Part of me wants to say that being a mom is not worth it. It's a ton of work, it's trying to make things happen that don't quite work, it's wanting the best, and not seeing it happen, it's cleaning and drudgery, forcing kids to do homework they don't want to do, carting them around like an unpaid servant to school events, cheering from the sidelines and never being the star. Sorry . . . it's motherhood. You are the servant to all, in many ways.
On the other hand . . . there are also glimmers of hope along the way . . . and when you see your children as successful adults, you'll sit back and 'wonder how that happened'. It's amazing, and rewarding, and I consider it my most crowning achievement. I have launched two very successful women and I have 2 teens.
Kindergarten is a challenging year. Yes, she is good in school, and in public. But that's what you WANT, isn't it ? When she comes home, she's tired, she's been good in public all day at school. She is bound to want to just let down and relax at home, and let the emotions and stuff she contained in school 'out'. Not so hot for you. Necessary for her.
I would really like you to read your letter again -- I have a very strong suspicion that you sound just like your daughter. I think half the clash is because the two of you are so much alike.
I also think that it's time to listen to what she's saying. She doesn't want to nap -- and she's old enough to stop napping. Why not let her stay in the living room with a book for a quiet time while her brother naps ? Better yet, do you have space for her to have her own room ? That way she could have certain toys that are more age appropriate to her, and he would not be able to get at them and do what 2.5 yr old boys do with toys. If she has a "quiet time" with a book, without her brother, she might drop off to sleep, and she might not, but either way, there's some down time to relax.
What do you do when she's doing crafts ? Is this a mutual entertainment, or is it all hers? do you really expect that at almost 6, she's ready to be responsible enough to pick it all up herself. Whatever happened to, "Let's get this cleaned up before we do anything else?" Where's the WE in this family ? Obviously the kids are at different age levels with different expectations, but what she probably sees is that you do everything for him, and you demand that she do it all herself. (conversely, our youngest, when asked to do some stupid little thing would burst out, "Why do I have to do all the work in the house?" Didn't that makes us laugh -- cuz she did almost NONE of it one thing, in a whole week and it was too much)
As our kids grow, we have to grow and change, too. I found when my kids were near your kids' ages that I had to change my expectations or I would spend all my time simply yelling at them and never enjoying them. And, yes, child #1, was the hardest. She is still the most headstrong of all our children, the most in-your-face, the most apt to take over and ramrod things through Congress, etc. You have to decide what is most important to you, and focus on those things. Let some of the other issues go for now. They are just adding fuel to a fire that it already out of control.
Think of how you can treat her like a big girl, maybe doing a few things with just her when Daddy is home, so he can watch the little guy. I suspect she is treated as a 'big girl' at school, and she comes home and is lumped in with a 3 yr old, and she thinks she's being treated like a 3 yr old. And, when treated that way, she'll act like one.
There are many emotional changes going on, and lifestyle changes during the kindergarten year. All children become strangers to us at that age. They see other forms of behavior at school, and they mimic it. They test it out, and try it on, and sometimes it just doesn't fit their family life. Other times, someone at school may be bothering them, and while they don't say anything, they take it out on family, making sure they are on top of the pecking order at home because they are near the bottom at school. ?? Just some ideas. . .
The bottom line is that you are the adult in the situation. You have to decide whether you are going to have a screaming household or a quieter one. It is very hard not to scream when your kids are driving you insane, and they do, it's part of their jobs in life . . but if you make sure your day is such that you are more relaxed when she is home, and that you don't take on a ton of stuff so you aren't pressured, you are more apt to keep your cool. When she kicks her brother, let her know that she doesn't have to like him, but she is not allowed to touch him in anger. If she had her own room, she'd have a place to go when she's angry, where she can be alone, then return to the family area when she's ready to "be family".
I'm sure the other moms on this sight will have excellent advice, and some will suggest books that might help. Try it. The only thing I want to say, is that looking back, there are many times I would like to apologize to my eldest. The oldest child is the "experimental child". She's the one who we hold to the highest standard, because we somehow expect them to be perfect -- we give up a bit with each successive child. We don't know anything about raising children, so the oldest one is the one we "practice on", sometimes doing well, and sometimes failing miserably. And with our first children, we want so much for them to be all the right things, and for us to be the perfect parents . . . somewhere along the way, we learn to slow down, not put so many of our expectations out there, and simply watch them grow and learn and share in their discoveries . . . Our older two girls went through a lot of what I hear in your note about your two. Our younger two (born about 10 years later than the first two) live in an entirely different world. They had experienced parents from the get-go. They were carted to middle school, then high school as infants and toddlers. They had parents who were more worried about accomplishing everything that needed to be done than having a perfect house. They had older parents who also didn't have the energy to be at them for every little thing. . . and they are now teens. 15 and 13. And the difference is astounding. Neither of them fight or argue or fuss. We are probably the only house on the street where teens don't slam doors, and scream at their parents. Somewhere along the way we learned to listen, so they don't have to raise their voices to be heard. We stopped living our lives through our children, freeing them to live and build their own lives. We enjoy them, we encourage them, we cart them around, we invite friends over, we drop everything for our kids when we need to. We have behavioral expectations, but they meet them -- I don't know why. They just do. The youngest sometimes leaves me stimied for how to solve an issue, and I've found that her adult sisters have been able to add sisterly encouragement that has helped her to focus on what's important in life. At this point in my life, I would say, yes it is worth it. . . . but when I was in your shoes, with two children, 2.5 years apart, I went through the kinds of days you are describing, too, and it was all I could do to survive them.
Maybe, during nap time, if your daughter is "stuck on the couch" until the kitchen timer goes off, and your son is napping, you can use that time for some "me" time, too. Find something that YOU want to do, not housework or drudgery, but something you enjoy, and use that hour to be good to yourself. I think you need a little pampered time in your hectic day, so you can begin to relax and enjoy life. :-)
And, yes, it DOES get better . . . The kindergarten year is tough. I think everyone's child turns into a brat during kindergarten !
