Confused About What to Do?

If she sees the man who adopted her as daddy, don't worry about it till she starts taking genetics class in school. She will ask and when she does, tell her. Don't make a big production out if it. Kids are very resiliant and are like rubber balls. They bounce back so smoothly, its not even funny. Just let her come to you.

Hi C.,

I'm not exactly in the situation you're in, mine is the opposite. I am the adopted child. I was adopted at the age of 2. My mother was 15 when she had me and just couldn't take care of me. So, her older sister and her husband adopted me. No one can really tell you when the right time is, but I will tell you I was 6 when they told me. I still remember it like it was yesterday. I know that sounds young, but children mature at different rates. They told me when they thought I was old enough to understand. Basically, they told me I had another mom, but there were things that had happened that made it to where she just could not keep me, but that she still loved me very much, and that being adopted made me special because I was "chosen" by them to be their daughter. I don't know the circumstances in your situation as far as whether or not she sees her biological father or not, but I was told that I could see or talk to my mother whenever I wanted to and they would not keep me from her. I know everyone's situation is different, but I grew up knowing the truth and I appreciate them for thinking enough of me to tell me at such an early age. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Cassie we just went through this. We have had our daughter sense she was 14 mo old. and finalized on her at 2 1/2 yrs. She is seven now and even though we NEVER said she was birthed to us we just left it up in the air.
However, when we recently adopted our son she began to ask questions. about being in my belly and when she was a new born did she do this or that. I would always relate back to "WHEN YOU WERE IN DIAPERS" yada yada. But, when she would say somehting or someone would mention bio mom or adoption she would look at me and my husband. Even though we thought we were avoiding the conversation I know she saw the deer in the headlight look.
So, in her 1st grade of school she began acting out (before son came along) and she started getting therapy. The counselor informed us immediately to tell her she was adopted and answer any questions. That evening we sat her down and told her in details. It was alot easier with us recently adopting our son however it was hard. She said she didn't know she was adopted and was ok with it. She understands the reasoning behind it all. She has asked questions about bios and we told her what she needed to know. Not that her bio mom was a slob, abusive negelectful person. But, that she did all she was able to do but it wasn't enough to keep her safe.
inform her of the love you husband and her "dad" have for her. IF there is any questions raised up about bio then answer them truthfully. IF bio is worth bringing into her life and will treat her and you husband with the respect she needs then do so. IF not inform her of this without degrading him. When you degrade him you are degrading her because she is a part of him. Make sure she knows the old sayings, "Any man can be a father, it takes a SPECIAL man to be a DAD!" I think that's how it goes.
But as for what age there isn't any limited age you will know when your daughter will understand and accept the truth.
Good luck, she's a very special girl to have you and her DAD in her life.
Jan
p.s. I have told her when she is 18 if she feels the need to look up her bios I will do anything in my power to do so. Until then enjoy the life she has.

I have a similar problem. My son is 7 and does not know who his father is (we divorced when he was 13 mos. old and the father hasn't seen him since, His choice not mine). I decided not to bring up the subject until he gets curious and asks. It hasn't happened yet, but I know it will. This is advice I received from a friend who had this same situation: When your daughter finally asks, tell her the truth. But make sure it is age appropriate. If he was a bad person (abusive, addict, etc...), then tell her he had problems that were to tough to handle with a family and he had to leave. There is no need to tell her the whole story until she is old enough to understand it. In time, she will figure it out on her own. And the most important thing, Do not bad mouth him to her, it will cause her to resent you and wish for an unrealistic father. Be truthful, but be careful. She will figure everything out on her own, in her own time. And always, reinforce you and your husband's love for her, it will help her deal with everything. I hope this helps--R.'

I would tell your child right away. My parents adopted me, my brother and my sister. I was the youngest and only one and a half when I was adopted but they told us from the beginning. I never remember not knowing that I was adopted. The farthest back I remember was when my adoptive mom died when I was four and even at that time I knew I was adopted and that my parents gave us up so that we could have a better life. None of us ever had a problem with it. But I would have had a problem with it if they had waited until I was older to tell me cause then I would have felt like I had been lied too and couldnt trust my adoptive parents.

I would tell her and then if she wants to find her biological dad tell her that when she is 18 you will help her. Thats what my dad did and I now have contact with my biological parents but I still dont consider them my parents, they are more of just people I am met and am trying to get to know. But I would never let her find him before she is 18 cause even at that age it is hard to handle.

We had the same situation. My husband adopted our son the same way. We always made it a very natural thing. We talked about it like it was no big deal. We had adoption day pictures in the house and spoke to him about how Daddy was so lucky to get to "pick out" his very own baby. He loved him so much that Daddy and Mommy wanted another baby too. So we had his brother. He is now 17 and very well adjusted. We have always been open to any questions about him or his birth father. At this point he feels like he has a dad so he doesn't want to meet his birth father. That may change but he will always know who his parents are. P.S.- I don't recomend telling her bad things about her birth father. She will only feel like she comes from a bad place. When she is older honesty may be important but not yet. Now all you need to tell her is that when you found out you were pregnant you were so excited. Her bithfather just was not ready to be a dad yet.Good luck!

