The Inlaws That NEVER Go Away....

Wow... just wow...

That's such a touchy subject but you do marry the family too when it comes to Mexican (or Asian) families. I'm not saying my parents are THAT close but we do believe family is best to watch kids. The fact that they are creepily close to the kids is just cultural though. I honestly can't really relate (my parents love seeing the kids but at the end of the day they are very happy to have some quiet time).

My husband is white and I'm Asian. That said, I can relate to your husband and you to mine. Because of that, I will say that he needs to learn to understand YOUR culture just as much as you to his and it seems like his culture has won over and over again. Thing is, I didn't figure it out until the marriage was so bad that we broke up. At that point, we listened to each other for the first time and tried to understand the other person's perspective. When we were married, we just weren't willing to understand each other because we were always angry for one reason or another.

So my advice is to make him understand that what is normal to him can't define your whole marriage because then he's not willing to include what is normal to YOU. There has to be a compromise and to start, that compromise should be that his mother and father never talk in Spanish around you. My parents when addressing me when my husband was around was always in English. It's a sign of respect. He never demanded we do that, we just do because it's wrong to converse in another language and keep the other half of you out of the conversation.

First - I'm so glad to read that you have your own home!!

Now - OWN your home. They believe it is theirs too. This may be a huge cultural problem. The key question is: Does your husband agree with you that they are over at your home far too much? You need him on the same page with you on this, or his parents will still be around all the time. HE, not you, must talk to them and set boundaries: "Mom and dad, we are grateful for your letting us live with you. But in our new home we need time and space to be a family of just us. Please don't drop by unless you call first. We might be out, or we might be at home but busy with the kids." Then STICK to that; if they ring the doorbell unannounced, HE (not you) should tell them that it's not a good time. They will fuss! They will cry and plead and emotionally blackmail their son and probably say negative things about how you are "taking away" their son and grandchildren. You and your husband have to stick together and not be blackmailed like that.

Be sure that you DO see them on your own terms: Invite them over for dinner once a week, or invite them to accompany your family to a local fair or event for kids. They do want to be in your kids' lives -- and you don't want to give them any reason to say "you never see us any more." But you have to be the ones in control of when you see them.

The key here is your husband. He is their child, not you. He is the one who will be more susceptible to it when they get upset and threaten never to see your whole family ever again "because you don't love us." He is the one who will be accused of ingratitude: "We let you live with us but we're not welcome in your home!" Can he withstand all that? Can he smile at them and say, "Of course we're grateful and we love you. But we are heading out the door right now." He -- not you! -- is the key here, and if he caves to mom -- you and he have some marriage work to do because his priorities are an issue.

By the way, a great way to get rid of unwanted guests is to be very busy outside the house, often. Get your kids into kids' classes, go the park a lot, go on outings. It's good for your family and is a perfectly real reason to say, "Sorry, we have to be at X by 2:00, we'll see you later" as you hold open the front door and smile.

Do a mediation with your husband with a relationship counselor, church person, anyone, he will listen to.

You need to:

1. Cut off the routine babysitting from the inlaws. It can be one day a week but not full time. Rework the babysitting for your family, pronto.
2. Hubby and you have a NICE talk with the parents about boundaries. Get a mediator for this as well if you want.
2. You work on learning Spanish! You married a Hispanic man. Your children should be bilingual. I think you are also being a bit of a cranky girl and not making the most effort.

Be happy they love your kids so much, and embrace it. That is a VERY VERY good thing!!!

Open your heart to his family. Let them do one on one things with the kids.

Try and do something special for them like prepare a favorite meal for them etc. I am sure they are hurt by things you are doing as well.

It is a two way street. She is his mama. She raised him and loved him. I have a son now, and I finally feel more compassion and love for my mother in law. I cannot imagine the day that another woman will take my little man from me. I love him so much...

And this is why I'm soooo glad my Mexican in laws are across the country. When my MIL came for our daughter's birth she completely took over - we're talking rearranging the kitchen, trying to care for my newborn ALL the time. It took a shouting and crying match to make her get it. She was used to her own daughters letting her do everything and didn't understand that I didn't want it that way. I think you're going to have to sit down and lay it all out on the table with your in laws. Your hubby won't do it. Try to be respectful, but make her understand that you need private time and they need to leave at a certain time each night. You are not being selfish at all. Also if she finishes a conversation in Spanish, make her repeat it in English! Keep telling her you don't understand. She's doing it to be rude and there is no excuse for that! I feel your pain-good luck!

