What to Do? - Austin,TX

talk to him - ASAP. you have already done enough behind his back. he's going to be pissed - he has a right to be. it was your decision to lie to him, now you have to face the fall out. time to step up. if you hadn't lied about it i bet he would have taken it a lot better. an "awesome guy" wouldn't withold this from his son. you made the situation 100x worse by lying - so fix it. be honest.

oh, heavens.
sorry to be harsh, but stop lying.
i'd be furious too.
bite the bullet, tell your husband what you've done, and for goodness' sake, be honest with him in the future.
and do NOT make plans that involve your children without consulting him. he's the DAD. putting the bio dad first is such a slap in the face to him.
stop that.
khairete
S.

Since you have already talked to your sons father behind your husbands back there is not going to be any easy way but to just tell your husband everything. At this point its not really about your husband but about your son. You need to just tell your husband what is going on before anything else happens with your sons father.

Well, you can't hide it. You'll have to come clean. In the future, big things should be discussed first, not because you need permission but because you want to show him that respect.
Explain to him that he is a wonderful dad and everyone knows they're blessed to have him in their lives, but it is natural and normal for your son to be curious about the biological father. It's just a step in the quest to find out more about himself, where he's from, who he is, who he does and does not want to become. Has nothing at all to do with his present dad. The unknown could be a weight on your son's shoulders and he just needs to satisfy his curiousity and have a little time to meet the rest of his family. It could be a phase, it could lead to something or it could be a disappointment. But at least he'd have some answers. My adopted dad was stupid about me not being "allowed" to ask questions about my bio dad and the curiousity was so heavy, I had no answers and thought (wrongly) that I had been deserted and unwanted, and that led to some issues in my teen years. Later when I met him as an adult, it was good to know that wasn't the case but just...he wasn't really capable of being the good dad that I already had, especially when my mom left him. But there was some pain that could have been avoided if I'd just known the truth and not obsessed over what may have been the issue.

simple, come clean, better for your husband to find out about the boy wanting to meet his bio dad before the fact rather then after, the guy you married sounds like an exceptional person, maybe hes afraid the boy will want to be with bio dad, and he will be left out in the cold. has the boys actual father given up his parental rights, if not, then he could legally make off with boy without giving you any warning. i would be seriously wondering why this other guy has suddenly decided to resurface, could it be because the hard part of raising him is just about over??
K. h.

Why don't you ask your husband how he feels about your son seeing his biological father. The two of you discuss any points of concern about that, and make sure it's clear you feel it is good for your son. If he seems receptive to the idea, you can tell him that you found the biological dad and that he is interested in visiting your son. If he brings up strong objections to the visit, you two need to sort through that - postpone the visit. If he focuses on why you did not discuss it prior to making contact, you can tell him you had concerns about hurting his feelings since he is the REAL dad here and that you did not want to bring it up until you knew bio dad was even interested (it sounds like that's the place it came from anyway).
I am not going to tell you that you are bad for lying - I don't know why so many "supportive" moms on here think they should scold each other. You obviously know the deception has put you in a bad spot.
I would also like to echo the concern about setting up clear parameters for the visit since it sounds like bio dad has no actual parental rights here. I would start out slow, maybe all of you meeting for a short time in a neutral location. This may be very overwhelming and emotional for your son, and having you and your husband in easy reach may be necessary. Best of luck to you and yours!

On some level, your husband had to know that this moment might come, when your son is curious about his bio dad or wants to look him up. If you have already talked to your ex, you need to come clean with your husband. First of all, it's really terrible for your marriage to let this go on. Secondly, once your son sees his bio father, then what? Will you wait for HIM to tell your husband? The secrecy and deception will hurt your marriage. Tell your husband asap. Tell him the truth, that you located your ex to see if he was even interested, and he is. Reassure your husband that he is a key man in your son's life but that your son has the inevitable questions about his beginnings. You will have to decide whether to tell your husband that you have always known where your ex is, or whether you will gloss over that part of it. But further deception from this point out will hurt your marriage a lot more than telling him now. He has a right to know. If you know he will be "furious" then you need to figure out why - furious at you for deceiving him, or for finding your ex, or for making arrangements without his knowledge. Then deal with that. If you have concerns about how this is going to go, find some counseling (therapist, clergy member, whatever). Your husband has a right to his feelings too. If he's awesome and your 3 years together have been wonderful, then that is an important foundation.

I believe you are right to have your son meet his bio dad. It's important! I can only imagin the curiosity he must have over a number of things. Your husband is the only Dad your son has. I just wish you mentioned to your husband right away what your sons wishes were, so he doesn't feel like you were keeping something from him....which you were; that's my guess as to why he may be very upset. You don't trust him. (Although, you know him, not I ). Has your husband been very good to your son, or tough on him to make him wonder if his bio dad would have been better? Probably just curiosity and just reassure your husband about that and that this is just curiosity. I wouldn't have any conversation openers with "I hope you don't feel upset, but I.......). I'd start with " Our Son ___ wants to meet his bio dad and I told him ok, so I located him and I'm schedualing a meeting". Maybe even add "what day works for you?" Keep him in loop and part of the drop off.
I hope this helps, good luck.

