Teenager Wants to Find His Biological Father

Maybe by your son finding his biological father he will have closure on this and he will feel better, even if his dad doesn't want to have anything to do with him. I am thinking that if he is this passionate about it you should let him move forward with it.

As human beings we have desires and passions to accomplish something, find someone, go somewhere, whatever. We tend to live with regret or remorse if we do not follow through on our passions and wonder what could have been (even at 14).

Give him this opportunity, I don't think you are protecting him by not letting him follow through. He is going to be emotional no matter what happens, this is sensitive and he is a teenager after all. Maybe you can take the journey with him. Maybe find his father for him, even talk to him first to soften the shock factor and make it a smoother connection.

Good luck to you.

I would help him search.

My husband's mom passed away when he was 7. He would give anything to talk to her again.

My husband's step-brother wanted to reconnect with his father after not seeing him for close to 20y. His mother and girlfriend were against it. I told him to go for it. He had a chance at the closure that my husband didn't. I was not on my MILs good list for a while after that.

He had the same fears. What if he doesn't want anything to do with me? ... Its all a matter of approach. You want to know about him. Know him. He wasn't a kid that needed a lot of time and money. He was a 25y that just wanted to know his background.

He went ahead and tracked him down. Made contact. Turned out that his Dad had wanted to reach out too, but was afraid that the son would turn HIM down. The Dad had remarried, and my brother-in-law actually had 2 step-siblings that he knew nothing about. His father died in a car accident a few years back. However, he is okay with that. He was able to find some peace in the few years that they had had contact. HE has his closure.

Ask the therapist what s/he recommends.

It would probably help him with his issues to meet his father. He could ask him the questions that have been eating at him and making him need therapy. I would ask his therapist but i believe it would help him more than hurt him. I searched for three years to find my half brother and sister that i had never met. Sometimes you just need to know.

What does the therapist think? I would put it in his/her hands and let him/her come to a decision with your son. That's what you're paying him/her for.

Speak with his therapist. Find out if the therapists feels your son can really handle what may come of finding his BO..

If the therapist says yes, speak with your son about all possibilities and what he will need or want from you for support.

Remind him you love him and want him to be happy, but you also want him to be safe (emotionally).

remind him he still has school and that should be his first priority and you are concerned this will be a huge distraction.

ask him what he thinks, hopes this will all lead to and what is his worst case scenario and what will he do if that happens.. This is a time for him to find out about the realities of life. It is not a movie. His feelings are real and you as his mom are biologically wired to protect him. Tell him the truth about it. He needs to know where you are coming from.

I can understand wanting to know everything about both of my parents. This is part of him growing up and understanding what went on. It may not be pretty or nice, but it is part of him.

I am sending both of you strength and peace.

Bring his therapist into this, but support your son in HIS decision, because when it comes down to it, this is his decision. Denying him the knowledge of his father will only bring him to search alone, and resent you.

Since your son is in therapy already, you should ask his therapist for advice on this topic. However, if finding his father is consuming him, then maybe you should help him with the search. If you know the father's name, try googling him or searching on facebook or something. Do this on your own and see what you find out before you let your son search just in case there is something you find out that you don't think your son could handle. Good luck

Is it possible for you to contact the father and talk to him about the issues. You can find out if he is willing to at least have minimal contact with his son or none at all. If it is none then ou can prepare your son for what his father is going to say. Sometimes the child just want to know what the other parent looks like so that they can have some idea of why they look the way they do. Does the fathers parents know that they have a grandson that is 14 now? They may want a relationship with their grandchild. Some of your sons problems could stem from not knowing who or where daddy is. Since you have not said why dad was not involved it is hard to figure out which way the dad will go.

maybe if you find him and talk to him first to kinda find out how the father feels before you introduce your son? and also talk to his therapist? my daughter's best friend is also her cousin and her mother and i were always best friends also and she wants to meet her father also, the cousin not my daughter. her mother and i just this morning were talking about taking her to meet her dad. he was in her life when she was a baby but then just left. we are a little nervous but are hoping for the best. its not that she dosnt have a male in her life as my husband and i have her a lot and she adores him like a dad BUT i know she wants to meet her real dad. she is only 8. its sad i couldnt imagin not knowing one of my parents.

