Terminally Sick in Law - Tension in Marriage

Probably a poor choice of words given the situation. If it's because his dad is ill yep I can see why he'd be the top priority. I would ask for clarification about what he meant by the comment. If you truly aren't a priority then that is a red flag. and requires a deeper discussion and decision making.

I am pretty certain though its just the emmotional stress that's gotten the best of him right now.

I'm so sorry that ya'll are going through this. Dealing with a terminally ill relative especially a parent is very demanding and taxing. Your husband is under a great deal of stress and you are too. However, his stress is combined with having to deal with the fact that he is going to be losing his dad soon. It's emotionally draining and a lot to handle. With that said, I don't think you ought to take what he said personally. If he is normally an attentive, caring, and thoughtful husband this outburst can be contributed to the amount of stress, anxiety, frustration and fear that he is experiencing. Right now the only thing he can see is his dad dying. Doesn't mean that he doesn't appreciate all that you are doing. He will express his appreciation to you later, after all is said and done. A situation like this is hard on everyone in one degree or another. In the meantime, continue doing what you are doing and try not to take anything personally. I know when my mom was dying, that's all I saw and when she died, I was not all here. It takes time to get past it. You never get over it but you learn to accept it. Give him some space and some time. Good luck. Sending hugs.

My greatest regret is that when my mother was put into in a nursing home four hours from us, I didn't let my husband just take over getting our daughter to kindergarten and move down there for a few weeks. I made lots of visits but none for more than a week and I wish I'd just gone and stayed a month; it could have made a difference, I know now. We didn't know my mom was going to die (she did, after just a few months) but she might have been rallied and able to last a lot longer if I'd been there all the time.

If your husband is not with his dad 24/7, and if your in-laws are fairly close to you and not hours away -- you're better off than many families where big distances mean horrible choices.

Please look at your hurt and anger again. His father is going to die and this time is your husband's last time with him, ever.

How would you feel in the same situation if you were the adult child with a dying parent? Torn? Conflicted? Grieving? But much better if your husband supported you and did not accuse you of putting your dying parent ahead of your family for a short time...?

Priorities do change over time. You're right; you are not his priority right now. And that is appropriate for right now. You will be his priority again, but only if you refuse to let your own hurt get between you and cause resentments that may fester long, long after his father is dead. Please, don't let this damage your marriage for the long term just because in the short term you were angry and jealous about the time he is spending helping his parents.

Oh, Honey, that hurts, but his father's dying. That's forever. You're not wrong for feeling what you feel--you ARE human, after all--but you will need to put on your thicker skin so you can avoid taking this personally. It's not about you AT ALL. He is coming to terms with the impending loss of a parent, and he is trying to squeeze as much from the present as possible. There's just not enough room in his mind and heart to focus on anyone else's feelings. In his mind, you'll be there when this is all over; you are a given. If there ever is an appropriate time to take a spouse for granted, this is it. It sounds harsh, but you have to suck it up and remove as much as possible from his plate while he is dealing with this. You're his partner, and the weight is shifting. Don't even mention to him that he has hurt you. He is in no position to tend to you like that. He can't put a pin in it and suspend his father's illness while he takes care of your feelings. Time is running out with every second, time that he can never get back. And he's gonna drag it out as much as possible until the final remnants are yanked from his white knuckles.

Give him a big hug and a kiss and send him on his way. Don't even discuss this with him. Just show him that you've got the homefront covered so he'll have one less thing to worry about. If you give him grief now, he'll never forgive you once his father's gone. You'll be the reason that he didn't spend more time or have his mind free to enjoy the spent time. Have you ever lost someone close? It looks very different close up. You don't necessarily behave with logic and rationale.

Honestly, his father is dying. Your husband has a very small amount of time left with him and everyone is hurting. You need to cut him some slack. Maybe you can help too, unless the ages of your children make that impossible.