I totally agree with Azrieling. Wow. She also has good points. Leigh has good suggestions, but they won't work. At least not yet. I am white and my husband is Mexican. In Mexico, everything is family and the older generation is always right--in most cases that is how they see things. I am lucky. My mother in law sees things differently. Granted she is still down there but when we went there, she saw everything I did as correct. You need to sit down with your husband and somehow get him to understand that you feel you have nothing in this relationship--the whole not just your marriage. Try to present things so they do not appear to attack how his parents are. Instead of your mom won;t, present it in the sense of "I feel like"... You need to have input and it needs to be seen as important.

One thing I will suggest and it may help a great deal with getting along and understanding/relating to your inlaws. Learn Spanish. I learned it by speaking to my inlaws. When I first learned it, I was able to respond to things and even tell my hubby that nope, sorry, you can't because we have to .... he hated that and I thought it was awesome because he was so used to promising things and I was able to cut it quickly. You won't feel as excluded if you can understand as least the basic concept of what they talk about.

Wow. too bad you bought a house so close to them! There is NO way your inlaws should be spending the night. AS for theym helping take care of the kids - that can be awesome but in this situation I'd say it's not. Why don't you start by finding someone to take your kids 3 days a week (MWF?) and use the excuse that your older child is lonely for other kids and wants to play with other kids. It's not a suggestion or a question. It's a done deal. I'd even suggest that when they watch your kids you bring them to their house - so you can pick them up and leave at the end of the day.

As for your husband - he needs counseling if he thinks this is a normal family relationship. This is not 19th century Mexico. But you have to do it with great gentleness as he feels this is an attack against his family which he needs to defend - even if he thinks it's not the best situation. If your husband won't go to a counselor you go alone. Ask them to help guide you out of this situation. As an adult we're supposed to leave our parents and become one with our spouse - ask him doesnt' he want to choose you over his parents? Remind him that you know his parent's intent is good but their good intent is actually not good for your marraige and any parent who wants the best for their child will want them to have a strong marraige. marriage is between a husband, wife & God. They didi not stand at the alter and makes vows - you two did.

So - fill up the spare bedroom with storage or move the furniture to the middle of the room to paint and never move it back. Tell them that all child care is to be at their house - not yours. Set up childcare with another babysitter - tell your husband it will begin on "X" date - then do it.

Normally I always advocate for a husband and wife to only do things when in agreement with eachother but your husband can't see the forest through the trees of the comfort of having his mom make his favorite dishes and his dad doing chores around the hosue for him. Time to grow up.

Good luck mama - this is going to be tough - but it will be well worth it. (You could always write to Dr. Phil....!)

His not a "good man"....he's a "good boy" dedicated to mama and you are SECOND. Do not let your husband's parents take your children out of town (especially if they are not citizens).

You have spoken to your husband about your feelings and needs as a wife and mother. Your words have fallen on deaf ears.

Pack up yourself and your children and leave....go home to your family, friends or a shelter. Do not return until your husband makes it clear to his mama that they:

WILL NOT BE THE PERMANENT CHILD CARE PROVIDER ANYMORE

THEY WILL COME OVER WHEN INVITED

THEY WILL SPEAK ENGLISH WHEN IN YOUR PRESENCE

THEY WILL NOT DICTATE TO YOU ABOUT HOW YOUR ELECT TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN

BOTH SIDES OF GRANDPARENTS WILL HAVE EQUAL VISITS WITH THEIR GRANDCHILDREN

IF HE CAN'T AGREE TO YOUR TERMS, YOU HAVE THREE CHOICES:

1. MOVE AS FAR AWAY FROM THEM AS POSSIBLE

2. ROLL OVER AND BE A DOOR MATT

3. DIVORCE HIM AND HIS MAMA

Sorry to hear how sad you are.
This is a cultural issue. Is he an only child? Your husband was probally raised by his grandma and aunts.
Can you enroll your kids in activities that are out of the house? Start with ones that you will have support in. If church is a big thing for them, try the preschool at church.
Invite some family friends over who have kids. Expand your village.
Good Luck!

Have you and your husband tried counseling? I am wondering if maybe the two of you have different definitions of what is normal in a marriage and a relationship. I totally understand where you are coming from, and would feel the exact same way. But I'm from a stiff-upper-lip Anglo family with those traditions and expectations. I have friends who are Mexican and live in Mexico, and from what I have observed of their lives and marriages, it's fairly common for the in-laws to live with a married couple (or vice versa) - they live in larger and closer family groups than what we are used to, and the grandparents do spend a LOT of time caring for the grandkids.

That being said, even though your husband may be coming from a different place in terms of expectations, your expectations are still valid. You need to feel respected and validated by him and by your in-laws, and that is completely fair. I think he needs to really understand how you feel, and what needs to happen in order for the both of you to have a functional and happy marriage. I think a neutral third party (a counselor) could help with that.