He has a right and his dad has a right to find that out for themselves. Your son is probably a lot more resilient than you think. Are you afraid for your son or are you afraid for yourself? Your son is a shadow of a man, let him test the waters. Give him all the info you have and point him in the right direction.

Seems to me that he believes his anger and abandonment issues stem from his father turning him away. This can lead him down the wrong path with future relationships. His therapist probably knows about this and gave him the green light to talk to you about it. Why should it be a secret or a mystery? He's already hurt from it. Knowing is better than not knowing. You and the therapist could explain what you think it could be about if you know but say you can't know for sure. That he is opening himself up to a greater understanding of how people are different, that we can't pick our parents but we can pick who we put our trust and our hearts in. He should know and have guidance and support on this trip. If his father is a narcisist, immature, feels shut out, doesn't think he's good enough, isn't into kids, embarrassed about leaving or his past, etc., whatever it is, it should be out on the table.

I can not answer this but I can let you know what happened to my step brother. He went to find his father and father rejected him, didn't want anything to do with him. So I agree with other posters, he needs to be warned and warned again-and it will be a wonderful pleasant surprise if it works out, and he should be hand and hand with you and the therapist afterwards. That can be devastating.

I definitely think you should talk this over with the therapist.
If your son is already dealing with abandonment issues, it might be good for him to at least know that he CAN search if he wants to. I don't know him and I'm not exactly an expert, but I'm guessing what is consuming him is the not knowing where his dad is or who he is. He may be wondering if his dad ever thinks of him. Does he look like him? Does he walk like him? Did dad just not want to be a father or what?
These are all things that can consume a child and whether or not he finds his dad, whether or not his dad wants anything to do with him, those things might be secondary to dealing with the vast unknown. He may find his dad and decide he doesn't want anything to do with his dad either. But at least that would be something he decided for himself.

I have a good friend who has raised her step-son since he was really little because bio mom took off to "find herself" and never came back. Well, that's not true, she did contact dad and wanted to see the kid. They refused to allow it even in a controlled, supervised setting because they feared it would upset or confuse him. My friend was like, "He doesn't need to see her. I am his mother. I raised him. She'll just take off again anyway so there's no point. He doesn't even need to know she wanted to see him."
I did understand to a point, but I don't think it's right not to tell the child mom tried to see him. I tried to tell her that she needed to be prepared because in my opinion, there would come a day when he would start asking questions and want to know where she is and maybe try to find her, and she got so mad at me. She said, "He will NEVER ask any questions and he will NEVER want to know where she is because he has a mother, ME!"
Yes, bio mom is a mess, but that doesn't mean when the kid gets older, even as an adult, he may want to find that out for himself. And, that's not to take away from the fact there was a woman who held him when he was sick and kissed his boo-boos and taught him to read.
I'll bet you a million bucks that boy tries to find his mom someday because he does have memories of her even though he was very young when she left.
It might be even harder for your son because he has zero memories.
Kids aren't dumb. They know it takes two people to make a child. Maybe your son feels like he will only be half a person until he figures out the other half of the equation, good OR bad, so that he can get a sense of himself and move on with his own life.

I feel for him, I really do. I know you want to protect him, but if he's consumed at this point, those feelings aren't just going to go away.
Let the therapist help you with this.

Best wishes.

I adopted my daughter at 3 months and have done much research on birthparent issues. Almost everything points to having an open relationship with birthparents. Most adoption agencies insist on some level of openness nowadays. Most adult adoptees who never knew their b.parents lament that void in their lives. I agree with other posters that his emotionality right now probably comes partially from not having any connection with a father figure. I think it's critical that he knows that you're open to helping him find him. If birthfather doesn't want a relationship, at least there's no more mystery for your son, and if he does, it's a win-win. And I agree that you should make contact first, so the first interaction they have isn't full of surprise and shock from the b.father. Good luck with this difficult phase for your son.

this is so sad! but if this is what your child wants i would make sure the therapist is aware and begins to prepare your child for the worst. i guess the key is to make your child understand if hes rejected it isnt his fault, though that is exactly what he is going to think. my heart goes out to both of you may this end well!