My mother is in the middle of the exact same thing and darn if that exchange hasn't happened a time or two in her house. After spending a year and a half watching her spouse leave every single weekend to take care of an ailing mother and then having every single week night filled with some task related to the mother's care, their tensions reached a near breaking point. After one last final argument, my mother decided she was being unreasonable. She realized she would no doubt have done the same thing for her own parents so to ask less of her spouse was an insult to everyone involved. Death is very final as she said to me once. When her spouse's mother finally dies, my mother realized she'd be the one left standing with her grieving spouse to pick up the pieces. For the short term their lives are in hiatus but the death of a parent is enormous. She took a deep breath and worked on being continually supportive and understanding. This will only be for a little while and it's part of the for better or worse and in sickness and in health bit as she quipped once. Good luck and my well wishes to your family during this difficult time.

honestly he needs to be there for his dad, and family. PERIOD. honestly if it was me my dad would come first, and then my kids and THEN my spouse. thats my family, and my guy would do the same thing, HIS PARENTS then our kid THEN me. I wouldnt take any offense to it at all. i would be more upset if he wouldnt put his dad/mom first

Well, I guess I think it is truly honorable of your husband to want to serve his father during what little time he has left to do so.

I also think it is truly honorable for you to stand by him and do everything possible to support him during this difficult time.

If I'd had a stressed out moment and created a feeling for my husband that I was resentful of his spending so much time away from me and the kids during this, I would likely realize it, apologize and say, go, do what you need to do, I've got your back.

Because I would just HATE it if years from now he remembers this time as me being unsupportive and clingy. Bleck, that would suck.

I'm sorry, I know you're stressed too, and spread thin. But it won't be forever, right?

Be good to yourself by being good to him. You're a team.

Sorry to be so preachy.

:(

Let me put it this way....I was on FULL BEDREST IN THE HOSPITAL with a HIGH RISK pregnancy and my MIL was dying from Parkinson's. She died exactly 11 days after our Daughter was born. My husband is also a Deputy Sheriff and we had at the time an older daughter. So my husband was dealing with EVERYTHING & Completely stressed out. I knew that MY PRIORITY was to keep as much off his shoulders as I could - so he could focus his energy where it needed to be.....HIS MOM!!!! I knew I would have him for many years to come but he would only have a short time with her.

Stop taking this personally and remember that his priority is his Dad right now. He reached his breaking point and he had to release the built up pressure some. Give him a kiss and let him know that love him and keep in mind that this shows how deeply he cares about his family. You need to take a break for yourself too and even with him - even if it is just coffee. Let him know too that you appreciate all that he is doing for his parents.

Most of all DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY

Keep being supportive, your husband's father IS the priority at this time. I hope you will go to your husband and make up from the argument...he doesn't need any more pain in his life right now. His father is going to die and when that happens his mother is going to STILL need him and he is going to need YOU to be strong for him.

Remember the for BETTER or WORSE vow? This is one of the WORSE times.

Your family will be in my prayers.

Blessings...

Is his father in hospice care at this point? I know that when my father signed the paperwork for hospice the care and emotional support we received was wonderful. The problem is that while we all know people who have died of a terminal illness it's totally different when it's your father, your mother, your sister, your best friend. You are overwhelmed with what you are losing and how it will impact your life moving forward.

Right now your husband is telling you that his father is his top priority right this minute. It doesn't diminish your importance or your children's importance. No one wants to be in this position and your hubby is trying to do the best he can to deal with the work but I don't think he's really dealing with the emotions. I know I didn't for a long time because there was so much busy work to be done.

Where do you go from here? Calm down and take a deep breath, pull yourself together and start a new day. If you can figure out how to help your inlaws by taking over a task or two that your hubby is doing now that would be great. If not then continue to support your hubby's efforts as he goes through this horrible time.

I have been in your place...three times!! I had a terminally ill mother, 3 years later a beloved terminally ill aunt (no husband or kids, only 3 nieces) and than 3 years later a terminally ill father in law. All three relatives were very near and dear to us. All died in their own home with supportive family around them. All had hospice care. I have lived in the stress that this causes.

Marriage is give and take. Now is the time for you to GIVE to your husband 110%. He needs you now and after his father's death. He needs your time, understanding, grace, forgiveness, love, respect, faith and the opportunity for personal space to just 'be'. As Toni V said, this is the 'WORSE' part of 'FOR BETTER OR WORSE'.

Please, please hold your tongue. Look outside your immediate family for support. Put your hurt and upset feelings aside. With all due respect, this isn't about you. It's about him and the loss he is feeling. This is your time to step up and give all of yourself to him.

Feel free to send me a PM if you would like. I know what you are going through. Been there, done that. During my aunt's illness, I had an almost 3 year old and was preg with #2. With my FIL, I had 6 1/2 and 4 year old.

