Trying to Do What Is Best for the Kids

D., I don't have any advice for you. I just wanted to give you a (((((hug))))) and say I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I feel absolutley awful. Best of luck to you.

Hi! I'm sorry to hear of your situation. My husband and i have just started a church that is meeting in the Boys and Girls club in Wallingford. Can e as a church do anything to help you financially or otherwise? Please let us know. M.

You said that you 2 still own a house together? Do you receive any portion of the rent payment? If the house is in both of your names, you should really speak with a lawyor, maybe you can get him to buy you out (pay you 1/2 of it's worth). I wish the best for you! I can't imagine what your going through... Good luck!

D.,
My heart goes out to you, but stay strong! My suggestion would be to make your X sell that house that you both own. As you said it is holding you back from getting help and I am sure it is money you could well use. If he doesnt want to sell it then he would have to buy you out, so either way you would get money out of this. I am sure you qualify for legal assistance and you should be able to find that number in the local govt pages of the phone book, if in sussex county you can call Project Self Sufficiency and they offer a free consultation with an attorney. You should also qualify for alimony with the amount based on the number of years you were married. Project self sufficiency as well as alot of local community colleges offer free or almost free classes to single mothers, ect,. check into them! There are alot of offers out there for single mothers to help them get above that minimum wage so they can live a good life and support their children. Apply for everything you possibly can with social services, rent assistance, food stamps ect. Anything you can get to help you out will put you closer to having your children more. Try to count your blessings and keep a positive attitude as much as possible. You are very lucky to like the woman your X married and it is a wonderful blessing that she is so good with the kids. Be persistant in getting help, make calls and more calls, help should be out there. Good luck and please keep us up on what is going on, I am sure alot of people are keeping you in their thoughts, and hoping good things come your way soon.

L.

As wonderful as you claim him to be, it sounds to me like you have a very selfish ex. If you both own that home, you should both be getting the profits. And as wonderful as the wife is, she is not Mom. I lost my Mom at 3 1/2, and never a day goes by that I don't miss her. If you don't make an attempt, they will resent you for the rest of your life. I know this because my boyfriend has his boys, and their mother makes hardly any attempt to do anything for them. It has been six years now, and they have absolutely no respect for her. Speak to your ex. He has to know that he has left you in dire straits. Explain that this is for the kids more than it is for you

Hi D.,

I am sorry for what you are going thru. I hear what you are saying about the kids having all the material things they want at dads, but u have a lot to offer them too. Your love and support will mean more to them than any material object. Since you own a house with your ex, I would contact an attorney and find out what your options are, a lot of them offer free consultations. You may be able to have your ex sell the house or buy out your share of the house, if you want to sell. If he wants to keep the house he may have to give you half of the going selling price of the property to do so. That would help you get on your feet. Hope this helps.

M.

D.,

You mention that you and your ex own a house together that he is renting out. Are you seeing half of the rent money? You should be, if you are half owner of the property.

Do you and your ex live in the same community? Meaning, is it a problem for your kids to get to school from either home? That's a huge disruption in their lives if that's a problem. Do you work every other weekend? If not, can you arrange to have the kids every weekend if he has them all week long? Two days every week is better than what you're getting.

I think you put your feelings on all of this in your title line. You are trying to do what is best for the two of them, and suffering the consequences for it yourself. If you truly believe that they are best off in their current situation, and they are living the life you most want for them, it may be the best answer to let them stay with their current situation. You are always there for them, no matter what. You are part of their life, and they know you love and care about them.

I've never been in your situation, so I can't tell you that I know how you feel. I don't, but you have all of my sympathy, because I totally understand the part where your children are the center of your life.

You mention that none of the assistances you apply for have worked because you own that house. If you are not making anything from it, can you have your name removed from the deed? You'd be giving up ownership of a valuable asset, but if owning it is actually hurting your life and not helping, then you may want to consider that.

Can you get any kind of student assistance? An education program for additional training would help you get a better job, make more money, buy a car, and provide all of those things that your kids get with your ex. If your situation right now means that you are without them for the time being, use that time to change your circumstances! Would you feel better about yourself and your decisions if you knew you were working toward fixing it? Even a 9 or 12 month program in medical assisting, or legal clerking, or secretarial skills would offer you the opportunity to make more than minimum wage.

