The "Terrible Twos"

I really like the "Happiest Toddler on the Block" book by Dr. Harvey Karp - I don't agree with everything he says, but his "fast food rule" works wonders with my daughter. There's a DVD you can watch that would introduce you to the ideas in less time than reading the book. I got both from my local library.

Good luck!

I know what you're going thru. My first was just like this - fits on the floor for seemingly no reason, emotions all over, etc. It's a developmental phase, they're trying to understand their emotions and learn how to control themselves. It's very tiring and frustrating for us - and for them. I think it's very important to get down to their level and let them know you're there, that you want to understand them and help them. Most 2 yr olds don't have the capacity to verbalize what they're feeling. It's a learning process and we're the lucky folks that get to help them thru it! Hopefully with lots of patience and understanding you can help your little girl.

There were nights that I would have to let my daughter cry on the kitchen floor. Nothing I did would help the situation. She didn't want me anywhere near her but she didn't want me very far away either. Just know that this is all normal and will eventually wane (and new fun things will take it's place). I think it's also important to make sure she gets her sleep and eats regularly, etc. That antagonized my daughter's mood.

Good luck and congrats on your next baby! Take any help you can get through the next few months. I found the first 6 months were challenging for me (my 2nd daughter was born when the 1st was 25 mos old). Take care!
B.

Totally normal and I am sure it will get worse before it gets better with a new baby coming. I am sure it is very taxing at this point in your pregnancy!! Firstly I find it really helpful to not label it "terrible" or "tantrum" because they have very negative connotations and it kind of puts me in an adversarial stance with DD if I think she is being terrible or doing it to me. Emotional explosions are inevitable at this age. All you can do it minimize known triggers-hunger, tiredness, too much chaos, whatever it is that sets off your child. I disagree with punishment at this age and especially for tantrums. We need to help them learn how to express their frustration in a socially acceptable way, not isolate them because they are upset.

My DD went through a big "NO" stage. Seriously it was the first thing out of her mouth no matter what the question. If I asked her if she wanted a cookie, she said no, it was reflex. They are just learning they can have some control with that word! It is a phase. I find it easier to make it happen if I can. Rather than asking things-getting dressed, picking up, etc-I start doing it and make a statement. Put a toy in her hand as I put one away. I was reading recently that toddlers are such modelers that it is like a physical reflex and they will often just do it that way. Doesn't always work of course.

Another thing I do is ask myself why I want DD to comply with whatever. Just bc I feel like it or is there a valid reason? Does she need to stop doing whatever right now or an I wait 2 mins for her to want to. Often it is a want of mine just because. It can really cut down on the power struggles. And I don't mean she is running the household and all revolves around her, just that often another 2 mins are no big deal and can make a big difference in her mood.

Just hang in there. It does get a lot easier really quickly in the next few months (DD is 27 mos) and then I am sure we will get new challenges!! :)

Easier said than done, but I would really encourage you to take a step back, a deep breath and try your best to diffuse what is happening with your daughter. What she needs is more love, more hugs, more stories with mommy and more "I love you's". Try not to react, but to respond. Try even laying on the floor with her, getting down to her level, when she is having a tantrum and just letting her know you are there with her. Dr. Sears has a book on discipline that could be helpful.
Take care,
C.

I don't know if I have any words of wisdom, but I'm right there with you with my 20 mo daughter! She doesn't misbehave, but her moods are unpredictable.

Unfortunately, I don't think time outs work until they're closer to 2 yrs (tried once with my daughter, and I just don't think she got the point). So I still try to distract her when she starts getting fussy. But if she's just in the mood to cry and whine, I give her a hug (if she lets me) and then let her be. I try as much as possible not to give in to her demands in response to a tantrum, and I try to give her what she wants (within reason) if she asks nicely. I'm sure this will backfire on me down the road, but for now it seems to be helping.

This is a normal stage, as they work out their new emotions and learn how to get them under control. I don't think it's in anticipation of the new baby (congrats, by the way!)... although I'm sure that's not going to help. I'll leave it to moms of 2+ to advise you on this.

Good luck, for both of us!

Aww...The terrible two's...only preps you for the Thunderous Threes (that is what I called it, lol). My son did the same thing with one day being afraid of everything and not eating anything anymore. Temper tantrums out of no where that would last for a minute to an hour. He would just throw himself on the floor and start screaming and crying. Very embarrassing in public... It is a phase...but a long one. My only advice I can think of is try to ignore it. I found the best thing was just to continue on as calm as possible with what you were doing or talking to her. I used to just say I can't understand what is wrong or what you want when you are crying and whining. At the same time this is a very common phase to push your buttons and see how far she can push you she might also be anxious about losing all your attention. I have heard that you should buy a baby doll for the first child so while you have to take care of the new baby during feedings and diaper changes, ect. have your daughter take care of her little baby doll. This way she is feeling part of everything.
One of my friends instead of time outs for these outburst has a happy chair. She sits her son in the "happy chair" when he is having a tantrum or whining and says ok you can get up when you are happy again. This seems to work pretty well as she is not punishing him just trying to get him out of the tantrum.

Good luck with everything and congrats on your new baby. :)

Oh yeah, this is totally normal, and totally frustrating. I'm not sure she really "knows what's coming" - you've talked about it, but at 19 months, she doesn't have any true awareness or ability to project. She may be picking up something in your tension, but this is a normal phase and you're not causing it.

Have you made any major changes like moving her to a different room or bed? Maybe just getting set up for the new one has helped trigger something BUT this is still a normal phase. All you can do is comfort her, remove her from the situations that set her off, and so on. If she freaks out at playdates, just take her home where it's quieter - not as punishment but as "time to go". You are right to keep her in her bed at night because structure is actually comforting to kids.

