I'll try to keep this short. My ex dumped me and my son when he was one, for another woman (whom he shortly broke up with). I moved back across the country. My son's whole life, since he was 5, I've had to send him on a plane once or twice a year to visit with his father, which was really hard on me but I did it.
My ex, being the absentee parent, got the best of my son, while I did all the work. My son was always wonderful for him and did everything my ex wanted him to, while my son's real family (my husband and two siblings) got the brunt of my son's sort of passive-aggressive stubbornness. I understand it's a completely classic scenario that the kid is on their best behavior for the absentee parent, but it's still hard to take.
Now my son is 22. He's engaged, to a great girl. They are a little young for that IMO, but that's another story. I barely saw my son over Thanksgiving, and found out he is going to visit my ex for a week in December. When my son's in town, he doesn't come by much. And I promise you I wasn't a bad mom and we're a fun family. (I made my mistakes with my first child, which I've shared on Mamapedia to try and get other moms not to make them, but overall my son had it pretty good.)
I'm not good at one-way relationships. If someone doesn't seem interested, I just let them go and go on with my life. I need to do that to stay happy, it's not a revenge thing. Right now I feel like my relationship with my son is one-way, and as usual, my ex gets all the good stuff while I get the dregs.
I raised my kids to be independent, and I remember being that age, and my family was not very interesting. However I raised my kids with stability, unlike my mother. I know my son will mature and grow out of it, and "come home" in time, especially after he has kids, but how do I put up with the hurt in the meantime? When people hurt other people long enough, sometimes the scars don't heal easily. I don't know how to keep putting out while getting the minimum back, and then know that he's spending a week at my ex's, who doesn't deserve it.
Thanks for any input.
my heart goes out to you. All too often....mamas pay the price over & over again. Stay strong.....& he'll be back.
You raised your son and he's successfully flown your nest and is building a nest of his own.
Ya Done Good!
Be Proud!
Don't feel it's a one way relationship.
He's just being a young 20-something and that's no bad reflection on you.
Send birthday and Christmas cards - keep the lines open - but don't push.
He'll come to you eventually and he'll be a mature man/husband/father when he does.
My son is 20 and a full time college student. We had basically the same situation (although not from across the country). Dad could do no wrong but when our son was mad at him it was taken out on me and my hubby which made the three of us miserable at times while Dad was unphased! Based on some things my son has recently shared, he's seeing the "neglectful" side of dear old Dad now. It has hurt him but I think he has a new appreciation for mom, stepdad, and home...and keeping promises. It's not always easy and a mother's job is NEVER done but he will come around.
you have a lot of helpful supportive answers. I have been where you are. I just want to add another pice of the puzzle. Try not to take it as an insult that he is spending a week with dad. It's not a contest mom. You are the only mom he will ever have. Your place is secure. Try to look at it as a good thing that he is trying to build a real relationship with his dad. As he enters this next stage of his life, becoming a husband and eventually father, he is going to need both of you. Maybe it's because he is so secure in his relationship with you that he knows he wants to work on having a better relationship with his dad. My suggestion is to encourage that relationship while working on your own relationship with your son and soon to be daughter-in-law.
You want to have access to the grandkids. It's going to be directly up to the dil how much access you have and if she's worth her salt, she will base that decision on your relationship with your son. I'd start showing him and her as much love and support and general friendship as possible. Text them a hello now and then. Send them random greeting cards in the mail. Offer to help with the wedding. Whatever you can do to create a closer relationship. I know it's hard to keep putting yourself out there, but he is too young to really have a perspective on this yet. Once he has kids, he will understand how deeply you love him.
I would talk to him. At 22 he's old enough to have a mom to son talk about his behavior. Call him on it. My SS is 21 and I hear you on feeling like we got the work while his mom gets the fun. It's easy to be fun EOWE and summers when there's no homework to do. Talk to him about what reciprocation you would like from him and go from there. He may not even be thinking clearly (National Geographic did an article on young brains and reward features more than consequence in decisions til about 25).
Maybe also bring up to him that since he's engaged, you would like to know your future DIL better and he has to learn to juggle all parts of his family, not just the one that plys him with the neatest stuff.
That said, if he's going across country, that may also account for the duration.
Hang in there. I got "Well, I might stay....but depends on what's for dinner" this week. So you can't stay if we don't bribe you? Go back to campus then and eat the cafeteria food. :P
I fully appreciate that he's a young man and has his own life, but if you want people to support you, you need to reciprocate a little, too. It's called being an adult.
I'm sorry, Rosebud. I can imagine that it's hard. I sent my older son off to college, and seeing him at Thanksgiving around the extended family was great, but he certainly wasn't hanging around mom - he was hanging with his cousins. And talking philosophy and research ideas for his next psych paper with his dad (my husband) LOL!
I do think that kids have a tendency to take parents for granted. I also think that family has a tendency to take kids for granted. That's what my husband found with his own family, and one of the reasons why he decided that relocating for his job wasn't such a bad idea. They did seem to appreciate him more when he didn't live 10 minutes away.
