The Next Step with Our 5 Year Old

Updated on February 25, 2008
K.K. asks from Minneapolis, MN
6 answers

Just about 2 months ago I wrote this: http://www.mamasource.com/request/17690994335803244545 . We switched schools, and things got better. He would have more good days than bad, which is a step up from where he was.

The one thing that hasn't gotten any better is him lashing out against teachers and students. This usually happens after a point of frustration and we cannot get him to curb it. We've tried rewards at the end of the week, end of the day, role played on what to do/not to do (he can repeat it back verbatim but still does the bad behavior), and he still doesn't quit the behavior.

He was sent home on Friday because of this, and starting tomorrow he is going on a "plan". I'm in agreement with this, but I don't have much hope of it working. This weekend when he became frustrated he hit us (not hard), so I'm not holding on to hope that stickers will make it better.

Thursday when I chatted with the Assist Dir, and she mentioned that they were working with him and being consistent with their responses to these incidents. Friday, while talking with the Director, there was a hint given that our son might have to leave if we can't get this under control. I understand their reasons, but it threw me for a bit of a loop because one day it's "we are working on it", and the next it's "we really want him to succeed....so he can stay here". I'm at my wits end, and I really don't want him kicked out of a place that has done so much for him already.

Because of this behavior that he can't seem to control (and for other reasons as well). I have sent an e-mail to our Ped and see where we need to go from here.

Any advice you could give, I would appreciate it. He is going to Kindergarten (in the same school he's at now) so I hope we can figure things out before school starts in the fall.

**UPDATE**

Yes the plan that they are starting on tomorrow is one that deals with the good behavior. My son seemed very excited about it when I talked to the Director today. The Director and I had a really good talk today about my son and his previous preschool. I think we both learned a lot from each other. I think the root of the problem is his social skills. The previous place did nothing to help him learn any...and he is becoming overwhelmed when things get out of his control. Both the Director and I agree that he is not doing these things to be mean. I'm still waiting for a reply back from our ped. It might take a bit, as I told him he might want to consult with our previous ped (who stopped treating my son at the end of Dec as he moved to a different position) to get more info about little guy.

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So What Happened?

I hadn't put up an update after the update and things have gotten so much better since my last update. He's done well on the "program" and rarely has bad days anymore. We also put him on Omga-3 pills and that seems to have helped as well. He is so much better about respecting teachers, I think because these teachers show that they respect and like him no matter what. I'm not so sure he was getting that at his old school.

Kids at his preschool are so much nicer and less mean than the old one as well. He has a nice mix of older friends and friends his age, and the best part is that there is a good chance some of these same kids will go to his Kindergarten class. Another wonderful thing is all the activities that the kids do. During spring break he got to go on field trips, and it really opened up his eyes to just how fun things could be.

What I love about this preschool program at the school is it's very much like how Kindergarten will be. He's gotten used to hearing the bell ring, having play time, having academics, and using the keypad to get his hot lunch. So I'm hoping that transitioning from that to regular class won't be too hard for him. He'll be a little over 5 1/2 when school starts, and has started to hit his growing stride. He's still a little shorter than the other kids, but now it's not quite so noticeable. He's also a lot more excited about Kindergarten than he used to be, and that has helped us teach him/give him advice on things. He has been constantly amazing both me and my husband with all that he's learned during his "academics" time. It's like he's learning so much more with this program, than at the old center.

This program is so wonderful as well that when it was time to sign up for summer club, they kept telling us just how fun it would be for him and how they hoped that he'd be in the program. In a way that just blew my mind, because I didn't think they'd care one way or another. And they are right, he will have a blast! I was looking at the schedule and he'll be one busy little guy.

I can only hope and pray that things continue to improve, and as he matures things get to be less of a struggle for him. The future looks pretty bright, and all we can do is keep communication open between him, his teachers and us.

More Answers

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J.D.

answers from Minneapolis on

Hi,
I hope all is going a little better. On the "plan" have they tried reinforcing good behavior rather than taking away when he is bad. He may just need to be shown what happens when he is good--like spending one on one time is great--but also right away reinforcement. Hey son, you are doing a great job at ..... here is a sticker, tootsie, new book.....whatever might work. And how are you to get him "under control" when you are not there? Be specific in your plan and maybe include your son in the plan, too. Accountability sometimes helps even at a young age.

