Trouble with Neighbors Kids

Here's the obvious reason that good fences make good neighbors. It sounds to me as though the older girl owes YOU and apology for being rude and destructive. The mother may not know what's going on, so you may want to tell her in a tactful way. If this woman really scares you, just stay away from her and her entire family.

You should invite the other mother over, and explain to the child that you are happy to have her and her sister come play, but that she is a big girl and needs to help you out some, too. That as a big girl she should be able to mind and help clean up her mess and be a good role model for the other girls when it comes to interacting with people and animals. Also tell her that when she does misbehave you will have a talk with her mother, and do. Just talk to the mother. There is no reason to be overwhelmed or aggressive with anyone at this point. You still have tons of things to try.

Talk to the girl's mother. Be nice to her and try to work it out. If you think the 10 year old is too old to play with a 4 year old then tell her.

Instead of waiting until the children have left and your cleaning up their mess try talking to them before they start to play.

I have had this problem and told the little girl that the last few times that she has been here she has not helped clean up. That the rule in our house is that if you help make the mess you need to help clean it up. I told her in advance that if she did not help clean up she would not be allowed back over for 2 weeks. When it came time to clean up she tried to leave. I reminded her that if she did not stay to clean up that she would not be allowed back and that I would be very sorry to not see her. She resisted at first, but then helped. The next time she tested me to see if I really would not allow her to come back. I didn't allow her to come back or play with my daughters for 2 weeks. She does much better now, but still tries to scam out of it if she thinks I'm not watching.

I have been a Girl Scout leader and am a Sunday school teacher and my advice on the being rude part is confront it. If a child gets sassy with me I tell them "I do not allow my children to speak with me that way and you may not speak to me that way. If you are unhappy playing here because of our rules, please feel free to go home after you have helped clean up." Mostly the kids are shocked. They haven't had adults be so honest with them. I have handled boys and girls in groups of upward of 40-60 at a time and generally don't have any problem keeping them in line using this method.

** Note: if you tell a child they can't come over or do something, then YOU have to be willing to reinforce it. If you are not willing to reinforce what you say don't bother trying this method because it won't work.

You should have a talk yourself with both the 7 and 10 year old. Sit them down and tell them that you don't mind them coming over, but they have to respect the rules in your home just like everyone else. If they don't, then they can't come in the house to play. Simple as that. You might even post household rules somewhere in your home, like teachers do in classrooms. I know it is too early for your girl to read them, but it doesn't hurt to start early so that everyone that comes in your home knows what is expected of them. You might even put pictures beside the text so that even your daughter can understand. Good luck.

E., I do not think that it's the age that matters.
Our 10 year old God daughter plays with our 3 1/2 year old and 16 months old all the time.But she just likes " babies", and is very kind and nurtering with our boys. It actually makes it easy on me , like having a babysitter:). When we lived up north we also had a 11 year old girl from our neighborhood who came over almost every day just to play with the kids, cuz she liked it(and boys loved her).
However if this child comes just because she is bored at home and does not respect your home and your rules... that's a different story. 10 year old girl can actually be a great help to you with your girls, but a not well behaived child is no fun no matter what age:(
I would have no problem talking to the child and telling her why I do not what her in my house, but if you're uncomfortable..... talking to her mom on the phone maybe an answer for you.

Stick to your guns. Obviously her mom is not making her behave. If mom wants to talk with you she can, but she sent the kids instead.

You should talk to the mom. Maybe have her over to your house for coffee and have the girls play together. That would give her the opportunity to see how things go as well. There is no need to be hateful to the mother about her children. We know how we would feel. If this doesn't work, make sure your children are very busy going somewhere, being with others their own age, taking a class/camp or getting ready to go to bed or working with you on something. This will keep them away from your child. I had to do this in order to keep our neighborhood holigans away from my child. He is now 17 and a good kid. One of the neighbor kids got into the wrong crowd and is now in rehab. Thankfully, whatever I did worked. You have to be, as I like to call it, "the Momma Bear" because they are very protective. Some moms are clueless and they may honestly not know about what is going on. One of my neighbors and I have a very open relationship on overseeing the activities of the kids. If they are on their own and mom is at work, I will gently mention -- I saw so and so doing such and such or was home after school started? She has always been very appreciative of me doing that as I would be of her telling me. We never let the kids know this, but we can keep a tag on what is going on. My child is always amazed as to how I know everything BEFORE he does! Good luck.

E.,

I would explain to the older girl... but I would talk to the mom on the phone this way there is no confrontation especially in front of the children.

You could also explain that being 10 that you just think she is too old to be playing with your 4 yr old. I can't imagine any 10 yr wanting to do that.. they would be BORED to death.

