Temper Tantrums - Durham, NC

Hello L.,

I have three children a six year old boy, four year old girl, and four month old son. I have to tell you alot of parents, teachers and doctors like to turn to ADHD and ODD to explain childrens behavior. I believe that these are greatly misdiagnosed and many times these children are behaving this way because of other things. I know that it is hard but my advice to you is not to wait until you are angry to disipline him. I personally believe in spankings and time out, even if you have to sit him in front of you. One thing that I use with my children is to use big words, children are much smarter than we give them credit, instead of telling him he is being bad, tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and you will not tolerate it, tell him that he is a good boy and never talk about his bad behavior in front of him to friends and family. As far as him hitting and kicking you, nip that in the bud now because he will get worse once my four year old raised her hand at me and I gave her a spanking (properly) and she has never done that since.I also always sit down face to face with eyecontact after I disipline my children and we discuss what they did and why it was wrong. Remember, you are the mother and in charge, take charge. Hope this helps.

Google "Reactive Attachment Disorder"
My husband and I took custody of a 10 year old family member this year. She has since become our Permenent foster daughter (we are excited to have her as our daughter and are learning the stresses of dealing with her challenges). Her mother died when she was 2 years old and her father has been MIA most of her life, only recently popped back in to her world. Reactive Attachment Disorder is kind of baffeling... what it is is the more the child loves you, the closer the child is to you the less the child trusts you for fear of abandonment by you. RAD can also include Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Check these 2 out on Google. I feel your pain, especially when you have a bright child that you love and only want the best for.

I am in the same boat as you. Mine is only two and half though but I get the same reactions from her...especially if she has just seen her dad. I just try and hold her really tight while she vents her frustrations. But I am quilty of getting extremely frustrated and yelling, which of course doesn't help. But what can you do? You can't take that little bit of time they get with their dad away, even though in my case, I think that would ultimately cure the problem. Good luck!

Wow it sounds like my little boy. The only diffence is that he is only four and doing the same thing. My name is A. and im 24 years old single mom liven in Wilnington. one thing that really helped me was to let him get all of his anger out. He knows that mommy will always love him no matter what. So this makes us an easy target. Dont let him win. If you get upset with him getting upset then he beleives that he has won. you need to be strong and know that things will get better with time. Please write back. really want to know if things get better. ____@____.com
good luck sweetie A.

The key is consistency. He should do what you say the first time or there will be consequences. If he knows you will repeat yourself over and over, he will continue to ignore you. If he has a tantrum, just walk away or make him stay in his room or in time out until he gets over it. Don't give him any attention for it (good or bad) because that is what he is seeking. I know it's hard, but you have to remember you are the boss and you make the rules and establishing them now will save a lot of heart and headache down the road. Just be consistent and don't allow the behavior. It's your choice, not his. Good luck!

I have 3 children and a stepdaughter my boys are 13 and 9 and my daughter is 5. my stepdaughter is about to turn 18 I have been with her since she was 8. My 5 year old daughter is also strong willed and I have on occasion also yelled at her and my other children as well. I have learned the hard way that all children are not the same. My son that is 9 has been diagnosed with ADHD. I do believe it is a true disease and not a cop out diagnosis as some people believe. My son that was diagnosed with ADHD just shuts down completely and will not even look at you when yelled at so I have learned to talk to him sit him down and give direct eye contact.My daughter that is 5 I beleive has gotten a worrisome complex because I have done this and I feel terrible about it. I understand you are alone, I am married but my husband travels a great deal he is mostly home on weekends so I do understand. My daughter is used to me being the disiplinarian so when he comes home and gets upset about something he scares her terribly like I do when I yell. To try and get to the point I sat down with my husband and explained my concerns and we have both gotten better about it we talk to her in a calm manner and tell her what privilages she will lose if she continues to act the way she is. She actually apologizes and whatever we have a problem with does not go away in a blink of an eye but it does get better in time, it takes alot of repitition and calming yourself down before approaching your child. You can't let the child have the upper hand and know that they are controlling you if they see you can be calm about the situation then it helps them as well to handle things better. Hope this helps!!

Hi L.!

I am a mother of twins, boy and girl, six years old. This age is tough, especially when you are doing it alone. Although I am not a single mom, I am a military wife which causes me to do things alone a majority of the time!!! LOL

Anyway...I would strongly suggest you talk to his teachers / caregivers. Then take him to a counseler. My son has ADHD and they sound like they do a lot of the same things, especially being told five times to do something and the tantrums/meltdowns. (Which can frusterate you as a parent easily.) Having dad "in and out" of his life I'm sure is not making things better either. When my son began to show signs there was a problem, my husband was two weeks home, two weeks gone. It made him unbarable. I was frusterated, but most importantly, my son was too. Temper tantrums, meltdowns, etc were extreme. All the classic signs were there, I just didn't put it all together at first. Given your situation though, even if he wasn't ADHD, it would be a good idea to go for some counseling just to deal with the fact that dad is in and out of his life. I always tell my kids, "There are many types of families. All of them are different. This is just the type of family we are, and we have each other. So, we need to make the best of what we have." Either way...with counseling...you can't loose!

Start with you pediatrian. They can refer you to the best place. Next, keep a journal. Bring it with you to each doctor's appointment. When counselers / phychologists / pediatricians have this to reference to it can help them help you more. At the end of the day, just jot down some things that stick out in your mind about the day and some questions. Lastly, don't be afraid to tell the doctors anything. And involve anyone in counseling who is a constant in your child's life. Grandma, Grandpa, Aunt, etc. I truly believe in the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child!" Be open and honest and you'll be amazed at how much you learn about your child!

***Sidenote: I am a product of years of counseling, and my son is seen by a counseler. I strongly recommend it and it is wonderful way to be closer as a family!***

Good luck to you! Please feel free to e-mail me if you need to chat. ~Lee