Sons Bio Dad Signed over His Rights, When Do I Tell Son?

I was told on my 14th birthday that my dad wasn't my dad.I was angry and devastated.If I would have been told earlier like maybe at 4 or 5 then I would have grown up knowing and it wouldnt have been a big deal.Your son will be confused and upset but it will bring him and his step dad(real dad)closer and they will have a better relationship for it.Believe me he'll find out anyway.Then he'll be really mad that you lied,like I was.I'm 38 now and still angry with my mom.

I'm not sure what the right answer is, but I do have some experience with adopted children. My mom didn't think she could have children and so adopted three before she got pregnant with me and then she got pregnant with my little sister four years later, so our family is pretty diverse! My older sisters and brother always knew that they were adopted. I'm not sure when my mom told them, but they always seemed to know. In fact, as the youngest for the first four years of my life, I kind of felt left out because I wasn't adopted! I've spoken to my siblings about it and I think they appreciated knowing all their lives and it would have been quite a shocker to find out they were adopted in their teen years.... Maybe you could gently explain to him that he has a different biological father when he starts asking about his current father or when something like that comes up in conversation... Anyway, I think the sooner in life he knows, the better. Hope that helps.

Ok, I've never responded to a message but I heard your heart and I HAD too!

We are in the process of adopting two girls under 2 and I already have 3 other bio children. I have LOTS of friends that have adopted children at all ages. The reason, I say this is because I feel that you should tell him like all of us have and will do. Let him know that we all have special ways we enter into a family, and he was blessed to have two papa's. Then start talking about how wonderful your husband is and how wonderful it is to have him as papa. If he starts asking questions, about his "real" papa then just answer the question simply. When we tell our girls I am planning on not over loading them with the ugly details of their bio parents. I'm planning on letting them know at first and more as it's appropriate that their bio's where too "sick" to take care of them. And that is the truth without getting into the grownup details.

Oh and as far as keeping it a secret...it WILL only back fire. There is a high possiblity that he would resent ALL who knew and he could feel very betrayed.

I sure hope this helps! Just remember to keep it simple...kids don't care as much as we think. Thank God for that!!!!

I was adopted by my paternal grandparents at the age of three. My mother is schizophrenic and unmedicated. I have only seen her twice since then and have chosen not to speak with her in 14 years now. My grandparents always told me and my sister that our parents weren't at the right place in their lives or didn't have the means to raise us the way we deserved. We were told all the details when we were teenagers but simply that as children. This was always followed up by how much they loved us and that they loved us as their own children.

You're doing what's right and best for your family and no matter how you tell him he will realize that fact someday despite any confusion. He will know that his "dad" is better than his "father" ever would have been and that you're a better mom for giving him a better life.

Hi L.,
You have already had a lot of advise, still I need to share my experience with you. I am adopted myself and my wise parents made sure I always knew that I was adopted.

Here's what my mother told me.
When I started asking "where do I come from", she told me that a nice woman had asked my mother and father to take care of me because she liked them (my parents) so much.
Obviously as I grew older, things become a lot clearer and eventually I was mature enough to comprehend the full picture.

In my life I get in contact with many adopted adults and there are almost without exception two kinds, those of us who always knew and accept our family and those who was told at a later age (7 or 8 years is late) and often struggle.

I urge you to work on a plan with your husband to inform you son.
Biology does not make a parent, love and guidance through life does.

As an adoptive mom I would start talking with your son right from the beginning that your husband loved him so much and wanted to be his daddy that he adopted him. We talk with our kids and tell them from birth that we are so glad that we adopted each other. It is never a secret and all they know. We speak about it being such a great way to build a family and that they were born from our hearts. As for bio-dad. In our case the dad's were sick and not able to take care of the kids at that time so they made it so they could have a great daddy (my husband). If you are confident and don't try to hide it your child will grow up confident and proud that his daddy picked him and will be his daddy forever.
Good Luck!

As I read the other responses I just want to stress that it is so important to talk with him now and not wait. This has to be all he knows he is not to young to learn the truth. The longer you wait the more it could cause lasting trauma. Look for books at www.tapestrybooks.com they have many books on adoption. They have age appropriate ones. I have adopted children and I start telling them this at birth. They don't know any other memory but that they always knew they were adopted. Also, be positive about the bio dad. You trashing him will not benefit anyone. He just wasn't ready to be a dad. It is not really about him but what you do say must be positive then focus on your husband and that daddy will always be there.
I will be praying for you. It is a good situation and stay positive. What a great man you found.
God Bless,
S.

I agree with what Stacy said. My husbands dad found out that the man who he thought of as his father all this life wasn't his biological dad when he was in his 20-30's. It devistated him. An aunt of his spilled the beans while drunk at some family function! Imagine that! Anyways long story short the man is a total outcast from his fam and still to this day is struggling to find out who he really is as a person. Telling your son the truth from the beginning is definitely the way to go! He will respect you and your husband even more knowing that you both love him so much! Start from the beginning, don't wait. The longer you wait the harder it will be for him to process and understand. If he grows up thinking its no big deal he wont focus on it as a major issue in his life and THAT is what you want. No emotional stress. Maybe you can make a fun happy little story book for him on how your family became complete. Draw or insert little pictures and you can read it to him as he grows, who knows it'll probably end up being his favorite book!