I wouldn't tell her yet. she is too young to understand "biological" father. It would probably confuse and upset her. I would wait a few more years, then let your husband do the talking, like he loved her and wanted her to be his baby, etc. She may want to know where her other dad is, see him, know why he didn't want her, etc. so be prepared for that. (my oldest has a different dad, and it's not easy. sometimes she says her siblings aren't her "real" bros. and sister b/c of the different dads. I tell her (she's almost 11) that they all came from the same womb, and that's what counts!)

Hello C.,

Nice to meet you. My oldest son is 17 and he was adopted by my husband when he was 3 years old. We threw him a big party with my husbands family welcoming him to the family and took alot of pictures. I made an album for him with pictures of his biological father and wrote little captions. I did this with the pictures from the party as well. I also included a copy of the adoption paper work as well.

We showed it to him when he was about 12 and explained the adoption to him. We wanted him to know the truth as well. Up to that point my husband would tell him from time to time he was special because he was chosen. We have 2 children together. We would show him pictures of his biological father and explain to him that he had two dads but one could not be here and stress how lucky he was to have two dads. When he was 12 he asked about his other dad and we took the opportunity to explain it to him then. He wanted tomeet his biological father so we called him and set it up. It was our sons choice no his biological father. When my son got older he looked up his bilogical father again and they now have a good friendship. He is now 17 and calls my husband dad and his bilogical by his first name.

The key to it all is never say anything negative about the biological and to keep the childs rights in tact. When the parent surrenders his/her rights they do not surrender the rights of the child. Plus the biological parent that surrendered has to be held accountable to the child, at the right time, for their choice.

My sons bilogical has to explain that he did not want to pay child support. Thast he was scared to be a father. It gave my son more of a respect and gratitude for his dad. HIS TRUE DAD> and when he wants to spend time with his bilogical he ask for his dads permission.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely,
V. D

well my daughters father got killed befor she was born and my b/f has been her daddy since she was a little over 1 and i told her from the bigining that she had another daddy.i think it is best to tell them while there young then it is to wait till there older..just tell her thet she is one of the lucky ones that has 2 daddys..

I can help you with that. I was in the same position as your daughter. My mom is my biological parent and my father my adoptive parent. My mother told me when I was around 11. When I could understand better. The only downfall to it now is I wonder about my biological father all the time. My adoptive father and I are not close, but that had nothing to do with my being told. I love him and will always consider him my father. Tell her when you think she is old enough to understand. Honesty is the only way to go. Your actions show that she was wanted and loved very much and that is what matters most. Good Luck!!!!!!!!

Well, I don't know that this will do you a whole lot of good, but I have a pretty large amount of friends who were either adopted, or foster children, so I figured I would ask them when their folks told them.. On average, most said that their parents waited til they were between 14-16 and then once they told them, they offered to introduce them, or help them find, their biological parents if they felt inclined to look.

hi, i am a twenty four year old mom, with one three year old son. My husband is not his father either. I had the same problem because i didnt want to confuse him either. I gave my baby's dad another name for my son to call him. i slowly let him see his real dad in moderation and with me or someone familiar to my son. This way he can get use to seeing his real father's face often and recognize him as a familiar person. I thought that when he gets of speaking age and has knowledege to make decisions, then we would explain in detail. By that time at least he would have some kind of relationship with his dad, even though he may not know him by that name. I have a women's group and if you live in the new orleans area maybe you could come. email me at ____@____.com thanks and God bless

I had a similar situation with my two oldest children. My ex husband had been their "daddy" since the oldest was 15 months and the younger one was a little over a month old. He never adopted them but we used his last name for them. Once my oldest got into school, they had to go by his legal name. During his first years they did a very good job still using the last name he was used too. Before he started 2nd grade and went into another school, we sat down and had the paternity talk with him. I have a step- dad and a step- mother. We chose to use them as examples. We told him that just because they were step- parents did not mean they loved me any less. We told him it was the same with his Daddy. I explained to him that his real father was just not ready for the responsibility of parent hood. He understood. Sometimes he asks about his real father. I told him when he turned 18 I would help him find him if he still wanted too. He was 7 when this conversation took place. We did not have to go into detail about where babies come from but we were able to explain it so that he would understand why they called him by a different last name in school.