Also you don't want her to negatively influence your DD.

She "KNOWS" stuff at her age, that you don't want your DD exposed to as of it.. I mean she is considered a TWEEN for goodness sake. I would think that the MOM would understand, but then again... she has you as a free babysitter and her kids are out of her hair and in yours.... know what I mean.
So of course the MOM wants you to know that. :)

She gets some much needed "ME" time and you get your house tore up and have to constantly moderator the older girls to protect your DD.

E., the girls at their ages 7 & 10 can be bossy, manipulative and put pressure on your DD in ways that you don't need to think about.

IF you want to talk further, email me privately.

V.~

I find it a bit more troublesome that she's using her daughter to relay messages to you...maybe she's scared of you :)

I think you'll feel a lot better if you do say something, so hopefully you can muster up the courage to do so...you're doing it for your daughter. What I'm finding a little odd...why is the older girl coming to your house if she has a friend over?? Secondly, if she's destroying your house- she is old enough to clean it up and she certainly understands no. Tell her to stop!!

I would go to the dorr, smile, and tell they this is not a good time for them to play. Continue doing that until they tire of coming over. If you are in the yard, go inside the minute they show up, tell them you have things to do. They are too big for your daughter, and too much for you to babysit. Good luck. I have never liked living in a neighborhood for this reason.

It seems u r right, the 10yr old is to old to be with ur daughter. She needs to be with girls her own age, and has alot of control over her sister, teaching her bad things.Maybe u can talk to the mom? Let the childs feelings get hurt, its better than ur baby hurt, ur house trashed, dog terrorized or u afraid of her.Or maybe you can set aside a time where you can watch them and thats the only time she is allowed over in YOUR yard? I wouldnt leave my child alone with her for sure.

A seven and ten year old are too big to play with a four year old. You have a right and responsiblity to protect your daughter, home, and your dog. Speak with the mother and simply tell the truth. The children have nothing in common. There is too much of a age difference. Then stick to it, no matter how sweet the seven year old is the answer should be no. You do not owe anyone an explanation beyond this, simply because you said no.
P.s. If need be have someone go with you that is level headed for support and as a witness. Any adult that will send a message like that to another adult through a child sounds manipulative as well as irresponsible. If you can not bring yourself to do it, just don`t answer your door. They will eventually get the message.

M. W.

Hey E.! I have had the same situation. It is probably in your childs best interest not to allow them to play together. We had a similar situation and the mother and I ta lked and decided that they should only play if we have close adult supervision. My child is 8 and the other is 11. I explained to my child that the other girl is just growing up and it is quite an age difference when you are young. However, this would not be the right words for you to use w/your child. If you are worried of conforntation w/the mother. Just each time the doorbell rings you answer it and say, "No, she cannot play right now. This will eventually deter their coming over. Remember you are in control. Good luck! D.

Hi E.,

I would talk to the mom. Yell her that you saw something that, if your child did it, you would want her to tell you. Then, explain that you saw Hannah and her friend trying to trap the dog in the back yard and that you are afraid the dog might nip her because the dog was frightened (or whatever you feel is true). Tell her that Hannah has her own friend (you know this because they were BOTH at your house) and is really too old to play with Emilie.

You could also take the opportunity to tell her that her other daughter has beenpretty good about cleaning up her mess and that Emilie enjoys playing with her.

Try to keep the complains factual without the emotion that can make people so defensive. Also, don't expect her to take well to your comments. At first, she will brobably blame the dog, but after she thinks about it, she'll realize the truth. If not, you don't necessarily want her kids around anyway.

Good luck!!

I bet the other Mom is glad to get the 10 year old out of her house too! I agree 10 is too old for your little girl. But the 7 year old can still play age appropriate games with her. I would just tell your neighbor that you feel Hannah is too old to play with your daughter but that 7 year old is perfect!
I would also suggest letting the other Mom know that Hannah destroys your house and is trying to hurt your dog. These are small offenses now, but when they get older they get worse. I also like what the Scout leader said about being rude and helping! I will remember that one!

E. M,

I'll tell you what I did with almost the same situation with my son and two of our neighbors years ago. I sat down with the older boy and explained to him that I did not mind him coming over to play, but that I would not allow him to destroy my house, run rampant through my house, or hurt his little brother or my son. I told him that if he started any of this behavior that I would send him home. After being sent home two or three times he learned what I expected of him while he was in my home and it stopped. He learned that if he wanted to play and have fun with my son and his little brother that he had to behave and respect my wishes. Each time he came to the door to come in and play I reminded him of the deal that we had and he knew that I would send him home the minute that he misbehaved. Sometimes you just have to sit down and reason with the children. Good luck to you and hope it works as well for you as it did for me.

