The "Aftermath" of Divorce.....should I Be Angry?

My opinion... Don't rock the boat. If you guys have a pretty good 'co-parenting' relationship, then don't jeopardize that because of this. You already knew that he cheated, you just didn't know who with. Knowing who he cheated on you with shouldn't change anything, and it definitely shouldn't jeopardize a good 'co-parenting' relationship.

Even though he cheated at various times, the fact that he MET this woman years ago does not mean that he MUST have been cheating with her the whole time. You're getting upset over something that MIGHT not have even happened.
As for him bringing her to the house, it's his house now. Even though you still have emotions attached to it, you have no grounds to object to what he does in it or who he does it with. Sucks, I know, but it is what it is.

I would be happy to not have to be married to him any more. He sounds presumptuous. Imagine how daughter is going to feel about him once she is an adult.

I know I am not pleased when I remember how he behaved towards my mother and us as a family.

He is my father, but he was a jerk as a husband. He is the reason the divorced,., he treated my mother very poorly and I also do not appreciate this.

You are allowed your feelings. None of this is right. But the best revenge is living an excellent life and learning that you deserve better than him. Try to get past this and do not waste energy on this..

And remember, payback is hell. He will face it eventually.

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I would be happy to not have to be married to him any more. He sounds presumptuous. Imagine how daughter is going to feel about him once she is an adult.

I know I am not pleased when I remember how my father behaved towards my mother and us as a family.

He is my father, but he was a jerk as a husband. He is the reason the divorced,., he treated my mother very poorly and I also do not appreciate this.

You are allowed your feelings. None of this is right. But the best revenge is living an excellent life and learning that you deserve better than him. Try to get past this and do not waste energy on this..

And remember, payback is hell. He will face it eventually.

Yes you have a reason to be angry but why bother? He will probably do the same thing to this woman...just think He is not your problem anymore. Men like that dont change and you surely deserve better. Dont let him get to you and make you bitter. Its not worth it! Good luck!

Don't waste your anger on him. Really. I was cheated on my by ex-husband.

You are divorced. Have been for one year. He is no longer cheating on you. He told you he met her in Puerto Rico - because he KNEW it would push your buttons. People will find out the truth about him. And she will find out the truth about him....if she thinks that HE will NOT cheat on her? She better be on her BEST GAME EVERY DAY....but even then, it most likely won't matter.

DO NOT let this bother you. Why give him this power over you? I know how hurt you are. How humiliating it is to be cheated on....especially when others knew....you need to remove yourself from that. Let go of the anger and hurt - because in reality - it's ONLY hurting YOU. You are wasting time being angry with a "man" (and I use that term loosely) who isn't worth your time and energy.

Continue to co-parent with him. But keep it professional. No personal stuff unless it's about your child. Other than that? He doesn't need to know what is going on in your life and you don't need to know what's going on in his. Yes...it would be nice to know who he is dating...but really? until they are getting married? Do not stress over it. IF and when they get married? Still none of your business unless it affects your child.

It's hard to get over. YOU CAN DO IT...let the anger go. You aren't helping anyone. You are ONLY HURTING YOURSELF!!

Good luck!

Good riddance! Now he can be HER problem.
Thank God you got out!
I would be angry too....Maybe say, "I would rather you don't introduce one of the women you were sleeping with during our marriage to our daughter."
Pop your head in, say "HI!" to ex father in law, and then skidaddle.
And I know that you feel like that is your home that you helped create....just remember that that is your old home that your cheatin' lyin' no good husband lives in now.
Your home is where you are. :)
L.

You have a right to be angry!

The good news is you've divorced this man. If he was "good enough" for you then you'd still be together. If he was a good person, you'd still be together.

It might not be the nicest thing to think, but this woman is getting your "leftovers." She is getting something that wasn't good enough for you, a person who didn't treat you the way you deserved. What makes her think that he's going to treat her any better? If anything, I'd pity her.

I would go with my head held high (and looking very nice, of course!) I'd drop my daughter off, say a quick "Happy birthday!" to the father (because YOU are a classy, nice person). If he introduces his girlfriend then you can be gracious and tell her it's nice to meet her. After all, she may have some influence over your daughter. The nicer you are, the better it will be for all.