When my step dad was terminally ill, he and my mother were my top priority.
It didn't mean I loved my husband any less.
It meant I had to focus on my parents at the time, for what I knew would be a limited time.
I think he's right to be putting his dad first.
What, exactly, does that mean & look like in your house?
That's he's at their house a lot?
That he's earning less because he's taking time off?
That's he's neglecting his chores at home?
That his children NEVER see him?

I mean, it's not like a blank check to be totally absent and irresponsible, but it doesn't sound like that's what's going on.
Maybe you knew it but didn't like hearing it said out loud?

Where to "go" from here? Keep being supportive and take on some tasks yourself if you can & they are agreeable.
Your husband is saying goodbye to his father.
He sounds like a good son.

When this is all "over" do you want to have bad feelings because he did the right thing(s)?

Hello,
I haven't read your other responses but my first reaction is that your husband must understandably be experiencing some serious stress, and that certainly takes it's toll at some point. Please don't take his lashing out personally; I have a feeling that he never meant to hurt you. I have yet to experience sick parents or dying parents personally, but my husband has. Talk to your husband in a kind and non-accusatory tone and tell him that you understand how hard it must be watching his dad die before his eyes and tell him that you are completely supportive of him and the help he's giving his dad. But gently tell him that you are on his side, have been and always will be and that his lashing out at you has hurt you. Make amends and do it graciously; you both need one another. Best wishes to you and your family during this tough time.

Omg.
Your husband is completely devastated right now. His FATHER is dying. He was so blunt with you, because he could not get you to understand.
Once his father is dead, do you want to look back at your behaviors during this time, like this?

We have been through this several times. We never even considered that anything else in our lives was a priority, when someone so close was dying.

My husbands grandfather needed someone to be with him 24 hrs a day. He had plenty of money, but eventually, it was almost all gone. We all agreed, none of us wanted any type of monetary inheratence so grandfather could continue to be cared for, my husband even offered to spend 3 nights a week with him. I would run any errands that needed to be done,. Our daughter would do her homework over there, so we could help.

My best friend just died 2 weeks ago. For almost a year, I would say she was my priority and my husband and daughter, totally embraced this.

Here, s the wonderful thing, I now have no regrets. I was able to spend all of that time assisting her and her husband. I am so thankful to my husband and daughter for supporting me the entire time.

I will never have these people in our lives, but we knew, that these people, we're suffering, and we would soon never see them again. But to not have a y regrets, is comforting to us survivor.

Updated

Omg.
Your husband is completely devastated right now. His FATHER is dying. He was so blunt with you, because he could not get you to understand.
Once his father is dead, do you want to look back at your behaviors during this time, like this?

We have been through this several times. We never even considered that anything else in our lives was a priority, when someone so close was dying.

My husbands grandfather needed someone to be with him 24 hrs a day. He had plenty of money, but eventually, it was almost all gone. We all agreed, none of us wanted any type of monetary inheratence so grandfather could continue to be cared for, my husband even offered to spend 3 nights a week with him. I would run any errands that needed to be done,. Our daughter would do her homework over there, so we could help.

My best friend just died 2 weeks ago. For almost a year, I would say she was my priority and my husband and daughter, totally embraced this.

Here, s the wonderful thing, I now have no regrets. I was able to spend all of that time assisting her and her husband. I am so thankful to my husband and daughter for supporting me the entire time.

I will never have these people in our lives, but we knew, that these people, we're suffering, and we would soon never see them again. But to not have a y regrets, is comforting to us survivor.

I'm in this boat too! My MIL is going through her second bout with cervical cancer. She beat it 7 years ago, but this time isn't doing as well, and we were spending more time taking care of her house and taking care of her than we were our own home and children. The crazy part is that she and I always had a strained relationship until she got sick this last time. Once she got the diagnosis I just said, "What needs to be done?" Then I did it. Dishes, laundry, taking care of pets, taking my turn sitting with her during chemo. I figured it helped my hubby just as much, if not more, than it helped her, and he was my main priority. She and I are now great friends, and I can't imagine not having her there to text and talk to every day. So my question to you is, how close are you to your in-laws? Have you tried moving them toward the top of your priority list? When my husband realized that I did this with his mom even though we weren't close, he appreciated me even more. I can definately appreciate how much it hurts to not be his priority, I go through that too, but I CAN'T imagine going through what he's dealing with, so I try my best to cut him some slack. Sometimes all you can do is stop and give him a hug to let him know you are there for him. And sometimes all you can do is stand back and let him deal with it all on his own, even though it breaks your heart not to be able to hellp him more. Gook luck.

