Finding the Biological Input to My Childs Life.

So your son is 20 years old?

He is going to do, what he is going to do...sorry.
Your son has the need and the right to find out who is Father (biological input? really?) is, you should allow him that and not feel betrayed by it, or make him worry about how this will effect you.

I am sorry if I am being too blunt. I just can not fully understand your concerns about this man without knowing more about him, and why you didn't want him in your life....with the exception of his Father being a killer/sociopath, I could not justify to myself why I would stand in the way of my child's closure.

Best wishes and big hugs.

Just because he doesn't want to go to therapy doesn't mean you can't go...sounds to me like you are the one that is in need of it anyway.

I hate to say it but your family is right. Your son feels the need know this man. No matter what you say or do, he's going to seek him out. The more you push him not to, the more he's going to want to. He'll learn for himself what kind of man he is, and it sounds as though the only way your son is going to learn is to find out for himself.

You said that you asked him to go to counseling with you. Perhaps you should go alone. It may help you overcome the feelings you have with your son seeking out his biological father. At the very least it will give you an outlet for your feelings regarding the situation. Good luck!

I am assuming your son is over 18 and if so hopefully this will help. If not I certainly understand your reservations.

I was adopted as a baby and later found my biological parents. It was very important to me to know these people and understand where I came from. Granted my situation was different, but my Dad (adoptive father) had a hard time with it and was very hurt, but we discussed it and I explained my reasons. He never told me not to go through with it, but was honest with his feelings and I respect that. I did meet with my biological parents and it was eye opening. It ultimately made me so much more grateful for my Mom and Dad - the only Mom and Dad I have. They raised me, loved me and have always supported me. It was nice to have a greater understanding of the people that created me, but I am who I am because of the people who raised me.

If he is over 18, I would suggest you let him go through with it as much as he needs to. Let him know you are there for him and will answer any questions he has, but don't make it hard for him or make him feel guilty. He most likely feels compelled to do this and needs to do it to some extent. If his biological father isn't a good person he will figure it out and hopefully your son will go into it with not too many expectations. He will also appreciate you for allowing him to do this even though it isn't easy for you. You are the one who loved and raised him all these years and he knows this.

I wish the best for both you and your son!

If your son had found his bio dad when he was 12 or 13,
that could well have been extremely emotionally damaging.

But now he is . . . . 18? 19?
Not quite as adult as he will be, but quite likely capable
of handling the (probable) disappointment or confusion . . .
after some time goes by.

Or maybe the man you have rejected from your life
and your son's life has changed in the last 20 years.
Maybe he has turned into a good person.

I hope you can, perhaps with counseling for yourself,
manage to separate your fears and concerns
from your son's intentions and adventure.
You can't protect him from every danger in life.
And this particular danger is definitely different for him than it is for you.

I hope the New Year brings you and your son
much joy and good experiences.

He is in his 20s, so yes, he will do what he is going to do. And I'm sure you raised a smart boy, who will figure out eventually what type of person is father is. The only way he will become a real person, with flaws and faults, and not a fantasy, is for your son to meet him. This whole experience shouldn't be a threat to your relationship, unless you try so hard to stop him from this, that you do damage that relationship.

No matter what YOU want, your son NEEDS to know where he came from. He has the RIGHT to know his father (and vice-versa). Period. Studies show that even an absent, neglectful, abusive father is better than none. Your son needs to know WHO HE IS!! He cannot reconsile his IDENTITY until he knows his father. DO NOT keep them apart, unless you want your son to resent you for it. You have made your opinion known to him, I am sure. Let him meet his father. You cannot live his life for him and you cannot shelter him forever. If he is under 18, be there if you can.

Well I think some people aren't just too Blunt but kinda mean on here in their responses...judging someones terminology isn't productive.

It is hard give the best possible opinion without knowing why you left him. And maybe you should tell your son the reasons if you haven't already. And a therapist couldn't hurt...and if he's that bad of a guy and 20 yrs hasn't changed him then it may be good for you to have a relationship and therapist already available...
I can't imagine how you feel, I know it's got to be hard...and knowing he's an adult and you have no control is hard too. Bottom line, you can't control him but you can you. And if this man had some kind of 'power' over you at one time, don't let him have it again because of your son seeking him out. If he's bad your son will see it on his own. The more stressful you make the situation the more he will probobly drift towards the father(worst case scenario) Best of luck!

My father never met his father because his mother and grandmother would not tell him who he was until after the man died. They did him a great disservice. Your mistakes are not your son's and if he wants to meet the man, so be it. If his biological father is a giant piece, I reckon that your son will figure that out. Basically, I don't think that your son meeting or not meeting his biological father should be, or ever should have been, your decision.