Then you can make your excuses that you have to leave, after all, you have a very busy life to get back to! Say goodbye to your daughter last as she is the most important one in this picture. And then go on your merry way.

Good luck!

Here is what I would do (and I'm divorcing a cheater right now and I really mean this). I had a man with this personality too. You're correct, he did NOT know her, then make a clean break from her, then marry you and cheat on you with everyone BUT HER, and then call her up AFTER your divorce out of the blue. And if he did, then you'll be making a mistake with my advice, but you know what? Who cares. You're entitled to a mistake. It can be worked out later.

Be the classy bigger person, and don't lose your cool in front of these total losers- you're right not to go. I wouldn't even bring my daughter. You are not obligated to attend this particular event and cater to his every desire. It's his dad's birthday not his, and if these people have been rude to you before, this is no time to kiss up to them. He did cheat on you with this woman and it would be preposterous to go through this. He got you to agree and THEN added in the part about the woman??! Screw that. DAMN RIGHT you should be pissed. My ex has a bad family too-they raised him after all. I would NOT deal with this at all.

If you are feeling beyond generous, you can let him leave the party and come pick up his daughter. But you know what? She can get to know his "new" girlfriend another day. The girlfriend has no clout right now other than your ex's deluded self-serving interests.

I met a couple of the hooches my ex knew before we met and cheated with while we were married. Would I attend or drop my kids off to this party under these exact circumstances? HELL. No. I know your ex wants it to be a big celebration for HIMSELF and all:...His dad's birthday, his whole family gathered together, his girlfriend meeting his daughter, his ex being polite and serving up his daughter, but you know what? The world is not his flippin' candy store.

Make a voodoo doll of him tonight and don't feel bad no matter what you decide. You're justified in your feelings, and I'm so sorry you'll be forced to "respect" this tramp eventually if they stay together, but you don't have to do jack for this party and neither does your child. Nope. Forget it.

Of course you should be angry. Whatever we feel is OK. What matters is what we do with the feeling. I think you are the bigger person by appearing, saying happy birthday and leaving. However, I might not go hunting for his father. I'd stick my head in, say hello to whoever is there and say, "I've gotta run. Have a good time."

I also suggest that this knowledge opened up a big wound which suggests that you're not completely over the loss. You are still angry, at least, by this one thing. It's important to feel the anger and work thru it, just as you worked thru other issues.

Yes, you have reason to be angry, and I would be too.... BUT be darned if I would let him know it!!! I would walk in that house with your daughter, be sure you're looking as hot as possible, say hi to everyone and happy birthday to his father, be civil to your ex and his girl-friend and then make a gracious exit.

You already know he was cheating, whether it was with her or not, isn't something worth rehashing and getting all angry about again. If you've got a pretty good co-parenting situation right now, you don't want to mess that up. You be the bigger person and hold your head high and don't waste time on being angry at him. AND certainly don't waste any time on her!!! Even if they do end up getting married, you can almost be guaranteed he'll cheat on her as well.

Good luck!!!

I would feel exactly as you feel. However, be classy and don't lose your dignity over someone you already know cheated on you. The last thing you want is to be known as the crazy ex-wife.

Go. Not that you don't deserve to be angry. You have every right. But if you want to show your daughter and the whole family who is the CLASSY parent, then go, be polite, act like butter would not melt in your mouth.dress to the nines and walk with your head held high.

I haven't read anyone else's answers. I answer then read, it let's me know how off beat, or on target my thinking is.

The problem is that you don't know that he cheated with her. You are assuming and let's face it most of the time the person who assumes well, I'm sure you know the saying.

You also say that he met this woman in Puerto Rico, you don't know that she knew he was married. Believe it or not, most woman don't but by the time they learn about it their hearts are already invested.

It's time to move on, let the hurt and anger go. It's not doing you, your DD or anyone else in your life any good. The only person who matters in this at all is your DD.

Go to that party, hold your head high, wish the ex FIL a happy birthday. Meet the new woman, leave and go about your life. You do it because it set's the right example for your DD. You do it for yourself, show yourself just how strong of a person you are, then look in the mirror and be glad that the person looking back at you doesn't need to hold on to the bitterness. That the person before you can rise to the occasion and hold her head high.