If he meant that you are not his priority right now, he is completely justified. If he meant you aren't,never were, and/or never will be his priority, you need to have a serious conversation with him and evaluate your marriage.

Right now, his dad is terminally ill and he is doing what he can to help them. Although everyone's time is limited, right now, his dad's time is running out. He is trying to spend time w/ his dad and help his dad and his mom with things that need to be done. It is understandable.

Does he still need to have time for you and your kids? absolutely. Should that time and his responsibilities at home be lessened right now? absolutely.

I would suggest that you talk to your hubby if you are not sure how he intended his declaration. I am betting it is just the "right now" scenario. See what you can do to help lessen his responsibilities at home so when he is home he can take time w/ you and the kids and the high priority items that you can't handle on your own. Expect the little things to slide.

I'm so sorry for you and your family. This is such a trying time. It is not easy to watch your parent waste away and die. Remember, this is the man who taught your husband how to be a man. This is your husband's hero and he is dying. Of course he is the top priority. He has to be. Honestly, would you want it any other way? Do you want your husband to walk away and not help? What he did last night was vent to the one person he felt safe with and that is YOU!

Don't hold this against him. Hug him today and say that you love him and that you are there for him. My response to his comment "you are right, I'm not the top priority it is you dad. I agree. Just don't forget about us." He can't take anymore pressure. You don't know what his mom is saying or his dad for that matter. Remember, this isn't going to last forever but what a wonderful man you married to care for his father. Yeah, that says alot!!!!

Hang in there and keep supporting him. I was on the other side of that almost 6 years ago. My dad was terminal. And my husband was very supportive. I spent almost every waking hour with him that I was not at work the last month or so of his life. And there was a few times that I took off work cause he needed me. We had two small kids as well. My husband worked crazy schedules but would try to work his schedule so that he could take care of them as much as he could so I didn't have to. I ment so much to me. It was important for me to be with my dad as we never knew how long we would have him. He will have been gone 6 years in June but I still remember like it was yesterday how wonderful my husband was and how much he did sacrifice for me to spend that important time with my dad. Just typing this makes me cry and I am not a cryer!

Good luck and God Bless!

Well he's right, isn't he? His father is DYING. You will still (God willing) be here, healthy and whole, next week, next month, next year. Depending on his father's prognosis, he won't be.

Of course his father comes first - I truly don't even understand why you would question that.

Oh my. This sounds very similar to an argument my husband and I just had this morning.

I understand how you would be hurt and upset by his statement. Unfortunately your husband is having a really rough time dealing with a dying parent. It is a good thing for him to do what he feels he needs to do for his mother and father during this time because he doesn't want to have to live with regrets. He is under a tremendous amount of pressure. I believe it would be helpful for him to take a break or get some counseling through this process.

It is a process. He really does feel as though his dad is his priority at this time but at the end of the day you both will have each other to help through this grieving process after father is gone and while he is still here. Try not to take what he said personally even though it was very personal.

With the help of a trained professional you both can work through this process. Talking with others who can understand and support you and your feelings is important while you support your husband's emotional turmoil.

I only skimmed some of the other answers so I may repeat.

My MIL was terminally ill a couple of years ago over several months. She lived in Florida and we are in Illinois. My kids were around 18-months and 3 at the time. My husband flew down several times, was constantly on the phone with doctors and family members, and even when he was here and trying to think about us he really wasn't here. It was tough for both of us, but she was his priority. When he was here I just learned not to depend on him for anything or ask him for too much. When he felt he needed to go I didn't argue. We just did the best we could. We are still recovering financially from the travel expenses. But, what are you going to do?

It's his parent. I had to ask for help from other people when I felt I had reached my limit. And I have found that when asking for help or when people ask to help it's best to have specific ideas in mind, i.e., just coming over and hanging out for an hour so I could shower, bringing over dinner, or picking things up at the store (I still hate taking both kids to any store :). This part will end and then there will be grieving. Reach out to your friends and family for support. This too shall pass.

