The Early Shift - What's Fair?

no you are not being selfish at all,being a sahm is a 24/7 job.
my husband thinks that since im a sahm the kids are only for me to take care of and the house and everything else.all he has to do is work and thats it.i ish i had more help also.it is excausting,i have a 2year old and a 4 month old that do not have the same naptime yet,so i dont have any rest time either and i also have a 9 year old who is into alot of sports and is always on the go.
i hope you the best, but you are definatly not selfish for wanting some extra rest.good luck

Yes, I think Dad could help a little more in the morning. When our children were newborns, I was the one who got up with them at night because I was nursing, but as soon as that wasn't the issue, my husband pitched in more. Our situation is a little different, because my husband has to be at work much earlier than yours does, but the idea is the same. In fact, I am really a morning person, and I get up and go out to run before the kids get up, and if they wake up before I get home, my husband handles everything. Just remember that if he helps you more in the morning, you need to maybe offer more help in the evenings, or at least thank him profusely-- men eat that up (and mommies do, to, to be fair)!. Good luck-- it sounds like you have a good guy!

Tell your DH that you will gladly get up early and take advantage of naps with your son if he will gladly do all the chores you would've done during naptimes. That's should clear things up a bit.

There is absoluetly nothing wrong with him getting up at 7am twice a week to feed the baby breakfast etc while you sleep til 8. But good luck trying to convince him of that!

I used nap time to get some sleep and just let other things go. That's not to say that my husband wasn't annoyed that I was letting other things go. But he did learned to pitch in more. I now have a 3 year old and an 18 month old and have even less time for myself. It's an ongoing battle between hubby and myself over who's job is harder. But I can tell you... I have worked the cushy corporate job and I have been a stay at home mom. Trust me, being a sahm is much-MUCH harder and you get alot less praise and regognition.

You can't do everything (and still be happy). You and you husband need to decide how to split the workload. X does dinner Y does bath, X keeps the bathroom clean Y helps with laundry. Good Luck!

It's kind of like you both have jobs that start at different times. He gets to commute while you stay at home and he probably takes a lunch and gets to interact with adults but still needs some down time to unwind from work but may not get it. You have to consider your son's nap, your "lunch"/down time. If you need to rest for an hour, take it or I would suggest going to bed an hour earlier since your "job" starts at a different time than your husband's.

Another idea is to adjust your son's bed time and try and get him to sleep until 7:30 and have everyone get up and spend some family time together and have breakfast. You can also ask your husband to pitch in with the house work. Your son is old enough to "help" with some things also. It takes longer with a helper but it teaches them a lot. My husband and I take turns cooking dinner and if I cook or we have left overs, he cleans up. We both also pick up a little once our daughter goes to bed so that toys are put away or the floor gets swept then or we fold a load of clothes while we watch tv.

I think if you get to sleep in on the weekends, that is great. I get this luxury when I am not working or at rehearsal. I also ask my husband to watch my daughter a couple nights a week when I am doing things for me or he takes her outside to play while I finish getting dinner together or if I need a break to get some work done.(especially if she didn't nap)

Another suggestion would be at 2, he is old enough for a mother's morning out program. "School" really helps them socialize and learn and he will love it and you will love have a few hours to yourself a couple days a week.

There is nothing wrong with asking your husband to get up early sometimes. It is my opinion however, that you both have separate jobs with different start times and you will have to plan your sleep and down times accordingly. Try and create a routine that includes help from your husband and think of things you can ask him to do that can give you a little more time if you need it. For instance it is perfectly ok for you to share the responsibility of the dishes and laundry. It is also perfectly ok to let the house work go a little to take a rest.

Hey, Regina.

I haven't read any of your other responses on this, and I have to say, I'm sorry for you. I understand your dilemma and wish that your husband could see what you do all day. It might make him appreciate you more and be more willing to take a couple of early shifts during the week.
My only advice to you is that if you were to harp on him about taking an early shift or two more, he may end up doing it, but I think it would be with some resentment. If you've already stated your case to him and he still won't help out, that sucks. I would leave him about it, though, because I doubt you want what you want with him resentful of you because you nagged him into it.
I wish I'd realized that earlier. Please don't think I'm accusing you of nagging him. Obviously, I couldn't know that, but just in case, I thought I'd pass on one of the nuggets I picked up along the way. Asking God for some relief may be your best help. I wish you luck in your endeavor to get some rest.