C. K

I just wanted to say that I have the same exact problem with my neighbors it's horrible because you do not want to be completely rude but you would think that the parents would have more control over them, the only difference in mine is that the adult mother and the child are nerve racking and both want to know every little thing that we do and it drives me crazy the only thing that I have come up with is that either ignore them and maybe they will go away or you must tell them how you truly feel even if it hurts their feelings or not other than that my problem is afraid that there will be tension real bad between us all and I dont want that I just want to have privacy!!!!! I hope this helps!

You need to not be scared of a 10-year-old. Don't be afraid to discipline another person's child if they are misbehaving in your house (as long as the other parent isn't there and in charge of their own child). By discipline, I mean correct their behavior and tell them why what they're doing is WRONG. Let her know directly that she will not be allowed at your house if she continues to behave in certain ways. You may want to talk with the mom first and let her know why you're uncomfortable or irritated or whatever, but seriously, YOU are the adult, and YOU are in charge.

You should probably talk to their mother instead of telling them directly. You can't rely on a ten year old to give her mother an honest account of the way things happened. Of course, don't make it sound like her daughter was that terrible, but just let her know that you think she's a little too old to be a playmate for your daughter. If she has a problem with it and won't let either child come over, then I'd just let it go with that. A ten year old could be a bad influence on a 4 year old, and if it means losing the 7 year old playmate, then so be it.

I had posted some thoughts on this but after reading some other posts I realized what they had to say was very true. Talking with the mother in private via phone would be a good choice, especially if she makes you nervous. Tell her that you don't intend to hurt her daughters feelings but explain what you have seen and the concern you have for your daughter.

Putting up rules of behavior on your wall would be good too and explain, if this child returns, that you expect her to abide them too or she'll have to go home. One would be that she has to clean up what she messes up or she's not allowed over. Share the rules list with her mom too. We lived on a military base so loads of kids on our block. I did this & it worked great and I never had a mom get upset with me about it either.

I share also in the thought that 10 year olds playing with 4 year olds is a bit out of the ordinary. Seems to me that she is likely to share things with her you're not prepared for. It may mean supervised playtime when she's there until you are comfortable with it.

Also, setting a specific day/time for them to come over otherwise they may likely be there all the time now that school is out. That way they all look forward to that day/time of the week and you can be better prepared.

Above all, stand your ground with graciousness. This is your child & don't feel intimidated into accepting behavior you find unacceptable.

Hi E.. My name is Vicki. My Birthday too is March 9th.
I hope things get better for you. I feel and it is only a suggestion that you need to let the Mother know how you are feeling about all that has been happening. The young children need to know that if they make messes they need to pick up. And not hurt the dog. If they cannot do that then they need to stay away. They could put the wrong thinking in your child. As far as age You just have to help them understand how to play with your child. And not teach bad things. Like you said they hurt your feeling too. It is going both ways. Be firm but kind and try very hard to comunicate to their Mother.

I would just call the mom and talk with her honestly, but tactfully. like " hi Sue, I have a delimma I need your help with. The other day when your dtrs came over, I caugth the older one trapping the dog...bla bla bla. I would like to allow both to come over, but it's not okay for them to be mistreating my dog etc..whatever the behavior is. Any suggestions on how you would handle this?" So that way her dtrs misbehavior is her problem not yours, and she knows outright that if her dtrs behaved better, then you would allowthem to come to your house.
Bottom line is that the behvior of the dtrs your neighbors problem. The ball is in her court, unless the behavior changes, then it's their mommies fault, not yours that they can't come over. Correcting other peoples children is a sticky situation, if you both address it, then it is a shared. At least she knows.

Hi E.! There is no "easy" way to take care of this issue. But, the sooner you do, the better you all will be. I don't think there's anything worse than fighting neighbors. Well, actually there's a lot worse things...but you get the idea. LOL! I saw a really cute idea in the Family Fun magazine this month for a neighbor's door hanger. The concept is you make a door hanger for your door that says-Emilie can't play now, come back later. Or for older kids-I know doesn't apply right now, but will later- No playin' till homework's done! Anyway, you make the little sign personal for your situation. I would definantly talk to the other mom, she's probably not aware of the whole situation. The sooner you do, the sooner she will know where the both of you stand. Who knows, you might make a new friend in the process!
God Bless!

There certainly needs to be a conversation with the other mother. Since she doesn't know what the older girl is doing while at your home, it's understandable that she'd be confused or offended by the child being excluded.

Also, when the kids come over to play, make it clear up front what your expectations are in how they play together, putting away things they get out, etc.