L.,
I have three younger half-sisters (10,13, & 16) and our father signed over his rights to all of them. The 13 y/o was adopted by my aunt & uncle when she was a baby. I'm not exactly sure when or how my aunt & uncle told my sister that she was adopted. Needless to say, she knows who her bio parents are, and even sees ther bio mom every once in a great while.

It will be important to tell your child about their bio dad, even if he's not in the picture any more. Someday, your child may get sick (ie needs kidney transplant, et al) and the drs will need the all imp't info about bio-dad.

Good luck!!

L.,

I think that at 5 he's a little young to tell, but I agree that he should be told. I would sit down the three of you and explain that another man is his Father, but that your husband is his Daddy. Then maybe explain to him that Father left and didn't want anything to do with them, but that Daddy will always be there.

My son will be 5 on October, and I'm trying think how I would tell my own son all this in a way that he would understand. I don't really know how. I think I'd wait until he was 1) older or 2) asked about it. But, I would talk with your husband now and come up with a plan of action for when this subject does come up.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

What a story! You have been through so much. I would wait until you son is 18 years old, or until he graduates high school. There is nothing worse, as a kid, growing up knowing that your biological father didn't want you and relinquished his rights. If you talk to your family and your husband's family and let them know-"we are going to wait until he is older to fully understand what happened", I know they will honor your request, and not speak of this so it doesn't "leak" out amongst the family. I think trying to tell a child (I have a 12 1/2 year old) is alot. It's one thing if the father died, but trying to tell your son "your biological father is a jerk, he wanted nothing to do with us, but your dad that raised you stepped up to the plate and is a far better person, and wanted to be your daddy". That is alot for a child to process. Like I said, I have a 12 1/2 year old, and I can't imagine having to tell him something like that. He is a great kid, he does have some self esteem issues (most kids this age do), we encourage him and praise him alot-but it's just hard being a kid now a days.

My brother and his wife are in a similar situation. She has 2 boys from a previous relationship-thier father was killed in a car accident 5-6 years ago. She got into a bad relationship, broke that off. My brother started seeing her again (they dated in high school, and remained good friends for 10 years) she was 4 months pregnant when they started dating again, the baby, not biologicaly his. They got married when the baby was 2-3 months old. That baby girl may not be biologically his, but don't try to tell him any different. He says the same thing "I'm her daddy, and that's all that she needs to know". We all know he is not her biological father-both sides of the family. We are all keeping this a secret until it's time for her parents to tell her. Until that day comes, we will love the mother (we have become close friends), and we will love the baby (she is now 1 years old) as if she were our own.

I have always believe love really has no boundries. We just open our hearts to any and all situations, as long as the intentions are good.

Good Luck!!

In my opinion, the sooner you tell him-the better. That way he will have time to adjust to the news. It may not be as big of a deal to him while he's young. However, as he gets older he may feel that his world is really shaken up because things he thought he knew to be true simply aren't. I think that telling him that he was fathered by another man but that you found him the best daddy in the world. Explain to him why the man you're with now is the best daddy for him and leave it at that. Of course if he has questions I would answer them and definitely leave the door open for further discussions. Something like, "I just want you to know that if you ever want to talk about this, please feel free to talk with me or your daddy, we both love you very much".

Good luck!
E.

I have a sort-of similar type of situation with my three year old stepdaughter. My husband and I have only been married a couple of months, but I have been raising his daughter since we began dating (she was 15months old). Her bio-mom is in and out of the picture and is so inconsistant that it is bringing up little questions that break my heart. So, from the time she was two, even when she wasn't asking why her "other mommy" wasn't with her all the time like me and daddy...we have said that she had one mommy who took care of her when she was in her tummy and was a little baby, and then she couldn't anymore (we haven't said why yet and she hasn't asked) so I got to take care of her and be the mommy to raise her to be a big girl. I don't know how much that helps, but I wouldn't wait to tell your son, it will just make it harder for you to explain why he didn't know before. Keep it very simple at first and just wait for him to come to you with the questions about more details. For your husband, just be supportive because it is very hard to be on that side of the situation and is very emotional for me on a daily basis as situations come up. I am lucky that my husband is VERY grateful to me for raising his daughter as my own, and he makes sure to remind me all the time of that, which you may have to do more often for your husband as you go about talking to your son. It my be helpful to him to talk to your son with you so he can explain that he was so excited to get the "honor" (or whatever word you want to insert there) of being his daddy that raises him to grow up and be a big boy and man. Any way you do it will come with a certain amoount of stress, but I feel it is better to do it sooner rather than later so he never feels that he was lied to or that there was a big secret kept from him. I wish you the best of luck and hope I helped in some small way. :)

I really wouldnt tell him because it may destroy his relationship with your husband now, unless he asks