???!!! "Hurt your marriage" by being honest about your son meeting his father?
Needs of your biological child come first, your feelings/messes second.
Let him meet his dad.
Your hubby's a big boy, I'm sure he will be fine.

Your son is 11 and old enough to have a say so in such a matter. If he wants to meet his bio father, he should be able to do that; otherwise, you and your hubby will likely be dealing with some resentment from your son. He should be able to meet his father and make his own opinions of him. He is no idiot, he knows who has been an actual father to him over the last 9 yrs. However, bio dad will probably try to doing these great and exciting things with him. He will probably be wooed by this. Just prepare yourselves. If his bio father hasn't been in the picture, it's not likely he will become super-dad over the long term. Your husband should allow your son to do this and not be mad about it. These are some of the issues kids deal with when parents are split up, it's just part of that life and you need to let him get it out of his system. Be gentle and understanding with your husband but he needs to be reminded why this is a good idea, if this is what your son wants.

Oy. You should have been up front with your hubby from the get go. Tangled webs are hard to untangle. He's gonna wonder how much time you've spent talking to your ex to arrange this. I hope you have some good answers for him.
You need to be honest, tell him how it started, tell him you didnt think anything would actually come of it but now it has so you need to let the cat out of the bag..... Start out with "Promise you won't get mad at me..." and go from there. If you make sound worse than what it is, maybe he wont get too pissed off that you lacked in the communication department about it. Make sure he is included to meet the ex and all that. If you are planning on doing all this on your own without him, it will send a lot of red flags of not to trust you. Or, cancel the current meeting arrangement and start over from scratch and talk to hubby about it first, feel it out and go from there. He does need to understand that your son needs to meet his bio dad if that opportunity has arisen. You might have to bring up the topic on several different occasions in order for your husband to get comfortable with the idea.
You've been "lying by omission" at this point, and that's not good.
Good luck.

Time for you and your husband to have the talk you should have had with him before you went ahead with making tentative arrangements. He has been an excellent father, so that is not the issue. The issue is your son needing to have some answers. I would explain that your son has been asking questions and proceed from there. I'd also include how sorry you are that you didn't have this conversation first (SMILE). I'm sure that he'll understand and together you'll continue to be great, supportive and loving parents for your son.

Well, obviously you can't go back and change things. I don't know how long you have been talking to your son that his dad is actually going to visit, but it sounds rather quick and have you really thought this through. How much visitation is he going to want, is it just once? Every weekend? Is this setting your son up for disappointment--is he thinking he will get to know his dad only to be let down that he isn't going to visit. There is definitely a lot of planning around this that everyone involved is going to have to think about. you can also tell his bio dad that we need to really talk about this more and not jump into it so fast. That way you can find out everyone's expectations about a relationship and the future. I am sure these are questions your husband is going to ask too. You can always postpone this visit until everyone feels comfortable. The bio dad hasn't been around for 9 years....another couple weeks won't make a difference. It just sounds a little odd that after 9 years of wanting nothing, he is all of a sudden going to be there. Your main concern is the family you have now, not worrying about hurting the bio dad's feelings if it isn't right for YOUR family.

Hope everything goes well.

I am in the same situation as far as my son not seeing his dad. I also am remarried, however this is a risk that a man takes when they come into your life when you have children. My son is 26 now and I remarried when he was 3. He hasn't seen his dad since he was about 12. My current husband is his dad, in his eyes and all of our eyes. However, there have been times when my husband and I have told my son if you want to reach out to your dad we will be okay with that. I am sure my husband would be hurt to a degree (having raised my son, and done EVERYTHING for him) but he always knew this was a possibility. My son does have some issues of low self esteem and I do feel that they are def related to not seeming his dad and also thinking his dad wanted nothing to do with him. That hurts any child. So for that reason alone I know my husband would be totally supportive to give my son what he needs, should he decide to see him. I know it is difficult, however to rob your son of a relationship with his father or to at least try have one, may create other issues down the line. You son has the right to know his dad. If the relationship works then your husband has to find a way to come to terms with it. If the relationship isn't something your son decides to pursue then at least he got the answers he needed. Talk to your husband NOW and prepare him for this. Reassure him that he will always be a very important part of your sons life, however your son really needs to do this and as his parents you shouldn't deny him his right. I know you do not want to hurt your marriage but your son comes first, and if your marriage suffers then that is just a bump in the road that you will both have to work on. Good luck!!