"He Doesn't Want to Let Go of His Mom"

Well, not ALL Latin families are this way, but most Latin men are Mama's boys. Good Luck, the MIL is why I ended up getting divorced!! I say get her out as soon as possible!!!

I totally empathize with you! However, you might want to consider the cultural aspect. You mentioned your mother-in-law only speaks Spanish. What nationality are your in-laws/husband? I am Mexican and I know traditionally, Mexican children, even as adults, care for their parents in-home, financially, etc. You mentioned you support your in-laws and I am assuming she doesn't have a spouse. A Latino man HAS to care for his mother even when he has obligations to his wife and his immediate family. That's how it is. Many contemporary, cosmopolitan, Latino families are slowly breaking from this tradition. I hope this helps. But in all honesty, as sweet as my mother-in-law is, I could not live with her. :)

You are being selfish, he had these obligations before you, he can't just leave his mother and little sister to fend for themselves. If you didn't like the situation, you should have thought about that before you got pregnant. In any case, the situation is what it is and I suggest you make the best of it, because if you push the issue, you will drive a wedge between you and your new husband.

You may have to stick this one out for a while. I'm 4th generation Mex-Amer and was raised with both parents speaking Spanish but never teaching my siblings and I any. -Bummer I have understood the custom though and the only advice I could give you is to just let yourself become close to your MIL. You will find that she will do anything and everything for you like her own children. It's not worth feeling any resentment towards them, you won't be happy. If she wants to take care of you by cleaning, cooking, etc then just let her. That's what she loves to do. Before you know it, she'll be calling you mija all the time. If she hasn't already. I'm sure it won't always be like this so just hang in there and some day maybe sooner then you think, you will have your own home that you and your husband can enjoy. Good luck!

I just wanted to empathize here and say GET USED TO IT!!! My husband is hispanic also and it is a LOSING battle to get Hispanic mothers to cut those damn apron strings and a LOSING battle to get hispanic men to grow up and take his wife's side because he NEVER will!!!!! I still can't stand my MIL after all these years (10+ years now) b/c she still treats us like we're kids (I'm 35, my husband's 38) and she can't stand that I am an independent career woman and not some domesticated hispanic wife she wishes her son married (I am half hispanic, by the way, my mom is hispanic, so no, I am not being prejudiced here!).

I tell you the majority of our fights in our marriage surround the fact that he can't, or is afraid, to stand up to his mother and the fact that I will because he won't so that makes me the bad guy! I have learned to tolerate her and see her as LITTLE as I possibly have to! My husband and son go to see her 1-2x/mth. and I always make sure I have some other obligation that day I need to attend to, unless it is a holiday or birthday. I know this is a culture clash problem in our relationship, despite the fact I am 1/2 hispanic (though I have NO problem standing up to my own Puerto Rican mother!), so this is the solution I came up with and my husband is actually relieved since the less his mother and me see each other, the less he and I fight!

Good luck with this! I will say one more thing! Set up some STRONG boundaries with her NOW, otherwise she will likely overstep them for the REST of your LIFE (that is just what hispanic mothers do, they can't seem to help themselves!).

Kudos to you for learning Spanish... and being able to afford a place of your own at such a young age. I also married a hispanic (Mexican) and did have a bit of trouble dealing with the fact that he listened to his mother more than me at the beginning of our marriage, but we were also very young. I was 19, he was 20, and we didn't get married until six months after our daughter was born. Because of our (my) age, we actually were living with my parents until two months after our wedding. I was not an independent person at that time and listened to my parents a lot more than my husband as well. It sounds to me though, that independence is not the issue. If your husband is providing housing for his family, he is, and has been, a responsible family man. He has just now added you and your baby to the list of obligations. If he is anything like my husband, this desire to care for and listen to his mother comes from a deep love and respect that surpasses anything I had ever experienced growing up in my family. We do currently live on our own (married nearly eleven years now), but one of our goals is to be able to buy a house large enough for his parents to move in with us. (They currently live with his younger sister and her family.) I know it won't be easy living with them day in and day out, but over the years I have grown to love my in-laws and value their advice almost as much as my husband does. They have been my closest family and I want to help my husband make sure they are comfortable and well cared for as they get older. I also completely understand the desire to live life as you see it, not as anyone else does. It will take a lot of getting used to, but remember, as your husband and mother-in-law get used to you being a guiding influence, they should grow into the change in relationship just as you and your husband will grow in yours. This should ease some of the friction over time. Talk with your husband. Allow him to express his desires for his family, his whole family, and also his desires for the three of you. As you're talking, without saying, "I want your mother out of our house," express your desires for your family. Maybe you've never lived away from home, and right now, if the situation allows it, might be a better time to try it, while his mother is presumably still young and healthy enough. But if he doesn't view this as a possibility, don't pressure him. He may come around some day, just wait it out and enjoy the advice and assistance that comes with a live in grandma. You may not always see it, but it can certainly be a blessing. I know I would welcome a few more nights out with my husband without the worries of babysitters. (We currently only get out for our birthdays and anniversary.) It would be worth it, even if I had to keep the house a tad cleaner than I do right now. :) I guess the bottom line is, you married him, learn to love this about him. It is a very good quality when expressed in moderation. Commitment, respect and adoration are fabulous traits in a husband.