Hi C.,My name is D. i am 35 weeks pregnant with my first child and i know about this issue first hand as a child.I was adopted at the age of 5 by a man that my mom married and had 2 more children by.They are divorced now,but he was the only father i knew for many years.My mother told me i was adopted at the age of 10,because a conversation came up about adoption.I feel at the age of 10 that was too young because it really was confusing to me.I felt like my biological father didn't love me when i was born,so he just gave me away.My adopted dad was furious because she told me,they were divorced by this time.My adopted dad had no intentions of ever telling me,which i find was wrong.I believe it would have been wrong not to be told at all.The child has a right to know that history,especially if a medical emergency arises.I think the time to tell your child depends on the maturity level and not necessarily the age.I was not mature enough to understand at that age.I do believe however a child should be told by the time they are 18.My biological father was not in the picture my whole life he just gave up his rights because he didn't want any children.But you and her adopted father should sit down and discuss this with each other and decide when you feel she is mature enough to understand.But you both need to be very open with her anytime she has any questions about her biological father when you decide to tell her and if it is possible not to be negative and ugly about her biological father than that is even better ,even if there are negative feelings toward him.I would also ask that if any family members know about the adoption that they not tell her about it, that you will tell her when you feel she is ready and can understand.And you both need to understand that ,especially your husband, that eventually she may want to meet her biological father and for him not get his feelings hurt because she does want to meet him.It is part of the curiosity of a child.I never met my biological father but i did meet his parents and they understood and answered any questions i had about him and i was able to close that door in my life with no negative feelings or insecurities about myself.I don't know the circumstances of why he gave his rights up,but those were mine and i wish you alot of luck.Just remember to consider her feelings above all when you decide to tell her, and her maturity level will matter a great deal and i love my adopted father with all my heart,he raised me and he loved me enough to take another mans child and raise me as his own,and never treated me any different than his biological children.That is what i call a dad.

C.,

The sooner you tell her the better. The longer you wait, the harder it will be. My husband was adopted by his stepfather. Children have an amazing ability to handle situations that adults think they never could understand or cope with. She is still so young that if you are matter of fact about it, she shouldn't have trouble accepting the fact that her daddy came into her life as a baby, not a newborn.

There are lots of "I'm adopted" type books and videos at the library and the bookstore you may want to try. Talking to a school counselor or therapist for ideas and wording may help you, too.

We have a lot of friends who have adopted children. Many of them like to repeatedly tell their children the bedtime story of how the child came into the family. They include the details that make the child feel special. Examples: I was so excited to be your daddy. I feel so lucky that Mommy said that I can be your daddy and help raise you. It is such an important job. That is why I adopted you, so everyone will know you are mine. The day I went to sign the papers was so special. The kids love this.

If the biological father chose not to be in your daughter's life, don't demonize him. Children take this personally even if they have never met the father. Just make it matter of fact. (It is too bad that he decided not to be a dad. He is sure missing out on all of the happiness Mommy and Daddy get from raising you.)

This is a tough one. Best of luck to you,
S.

I was in your daughters position and I didn't find out until I was in Junior High. Which was too late, I felt betrayed by everyone and stupid that everyone else new this the whole time and I didn't. I say tell her now, look for some books on adoption, for kids and start with just the concept of adoption and she will get it. Kids are smart and resilliant and can handle more than we give them credit for. She will be fine. She may have a lot of questions about her real dad, Don't get offended. It is just her trying to figure out who she is. Good Luck

I believe that the right age is on the date of adoption. Since that isn't an option here, I would do it TODAY. The sooner she knows, the less of a big deal it will be. I would also stress that her parents are who raise her, and not who donated the dna. Many members of my father's family are adopted. When the parents waited and told them as teenagers, there was ALWAYS a horrible reaction. Anger, resentment, feelings of abandonment, etc... Nothing positive. And the worst is when someone else told. You don't want that to happen. But if your daughter grows up knowing, then its not a big deal. Five year olds don't have violent reactions and don't dwell on resentment. If you casually tell her now, and not make it a big deal, then she probably won't make it a big deal either. Maybe you can explain it with "birds and bees" and incorporate where babies come from.

I agree with what Christina wrote -- right on!

And KUDOS for your husband -- what an AWESOME man to step up and take on that responsibility!!!! look at it this way: Your daughter TOTALLY deserves to grow up knowing what her Dad has done for her!!

Hi C.. I do understand what you're saying. My son's biological mother died when he was 3 and he knows me as mom. My husband and I talked about it, and we believe that when he's emotionally able to understand the process of death/dying and adoption we will tell him about his biological mother. I have made a little scrapbook for him when the time comes to share with him. It's filled with pictures of his mother and he also has some 2 half siblings that live out of state. I included pictures of them as well. When he's old enough, we will explain everything as best we can.
I will tell you that no parent is perfect, and you just have to do what you feel is right for your situation. Every child is different, and no situation is the same. My situation, for example, gets very complicated. My son's biological mother was a drug-addict for example! My point is, do what's right for you and your family and for your daughter. I'm hoping that I will kind of know when the time is right.
Good luck to you!