Personally, I don't think it often works to make the child take on the "big sister" role and give up behaviors that are permitted in a new baby - I don't think the older child "gets it." You can expect some regression when the baby comes - that's also normal.

I think you just have to comfort her, calm her, and wait it out.

Then write it all down so you can torment her when she's a teenager! LOL.

Hi L. - I have a 3.5 year old and a 19 month old too so I can relate to the terrible twos AND the two young children you are going to be dealing with! It's so funny to read your post, because my 19 month old gets freaked over the vacuum, throws herself on the floor, and sometimes has mood swings just like yours! Anyway, with both my girls, I found that this age is NOT too young for a little "time out". You wouldn't do it in the way you would with an older kid, but you can definitely take her to a chair or quiet area, sit her down, tell her what you are doing, and just stay with her for 20 seconds or so while she (hopefully) calms down. I do this with my youngest and it does work.. when I ask her if she is ready to get up and be gentle or be nice, she says "yeah" and she does improve her behavior. Removal from the situation is important. I have also used the "1, 2, 3 Magic" strategies and book with my kids, and I'm just beginning to use the count-to-3 method with my youngest. My 3 year old TOTALLY gets it, but we have been using it with her since she was two. With my 19 month old, we just count to three, showing it on our fingers as we count, and she seriously seems to know that it means it's time to calm down or stop what she is doing. It could be that she has heard us do it with our oldest, but honestly, I feel like it's not too soon for you to try this and just explain to her what you are doing and why. Toddlers at this age understand more than we think they do!

As far as once the baby arrives, just remember to give your daughter as much special attention as you possibly can. I remember someone telling me when my youngest was born that the baby will be okay if you put her down once in a while and focus on your oldest, not that a baby doesn't need you or need to bond with you (obviously) but that your toddler almost needs you a little more during those first few weeks when their world is changing due to a new baby in the house and mom's shifting attention. It is hard at first, but we are already pros at multitasking! It just takes more energy until you get a routine down. My oldest was deep in the terrible twos when my youngest arrived (they are 22 months apart) and we did have some crazy moments/days, but they are awesome together now and we got through that first year... good luck and let us know if you need more advice once the baby comes!

Hi L.,

BOY can I relate. My now 2 year old went through the same phase...full out tantrum, throwing herself around, saying "no" to just about everything, being bossy, and downright miserable! :) Good news, it's a phase, your daughter will grow out of it too. Now the tantrums are less and also less "big." She gives up a lot more easily and realizes that having that huge tantrum isn'g going to get her what she wants. Hang in, it's just a phase, as much as you probably hate hearing those words, that's exactly what it is :). Good news, they all pass in due time. Wishing you the best of luck with this and your soon arrival. :)

L.,

You just described my 19 mo daughter to a T!!! She was such a good sleeper and gets up more now, but I try to keep her up for a minimal amount of time. I check on her, change her diaper if warranted, and then lay her back down. If she cries, she cried it out, but after a few times of that, she's been going back down beautifully.

As far as the tantrums go, I ignore it. That's what she wants is attention, so I walk over her or turn around and walk away and she will stop and come find me. But if I'm doing something that requires I pay no attention to her I'll resort to TV if I need to or coloring, she loves coloring (protect surfaces though like use an old table cloth on the table).

Or if you have time, do an activity with her to distract her, put on a singing and dancing video or pull out an old toy she hasn't played with in awhile and get down on the floor, because that's what they crave, time with us.

I went through all of this with my 9 yo son and it does last awhile, but as long as you don't let it get to you, she'll see that it's no point and eventually she'll move on to other ways to get your attention!

Good luck!
L.

Get ready for a ride! 2 months ago i had another little girl. My oldest had just turned three and my youngest just turned 21 months. All girls. I found that my 21 month old -- who is never afraid of ANYTHING -- all of a sudden became terrified of "sharks" in the bathtub! It became a HUGE fight to get her into the tub. She woudn't even go NEAR the bathroom she was so scared. I tried everything i could think of to make the fear of the shark go away.. we caught it, we put it in the dumpster, we watched the garbage truck get it, we had other fish protect her.. nothing worked. She also became afraid of the carosel in the mall! Which was wierd too because she has been going on that thing even when she was in her infant car seat (i was taking her older sister on it)

We do use time outs and they work well for us. We have been doing the time outs almost since she was 6 months old. I would first just hold her hands down for a second or two... and then it became she sits in her booster strapped down for one min... and now all i have to do is tell her to get in a chair and she goes. Getting out of time out on her own is THE WORST offence that can happen in our house. :) We do a lot of One... Two... THREE! Your in Time Out's! IF you want to use that EVERY SINGLE TIME you say three and she doesn't do what you want you have to put her in time out. No matter where you are or what you are doing. Also, if you say "if you do that again you are in time out" you ALWAYS have to follow through. You can't say it if you don't follow through.

When she cries, screams an otherwise throws a tantrum she gets told that it is OK to be angry.. it is OK to yell.. but she MUST do it in her room. After a couple of times with this she (and her sister at this age) learned pretty quickly that it doesn't do any good. Granted to do this you have to listen to them scream for as long as they are in their room. It seems to really enrage them... but they do learn!

She is now 23 months -- going to be 24mo at the end of the month. She listens fairly well. She (most of the time) will respond to 1..2...3. and will (most of the time) respond to me telling her that if she does that again she will be put in time out. Our challange now is hitting. All of a sudden she is hitting everyone! Grrr. The problem is that i don't always see her.

Ahhh well. there will always be a challange.

YOu also have to understand that i do NEED the three kids (all 3 and under) to behave themselves because we go out and do a lot of things outside the house. I am not a stay at home person at all and i need to go, go, go.. but i can't if i have a two year old screaming on the floor... .