I have two daughters, 3 and 5. The older has decided she's afraid of ghosts. I've told her they don't exist, but she's afraid to be alone in the bathroom and in her bed at night. If she comes out of her room at bedtime, I end up locking her door because I don't know what else to do. She'll get herself so tired from crying, that I'll lay with her for a minute and she'll be out. I need help. I don't want to traumatize her, but my younger daughter is following in her footsteps. My older one can be very manipulative. Any thoughts?
First, I want to thank everyone for their responses. I was a little disappointed in some of the answers. This should be a place for suggestions, not judgement. Maybe I didn't explain my situation fully. Bayli started out on my floor on a sleeping bag (both of them actually). They would constantly play instead of fall asleep and wake up all throughout the night. Plus, my husband and I want some time together alone. I told them they need to start out in their rooms, but can come into my room with their sleeping bags in the middle of the night. I tried putting them in one room at night, but they still wanted me. I read a bedtime story to each of them and rub their backs a little before I leave. They each have a pretty bright nightlight and Bayli's door is open with the hall light on. Some nights are better than others. On a bad night, she runs into my room over and over. I've asked her if she actually sees ghosts. She said no. When I tried using their animal flashlights as special flashlights that keep the ghosts away, that seemed to feed into their fears. I spoke with Bayli about my believing in angels, and that maybe she's sensing an angel watching over her. I think she just wants to be with me and doesn't want to go to bed alone. I lock her in her room when she continues to leave. I do it for 5 - 10 min. She cries but it seems to keep her in her room the other times. I never go to sleep with her door locked. I go back in and tuck her in. She eventually goes to sleep. Some nights are better than others. I do want to say, locking her door is not child abuse. I use to be a CPS specialist, so please don't accuse me of something that is far from the truth. I love my girls and am a very loving mom.
so funny..... I didn't realize that everyone did the monster spray like us
my guys (3 & 4) never say anything about ghosts, but they do say monsters are in their room, so I "spray" all over their room & they are totally fine afterwards
We would walk around the area near the bedroom and chant a little poem that we made up with the kids like, "alakazam, alakabeer, make these ghosts disappear!" We would make a magic wand or we had one from a costume at one point. I also let them sleep with a flashlight. Once they are asleep, I take the flashlight away. Hope this works...it worked for us!
K.
Hi B.,
There are many good responses here.
The very first thing to always remember is to never deny what your child is feeling. If she is afraid of something and you tell her there is no such thing or to not be such a "fraidy cat" or anything else that denies or ridicules how she is feeling, then you are training her to not believe in herself and later on in life she won't trust her instincts which can lead to her following what her friends tell her to do instead of doing what she thinks is right or wrong.
That doesn't mean you have to agree with her either, just listen to what she is saying and repeat it - like "so what I hear you are saying is that you are afraid of ghosts, right?" then she will feel like you are actually listening to her and her voice is being heard. Then once you do that, ask her what she would like to do about it and you can help her come up with creative ideas to get through the situtation.
When my son went through the same, very normal issue, we came up with the idea that we could use a special spray before he went to bed(water and lavendar oil) and then I got a little bell (I told him they were afraid of the noise the bell made) and when ever he was scared he rang the bell and said 'angels are here with me'. We also leave the hall way light on for his comfort until he falls asleep.
Good luck!
My daughter is 6 1/2 and has just recently became scared of monsters in her room. She has always slept with a nightlight. For a period of time she insisted on having a flashlight in bed with her, which was fine with us, we just made sure to get the rechargable batteries. She has recently started to get up in the middle of the night and says there is monsters in her room. To cure that we gave her her big stuffed Cheer Bear (one of the Care Bears) and told her that Cheer Bear would protect her and if she gets scared in the middle of the night to hug Cheer Bear and tell Cheer Bear that she is scared and Cheer Bear will protect her from the monsters. It worked! Every night now before she goes to sleep she makes sure to have Cheer Bear next to her so Cheer Bear can protect her. Maybe a stuffed animal friend can work for your kids?
Locking a child in a room when she believes she can see a ghost is terrifying to the child at best and abusive at the worst.
Have you tried letting her sleep with you? Growing up can be scary and at that age the lines between imagination and reality can be blurry. Allow her to feel safe and sleep better and you'll find your evenings go much better. It's a small sacrifice for a short time which will allow her to feel safe and secure. So what if you end up with two in there for a while?
If she can't come to you for comfort, where can she go? Don't create a barrier between the two of you over this.
Does she have a night light? Also when my son was kinda in his scared of dark phase we gave him his own flashlight. The older kids are 4 and 5 and we just keep the hall light on now but the previous two things helped!
Hey B., I have a 5 and 2 year old, my 5 year old was doing the same thing, I got him a very dim night light and I started putting a fan in his room to fade out the little noises. I would make sure I spend some special time with each of them at night, we cuddle as much as your child wants, I lay my hands on them and sing them songs, and pray with them in the dark.. Let them know that there is nothing to worry about. I put a monitor in their rooms to let them know that I can hear what they hear if they ever need me that I will hear them but they must stay in bed. Be sensitive to their fears and please do not lock them in their room... Thats not a very good idea.. Comfort them. They were eventually grow out of it,, Be patient and I pray it gets better for you..
I don't think you you should lock her in her room. That will further traumatize her.
You have a lot of responses that I agree with...such as not locking your daughter away from you, and trying a night light or other comforts. I wanted to add that yellow/amber lights block out the blue light wave lengths that interferes with melatonin production at night. Melatonin is SO important for sleep and cancer protection. I bought my amber night lights from lowbluelights.com, but a bug light might do much the same.