I agree with the pp who suggested having a calm, clear discussion with your son about why this man was not included in your life or his life up to this point. Maybe until now you've not bad-mouthed him to your son...and that's a good, noble thing but I feel it's time for honesty (if you haven't had this talk already).
AND, I hate to say this, but he is 20, so he has every right to meet this man and come to his own conclusions. You're his mom. He loves you most and this guy is not going to have impact on your mama/son relationship--which sounds wonderfully close.
Your son does have a right to know this guy. He'll see whatever warts are there.

GREAT BIG FREAKIN' HUGS to you.

My first child was the baby of one of 3 rapists. I spent months dreading the "where I came from" questions, and the drive so many people have to find the person their genetics came from. I lost her a little over a month and a half before she was to be born... so I can only imagine the heartache you're going through having those thoughts for YEARS, and to now have those fears become a reality.

I'd say to split the difference:

Counseling and *boundaries* for you, and your family's advice for your son. You can't stop him from meeting the genetic contributor... but you can firmly and nicely (to your son) disallow any contact with this man in your OWN life.

A good counselor should be able to help you through this. And to help you minimize the heartache / be smart about your conversations with your son.

Again. Big, big hugs.

Mmmmm... PS... I may be reading things wrong, but I'm assuming above that your son is grown (18-20+). If he's NOT grown, ditch the advice to let him contact him as he pleases, and lay down the law about counseling. If he's a child he doesn't need your pain to carry, but he should be given enough understanding as to WHY this man is not allowed in your lives until your son is grown and can protect himself as you are protecting yourself and him until he's grown.

have you told your son the truth about his father? too many parents try to hide and fabricate in order to protect--i think it only protects the parents. to me that's more damaging than the truth. people just want to know who theyre made up of. we just want to know where we really came from, in order to learn more about ourselves. we cant face things or come to terms with things until we do know. maybe your son isn't looking for a fairytale--he's just looking for an answer. i still don't know the truth about a lot of things in my childhood, and i think about it all of the time. im embarrassed to tell my daughter who her dad is, and what that situation was--but i plan on telling her because she's going to want to know. we shouldn't run from our past--we should just deal with it in a healthy way. too many parents think they have to lie because they have to set the example. what example? that people don't make mistakes? that if you do make a mistake, cover it up and lie about it? how you handled it, and how you turned out, and what you learned from it is what's most valuable to your child.

I didn't read the other responses but in 20 years this man may have changed. Don't make your son feel like he is hurting you because of his choice to know who his father is. Everyone deserves to know who their parents are and he's old enough to decide for himself if this man is someone he wants to pursue a relationship with. It sounds like a good idea that you are going to counseling but don't pressure your son to go with you. If for some reason it turns out to be a bad reconnection with his father he may want to go with you but let him find out on his own. Don't let this ruin your relationship with him by not being supportive. Let him know that you are there for him whether it turns out to be good or bad and support his decision to meet his dad even though it hurts you.

I haven't read all the responses, but I agree with Kendra. Your son is 20. He is old enough to pursue this if he so chooses. It's about him at this point, not you. Like it or not, his biological father is HALF of his genetic makeup ~ the same as you. Yes, he is who he is today because he had a loving caring mother. But it's time to let him discover fully who he is. Good luck to you! You should talk to someone about how to support him in this decision.

You don't say specifically how old your son now is. It sounds like he is either an adult or close to it so it really is his decision. You have to let him do this and be there for him if he wants or needs you to be. Realize that while you had your reasons to not have this man in your life or your son's, he is his biological father. It sounds like both your son and his father did not have any say in that decision (not judging, just making a point). You don't know what his father will say or do and neither does your son but it seems something your son has to find out.

Have you told your son the reasons you didn't want him around 20 years ago? I had a friend who met her biological father for the first time after 24 years. Her mom was very much against it, but never really gave her a good reason why or had a good dialogue with her before she met him because she was wanting so hard to protect her. I know you want to protect your son and really have no judgement as to why you made the decisions you did. I just think that it might be good, if you haven't already, to sit him down and explain to him your concerns (but in a way where your not telling him NOT to meet the man) then allow him a chance to explain his feelings and desires. If he still wants to meet him, then let him, BUT also let him know that you will be there for whatever happens with it. I mean you never know, the man may have changed in 20 years and your son could develop a good relationship. Your son could learn that he's not the man he imagined and be heart broken. Honestly, no matter WHAT happens, I promise he will need you more then anything at this time. My friend became even closer to her mom after she met her dad as she said it was a very emotional process in general.

Also, agree with others that maybe it would be a good idea to see a counselor by yourself. They may be able to help you deal with some of your own emotions as well as how to communicate with your son positively about it.