Be Supportive! Understand that he cares for his parents and that if he doesn't help them in the way that he is, he will regret it for the rest of his life! You and your children are important to him, but at this time his parents are #1. Being supportive, means that you are taking care of everything at home with the children on your own, until he has completed his mission with his father.
Suggest to him that you plan a date night at least once a week with you and a few playdates with his kids during the week, so that he can keep his connection with them.
Why don't you go with to the doctor appointments, and visit with him while in the waiting room? Plus you are there as a supportive person, also.
Put yourself in his position. If it were your parents, what would you do?

I think it would hurt to hear emotionally but makes sense from a logistical POV. His dad will be his top priority because his time is very limited and he can see the end point, although I believe the way he said it was harsh and unnecessary. He also has to remember that although his dad can take precedence before most things , family included , that all in all his family should be top priority. I would think his dad would want that, I’m not sure how long his dad has, but I'm sure if this could go on for years, his dad wouldn't want his family to be torn apart and kids hurt from it. He needs to prioritize and delegate between other people who care. That’s tough though.

I understand why you could be hurt but I also understand your husband saying his father is his priority right now. He knows his time is limited. If you suddenly really need him because you were ill I am betting you would become your husband's first priority. Try not to take it personally. This is such a stressful situation for all of you.

I would think at a time like this your husband meant you were not his top priority like when you do a list of things for the day and say this is my priority, whatever it is. Doesn't mean your spouse is not always the top but for today this is the priority. Maybe he couldn't express it in the right way. He has a lot to do to help his parents and if you could help relieve any of that it would be good but on the other hand he may want to do it and be there. I would try to be there with him whenever possible. Please don't let your emotions get in the way and be hurt by this at a time like this.

Ugh, ouch. I haven't been in this situation but I can say that your husband is under a lot of emotional stress and I'm certain that he said in a horribly indelicate way (to you) that YOU will be around for awhile and his father's time is limited. I think this is just one of those times when you need to remain kind of stoic, suck it up and hire help or call in reinforcements until you can get through this period for however long it lasts. I'm so sorry, I can see how it'd be so difficult, but this is truly a huge moment in his life and in your marriage but keep pushing ahead and get counseling together if you can to talk about the emotional impact of all of this for all of you. This can be a bonding or breaking experience...and it doesn't have to break you.

Basically you have my response about 32 times now. I have one personal piece to add.
My MIL died a few days ago. She and my hubby were not necessarily close. She would call sometimes before her illness and he may not have taken the call. She was very secretive about her illness but I could tell things were not going well after she said she had to go through Chemo again. I started gently telling him that he needed to spend more time with her. I put her on MY to do list knowing that if I started spending time with her, he would follow. He did. Flash forward to last month. It was clear that she was very sick. We were back and forth in emergency because of her pain..(red flag) the last time about 3 weeks ago, she was hospitalized and she could not walk because the pain was so bad. Mind you NONE IF US KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WASHAPPENING. I urged them to get permission to get her prognosis. They did. Stage 4 lung cancer that had spread to the bone. There was nothing else to be done. She was moved to a nursing home for "physical therapy". Her family refused to accept that this was actually hospice care. Now we go from visiting once every other week or so to my hubby needing to get FMLA & having to go to Appts, and to the home daily. He is NOT a natural care giver but has done a bang up job. He has been cranky. Very cranky. If I suggest something regarding his mom, he snaps my head off but I do not take it personal. The day before she died, all she would say us that she wanted to go home. I told DH that we could move her into our home and we would take care of her. He could take off work and I could carry the bills on my own while he did so. (I am the primary breadwinner) if he wanted to take her to her home, he could stay there full time and I would come after work to relieve him. My main message? We can do WHATEVER he wanted to do. Sadly she died that next day. My poor honey is devastated. He thought she was going to recover. Now I see the regret in his eyes. The times missed because he never told her how he felt about his child hood. Now she is gone. He never carried a picture if her in his wallet. At the funeral home the other day, he pulled one out. I share this to say, step back, allow him this time to do what he needs to do. You only get one set of parents and that loss and realization that they are gone or soon will be is soul shattering. This is not the time for you to ask for anything. This is your time to give. You won't regret it. Don't discuss your altercation. Let it go. Don't ever bring it up again. His comments were not about you or the kids. It was said out of the pain of his potential loss. My condolences to you both. My MIL funeral is tomorrow. I can't imagine our state had she lived a year in the state she was in. I will keep your family in prayer and say an extra one for you to soothe your heart during DH absence.
Stay strong Mom! This too shall pass!!