If your Mom-dar is going off, you should address it. My friend's crazy grandma somehow weasled her way into taking her granddaughters into her home to raise and be the mom. Now, I don't know why their parents allowed this, but she's crazy. So now the kids are grown and how does she act about her great-grands? Possessive as usual.

Your older child could be in preschool soon and the younger one can either remain in Grandma's care or go to a daycare. The bottom line is that you and DH need to do what is right for your family and not just what's right for her. She can say whatever she wants, but she doesn't determine who takes care of your kids. If this is causing screaming matches with your DH, let the grands babysit and you and he get some marital counseling.

ETA: Excellent point that another poster made - that you BOTH bring cultural norms to the family and his should not run roughshod over yours. You need to figure out what you together need to do for your household.

This is a very cultural thing....him living at home, even the kids calling her Mami is typical of a motherly caretaker. Very typical for a Mexican family. Have you tried sitting down and having a calm conversation with your husband, making decisions and compromises together. I would not take the kids away from grandparents and put them in day care, I would tell hubby they need to spend the night at their own house. Try telling your MIL how much you appreciate her advice and how badly you want to cook for your husband, etc And Yes make the effort to learn Spanish, I assume they are talking to your kids in Spanish....

If you don't stand up for yourself, who will?

Hi there - It took me all day to form some kind of response in my head and I wanted to read this to MY husband and get his take on it.
Why?
Because I am white and my husband is Mexican. We have been married for 10 years and have 3 kids.
I read your post and have a lot of questions for you.
I am going to respond and be all over the board, so bare with me!
You have married into a very different "culture". The elders, be them in-laws, grandparents, or even great grand parents hold a very revered position in the family.
It is a respected position and if you don't respect it then she will NOT respect you.
You moved into her house. You don't say what you did for them since they were doing a TON for you. You mention that they were letting you live there to get back on your feet financially. For THREE YEARS!?? Why did it take so long? Were you paying them rent? You should have been. Were you paying for all the food you were eating? You should have been. Did you pay them money for the bills that went up because your family of 4 was living there? You should have. Did you give them money for watching your children every day? You should have.
If you didn't then you don't get to complain. Sorry. These people let you stay in their house, rent free. She probably cooked family meals (as is VERY common in Mexican families) which means that you were eating her food. Your husband should have been buying the groceries. Should have been FORCING money on them (because they probably said, oh no...we don't want it! Psh, he should have made them take it). He could have called and had some of the bills paid.
It is very common in the Mexican language to call oneself or daughters/grandmas "mami" which sounds a lot like "mommy." Are you sure she was saying that she was Mommy?
You are chosing to hang out in your room by yourself. You are chosing to not speak up when you don't understand. How hard is it to say "English! That's all I got! Haha!" when she starts to speak in Spanish. It's not. And, really? You were living in her house for 3 years, I know you could have picked up a lot of the language yet you chose not to. It would have really shown some respect if you had at least tried to understand what they were saying.
Your husband needs to have some "cojones" and let his parents know what is acceptable behavior in his house.
He can have regular Friday meals at your house, regular picnics, outings, fiestas...what have you. But he needs to speak up.
BUT, if you are going to have your inlaws watch your children full time while you work and not pay them any money for doing it then it's kind of on you. I understand what you mean when you say that it should "stay in the family" with daycare. My husband actually agrees, as do I.
But, I have no issue whatsoever telling my mother in law that I am comfortable doing things my way.
When I went down to Mexico my MIL was all over me about letting my son crawl on the floor (it was cement dirt), letting my son outside without a hat (it was 85 outside!), and not feeding him solids. But I am strong and confident in myself as a mother and was able to lovingly say, "butt out". :)
You are in a tough position...but you and your husband are at fault. Not the MIL. You don't like it? Have your husband and yourself UNITEDLY talk to his parents and let them know how much you love them, how much you appreciate them, and how often they are allowed to your house.
They probably feel like you are all one big family since you lived with them for 3 years, you had a pregnancy and a baby while living with them, and they watch your children full time.
It is so important for your kids to have a relationship with their "abuelos", but it is also important for you and your husband to have a relationship. If you go about this as a nag and screaming at him then you will lose a husband and your son's will lose their grandparents.
I am dying to know how old you are, you sound very very young.
You need to be the mature one in this situation as does your husband. You are no longer kids, you are parents and husband and wife.
Sit down and hash this out with your husband first and then have him speak with his parents with you by his side.
L.