Good luck with everything! I'm sure it's hard with all of this happening, but you sound like you have nothing but concern for your son :)

The one question I have is have you been totally honest with your son about this man and why you decided to have no contact with him. Perhaps giving him a fair warning of what he might be like would be good. You might also need to realize your son will probably find him and have contact and you just need to be loving and understanding and be there for him if he does get hurt. Don't judge your son on this, he deserves to know where he came from. Just be there for him through it all.

Sound like your son is an adult and can make up his own mind about his father. Let it be.

And who knows... 20 years is a LONG time, this man may not be the person you knew then anymore...
Good luck

How old is your son?

R.,
Hello. You're in a tough situation as the Mom. I would say your son NEEDS to do this for his own knowing.

I'm coming from a stand-point where I was a child and wanted to meet my bio father. He made a choice to leave his wife (my Mom) and newborn baby (I was one week old). We had no contact while I was growing up, but I was a very curious child especially as a teenager to meet him. I wrote a letter to him (that he claimed he never received), but he called my Mom just a few months later to try to contact me (when I was 17). We had dialogue over a few letters at first, then I had phone calls with my half-brothers, then there was a meeting. He lived in a different state, so my uncle went with me. I would say here are my lessons learned:

1) Let the contact be child driven (since he is old enough) - that could be a letter (and that’s enough) or eventually maybe a face-to-face meeting. But, let your son guide what he wants out of this and at his own pace.

2) If they have a face-to-face meeting: Only expectation should be to actually meet him. I always thought my first question would be "why", but once I got around my father, it was so clear to me that it didn't matter "why", by his leaving I was given such a better life (but it took me meeting him to realize this). Other more insightful questions came to me in the moment to learn about him and who he was and that told me mostly what I needed to know. He was the first to provide excuses for his leaving, but in the end it didn't really matter. I had the best family (without him).

3) Let your son ask his questions, even if it's "why where you that way 20 years ago". But, know that it's up to your son to either trust his answers or not. And to be honest, the bio father may not know “why” – or if he gives reasons, they may not be very good. But, if that’s what your son is seeking, he should be allowed to ask it. I had to realize that no matter what the excuses were, we all make choices and even though that choice had hurt me for years, I realized I had been given a terrific life and at that point I was so thankful for his choice of leaving and my Mom's choice of requesting his rights to be taken away.

4) If they have a face-to-face meeting: Have an adult support person there with him that he trusts (like an aunt, uncle or close family friend - this person has to have a calm attitude and isn't upset with the bio father), I think it would be hard to have you there at the first meeting. This person helps mediate or stop things if they were to get too upsetting (they have the best interest of your son at hand). And this person is a good person to talk about those mixed emotions they might have, a good listener (that’s not intimately involved).

5) If they choose to continue contact after a face-to-face meeting again, let it be at your son's pace. Personally, after some more contact, I didn’t want all the drama that came with my bio father, so I ended contact. But, meeting him helped me fill a huge desire of the unknown (just who he was), and it helped me see how wonderful my family was and helped me to understand why my Mom did some of the things she did (that I had been upset with her over for years). As hard as it was on my Mom for her to let me meet my bio father, it was a great gift to me and gave me a great appreciation of my “true” family (just at 17).

6) You also might seek counseling too, it's a place where your son can safely express his feelings (no matter what they are in the moment - good, bad, indifferent). I had good counseling prior to meeting my father; I think that’s why I was able to take it all in from a different perspective. Had I not had that, I think I could have been highly disappointed and/or taken in easily by his excuses. And it’s potentially an emotionally draining process (even when it’s good). It would be a good sounding board for your son, would still encourage him to go a few times prior to meeting bio father and a few more times after initial contact (it's not a life long thing, just during this major life event). If he still won't go, I suggest you attend to help you work through your emotions (my Mom did as well).

There’s not a right or wrong answer here, some people have no desire to meet bio parents, while others long for it. My main piece of advice for you and your son is don’t have too many expectations (the bio father has been known to let people down before).

Best of luck to you and your son.
~ J.

P.S. Prior to meeting my bio father, I had a fantasy image of him and how life must be in his household (the unknown plays tricks on us and it was an easy escape as well when I was upset with anything in life). Meeting him and his other children, I found out he was an extreme alcoholic, physically abusive, a liar, and so much more. That fantasy image quickly faded, but it helped me realize I already had the ideal family I really wanted, just had to see the other side to realize it and the not knowing would have probably always made me resentful to my Mom for some excellent choices she made (once I saw the truth). It wouldn't have had the same impact had she just told me (she voiced a few concerns and shared a few situations, but said she hoped he had changed for my sake), still I had to find out myself (stories from his family, but I wanted a clean start, and he began to brake promises and only gave excuses for everything). I'm still glad I went through this process; I HAD too for my own peace. Just wanted to add that piece to help you realize that what your son feels in normal and he really does need to do this. I hope it's a good experience and that he truly evaluates what's being said and he'll eventually sort it all out. Believe in your son (not the bio father).