You could even make up a little story of how ghosts and monsters do not like these special yellow lights! And you are going to use one too, at night. (They help you unwind...and transition to a sleepy state)
Maybe you really do have ghosts. Have you ever watched Ghost Whisperer? They always say kids can see things that adults can't. Have you asked her what the ghosts are like, if they talk to her, etc.? It could just be some beloved relative coming to check up on the kids. :)
My son and I read a book called "Bathroom Elephants" (I think that was the title), about a boy who thought there were elephants living in the bathroom causing all kinds of problems. So one day while the boy was at school, they had the "exterminator" come in to get rid of the elephants. The elephants seemed to be gone, but the kid was still afraid, until one day the next door neighbor came by and said that the bathroom elephants were now at HIS house, and that he liked having them there, so there was no chance that the elepants would come back to the boy's house, and he was no longer afraid of the bathroom. Perhaps some sort of "ghostbuster" scenario like that might work for your unwanted houseguests.
Good luck! Let us all know what happens! :)
Monster spray works for my kids, so I think a bottle of ghost spray would work also. You can use a spray bottle with just water or you can use something like a linen spray, or you could add a few drops of essential oil in the water, so they know it's there. Oh, and you can explain how ghosts detest the smell, so they can't come in and remember where it came from so they'll never return. I'd also keep a small nitelight on.
And never, never, never lock a child in their room. It's very dangerous (what if there's a fire?) and can traumatize them. It makes them feel very out of control, and you want to teach them to be in control. We are supposed to be who they can come to when scared.
Hi B.,
Many children struggle with being afraid at night. I have used a "monster spray" filled with distilled water and an Essential Oil blend called TLC. You use a 2 oz. spray bottle (small enough for little hands.) Fill 1/2 full with distilled water, add 8 drops of TLC, fill with distilled water and shake. (I work with Essential Oils if you have questions you can email me.) I labeled mine Monster Spray, you could label yours Ghost Spray. The TLC calms children down and the child will feel like they are spraying those ghosts away!!! One boy who used to get up at least 4-5 times at bedtime is now falling asleep without any problems!!
make some "ghost repellent" spray bottle with colored water in it. Purple for monsters, green for aliens and blue for ghosts! I like the idea of essential oils..still smell it with the lights on and know it's working.
We had some trouble with our daughter. Sometimes it just takes Listening to her tell Daddy about her day at the dinner table. It helps her process it all and gives her attention and makes her feel a part of the family.
Hi B.,
Children are very sensitive to spiritual presences. Your older daughter may very well "sense" a presence and be fearful of it not knowing what it is.
This happened with my daughter around age 4. We had a male "spirit" that hung around certain parts of our house. I explained to my daughter that spirits aren't here to hurt us and that they sometimes hang around because they're not sure where to go. I honestly don't know what really happens -- like if they're in limbo before heaven or what; but my explanation seemed to satisfy her.
Before I opted to "acknowledge" this spiritual presence, I did pretty much the same thing you did, which is tell her ghosts don't exist. It didn't work because she strongly "felt" something and I couldn't convince her otherwise.
Once I acknowledged her feelings and explained about spirits (not "ghosts"; but "spirits), she felt better.
I also said out loud to the spirit (or whatever it was) that he was disturbing my daughter and we would greatly appreciate if he would find somewhere else to go. After that, my daughter never had a problem.
It was a very odd experience, to say the very least. But, whatever I did worked.
Good luck to you!
Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven, H.C.
Healthy Habits Wellness Center, LLC
www.HealthyHabitsWellnessCenter.com
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I have heard that many people do the "monster spray". I think it's a good idea, but I was hesitant to acknowledge that there was a possibility of real ghosts or monsters. You know? But that does work wonders for some, so good for them.
The one thing I did want to say is that we were trying to keep our son (4) out of our bed, so we decided to put a small baby gate in front of OUR door. Our door and his are always left open. That way he did not ever feel trapped in his room and he could always come talk to us if he needed us, and I'd get up and tuck him back into his bed. He almost NEVER fussed about it, and never threw a huge fit. It didn't take before he wasn't getting up at night at all.
Suprisingly, he even knows exactly how to remove the gate, but he waits until like 7:00am (or when the sun is up, we say) to remove it and come on in. That's fine with me.
Oh yeah, and we leave a tiny lamp on until he is asleep.
Good Luck!
I know you've received a lot of responses. I just want to add-- when I was little I was very afraid of ghosts. My dad told me that I could get under the covers and they would keep me safe. Somehow that helped a lot and I spent many nights burrowing under covers (and occasionally still do!). On particularly bad nights I'd be afraid that if I left an arm or other body part out from under the covers, the ghosts would be able to sneak in!
She might be trying to tell you that she just needs you more right now. Our society tells us that parenting ends at night, but it's a 24 hour job. After her big day, she might be feeling very lost at night. Whether she really is afraid of ghosts or she's manipulating you (to be with her more?), she is needing you. If laying down with her works, do it, even if it's more than once at night. Or let her come to you. Maybe you can keep a sleeping bag by your bed for her. Once she sees that you are there for her at any time, she will grow more comfortable being alone. This also will come with time. Five is still so young, despite full day kindergarten telling us and our kids to grow up already! Please don't lock her away from you or let her cry herself to sleep. She's just a little girl who needs her mama. Take care.
I have found that letting my son fall asleep with the lights on helps the most. (he also loves those break lights that look like sticks...it's a portable night light). I tried the monster spary with him, but it just seemed to validate his fears. It did nothing except maybe make him a little mored scared. I want to say it's a phase, but it's one that comes and goes.