I would brush it off. I haven't gone through it but I don't think he meant it the way you seem to have taken it. He's not saying he doesn't love you, his parents are his "priority" because they need him a lot. Just go with it, keep being supportive and helping him out. They need his help and the two of you probably dont realize how much he needs your help. If you are stressed or having a hard time with it, think about how much harder it is for him. His parents, which he seems to love dearly, need him to take care of them instead of the other way around. Its hard and you will have your arguments due to stress, don't hold it against him. Don't fight back by bringing up his parents at all. That will make everything so much worse. Make sure you take sometime to be with your little ones. Do some special things with them, don't hold back just because he can't be there. They don't need the stress or to feel like they aren't priority.
I hope everything works out and I wish you the best of luck!

Your FIL is terminally ill. He will die. If my mother was going to DIE than she would be my first priority too. I would expect that my husband would help with the care of our children so that I could be with my mother while she is sick, in pain, and DYING.
You have the rest of your life to be with your husband, who knows how long he has to be with his dad.
L.

ouch!

He is very stressed right now, he is spreading himself thin to be there for everyone he loves and his job.. everything and everyone. On top of the stress Im sure he is scared to death of loosing his dad even though he knows its coming unfortunatly sooner than later.

Even though it came out in anger and in the wrong way, I do believe that right now his dad is his top priority. Sometimes we have to move around the people we love and put them in different priorities. Right now with his dad's condition and what is to come for his self he needs to put his dad first since he is going to be leaving him soon. Its going to be extremely hard on him when he dad dies, but when the does happen he is going to need you more than ever! When things get back to "normal" after it settles down after the funeral etc you and your family will become first again.

Just remember that sadly this isn't going to be forever and continue to be there as strong if not stronger for your husband, while its hard on everyone its hardest on him. Its hard to put yourself on the back burner like you have been but please try to do your best to keep doing what you have been doing, what you are feeling I'm sure he is feeling 10x more. Plus whether he is going to say it or not, Im sure he feels guilty because he is being spread so thinly right now for everyone and he probably wishes he could be there more for everyone.

Good luck and big hugs to all of you

I hate to pile on, but you have to look past the surface of what he said and realize that in reality he does need to focus on his dad. If you need help with the kids or anything else, see if you have some friend(s) who can lend you a hand so you can help him with what he hasn't been able to attend to at home. Or maybe a friend of his can help with some of his "Man Chores".

Another thing (and you don't say how little the little ones are, but...) make a concerted effort to get those grandchildren to see grandpa - all of you as a family. This is an important thing for them to see and experience - the circle of life. Let your father-in-law see that he's leaving his son to a happy, loving family. That, too, will ease his mind and help your husband experience that support even more.

Good luck and many blessings to you all.

What was it about? In general? What did you ask him to do?

I would say, "DH, I realize you are very stressed. I cannot imagine losing my father. However, I try to support you and telling me that I'm not also a priority really hurt. I've also been holding down the fort at home to allow you to give this extra time to your parents and that's not always easy. I want us to be a team and support each other. We need to come together, not fall apart. How can we do this?"

Grief does weird things to people. If he's become a de facto caregiver, he may be burning out. There are support groups and hospice for the families that will be left behind. He should find one. My grandfather had Alzheimer's and we had to make my grandmother take time for herself because she wasn't, and not taking care of her own health put her in the hospital. Now, not knowing what the fight was about, maybe he felt like since you have handled something on your own before, you should now, but I totally get that being "on" by yourself all the time can really wear on you and I bet you miss your time with your DH, too. He can prioritize his dad, but he should not take care of them at the expense of his family - who he will need in the days and years following his father's passing.

Please don't take your husband's response personally. A parent loss is a dreadful thing, especially when you know what the outcome is going to be sooner than later. My mother died unexpectly when I was 15 and now my step-mom is terminally ill and is given only months to live. You want to spend as much time as possible with someone you know isn't going to be around much longer. If your husband doesn't do everything he can then he may have regret later on. Also, a parent death is really, really horrible - they are your rock and to have them gone is beyond frightening. I am trying to spend as much time as possible with my step mom and my dad (he is an absolute wreck right now). So there is two things to consider with your husband the grief for the parent that is dying and the responsiblity and support for the parent that is left behind. It is such a great burden and truely terrifying. Please give your husband some slack. I love my husband, but a parent/child love is truely different. The emotions I feel for my dad and my son is like none other. I know my husband feels the same way about his dad, and I totally get it and don't take offence.