I've been there, we saved out marriage and I have raised two of the children that were born of that affair (I'd not change any of it, if it meant they wouldn't be in my life). I know that's not for everyone, but I want you to know that you can move past it if you put your mind to it.

You will always have a right to feel whatever emotion you feel. Feel it, embrace it, and then work to let it go. Remember that SHE will end up being cheated on too. Even if he becomes the model BF or model husband for her, she will ALWAYS know that he cheated on you, and will have in the back of her mind that he would do it to her as well.

That's actually something you can smile inside yourself about.

Since you and his family never got along and the only real reason he wants you to come is to goad you with the knowledge of who this woman is, I don't blame you for not showing up. You don't have to, and I wouldn't either.

I went through this. First, don't feel obligated to him OR his family any longer. My ex's family never bothered with me or the kids so when we divorced it was, yippee! Don't need to see them again, and I didn't. Also, for parenting time, if it's his turn to have her, then HE comes and gets her from you. You don't have to drive her to him. Then when his time is up and your time starts, YOU go and get her. That is fair and then you don't have to see anyone you don't want to...including his new girlfriend. And don't worry about that. Just be glad that HE isn't your problem anymore and as long as she is kind to your kid, none of the rest matters. Really, life is WAY too short to spend it unhappy so don't waste one second being upset about your EX of all things! Good luck!

I think you should go in with your head held high. It wasn't you who was the low down dirty cheater. It was him. And they all know that. Even the new/old girlfriend. You don't actually know if he was seeing this woman throughout your marriage. Maybe he wasn't. Or, if he was, she was one of many women. What does that say about her if she was okay with that AND having an affair with a married man? You're the only decent one in this scenario. I'm not sure that anything you've heard should change the way you feel. And the fact that he asked to make sure it was okay with you to introduce her to your daughter shows that you, in fact, do have a good co-parenting relationship.

Just be happy he's no longer your problem.
Who ever he ends up with (no matter when they first met) will deserve every headache he gives her.
If he cheated with her, he'll soon cheat on her.
He's not capable of being monogamous.
I might even feel a little sorry for her - but that would be over in about a second as soon as I fell over laughing.
Oh - and stop thinking of it as 'our home'.
That ended a year ago.
It's now just a place you use to live and it's hard - but it should mean nothing to you now.

Anger is a normal reaction to this situation. The problem with indulging your anger is that anger mostly hurts you, and will not affect him at all. Therefore, by being angry you are allowing that jerk to continue to hurt you further, and continually.

Remember that you are well rid of this cheating idiot. He did you a favor. Let it go, live a wonderful life, and let him wallow in whatever bed he ends up making for himself. It probably won't be that great.

Oh, I'm so sorry. What this actually sounds like is that he finally hit that trigger for you that allowed you to feel or release pent up anger. You've been putting on such a brave face for friends, family, the children, but especially for him that even YOU believed you've been happy to move on and be happy for him. You haven't allowed yourself to mourn the loss of the marriage, maybe? And you haven't really allowed yourself to be angry until now when it sort of crept up on you and he gave you some details that you weren't expecting.

And you just realized all over again what a pig he is. While being so seemingly charming and respectful by asking about introducing a "new woman" to the family and your daughter, he was still trying to get you back into his bed.

So. You have every right to feel how you feel at any point. What I think is really going on, though, is that you're finally releasing all of this pent up anger about how piggish he is and how disrespectful he is to you, his family, his daughter, and the feeling of him desecrating what used to be your familial home with him just got to be too much to handle. I'd be angry too.

I would let go anger toward the other women, including this weekend's woman. The issue is really your former husband. The other women may have known or not about you and your marriage, but it was your husband that chose to have numerous affairs and bring them into the marriage. If it weren't them that chose to go along with it, like this woman, it would have been others. He is solely responsible and no one coerced him. No one is coercing him now.

Of course you have the right to be angry. He cheated and lied to you for years. But for the sake of your daughter be pleasent and polite.