I would check in with your peds doc too. Although, our first told us we were just over protective and worry too much for first time parents. We have since had our oldest diagnosed with high functioning autism (6 years ago)--so the moral of the story is if the Dr. brushes it off, don't let them get away with it or especially let them make you feel bad--find one who will sympathize and then help you!!!!

Take a breath and keep reading for ideas. Being informed will be you ally.

J.--mom of 3 boys and a great hubby

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M.M.

answers from Minneapolis on

Hi K.,

I would bring this up with your pediatrician to see what he or she has to say and if they feel he should be tested for anything. Be specific with your doc and let them know you want to find out what is causing his behavior. I briefly read the responses and saw a good comment on communication - it's important that not only can the child communicate but that they are understanding what is being communicated to them. If you are not feeling supported in your school district, I would contact PACER as they provide parent advocacy for parents of children with disabilities and behavioral problems and may be able to give you some really good advice on how to work with the school district, what to ask for, etc. I believe, and they can explain further, that the school district may have some responsibility in determining why your son is acting the way he is. Their main number is: ###-###-####.

Whatever you do, don't wait. I'm sure your son is not happy that he's behaving the way he is either and he's obviously frustrated with something.

Take Care!
M.

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B.J.

answers from Minneapolis on

Hi K.-
Sounds tough and you're doing the right thing.
I have a girlfriend who has kids diagnosed with ADD- she's in Robbinsdale MN- her email is ____@____.com and her name is Kathy Conway. She might know of someone you can go to see to test. I'm a med. prof. but work in open heart- but I'm also a wellness coach and so is she. We have some products- she's using them now to see how her son does. We know of some people who use them- when they do their sons are great in school- the days they've omitted for whatever reason- these kinds of behaviors surface. Might be worth looking at too without getting "labelled-diagnosed"- it's liftoff along with nrg tea. Liftoff helps you "stay on your game" as our prof. beach volleyball assoc. team sponsors say. YOu can view them at http://www.mydietshop.org
I will be out of town for a couple weeks. If you can't reach Kathy let me know- I'll be on email. Good luck and hope you can resolve this for your son.
B. Jarmoluk
____@____.com

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A.H.

answers from Minneapolis on

Something to keep in mind may be that he is continuing with old behavior that has worked for him in the past. The center being consistent with him will be helpful. I read your update to the last response and it sounds like your previous center was actually really belittling to him. He may still need to work out some issues with that whole experience. I do recommend a child psychologist-not just a pediatrician. They will know more about the "symptoms" your child is experiencing and may have ways to help you address his behaviors at home while giving him an opportunity to talk about some stuff. Then if need be, they can direct you to the doctor (psychologists/therapists can't prescribe meds) for medication. I know there are a number of clinics that charge on a sliding fee scale if cost is an issue.

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L.M.

answers from Minneapolis on

I am no expert on ADHD, but my now ten year old acted out in 1st grade and his teacher kept telling me I should look into getting him checked out for it. I did talk to his doctor and he was not impressed. He said that Aaron was acting very typical for his age, and that he did not like to put that kind of treatment on a child that young without major issues. After 1st grade he moved on to a new teacher and I was informed at every conference how great a kid he was. I was really glad I did not push the issue on ADHD. He is now in fourth grade and doing great. I believe he had a hrad time adjusting to the kids in school, not the staff. Kids can be so mean, and I know my child lack the maturity to deal with the negative things kids did or said to him. He acted out! It took a long time for us to help him develope a thicker skin to what the kids were doing and saying to him, but he now knows who his friends are and understands that not every kid at school is going to be his friend. That was hard for him at first because he is very sensitive, but it is a fact of life he has now learned to deal with. I hope this helps a little. Be patient and talk with him about his feelings and about his friends a maybe you'll be able to help him through this too. He will find that kids everywhere are the same some are not as nice as others, and he probably at first did good at his new school, but then he found that there were mean kids there too and now is not doing as well again. bless you and good luck.

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L.T.

answers from Minneapolis on

I am NOT a therapist or a teacher, but my opinion is that your son does not have ADD/ADHD. I've seen this behavior in other kids and can tell you it sounds like he's frustrated about something. Is he able to communicate well with his teachers at daycare? Is he unhappy at the facility he is in? I, too, would be frustrated if they weren't calling me with issues as they arise. I've been there...not fun.

Hang in there! Boys can be aggressive at this age but they do grow out of it. He's old enough to ask him specific questions about his day at daycare. I bet you may find out something is going on there that doesn't agree with him.

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