Three and a Half Year Old Still Won't Poop on Potty!

A., I'm concerned about the way you describe your daughter as "stubborn," which immediately suggests a power struggle. Your description of yourself as "giving in" and practicing bribery and other "tricks," plus several other phrases, deepens my concern. And further your "lack of trust" for other "empty promises" she has made. All of these descriptors point to an adversarial relationship, when ideally, the two of you should be on the same team. (Of course, that's the ideal, which is seldom fully realized.)

I can surely understand your strong wish to have her trained by the time the baby comes. My counsel is to soften the demands, state your needs, and make a request. Explain that you'll be tired and very busy, and will need your daughter's help and cooperation when the baby comes, and that the more she is able to cheerfully cooperate, the more time you'll have to spend doing things she likes. She won't believe or remember this easily, so it's a talk you'll need to have over and over in the coming months.

It's also helpful to try to understand what needs of her own she is trying to meet with her "no-poop" strategy. More autonomy and independence? A resistance to being rushed? A means to get more of your attention, even in a strained/unpleasant way? A passive-aggressive way to express anger or frustration? I would be fascinated to ask your daughter why she stopped pooping in the potty in the first place, if only she could explain. I'll bet there's an important clue there.

A change in your approach may or may not result in your hoped-for deadline, but it sounds like you're not likely to meet that goal through your current approach. Try giving your bright daughter more choice, and explain what the natural consequences might be, in terms of her own comfort and cleanliness, and in terms of having a peaceful and happy time when the new baby arrives.

But too much urgency and stress on your part as you work this through will probably only result in more resistance from your daughter, because it will probably only increase her need for whatever she perceives she's not getting now. Add to that the typical regression that older siblings experience when a new baby arrives, and I worry that you're expecting a more mature response than your daughter will be capable of achieving.

My best to you both.

After having a conversation about my 3year old's "not going #2 in the toilet" issues with her pediatrician I have to agree with Peg and Hazel about emotional issues that could arise from forcing the issue. My husband and I had tried rewards charts, incentives, special bonus activites, etc., to try to motivate our daughter with very little success. I don't think she's stubborn or strong-willed, she just couldn't do it in a comfortable way and therefore started to refuse (with tears and tantrums). We never felt angry though, just concerned (hence conversation with pediatrician) Her pediatrician said that we should definitely back off on making it an issue and tell her that we know she will go when she's ready. Then her doc talked to her face-to-face and said, "Honey, I know you are doing such a good job being a big sister, and you have such a healthy strong body, you'll be able to make poop in the toilet very soon!" I cannot tell you the impression that had on her! She was so flattered that her doctor (whom she loves) would compliment her. She told us about her conversation for two days afterward! "And one day, Doctor M. said I'll know how to poop in the potty!" It kind of broke my heart a little because it made me understand that she genuinely *wants* to know how to do it, but it's just something she's still learning. It's extra hard because in every other aspect of her development, she's always been ahead of the curve (including urinating in the toilet)--we thought she'd be done with diapers by now!

She *IS* potty trained, except she physically has a hard time going #2 in the toilet. She asks for a diaper, squats in the bathroom, goes #2 and then tells me she's done. I also have an 8 month old, and I have to say, YES it can be frustrating to be changing diapers for two, but it would be more frustrating if I was trying to force her to do something she may not physically be ready for. There are 3 year olds at her daycare who are still in diapers full time, so the fact that for 5 minutes a day (usually after dinner before bath) she needs to wear a diaper to poop-- is so small to me in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps that's one place to start, set limits with WHERE she can be when she's wearing the diaper. Or figure out her regularity and work with timing. Set a limit for how long she can wear the diaper (just long enough to poop is what we did; approx. 5 min.) so she knows it has a purpose and function. Those are fair limits to set.

We already had the conversation with her that she cannot go to preschool next year unless she poops in the toilet. She gets it, and she does try to use the toilet a few times a week. One suggestion I heard was to give her a balloon to blow up or practice blowing when she's sitting on the toilet because it moves the same muscles that pooping moves. I need to buy some balloons!

Please try not to be "angry" with your daughter, or even think that you could have "trust" issues with a 3 (almost 4) year old... she's not a mini adult. Her view of the world is so limited at this age, espcially if she's home full-time. She depends on you to be rational, patient, and guiding and to teach her those traits too, through your own behaviors.

Try to have a conversation with her that's very OPEN ended. Let her know that you feel sad (not angry) that she isn't going poop in the toilet, but that you just know she will figure it out soon. ASK her to tell you why she thinks she can't do it. You might be surprised.

Dear A.,
Not sure if this will help or not. My daughter had stress when it came to going poop on the toilet. She would go pee and sit on her seat that was placed on the toilet but she did not want to poop. We also had a potty chair. For us putting her on the potty chair wasn't so scary to her. I would sit on the floor with her or allow her to have a book or hand held toy. This worked for us. We used the potty chair for a few months and eventually she graduated to using the seat and sometimes even just the toilet seat. For her, the seat is easier because it has handles on the side and she doesn't feel like she is falling in. The best of luck to you!
God Bless,
L.