I am also a sahm and have struggled with the same feelings at times. What I have learned is that you can't change your husband, or manipulate him into doing what you want him to do. He is providing for your family. I think our husbands don't often feel that we appreciate what they do for us, and when we do that, they will appreciate us much more. The fact that it is a desk job doesn't mean that he isn't tired. He has the burden of supporting the family, and that is mental as well as physical. His time is not his own, where you have the flexibility and freedom of being at home and being able to change your environment to meet your needs. We can't expect someone else to take care of us, we need to take care of ourselves. That means figuring out a way to get enough rest whether that is going to bed earlier, taking naps, or trying to get your son to sleep in. Or making getting up in the mornings much less stressful so you can wake up slowly. Some things I have done when I am really tired/sick/etc. are get a drink (in a cooler if you need to) and simple breakfast (like cheerios in a baggie or bowl) ready and keep it in my room, along with a basket of toys and books. That way you can have a little time to wake up. Or maybe you can set some toys and books in a corner of his crib after he goes to sleep for him to play with when he first wakes up for awhile. Now you are taking care of yourself, and if hubby suggests letting you sleep in, then be grateful and appreciative!! You will be much less resentful not keeping track of who does what and instead doing your part without worrying about what he is doing. Flylady talks about this some at www.flylady.net. And you (and your marriage) will be much happier. Just my opinion.

I would have to agree with Tiffany W. I think we underestimate how much our husbands really do. They may not have much physically.. but mentally there is a lot riding on them for those with SAHMs. And thats compounded if they aren't happy in their jobs too. I contstantly struggle to remind myself of everything Tiffany talked about. Especially having 3 kids and a husband who travels quite a bit. It seems very lop-sided on the household end of things. And he does try to let me sleep in on Sat, but it always backfires and he's a grump after having the kids by himself. Lets just say it's not his thing, as much as he tries! :) Just think, that in a few years... or 20 you will be able to sleep in all you want when the kids are grown and your hubby will still be going to work. And as your kids get older there will be less cleaining work around the house as the kids can start helping more, and yours too will become more mentally and emotionally stressful. It will balance out a little more I truely do think. Besides, it's that much more "bonding" time you get that he misses out on. Silver lining?

When my son and daughter were small, my husband and I alternated weekdays and weekend days. Husbands don't realize how hard we have to work at home. They think that most of the time we are sitting around watching the kids and t.v. I was lucky because my husband didn't put up a fight about alternating the days with me.
P.

Start napping and when he notices that things are getting done just say you were busy napping. Or nap and when he gets home make him babysit while you run errands.

regina,
i'm with you! if your husband had to get up super early, (mine is up at 5am...), i could understand him not wanting to get up during the week,...but the problem is that men just don't see things the way we do....i'd say sleeping til 8 is a luxury...and if you really feel strongly, then you should have a talk with him, and let him know that although you know it is your job to take care of the baby while he's at work, and take care of all of your other duties, that you are worn out, and it would really be a help to you if he would get up at least two mornings a week for you, so that you could be a "better mom" to your baby during the day...it's only an hour, but that extra hour could mean the world to you some days...and remind him that if you nap while the baby does, the laundry and cleaning, etc...will suffer...and he won't come home to the same house he's used to...the first year is the hardest on a marriage...first year with a baby that is...and it takes awhile to figure out what will work for your family...my oldest is 12 and sometimes i still think my husband doesn't get it...getting up at seven shouldn't be such a big deal if he only does it a couple of days a week....one hour to save your sanity should be worth it to him...good luck!

I agree with some of the other posters - nap when your son naps and then when housework becomes an issue, draw your battle lines there. My significant other and I both love our sleep too, and boy is that a never-ending battle. I've found that he's much more receptive to helping with housework/cooking than giving up sleep. Want a man to cook? Buy a grill and keep the propane tank filled or charcoal in the house.

