Teenage Girls

Hi! Totally relate. I have a 13 year old -- no period yet, but I've been thinking it's on its way for the past 4 years!! I've been reading a few books: Adolescence isn't terminal by Kevin Leman; Have a new kid by Friday by Kevin Leman; and Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman. They've been very helpful! There's also another book I'm getting next called Parent's Only (don't know it's author) but it's available at Living Word bookstore. I'm learning (albeit very slowly!) not to take what she says personally as well as not reacting to everything she says. Haven't passed the test yet! I'm trying to get more one-on-one time with her -- and this really seems to help open the dialogue, as well as get to know her better. I'm not a shopper, but she likes to. So I've made an effort to go out 'browsing' with her, spend time at the beach, etc...just her and I. She has a younger sister who is 8, as well as an 11 yr old brother who has cerebral palsy and requires a great deal of attention -- so unfortunately she's learned to gain 'negative' attention to get any attention...

Hi M.,

I can relate! I have a 14-year-old daughter who has gotten rather opinionated and mouthy. (She's always been strong-willed, and I'm not particularly, so it's a struggle.) I bought these cards called Virtue Cards and every week the kids (I have 2 younger also) pick a card and we focus on that for the week. Like you, I'm trying to raise her with a strong belief and trust in God. I'd love to know what other advice you get! I can use it, too.
all the best,
L.

I am with you also. I have worked very hard over the years to have special time with my daughter and really get to know her...its paid off. Yes, she is like every other emotional 14-year-old but atleast now she knows she CAN trust me and I will atleast try really hard not to get crazy about whatever she is talking about. I have found it is really important to always aknowledge what they are feeling and about what. I really try to listen to what she isn't saying as well as what she is and then I can ask questions (calmly!) insinuating what I think is really going on. By then she is usually ready to really talk about what the problem is. She is always amazed how understanding I seem to be but what it really is is she thinks up the worse case scenario but it rarely goes that far. I have tried to teach her honesty is always easiest, even if you get in trouble from it. If not you'll be in even more trouble for the lie and the deed. We've had to give her a couple of good punishments in the beginning to make the impression last, but so far so good!

Another thing I have done is being a girl scout leader I was watching all these girls struggle with pretty much the same issues but thinking they are each alone! So once in a while we get togther and have a "Chit Chat". We meet at someone's house and talk. I stay in the room (along with another mom) and get them going but I let them help eachother. When my daughter wants to talk she knows I will leave the room if she wants. The girls say they love when we do these talks because they know they can discuss anything and it stays there. I have agreed not to tell the parents unless it is needed and the girls understand that as do the parents. Most of it is boy and bully issues. The girls have come us with some interesting solutions and know they always have someone to turn to.

Hope it helps!

Dear M.
Oh my gosh...I can totally relate. I am a mom to three children. Two older boys and a "darling" 13yr old young lady! It is just that...an emotional rollercoaster. Boys were NOTHING compared to what I have experienced with her and her hormones!! What works for me is talking and giving her space when she needs it. And of course, there is the lovely Catholic guilt that our parents used to use on us! I will admit that I have tried it and it does work! (Not to mean any disrespect to anyone out there) However, there is one blessing in all of this is that YOU are HER role model so, I know for my daughter and I, somedays it is just wonderful and other days she is so grumpy and wants to be left alone. When my daughter is ready, she comes and talks with me. Remember, woman are from venus and men are from mars. Ever read that book? It is so true. Acutually, my priest gave it to me to read one year! It was truly and eyeopener!! Hope it helps! Good luck!!! <>M.<>