With another one on the way I would just drop the issue. Generally, I don't think any forced big changes around the arrival of a new sibling are a good idea. Even if you get her to poop on the potty in/for the next month I'd worry that that will be her point of regression with a new baby--it certainly sounds like the easiest one for her to get to you with.
As for working thru it....my older son did something similar where he would poop on the potty, but after a few weeks of it he had a stomach bug and pooping hurt and he associated it with being on the toilet. So he started wanting a diaper to go. At first I tried just making him stay in the bathroom when he had to go, to make sure it wasn't just about wanting to be able to play.
Then I started slowly being less available to immediately put the diaper on, or just didn't drop what I was doing at least. (This happened when younger son was about 2-3 months old). One day I was trying to get baby to sleep and older son kept yelling for me to put a diaper on him. I told him I would as soon as I finished with baby. It was back and forth a few times, the more you yell the longer it takes, you can use the potty if you don't want to wait...blah blah.
He ended up going on the floor. When I was done with baby I came out, didn't make a big deal about the floor, we cleaned it up and then he was fine with the potty. I pointed out that he went without the diaper and that it didn't hurt and he'd okay. for some reason that was enough for him.
If you use disposables then maybe showing her how many there are and that it's the last package you're going to get in her size. She can use them whenever she wants but once they're gone they're gone (we had cloth so I didn't try that).
The other kid that comes to mind was 4.5. His parents split up when he was about 3/3.5 and I think pooping in the diaper was just something he help on to as the one thing he felt he had control over (like losing control of being the only kid when I sibling comes along). Mom was not pushy at all, and tried lots of stuff. What did it for him was when his aunt was babysitting him, at her house, and he said he needed a diaper. She just said "oh, I don't have any here." just off handedly. so the kid says something like "I guess i'll have to use the potty." and he did. and mom went with the 'whatever' attitude in response and he just stopped with the diapers.

IMO, potty and food struggles are the 2 things that I will get into with a kid. Not worth it!

I heard one recommendation that might work. First put her in a diaper but make sure she poops in it while on the potty. When that works, then cut a hole in the diaper, so the poop will fall into the potty. And eventually you should be able to just do without the diaper. Worth a shot.

My daugther was very similar. Almost the same story. I started making her go into the bathroom with her diaper on if she had to poop.... at least she was in the right place and not playing... then last month, my hubby asked for her to go on the potty for his christmas present. for whatever reason, it worked. that is the end of our story! someday, you'll just find the "magic" and she'll be ready. hang in there!

Shame on the other posters here for attacking your parenting skills. You are not in the wrong here for wanting your nearly 4 year old daughter, who has complete bowel control, to use the toilet rather than a diaper. Those who have not parented a strong willed child can not really understand the challenges. (I remember one of my children's teachers pointing out that those traits would serve my child well as a teenager and adult, once we made it through the growing years!) I assume you have talked with your daughter to try and find out if there is something about pooping the the toilet that frightens her. I think that it is reasonable for you to start using natural consequences with your daughter. If she poops somewhere other than in the toilet or a potty chair, she needs to clean it up. You will help her, but she needs to be involved in the clean-up, too. If possible, stop giving her a diaper to poop in. If you haven't read the book, "Parenting With Love and Logic", I strongly recommend it. It provides a framework for dealing with behavior by using natural consequences. It gives parents a way to change negative behaviors without yelling, nagging or anger. Good luck to you.

I would take a way the diapers, have her throw them out. Then explain to her she is a big girl and go potty on toilet. Also make sure you give her a tad bit exta fiber or prune juice to help her NOT get constipated. My coucin did this and within a week it was no longer a struggle and her daughte was so proud of herself.

Our son was the same way, except he would hold it for days. Upto 4-5 days at a time. I was at witts end. I spoke to our family Dr and he suggested after 2 days give him a baby supository. We only had to do it twice & he is fully potty trained. I was so worried about the damage that can occur in the bowls from holding the poop in for so long. Hope this helps some.

We dealt with the same thing for a little while. When we decided to stop allowing the diapers, we made her sit on the potty when she had to go. She was obviously afraid & cried. However, she had no choice, and ended up eventually using the toilet. After that one time, it got a lot easier, and within a few days there was no hesitation or drama.

Good luck!

I haven't read the other advice and the following is going to sound harsh potentially but this is what I recommend. You firstly need to ask yourself or her for that matter what benefits she gets from being able to go pee and poop on the potty. Does she get to go on playdates, go to movies or visit friends/family? Whatever activities she gets to do because she is a big girl, you need to take these activities away. And don't say this direction comes from you. You tell her; "I spoke with your pediatrician about you not pooping in the potty and he/she told me that big girls need to poop in the potty and until you are able to do this on a regular basis you are not allowed to do XYZ". If she asks why, don't get into an arguement about it simply say "They are the doctor and very smart and therefore I have to follow what they say". If there are specific toys or TV shows that she likes, these can also be taken away as well. After this is said don't fight her on it anymore, it's the consequences that will do the talking for you. Don't put the diaper on her when she wants to poop; she should be able to put on her own diaper at this point anyway. And she should be able to pretty much wipe herself and wash her hands as well. It then is no longer a struggle between you and her, but a direction from her doctor. Often 'strong-willed children' will fight their parents, but not fight the pediatrician or other authority figure. I highly recommend "stress free potty training" by Au and Stavinhoa. Good luck to you!