I also agree that your son is old enough to "help" - mine loves to vacuum, sweep, and dust, put laundry from washer to dryer, etc. It does take longer, but at least you're tending to him and getting things done at the same time.

You have my sympathies - I've had to take leave of absences to stay home with my son through some serious illnesses and I COULD NOT WAIT to go back to work. It is the hardest job in the world. I also feel for your husband, as I have a cushy desk job too. It's harder than you give him credit for. Being locked in one place all day is not fun. He may not be physically tired, but he's definitely mentally drained and needs his rest too.

Hi Regina,

I totally understand your question and I agree with you. I don't think there is anything wrong with your husband taking the early shift during the week. As you know, being a SAHM is like working two full time jobs and you need as many breaks as you can get.

Not to diminish what your husband does, but you probably do far more work than he does in one day than he does during an entire week. Also, it sounds like he gets more of a break than you do because he has such a cushy job and he gets to leave the house daily. I'm preaching to the choir; I know :0)

Nap time isn't the "be all end all". Maybe you want to collapse, zone out or watch TV. People can make the wrong assumptions when you're a SAHM. Your time is not your own and it's really really tough job; I commend you.

So, if you can (hopefully you can after all of the responses you've received)sleep in for an extra hour two days a week.

Many Blessings and let the community know how it works out.

How about swaping every other weekend? I know when my son was small, I couldn't nap, as that was the only time I could do housework. Or get husband to swap and do housework also?

Hi Regina: I agree with Jill on this. You are very blessed that you have a husband that allows you to stay home and supports you and your son. I have always had a great deal of appreciation that I've never had to work and wanted to hold up my end by caring for our daughter while he cared for us financially. I also agree with some of the others who stated that just because your husband works in an office, doesn't mean that he doesn't have stress and is not mentally tired. I know when I worked in an office, when I came home I was totally spent. So count your blessings, Regina and be grateful that you have a good husband who cares for you. You want to make your home a serene and welcoming place for your husband to come home to. Best of luck and God bless.

Hi,
I love my sleep too! I do work full time from home (unless I have a meeting). I am so very grateful for this when my two are in school I work. My house stays a wreck(not kidding). My husband is a doll also works full time and a side business(both jobs are good but physical at times). I have always been the one to get up early or in the middle of the night when the kids were small and still. My husband said he was just not wired for it. Trust me I do believe that. I do better with the up early/ and if they need something. My husband is great with outside things that I have never had to do. Like yard work. I am grateful he does these things. He is a fabulous cook! I would let the chores go and go to sleep. Then when your little one is up you are rested and can do chores together. Just a suggestion.
I think I read this in Dear Abby once. "In your obit they will never talk about your clean house, just the kind wonderful person you were". When I am very overwhelmed with all of this, I try and think of that. Get your sleep when you can you are better equiped to be a great Mom when you are rested.

No there is nothing wrong with it, but he will not do it until you do something about it. Rationalize it to him. I personally had the same problem for about two years and wore my self down to almost nothing trying to do everything. The only difference was we both worked outside of the home and we both worked at least 12 hours a day. Put your little man in school, he is two now and will really benefit from the social interaction and the skills they will teach him for pre-k.
I know it will be hard but it will help him and you in the end. Now since I have left my job and opened my own business at home it is awesome. My son is 4 now but it is still really good. I get up, get the boys ready for school, he takes them to school on the way to work, and I go back to sleep for like two hours get up and start work.
Convincing your husband to put him in school is going to be way easier than convincing him to let you sleep in. If he's anything like my husband.
By the way my husband would always swear it is easier to be at home with the kids and we would take naps and have a good ol time. Well I gave him a taste of what its like, I have an in-home daycare. I had him take a weekday off and spend it with me on spring break. The man has not said one word to me about anything not being done or how much sleep i get since. I literally thought he was going to stroke out with 6 kids running around, diapers, feedings, naps, activities, etc.

I hope I helped a little with your dilemma, I know being an at home mom is the same a being a day laborer. The only difference is we don't get paid.

i feel the same way cuz i am also a SAHM and husband works m-f but even on the weekends i dont get to sleep in i still get up wit our kids.. he says since he works he gets to sleep.. so i give up arguing with him about it :(

No, you are not being selfish. I would ask him again for a little more help. Try to be nice about it and just explain that you are exhausted and could use that extra hour.