J., I've been there and my mom's been in your shoes. I can tell you that my mom's biggest fear did not come true (me leaving her/me viewing him as a better parent/me liking him more). I can also tell you that the best thing you can do for your son is to support him. For years, my mom would cry when I asked her questions, so I gathered the very little I could and 8 years later I finally located him. From my point of view (prior to meeting him), he was going to be the perfect father, handsome, strong, great father to those he knew, pretty much the father I always wanted - even tho my mom tried warning me not to expect much). For me, if I didn't think he was going to be great, I would never have tried to find him.

The reason I and I would assume most kids want to meet their biological dad was to a) see if there are any resemblances b) find out why he left (was it because I was a girl and he only wanted a boy), c) did he have any other kids and if so, did I look anything like them d) medical history - what if my dad/his family had a history of cancer/diabetes e) to find out how he, as a dad could possibly live his life knowing he had a daughter out there and not once want to check up on me to see if I was okay and e) get an apology.

Once I actually found him, my mom never once said anything negative about him. She just let me do my thing and in my eyes supported me (I guess I showed her how determined I was and felt there was nothing she could say to make me stop).

But, when I was 21, I finally found him and it was a total emotional roller coaster (for me). I couldn't bring myself to call him dad, and I'm guessing if your son finds him, he too will have an issue with the whole "dad" name.

I got all my answers except I never got an apology. I have however met 6 of my brothers and sisters, the other 14 kids, like me, he's never kept in touch with (nor has ever paid child support). Anyway, it took more than 1/2 my life to find him and less than a year to choose on my own to disown him and finally say good bye. I also lost contact with all but one brother and sister-in-law.

By speaking to the 6 that I have met, I can tell you without a doubt that all those years that I thought my life would have been better only if he was around, was the total opposite. It seems that all the kids he has kept in contact with him had major problems because he was part of their life. Several of them tried committing suicide, they grew up with him drinking and into drugs most of their childhood lives and besides that, weekly unbroken promises. None of the kids ever went to college and most had kids of their own by the time they were 18. Ironically, they all seemed to idolize him and they were always trying to get me to believe that he wasn't as bad as I viewed him to be. But, after more than 12 years of no contact with him (that I don't regret), I have come to conclude that the reason he kept asking me why I was calling him (which was my attempt to try to get to know and establish a relationship with him) and what did I need, was because the only time any of the 6 contacted him it was because they needed money. I on the other hand was taught by my mom never depend on anyone for money, so that was the last thing I would want from him. But, it is what it is, he obviously never got a chance to know me since he assumed all I wanted was money and not a chance to get to know him as a person.

I have learned that the root of his problems came from his mom who felt her son could do no wrong and that "if I really wanted to meet him sooner, I would have searched harder" - yeah, her exact words.

Your son is determined, so the only thing you can do is support him and let him know that no matter what, you will be there for him. Now, if for some reason, your ex turned his life around and has a really good reason for not being around (which I doubt), you have to let your son and his father try to establish a relationship without trying to make it bad. You have to promise yourself that unless he is a bad influence on your son, you can't talk bad about him. Your son will be extra sensitive to anything you have to say in regards to him.

Keep in mind, you are the one who was with him from day one. It's perfectly normal for kids (especially at that age) to feel angry and insecure because the bottom line is that they feel they weren't good enough for their dad and if their dad can't love them, how could anyone else? I know, from a mom's point a view - it's possible, but personal experience, it's a question he deals with daily.

Your son needs someone who has been walked in his shoes. I know there was not support group when I was doing my search and I doubt there is one now, but if you or he needs to reach out, please feel free to email me and I'll respond. I know not all reunions don't end the same way, but it would have helped me knowing someone who felt the way I did when I was going thru what your son is now starting to venture into. He is truly getting on a roller coaster and he has no idea how many loops and dips it will have, nor will he know how long it will last, but one thing for sure is once he gets on, there is usually no turning back. He already bought his ticket and the only thing you can do is make sure he is strapped in tight. Cry when he cries, laugh when he laughs, just be there for him. It will be hard on you too, but know it's his choice. Now, you can choose to tell him when he turns 16 you will provide him with more details, but if you do that, he may be angry at you for delaying his search.

Good luck and let me know if I can help.

P.S. For me, it didn't turn out to be good, but on the flip side, I set out to find him, and to get to know him and I did so it was a huge accomplishment regardless that he didn't turn out to be the father I always dreampt about.