I was in a similar position as you with my son when he was just past 3. He would go pee all by himself never had any accidents but when it came time to poop he wouldn't go on the toilet. I was tired of throwing underwear away! I tried everything as well. My son would even go into the bathroom shut the door and go in his pants. So what I finially did was punish him. I know it sounds horrible! First time I took his favorite train set away, then I took all his movies away and then I took his other train set away. Then he started to go on the toilet and I would give him his stuff back every time he went until he got it all back. After he got it all back I told him that he had to go on the toilet otherwise I would take his trains away again. I know it sounds really mean but it worked. After that if he had an accident in his pants I would just say "Oh accidents happen" but if it happen more than once in a row I took his trains away. I only had to do this 3 times and that was it. He is 4 now and I have had no problems since. I used this as a last resort because I know that punishing kids for having accidents is not fair, but when they are fully capable and are simply choosing not to go and everything else has been tried I think it is ok. And secondly there is nothing wrong with calling your child stubborn! I can't stand it when mom's come on here just to judge everyone else. You asked for help in a certain situation and if you are not going to help don't comment! You are doing the best you can and don't need to be judged for everything you do! Best of Luck!

I haven't read all of the responses either. I am not judging at all. I can just tell you what finally worked in our family. My daughter had/has issues with constipation and did develop a fear of pooping on the potty when she intitially potty trained at 2yrs 10 months. We ended up having to put her on miralax which we are attempting to wean her off of a year later. She would go in to the bathroom put her own pull-up on and go poop. We would then clean her up. She was completely continent (thank goodness). Well at around 3 1/2 we were tired of the diapers. I consulted a "parenting expert" and she suggested the "hole in the pull-up" method. I just did not have the energy for that one plus I really didn't think I would ever be able to get her to sit on the potty without a struggle. So I just made the announcement that we were not buying anymore pull-ups. Everytime she used one I would remind her that we were almost out of pull-ups. I would often point out that it was her choice of when to use them but when they were gone she would have to start going in the toilet. I asked her if she wanted to practice before they were all gone and just gave her the option. Well, when they were gone (except for my 3 "bail out" one's I had hidden) she went on the potty. My husband and I really couldn't believe our luck on this one. I have no idea why it worked or how. I think it helped that her stools were pretty soft with the miralax. I'm not sure if we were giving her some control- I don't know. I can totally empathize with be tired of the diapers on a continent kid. Good luck.

We had this problem with our son. In that case, my husband dealt with it...with a little "man to man". In your case, it probably has to come from you. Next time the "opportunity" arises, say something to this effect:

"I am not giving you a diaper. Here is a pair of clean underwear, and a set of clean clothes. If you are going to do this, you are going to clean it up. (Yes, its not fun, but its necessary). She will fuss and whine, but if she has to clean it up she will probably stop doing it to begin with. Tell her she is to big to be changed and that is all there is too it she must now do it herself. When and if she decides to go ahead and go in her pants she will need help getting out of them. She will probably need a bath, but don't be gentle..shower her off if you have a shower head that works (with the hose and all) and cold water. Sounds harsh but you are just showering her backside, and any other areas affected. Scrub it off..and rinse quickly. Dry just as quickly and then into pjs and off to bed because one doesn't get to stay up late until one acts like a big girl or something of that sort. Lots of things can't happen if she's not big enough to poop in the potty. She can't go to so and so's house to play because she might have an accident if she needs to go #2. Don't let her interfere with your plans either. Make sure you tell dad the plan as well. Have him back you up with statements that indicate she might not be old enough for "insert daddy-time activity here". Don't buy the "I'll go when the baby comes". She thinks its a threat..that the baby isn't coming. She doesn't get to call your bluff..the baby is coming..whether she wants it to, or believes its going to happen..its coming. She will know that soon enough. She has to learn to mind..and while no we cannot control their bodily functions we can require after a certain age that they control them. Accidents will happen..but she's not having accidents. Put your foot down..if she can't act like a big girl with this maybe she's not yet big enough for certain other things too. Good luck :) Oh, and hang in there..one of the ways we win is to be more stubborn in our goal than they are in theirs.

If you don't mind being a little sneaky....

Try upping the "roughage" and fiber in her diet. That will help keep her stools softer so that even if she does hold it in, they should still pass reasonably comfortably. Make sure she's getting lots of water too since that will also help. Prunes, green bananas, peanuts: all poop producers! :)Then, after a couple days of her having high fiber so keep things moving, take away the diaper completely. Throw it away with her. Better yet, let her pick a day on the calendar (and have her circle it!) that the diapers are going away and then start the higher fiber a week-ish before that. She has the control of picking when but you have the ace of making sure she doesn't get constipated.