I understand this is hard on your too, and I am truely sorry. All around it is a painful situation. I hope you find the support you need.

Also find out what your needs are. Write them down. Do you need help with kids? TIme to yourself? Affection from him? TIme to exercise. You may need him only a bit but he needs to know what you need once you figure it out. Good luck!

This was my family about 1.5 years ago. My FIL was diagnosed with lung cancer Feb 2010 and it spread to his brain. My MIL has MS and confined to a wheel chair. My FIL was her care taker. My husband spent the night about 4 nights a week (he switched with one of his brother's). We had a 3 year old and I was home ALOT. My husband said the same thing that his parents are his priority. I am last. I understood and didn't take it personally. It was really hard. We had help with mowing the lawn form the neighbors. My daughter and I would get away on weekends and spent time with my parents so that my husband wouldn't have to "worry" about us. We spent as much time as we could with his parents. He was put in an assisted living facility, but my husband and brother (another brother would come home and stay for couple weeks at a time) had to take care of their mom, too. SOOOOO STRESSFUL. We are still grieving my FIL death. He passed away July 2010. We had to find someone to take care of his mom. We tried in home care (issues with stealing), assisted living (she needed more care than that). We finally found a wonderful small nursing home. It's not the ideal situation, but this is all we could do. My husband still visits her during the week and we bring her to the house on Saturdays or visit on Saturdays. It is so stressful. All of his time is spent trying to find care for his mom, auctioning off their things and selling their house. So, I totally understand and this is just a "bump in the road." It will eventually get better. It will just be different. Good Luck and understand their are others that are going through the same thing.

I'm so sorry this is happening to your family. Death is such a hard journey on everyone. It sounds to me like you're giving care to the caregiver, but you're draining yourself in the process.

Here's my perspective. My mom died four years ago,and I thought I was prepared for my Dad's death four months ago. Instead, life feels desolate without him. I don't talk much to my husband about how I feel, and I know that I should. In hindsight, I know that my husband would have appreciated a "I just can't deal with x right now," rather than having to read my mind. True, "you're not my priority" sounds harsh, but sometimes it's hard to be sensitive to your loved ones when you're hurting inside.

Here's what I would do if I were you. 1 -- if possible, get a little outside help for YOU to hold down the homefront during this time (i.e. get a highschooler to watch the kids while you do chores and get some time to yourself). 2 -- if possible, maximize your relationship with your family (if your syblings or parents are available, talk and spend time with them, and surround yourself with your own network). 3 -- be clear about what you need your husband's focus for and what you don't (you know best what you can do on your own and what absolutely needs his attention). 4 -- celebrate and capture every moment that your FIL can share with your kids (photos, videos, talking -- it will be so important for them to remember their grandpa -- for grandpa, for kids, for husband, and you). 5 -- be prepared for dealing with both his death and his estate issues (nothing happens quickly in the execution of an estate, and it sounds like your husband will probably be executor and therefore dealing with wills etc. for some time). 6 -- after your FIL's journey is over, wait a little while, and then talk together with your husband about how to approach the illness, aging, and death of other loved ones (esp. if you and/or your husband plan to be of support to them). Learn from this experience for the future.

Be well, and best wishes.

You've got a lot of good answers here...I'm sorry for what you are going through, but you need to cut him some slack...right now it is only right that his Dad be his first priority...because that is current and acute...Continlue to be supportive and when it's all over, he'll appreciate even more your support you are giving him now..it's hard on everyone, but it's his Dad...Betting you might feel the same way if it were one of your parents...Good luck...

It sucks to be at the.stage Of life where we become our parents caregiver. It really stinks to.have to put the people you live with on the back burner for while. I did it for two years and lost my dad two years ago today. We live a half Of a block from my parents and i fwe
Feel people many times are not there for their families these days. They hardly ever talk much less care enough to be there when it counts. This us a view Of how he values Family in critical times. Embrace it and allow himtime to do this. Yes it is hard.yes you are a capable adult not First on his list as this moment but thid shows you where he will be in a crisis with you. Do not make him feel guilty as it is not like he said you are not his first priority and headed to vegas. Many single womem take care Of many kids without any help ever so you have to do it a bit.