Sorry C., I gotta agree with Laura U.
If you really want TRUE independence from the family situation you need to move away, physically away.
And you need to be with a man who wants that.
Though I'm not sure that's what your man wants (?)
I don't know you, or your husband, but I DO know how traditional Mexican families operate, and what you're describing sounds pretty typical.
You depended on them for three years with one kid and during that time got pregnant with another, so my big question to you is...
WHY?
Seriously, what were you thinking?
That one day you would move out and everything would suddenly change?
I do see your side of this but it sounds like you don't understand when it comes to relationships and families you can't just suddenly change the rules mid game.
I hope you can figure this out...

I can definitely see your side. This would make me crazy as well. Your first clue should have been a man who still and always has lived with his parents. Right off the top you had a red flag saying this man has not grown up and he is a momma's boy. Any grown man who lives with mommy and daddy is a momma's boy! (Unless HE is taking care of aged or ill parents or something along those lines.)

Your hubby is happy; why wouldn't he be. He has the best of all worlds. His mommy to cater to him; his wife to perform wifely duties; and two kids that his mommy takes care of for him. Why would he want anything to change?

Pretty much you're going to have to decide if you can live with it, because I don't see it changing. Either you resolve yourself to this is the way it is, or you leave. He is not going to change and neither are his parents. They have no need to, no desire to, and no incentive to change.

So, you allowed this to happen. So you finally moved into a house of your own and your in-laws pretty much moved themselves in with you. OH, HELL NO!

You have to put a stop to this for your own sanity. Tell your DH that if he wants your marriage to survive, then you absolutely must establish healthy boundaries. It will be nasty and hard, but you MUST do this.

You don't have a mother-in-law problem, you have a HUSBAND problem. Your husband refuses to set boundaries with his mother and is allowing her to treat his marital home as if it's hers, and he's allowing his mother to treat his wife like nothing more than a rental womb.

I would let him know, as calmly as possible, how you feel about this. How the fact that his parents being so present in your home and your marriage and your parenting is affecting your life together. You need to use a lot of "I" statements when you talk to him. I would suggest marriage counseling very strongly.

I would suggest NOT making any sort of ultimatums unless you plan on following through with them. If you make a threat and don't follow through (for example, tell him you'll move out and take the children) then he'll never take anything you say seriously for the rest of your marriage. You'll lose any leverage you might have. Any sacrifice you're actually willing to make in order to make your point or make your life better is what you need to use as your "If you don't do this, then I'll do this" plan.

And when it comes to a Mama's Boy, never ever criticize his mother, okay? He's a great son, he's just not being a great father or husband. And he needs to wake up to that fact. He has no balance in his life. His mother is making it really easy for him. She thinks she's being a good mother, mother-in-law, and grandmother and it's probably how her own MIL or mother behaved. That doesn't make it acceptable, obviously, but it's not HER that you have to fix things with. It's your husband.

Definately relate and can see your side...although I did not experience it to the degree you have described.

If you have already discussed it w/ your hubby and had no luck it is time for counseling unless you are willing to accept that this is how it is going to be because you can't put a stop to it on your own and he's not going to stop it. So either accept it is this way, go to counseling and at least come to a compromise, or your marriage may be on the road to ending.

Spanish mothers are very very possessive!!!! Not sure if you can change them. Sorry.

You are not wrong to feel the way you do. There very well could be some cultural things you are up against here, but he needs to understand and respect your culture as well. I had a similar issue and I finally had to be completely honest with my husband and tell him that if he wanted our marriage to work (we were having other marital issues as well) that his father would not come to our home again until I was ready. You need to set boundaries or this will never change. If your inlaws are still going to baby sit then drop the children off with them in the morning and pick them up after work and, at least for a time, make your home off limits to everyone. Explain to your husband that you married him, not his parents, and if can not stand up for you and what you need to be happy (a space of your own) then he does not respect you and that is a bigger problem for your marriage then his parents. I would not be able to stay in a marriage where I was not shown respect.

If you can not get him to respect your needs, can you move the children and your self to your parents for a time to show you are serious, and get an apartment on your own if he still won't respect your needs?

Just a few lines in, I thought - she has a problem with her husband, not her in laws. It's your husband's job to "deal" with his parents. He sees nothing wrong so he's not going to stir the soup. You have a bad situation with them watching your children. You're stuck over a barrel - ughh. I would need privacy with my husband and kids. Does your husband understand that? I wouldn't normally go this route, but I'd be desperate in your situation . . . can you work into a conversation with your husband that you'd like some privacy in your own house - as in - wow, honey, now that we have our own place, I want you all to myself. I'd love to be able to get the kids to bed early most nights and spend some "adult" time with you. When you're parents are here all the time, I just CAN'T relax. If you'd make sure they go home at a reasonable hour, I'd have so much more energy for you. No man would pick his parents over that - good luck.