I'm 47, I have two teenage daugthers (17, 14) and a son who's almost 12. Life with hormonal ragings can be CRAZY and there doesn't seem to be any easy or quick way to simply make it all 100% okay. But what I have found through much trial and error is that there are a few real basic principles to adhere to: Let her know that her feelings are valid because there are HERS right now, and she can DISCUSS or share anything with you as long as it is with a respectful attitude, BUT that no matter how she feels, she WILL NOT vent poison on you or her brother (or anyone else, for that matter). Yes, she has huge emotional swings, and if she needs to cry in her room or go for a run, or write it out, that's all legitimate -- but if she begins to torment the rest of the family (which she is very capable of!), then there will be repercussions. Clear repercussions. As in, write it down and show it to her repercussions. As in You Will Lose Priveleges repercussions. When it is written down (i.e. being disrespectful to your mother will result in losing your cell phone for a day, or no friends over Friday night, or whatever it is), you can more CALMLY stick to your guns about it. A real big thing I've discovered is to (try to) NEVER let your self get emotionally pulled into it. Almost impossible to do, but when you have it all written out, at least you can just point to it and say, okay, this is the consequence; sometimes it's easier not to get pulled into a big emotional scene that way. Teenage girls are MADE to push buttons. Oh, and when you write all this stuff down, it's a good idea to actually sit down and talk with her (in one of the less hormonal moments), and go through it, discuss expectations, repercussions, remind her that you know this is a really tough time and it will pass at some point, and you're in her corner and even though she doesn't think she wants it, she really needs you to be the mom right now, and that is EXACTLY what you're doing because you love her and you want her to be ready to go out on her own and be fully happy when she does so!
Beyond that, be really good to yourself. Don't beat yourself up, remember pretty much 98% of the mothers of teenage daughters out there are experiencing the SAME THING, and try to keep a sense of humor!! Laugh (by yourself) at the whole situation... Go out with the girls... Go get a manicure or a massage or buy yourself flowers. And realize that even though you don't deserve it, you are receiving the brunt of some serious emotional upheaval right now, and you need to take care of yourself in other ways!
This, too, shall pass!!!
Good luck!

Good Morning M.,

Other than the stress of the crying one minute and the laughing the next, teenage girls can be difficult. The best way to deal with this for the benefit of your daughter and even for you is the ability to talk to her. If you can sit down and just listen to what she has to say, and share your own experiences in life with her on how you dealt with things when you were her age the better off you both will be. Talking with her and sharing on your part will not only help her realize that she is not the "only" one going thru these emotions, but it will help you realize, and to remember, that you, yourself went thru the same thing. I have raised all my children with the "open door" policy. I want them to come to me with anything, and if I don't like it, well I will handle it later, but if I have them talking I know exactly what is going on. Sharing your own past experiences with your daughter will show you both just how funny life really is. So the best answer for you I think is to share with her. She needs someone to tell her she is alright, and that her feelings are normal, and who better to share with than someone who truly understands and loves her.

Yes...I have a 15 year old as well that was just a hormonal basketcase. For 2 years she was just so emotional, it was awful. I see you are catholic, so my advice may not swallow well, but her Dr put her on "birth control pills" for the hormonal balance it would give her. I can tell you, its like night and day with her now. She is just wonderful, and she feels so much better now too. She hated being the way she was, she had no control over it. Life is good now, and we are all happy! Good luck to you!!!

High doses of Essential fatty acids, DHA and evening primrose oils work wonders.

I'm a 55 year old mother of a 28 year old daughter & 5 yr. old grandson.
I remember VERY WELL the hormonal roller coaster ride I was on when
i was a teenager. Luckily, my daughter didn't seem to go through it
with much difficultiy.

The best advise i can give you is to keep good communicaiton between you and your daughter, and be very patient with her. You may want to talk with your doctor about this. There is a lot of pressure on kids these days and the surging hormonal tide doesn't help.

Good luck,
Been there, done that
TC

my daughter is 15 and yes - she is on the hormone roller coaster. my mom swears it's normal and i swear i am going crazy before the rides over.

i take the time to take a bubble bath occassionally. occassionally, i leave the kids with hubby and go off by myself. and occassionally - when she is really driving me nuts - i send her to my mother's for the night.

if you come up with any other ideas - please let me know.