Then go home and really think about the situation. If you are still feeling anger at him you still have feelings for him. If you didn't care he couldn't push your buttons any more. Apathy is the opposite of love not hate or anger. I recommend counseling for you so you have someone to talk this all out with. Then start to let it go. Don't waste any more time on this man. Move on heal the wounds and find a man who will respect and love you the way you deserve to be loved and respected.

What CheerfulM said - hit some pillows until they explode, then be super gracious Mom of great Daughter. Make your appearance, say happy birthday, be polite and move on.

He's an idiot. You got rid of him. Keep co-parenting as you have been and just say "THANK GOD" every time you see him, with a secret smile in your heart knowing that you got out. Concentrate on a smooth relationship for your daughter's sake.

ADD: You need to pull back on the anger re. this woman though - I thought he met her while you were together. If they were not connected while you were married, then please let it go. You "feel like" or "believe" she was one, but you DON'T KNOW, so don't let it consume your energy or time, or screw up your co-parenting relationship.

I wouldn't be angry. She met him BEFORE YOU met him! You also don't even know for sure if this is one of the many (it sounds like) women he cheated on you with? You are just assuming that, right?

Definitely don't be mad at her, she knew him before you guys were even together, right?

I would try my best not to be mad at either of them. You are divorced now, it shouldn't matter to you one way or another what the dynamics of their relationship is. Let it go and move on.

You state that up until this point you guys had a good co-parenting relationship...I see no reason things should change? He is trying to include you in his life, which is GREAT for your daughter!!

I say go to the party, slap a smile on your face and wish the happy couple good luck! She might just be your child's new step mother and you want to have THE BEST relationship possible with this woman, I promise!

Go, try to have fun and let this woman have his cheating a$$!

He's not your problem now. Chances are, he'll just string her along and cheat on her too. She knows he's a cheater and goes for it anyway. Pretty pathetic, if you ask me. You can feel whatever you want, just don't bring the kiddo into it. Try to remain in your co-parenting relationship. That doesn't mean you can't despise his guts, but keep your daughter in the front of your mind. The priority, is for her to see mom and dad making this work as peacefully as possible. don't go in if you don't want. I wouldn't.

That isn't your home, anymore. That ended when your marriage did. And my goodness, good riddance. Live your life as best as you can, that is the sweetest revenge. Your ex's actions will come back to haunt him some day. Don't be the bitter ex, it's sooo not worth it. You're better then that!

There's a time to be 'the enlightened ex-spouse". This is not it.
I'd be livid too. I think something like "You really are something else, aren't you?" would have come out of my mouth.

If I was the girlfriend, I would not be excited to see the ex (you), even if I didn't have this particular back story. She might be worried and uncomfortable too.

I should add-- do walk your daughter in and say a brief hello...and then "keep it moving" as you say. The ONLY reason I suggest this is for your daughter's sake. This might just be standing in the doorway and saying your hellos from there. Make sure you give her a good hug and kiss as you leave so she feels that everything is all right and that you aren't upset with her. As much as it's a hard situation for you, it must be a whole new world for your girl. One thing that helps me in weird/awkward situations is to have a pat reason to leave if I'm invited in, so I usually schedule something I need to/want to go to. If someone invites you in, you smile and say "oh, thanks, but I'm off to meet a friend/an appointment, etc.... have a nice time" and leave.

I'd be furious, really, but I think everyone else is right: your girl needs this from you. Your being gracious will pay off years down the line.

Disgusting. Have him pick your dau up, but don't let him know it annoys u. He is no longer your problem, pity her!

You might want to seek counseling. I say that in the most caring way not being snarky. He cheated and your divorced. You won't be able to control what he does. It is his home. You don't live there anymore so no you should not be mad that he is having a party regardless of who is invited. If you had kept the house would you not have a new man in it when you were ready? If he is seeing someone he cheated with then she knows what he is like and will probably herself be cheated on. But bottom line you should not waste anymore of your energy on being mad. it takes a lot of your energy to stay that angry. Drop your daughter off. say happy birthday and move along. you don't need to meet the new woman and or stay and visit. It is still too soon for you. Just drop your daughter off and go. Or tell him to come and get your daughter that you have other plans.