Trying to Discipline a 4 Year Old

TEAR HIS BUTT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I mean just that. All that back talk, kicking, ect. Oh Hell No!! Now grant it I had that same "laughing" problem with my daughter when she was 3-4 yrs old, she is 6 now and the youngest. I believe what the other lady before me said is true. I don't think some (not all) children understand or think about conseqencies until the time come. Now my son, who is 8 now, that was a very short phase for him when he was about 6 and he was also peer pressed by his sister. At one point I called them Thing 1 and Thing 2 cause they always did the oppoiste of what I told them. With my daughter I had the acting out in public, falling out in the middle of the street, falling out on the bus, the whole 9 yards. Then I realized something, they didn't do that with my husband whom believe heart and soul in "spare not the rod". Because I was tramatized as a child with beatings (my mother would beat me for something, then my grandmother would get me for the same thing, then when I saw my aunt she'd get me too) I didn't want to beat them AT FIRST. For years I tried what you do (time out, talking) but then I realized these kids are a new breed!! They are nothing like how you and I where coming up. Then I thought may-be it's because we had something to FEAR and that's why we didn't do what they are doing.

So from that point forward my tactic changed and now for the past 2 years I say it ONE TIME that's it; then I just start cuttin butt!! No warning cause I told you the first time. At home, out side, at church, don't matter. I figure if your gonna imbarrse me, I'm a return the favor. If I'm in another part of the house and I call them, they better come and see what I want in a timly manner cause I'm not gonna call them again; if they don't come, I cut butt. When I call their attention their response is "yes" or "yes mame'" (not what, huh, none of that) if not I pluck they lips. I learned that if I am firm and consent they will pick up on that really quick and all the playing stops. My son is to the point now where if he sees his sister doing something she not suppose to be doing he trys to warn her, if she don't listen, he tells and the same for him. Cause they know if one did something and the other didn't say nothing they both get it. It's to the point now where the kids wait on my word now not just their father.

Now my daughter still do that "laughting" thing, but all I have to do is look at her and all that stops, she walks over to me hold my hand and she saids "okay mommy, I don't want no beating" and go head bout her business and leave me be. My son will be messing up and I just look at him, he eyes get real wide then he takes a deep breathe and walks away.

LOL

Now you might not have to do it like me; but ONE TIME that all you give him. If he don't listen FOLLOW UP IMMEDIATELY.

Hope this helps,

P.

Hi Barbara,

I am going through the same thing, my baby is 6 weeks. I am being very serious my son does all the same things. I just found he is adhd. Might want to get him checked. I have middle child and he is so opposite from his brother. Or he can be acting out. Just a suggestion.

I can totally relate to what you're going through! My older son will be 4 next month and I had a baby last year. He is great with his little brother, but this has truly been the toughest year for me as a parent, as far as discipline is concerned. My older son also has a major attitude problem, talks back constantly, and really began to act out toward me once I gave birth. There are many times that I don't enjoy my older son because of his behavior and smart-mouth. I stay at home, so I have to deal with it everyday all day. I feel guilty and sad just as you do because he is my first born and I love him so much. Just try to remember that it's only a stage and will one day pass.
I haven't found the perfect solution to his discipline problems, but I did come up with a behavior chart that I put on our fridge. He gets an 'X' when he is really misbehaving or talking back, not listening/following directions, etc.. If he gets 3 or more X's, he won't get to read a bedtime story or he won't get any dessert/treats. This has helped some, so maybe you could try something like this, but geared toward your son. We also give smiley faces for good behavior too and we reward him with extra bed time stories.
Also, make sure that you spend one-on-one time with him, doing something he really enjoys. I notice that my son seems to act out more when I don't spend enough quality time with him playing or acting silly (without his baby brother).
Good luck and know that you're not the only one coping with this issue! Be blessed!

Barbara, I think you said the key to the solution. "Everything is a joke. He laughs when we try to discipline him until we actually put him in time out or take away his games then he takes it seriously." Your son has learned that he can continue his behaviors for a period of time until the consequences that he dislikes will be imposed. So, tell him in advance that you will no longer talk to him for serious behaviors, like kicking and talking back, but he will immediately suffer the consequences of his actions. Then follow through every time without fail, no matter where you are.

Reinforcement, either positive or negative, must be immediate in young children or it has no effect. The brain has to directly connect the act with the consequence at that age. That is why spanking was and still is effective, because it is immediate and it links the behavior to the unpleasant consequence. The brain forms the link very easily under those circumstances. Young children are not adults, their brain is not mature enough to link future consequences to the current action. The possibility of future punishment is easily overridden by the pleasure of the fun of the behavior at the moment. They just don't care about the future, because their sense of the future is not well formed at 4 years of age.

If you do not believe in spanking, then you need to find a form of consequence that can be applied in public or at home for the behaviors that you deem to be unacceptable. There are no magic consequences, you have to fit them to the child and to your philosophy. I used corporal punishment for serious or safety issues, but only sparingly. I found other consequences as well, and mixed them to suit the situation. If a child is using physical means to hurt someone else, perhaps physical consequences are appropriate. It's up to you. If he misbehaves at a party, then maybe leaving the party is what he will find unpleasant enough to learn from. But don't threaten, don't tell him what could happen, just do and tell him that he is suffering the consequences of his actions. You are just the tool of the consequences. Like taxes, it just happens.

One suggestion for the backtalking is to make him sit in silence for a period of time, one that he can understand. Maybe a minute or two, and have him watch the clock. He will be very aware of the time that he is "serving" for the behavior. If he argues with you, increase the time, which reinforces the link between the act and the consequence. Having him watch the clock will help to impress on him the link as well, nothing is more boring than watching a clock slowly change.

If he also has lots of fun time with his parents and friends while he is behaving appropriately, then he will eventually learn to behave in a manner that continues those fun times. And some "special" fun times one on one with a parent, where he is the center of attention, is a good way to give positive reinforcement for good behavior. It doesn't need to be something extraordinary, it could be just sitting away from everyone else and having a fun book read to him. It could be sitting on the porch and telling stories and jokes to each other. And do laugh at the jokes of a 4 year old, they were funny to us when we told them many years ago. It could be learning a new and exciting fact or ability that can be shown off with pride to everyone else. It could be helping you cook a meal. Any time that he misbehaves during one of these times should end the session, but spending time with a parent should be something he can count on. These times will also be a time for one parent or the other to get to know him better, and form a bond between you. Children are a different form of company, and their insights and point of view can be a wonder. Maybe getting to know him as a person will be a good way to understand why he acts up at times.

I hope these ideas help. Toddlers can be frustrating.