Hi Regina,
Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on how you look at it!) we cannot change our husbands. We can only change our own behavior and our own responses to the behavior of others.
I think you should start napping when your child naps. You need the rest, and the housework will still be there, whether you do it or not. If your husband questions why some things didn't get done, tell him you needed a nap. After all, you're the one who has to get up early with your son every day. ;-) You will be a happier person, and your family will be happier when you are happier.
Best wishes.

Why not work with your child's bedtime to get him to sleep later in the mornings? Even 30 minutes later and you could possibly both get up and have some quality time with your son and breakfast together. If your child is 2 you should be able to do most of your housework while he is awake. He can "help you" with the laundry, dusting, vaccumming, etc. If you will incorporate getting your housework done with his help, you can have time to either nap or rest or do whatever when he takes his nap. Your getting to sleep in on Saturday is something most moms would just dream about. V.

You know, that's all got to be decided between the two of you. My personal opinion is that he could take a day or two and let you sleep as long as it doesn't affect his work or his getting ready. But, if he's resistant... I don't know. Pick your battles. You ARE counting on his doing well at work and bringing home a paycheck. You both benefit from his being his best at work.

If it were me, I might start taking him up on his idea to nap while the baby naps. Later when he complains that his laundry isn't done, just say, "Oh, right. Well, I was so tired today, I decided to nap when the baby napped. You'll have to do the laundry." (heh, heh.)

I know there are alot of people who will not agree with me, but this is my opinion:
It could be worse, what if you had to work a job as well as get up early for your child. Your husband is working and you get to stay home, I know it is hard work, but it could be worse. I too am a SAHM, and get up an hour earlier than my husband on weekdays, but I am just glad I do not have to work anymore, I did have a full time job, as well as all the child duty and house work. I do not mind at all getting up early to get my son prepared for his day, because I remember how hard it was for me before my husband suggested I quit my job.
The way I see it for me is, my husband let me become a SAHM, and in return I do the early duties during the week- he lets me sleep in on the weekends, and I am thankful for that. He alone pays all the bills in the house, pays for my car, my groceries, the clothes, etc, and I dont have to work a "real job". Housework and being a mother is a full time job- your hours just start an hour earlier than his, and as a bonus, you get to nap and he doesnt!
Hang in there, it will all be OK. I always think of how when my son goes to college, I will get to sleep in everyday- and my husband will still have to go to work.

so why not start napping, i mean the things you are getting done, are they life or death? if not, dont do them, nap, if the house becomes messier than you can discuss it again, ending up that he takes more early shifts, pitches in more with housework, or whatever other solution you end up with.

Though personally I would also consider how you are talking about your husband, he may not be as receptive b/c it doesnt sound like you really think he works that hard. I know i'd be kind of hurt if someone thought my job was easier or cushy.

just remember, it won't be like this for long, the less sleep is temporary

awww!! he sounds adorable! lol...also sounds like hubby like his sleep a lil toooo much too! ;) jk. i think it's simple...since we had this issue too. 1st-you gotta learn how to teach the kid how to sleep in too! give him a sippy (if he still has one) & some kind of no-crumbs food (dry cereal is AWESOME for this!!)and put him in the bed or on the couch with you and watch tv!!! you get a few mins of sleep, he gets to eat brkf & laydown with mommy!!! (if you don't teach him how to sit still NOW...it will be SOOOO much harder in the VERY NEAR future!) i know from experience! it sucks to not have them be able to sit down. do you do flash cards and stuff with him as well? that helps with "sit down" time. (also-circle time, should have a "mommy/play date" w/ friends or another mom group at least once a week...they play, you relax & talk to adults!!)
2nd-no it's not selfish. it's extremely tiring when you're an all day mom. i'm going back to work this wed! yay!!! all bc of the reason you want sleep. it's exhausting. it'sgoing to break my heart not to be with the girls all day, but gah...can't do it anymore bc the stress IS *WAY* more than a job. WAY MORE!!!
GOOD LUCK in your adventures & I hope everything works out for the best!!

~Nicole P