I probably took my mom for granted when I was newly married out of college. She was always patient, I have to say. I told her about my jobs, my friends, etc, and she always listened and never tried to shove advice down my throat. I did get that from some other family members LOL! But when the time came that I got pregnant, I saw my mom in a different light. That's when I started to appreciate her in a totally different way. And we got very close again. She helped me with my kids when they were little and I worked. She never told me what to do with them - she followed my instructions and only advised me when I asked. She would even write down their schedule like daycare did.
I am wondering if perhaps this is what you will find once your son starts having kids. He won't go to his dad for that. He will instinctively come to you. If you make his wife very happy in how you handle their child, and if she is comfortable with you as her MIL, it will make a big difference. Of course, if her own mom lives next door and drops everything for them, that's another matter.
I guess the point is to try to be patient. You can tell him that you miss him and would like to see him and his fiance more often, like perhaps dinner once every 2 weeks. Then just be their "cheerleader" when they talk about their lives. Right now, they probably think they have life figured out and don't need advice. But they might like to hear that you think they are doing some stuff well!
I'm sure I'll be in your shoes in a few years when my son doesn't "need" us anymore.
Dawn
Have you told him how hurt you are that he seems to spend so little time with your side of his family? Maybe you can ask if he will visit for a specific weekend, and ask him to plan the weekend with you. Let him know you love him and miss him. Assure him you don't expect him to devote all of his time to you every time he visits, as long as he does prioritize some of his time for his family. Don't make this about absentee father vs devoted mother because he will shut down and not listen to your true concern. Also, shift your perspective. Your son's visit to his dad isn't about what your *ex* does or does not deserve. It is about your son needing to connect with *his father*. Maybe you can start this shift by changing your terminology. The man who fathered your son is not your *ex* but your *son's father*. At 22, your son is still trying to figure out who he is and who he wants to become. Part of that is defining his relationships with his parents. Since you have always been there for him and have been the parent to actually parent him, he needs to separate a little bit and redefine the boundaries from child/parent to adult child/parent. Since his father has not been a regular part of his life, it is natural for him to want to reach out and establish a stronger relationship (again, it does not matter weather or not dad deserves it, because this is about your son). Your son knows that even though he doesn't spend an entire week with you (or even an entire weekend!), that you will still love him and be there for him when he's past this phase of his life. Sadly, most people usually take loved ones for granted. However, your son doesn't feel so confident of his dad's affection. The way you feel about your son is probably how he feels about his father. Give him time to work this out, and don't look for offense where none is intended. You will still be hurt, but you don't have to pick at the wound and make it fester.
Wow, Rosebud, thanks for opening your heart to us. I am sure this is a deep hurt for you.
I can't say anything to make you feel better in the here and now. What I can tell you, from my own experience, is that kids often come around as they get older. Hopefully, as your son takes on the new responsibility of having a relationship, possibly marrying and having children, he will come to appreciate your stability and have a deeper understanding into those tough times between parent and child. He's still barely an adult, if you look at brain development and the capacity to understand the bigger picture. He's going to where he traditionally feels the 'fun' is.
I wonder how he will feel when he has his first child and looks into that child's face. He will perhaps wonder how on earth his father could ever have left him. How his father could have been so selfish. That may be a very difficult thing for him to come to terms with, but all of these revelations happen in their own time. At least, they did for me. Your son will have to grow on his own journey into being a man, and part of that is realizing the truth of some things.
I am so sorry this hurts so much for you right now. I'd keep sending cards on occasions you usually might, call when you usually might, and keep the door open for him to try having a more active relationship again sometime.
Rose:
I'm sorry. I really am. My daughter is 25. Her dad and I divorced when she was 9. he was moving back to the States from Germany and she decided to move with him - that was fine. We got to see her when it was "right" for my ex (it's a LONG story about custody).
She is now an adult. As is your son. You talk to him like an adult and treat him like an adult. Tell him how you feel. Put it out on the table. He could be caught up in the excitement of the engagement and maybe, just maybe, when he's with his bio-dad? he STILL gets to the center of attention and "be a kid" - get spoiled, etc. and when he's with you - it's "normal"...does that make sense?
Please don't let this hurt carry on. You are sooo very right. If it's not treated properly, it won't heal properly. You tell him how you feel. Don't whine about it. Tell him your hurt - almost like you told us:
When you are here - you aren't here. This hurts me.
I am hurt that you would spend a week with your bio-dad (or what ever you call him) for Christmas and I didn't hear it from you - that hurts worst.
I understand you are an adult. But I still matter. My feelings still matter.
You can do it! Don't be afraid to put it out there. Yeah - it will be unpleasant - but as long as it comes from a place of love - then he will understand that. Don't use guilt and jealousy...don't whine (I know you aren't but at 22 when THEY hear it? It can sound like whining!!)
Let me know if I can help you in any way!!