Dear Precious M.,

When you and your husband married, you combined two cultures - they are both strong and good, but different. When I took a class that required us to study cultures and how they impact us everyday and every moment, I was bored and did not want to do that assignment. After completing it, I realized a little bit how important culture is to allllll of us. Now, many years later, I see how the culture in which we were born and raised very definitely is with us all of the time. Waking and sleeping, laughing and playing, arguing and pleading, it is here.

Go to the library and skim through some books - I used to tell my students that you don't have to marry the book you need to learn what you want to learn from it. So skim. Look for how culture units us and divides us. How cultures are different even here in one country the United States. You will see a different world after that experience.

Now, to your own life. I would suggest that you get into a larger house where you and your husband can sort of be separate, and the sister and Mom can be separate, separate, but equal. You will be able to live together, but have a bit more space.

Then you calm down and wait, and let the problem solve itself. As time goes on, people change. and they change their ideas about things, but this cannot be forced.

You need to grab the happiness that you two have together with your child, and enjoy it. You will get your way, but not today, nor tomorrow, but sometime. Be relaxed and happy, let your husband and his Mom and Sister enjoy each other like they want to. Learn how to cook some of the food that your husband was raised on, he will absolutely love it. He will take that as another strong sign that you truly love and respect him also. Umhuh, yes, that is true.

Remember the old adage, Don't ask for something - you might get it. Meaning this time, that you will be really on your own in a separate house, your husband will be visiting his family a lot. That is the way of some families. You will not have a built in baby sitter, and an experienced mother and loving big sister to enrich your live and the life of your child.

Just be like a spider and wait, you will find fulfillment and your own way, but, like I said, not today. Find fulfillment in the situation you are in now. Not only communicate to get your point across, but to learn from your mother in law, and love her. She is ready to love you back.

Mother in laws are famous for not accepting the new wife at first, then become bonded with them and turn to love and adore and support them with all of their might.

O.K.? Pray about it, and wait for your answer.

Sincerely, C. N.

Maybe just a little selfish. How about you tell your husband that you are willing to stay with his mom until she gets a job and gets on her feet. Make it clear though that she needs to get a job, because you would like to live in your own house with your family. Just talk to your husband about it, he might understand.

No, you are not being selfish at all..... I have a similar situation with my husband of 4 years and believe me it is really getting tempting to walk out the door. We have been married for 4 years now and live in a duplex that is not only 2 doors away from his mother who refuses to let go or leave us alone, but I have my brother in law living over my head. My husband refuses to see the privacy issue and refuses to say anything to his mother about being a grown married man. I can't say anything to her or I will get my head chewed off by my husband. I know it really sucks!

After confronting him about the lack of privacy and the way he lives, like a complete slob..... I am very close to leaving and moving back into my nice quiet condo that just became vacant.

I feel for you :-(

You aren't being selfish but a little inconsiderate.

Don't just expect him to turn his back on his mom. After all you should be thankful and consider yourself blessed that he loves her so much (not more than you) but he loves her and he cares for her and his little sister. Do you really want a man that would walk out on them? Do you want that kind of father for your daughter? NO. If he loves his mom like that, you know his love for you and your daughter has no end!!right?