I need more information. Is this man abusive in any way (verbally, physically, sexually)? Is this man a druggie? An alcoholic? A thief? A stalker? A murderer? If the answer is no to ALL of these, would it be so bad for your son to meet his biological father?

He needs to know. You cannot stop him. You can be there for him if his father hurts him emotionally.
If he is 18+ there is nothing you can do.

ok, he is 12. he doesn't have to agree to go to counseling. tell him he is going. i wouldn't give him the option. i would tell him he AT LEAST has to give it "this" many months. you can also go without him. it would probably be best for you each to go individually and together. as far as him meeting his bio dad, well, he wants a relationship w/his dad. it's understandable. can YOU contact his bio dad and have a conversation and come to some sort of understanding? that way you will know where the bio dad is coming from? then maybe you will feel more comfortable if you know the bio dad WANTS a relationship w/his son. i 100 percent believe you should not keep your son from forming a relationship w/his dad. if you do that, you may push your son away.
OMG just re-read your son is 20! LOL ok if he's 20 ... you have to let him be!! he can make his own decision..........

Im have a similiar situation, granted my son is only for but the beginnings are about he same and in my personal prospective, I know for a fact my sons dad is NOT a person I want my child to be around. Even at 4 my son is curious, and even though its been extremely hard for me because he is starting to build a picture of who he wants his "dad" to be I am being as honest as I can. I know there is going to be a time in his life when he is going to want to know who is father is, I know because I went thought the same thing with wanting to know who my bio father is (it seems to be a family trait). I know how it is NOT knowing the other part of you, feeling partly lost, loved more than others but still feel a piece is missing. My mother was always honest with me, never hated on him, never make it his fault just told me the flat out truth even if I didn't want to hear it and even if it was hard for her to say. That is what I am trying to do with my son, for his age he is getting the information I think he can handle and when that time comes and I know it will come, I will help him find is father and I will be either with him or vary close by in case he needs me for any reason. As a mom it is hard to let your child branch out, and this situation is the hardest because you know the bio father and you what is possible but your son doesn't. He has to find out for himself otherwise he will always wonder and it could come down to him recenting you after awhile. I know its hard it just about killed my mother to let me make my discovery but we both felt better after my discovery. I didn't blame her anymore and I knew he wasn't that type of person I wanted to know after all. but ALL my questions were answered!

It sounds like your son is an adult now and the only thing you can do is try to be supportive.
You've been an awesome parent and provider and nothing can change that now. Your son wanting to find out about the other person that created him is something he feels he needs to do. Try not to take it personally.
If he knows that you will be supportive, that in itself will carry a lot of weight. Especially if his father turns out to be less than he anticipated. He will always have you.
Nothing this man does can take away from you always being there for your son. Your son knows that deep down.
I think it's the not knowing that really gets people worked up and sends them on a mission. Your son may well decide that just knowing who his father is or talking to him a time or two is all that he needs from him. And if it turns out he can have more than that and his father isn't the evil person he was after all these years, that's not such a bad thing.
I understand being protective. I really do. I've raised two kids by myself and they know dad, but Mom is always the one they truly rely on. Through thick or thin.
I have a friend who has raised her step son since he was a baby. Mom was bi-polar and couldn't take care of herself, let alone a child. The boy is a teenager now and she FREAKS if he even says anything about his mother. She has HER mind completely made up that he will never want to know anything about her and will never want to see her. I tried gently telling her it could happen and that it's no reflection on her. She got so mad once she wouldn't even talk to me for a month. I'm not defending the mom who left her little baby, but I was trying to get her to see it from the kid's point of view and she wasn't going to hear any of it. He knows his mother isn't dead. What if he wants to see her or talk to her or know if he looks like her at all? That's something he should have the right to do for himself if he decides to some day. Especially once he's an adult.
Kids that grow up around us get to see us with all our warts and faults. That's a beautiful thing.
I truly think they will always wonder, even with two parents raising them, which side their own warts come from.

Please try to think of this as your son's path to his own discovery.
You know your own truth. On your terms.
And yes, you want to protect him from harm. What mom wouldn't?
But, it's kind of like wanting to skydive out of a plane.
You are fixated on imagining the thrill.
Yes, you can get hurt and halfway down you may be thinking you wish you hadn't jumped, but how will you ever know how it feels to land if you don't take that leap in the first place?

It's an analogy, I know, but I think it's the same for kids who don't know who they came from. They need to be able to piece their own selves together.
They will only ever know how hard the landing is once they jump and go for it.
At least they can tell themselves they lept, even if the landing isn't what they thought it would be.

At least they know what they know. For themselves.

I wish you the best. I really do.
I hope you can allow your son your support even if you have trepidations.