This problem is actually something you both should have discussed prior to getting married, but you ARE married so move forward. Does your mom-in-law have other kids, maybe a daughter she could move with? Help him think of an option. Buy a property with two houses? Something...but you should help him with this. Besides your baby will have a big family and close by but not too close, that's what my mom-in-law always says.

Have you checked out any Victory Outreach Churches? they're everywhere, NORWALK, PICO, WHITTIER.

Girl you are in for a ride. Hate to to tell you this but you married his mom and sister when you married him. I'm sure you knew this was going to happen before you married him and you chose to do so. You did not explain if his mother can even work and how old is his sister. If his mom and sister can work maybe just let them know of what you wish and give them time. If they can't work, you can't expect you husband to just kick them out. Good luck with your situation and always remember things always get better no matter what comes your way. When you get overwelmed just look at your baby's smile and think this is why I do things.

I was going to say it's cultural as well--I see the virtual chorus of that here. Especially if he's the oldest boy, it is considered to be his job to take care of his mom. That's the culture you married into, like it or not.

M., You're soooo young. I want to say, "Honey, slow down," because I have a daughter older than you and I can't even IMAGINE. Just the maternal nut in me; please bear with me here. I was 17 when I had my first baby. I was "emancipated," with her dad, etc... Thought I was sooo mature ( and was, comparatively, but still). I need to respectfully tell you: There is SOOOO much you're still going to learn. I'm actually appalled at myself, looking back. Your MIL is an invaluable resource and source of support for you and your husband. To echo Linda, in that this is an exceptional cultural issue: I LOVE that your husband is caring for his mom. And I believe this responsibility was something that you agreed to, by virtue of your marrying into the family. Just as you can't walk away from your commitment to your child, in this case, you can't walk away from your commitment to his family. You have to stand by YOUR commitment. It's not fair, at all, to be resentful toward the situation. He's showing you that he's a man of INTEGRITY, NOT a "mama's boy."

Wow, sounds like since you two had a baby and got married, he needs to realize that it is time to grow up and take care of his family (you and his baby). If you can afford to live on your own, then you should. You just need to tell him that the responsiblities have changed and now he is to take care of you! His mom needs to act like an adult, get a job and support herself.

Good luck

M.,

This is the way your husband was brought up. They believe you must take care of your parents the way they took care of their parents.

Personally I could never deal with living with in laws. I'd rather live on the street.
Why doesn't the sister or mother have a job?
Maybe she'll get married and Mom will move in with her.

My husband's best friend has been taking care of his parents for a few years now. We feel horrible for him.
They left Guatamala to come to the US and moved into his one bedroom apt. So he then got a bigger apartment. His Mom, Dad, sister and brother all moved in.
His parents then decided they should get a house. So friend got a mortgage and a house. He couldn't handle living with his parents so he moved out of his own home.
Then guess what happened. Mom and Dad defaulted on the mortgage and friend lost the house. Mom, Dad, Sister and Brother are once again sharing an apartment with him.

Just be careful... You are asking your husband to place you in front of his parents. If it does happen it will be very short lived. This is his culture, you need to respect that and you knew that when you got into this relationship. These parents EXPECT their kids to take care of them.

I didn't think the whole him being of a different race mattered, so I thought. I thought any MAN wouldn't leave his mother with little sister when they're not financially established, it's just not the right thing to do I believe... the bible says, " Honor your mother and father..."
I can totally see where you are coming from because I too was in the same situation when we got married. He didn't want to move out because his share of money covered a big part of the rent, so she'd have to struggle if he'd move out and my husband also has younger siblings. I was so upset at the time, because my mother in law and I didn't see eye to eye in a lot of things so we were constantly clashing. So being the man that my husband is i knew he didn't want to leave his mom without knowing whether she was going to be able to make it or not... I knew deep inside that it was really upsetting him. So, i put myself in his shoes, and I knew that if my parents were ever struggling I would never leave them and if i we needed to to move in with my parents i wouldn't hesitate to help them and nor would my husband. I put my differences aside and agreed to support him with his decision. We prayed about it, gave her a 2 month notice and everything worked out she was able to make it without her son. Now that I am a mother I can see it from her perspective. I think you should pray and go from there, i'm sure everything will work out. Maybe she can start looking for a job and realize the inevitable, you guys will be moving out one day, whether it be next month or next year...