Good luck, D.. I know it's hard, and heartbreaking.

Hey there D.,
I read your letter and can feel your pain not knowing if you will ever be ale to provide for them correctly. Your x may have all the material things, but you are still mommy. You never forget that and especially make sure your kids never do.

I do want to suggest one thing. I was just like you hard on cash, and I was able to start doing easy data entry work online. (I take it you have internet access if you posted here.) The site I go through is www.getafreelancer.com
I've been doing it for about 2-3 months, and it does good to bring anywhere from an extra $20-$50 a week. It IS NOT some get rich quick thing..you actually do real work, but when I get down to single digets in the check book, it comes in handy.

Do you have family close by? Where abouts are you? Drop a line if you ever feel like venting or if things just get too hard and you need to talk. We all have to stick together when times like this are around the corner.

Best of luck,
Keep your head up!
M.*
____@____.com

Please do not stop seeing your children because you can't provide for them the way your ex does. Be happy that he is a part of their life,and is able to provide so well for them.
You are the only Mommy that they will ever have,and even if you can't provide everything for them, you can provide them unconditional love,which beats out anything that money can buy.

My ex husband signed off his rights to my children,and seeing the heartache that they go through is very heart breaking.
Always know that no matter what happens in our lives our children should be oour hope and inseration.....

I hope I helped, T..Mother of 2 wonderful challenging kids, Ages 5yr old boy,and a 6yr old girl

First off...(((BIG HUG)))

Been there done that..wow.

Okay...take him back to court for a modification of the custody order...or petition the court and file contempt charges against him since the order is not being followed. These petitions can be found online according to what county you live in. Then if you two own a house and it's getting rented out, YOU SHOULD BE GETTING HALF THE RENT. You could sell him your half of the house as another choice. (to buy a nice car/mini-van)

There are two things from me I want you to remember...God loves you...and most men will use their children after a divorce and try to be the "perfect Daddy". It doesn't last.

I feel your pain and I've been through it too many times. Watching the last guy have the life he promised you with someone else. It stinks and it's not fair. Try to keep your personal feelings aside and treat this situation as a business..do what you gotta do for you and the kids to survive....modification of the custody order, increase child support, alimony, take a stand, take back "control".

Keep me posted. I have filed and filled out all these forms before and have a legal background in criminal and civil law...that and I'm a divorced Mom of four.

Nanc

If you both own the house together that he is renting out then you are entitled to 1/2 of the rent he is receiving. Unfortunately, I don't know the stipulations of your divorce/custody case. I don't see how you can't afford to have your kids on your weeks. Your ex should accomodate you for those weeks and drive them to you.
If I were you, I'd go back to the court. Call the courthouse and find out how you can get a lawyer pro-bono.

I wish I had more advice for you. I know its hard for you- but keep calling the kids. Be there for them as much as you can (even if you can't physically be there)

D. I can't even imagine how hard it is to make this desicion. I myself tried one time to leave my husband and all thought about was is how I'm going to support my 4 children. Have you ever think about that not all in life is material things is the love you have and the little you might have in the long run it will be rewarding. Your children are going to get used to living the comfortable life and they might not like being with you because they can't have what dad gives them. You have to teach your children the value of love and to be grateful of what they have. All you wanted was a family for your children but guess what you are their family you don't have to have both parents to make it work believe I was raised by my mother and she and my sisters and brother were the family and yeah we went through hell but at the end I'm very grateful for all the little things my mom gave me. What makes you think that they will be happy having everything but the most important thing they might want they can't have and is you. Remember a mother is only one and that is you don't let another woman raise your children. Do you have family that could help you out, friends. Diane don't give up there is lots of places where you get help depending on were you live. Please keep in touch. God Bless You and your children. Have faith and God will reward you.

M.

I suppose i can understand a little bit of what you are saying. But the truth is, i don't get it. If he has money why is not giving you the accurate amount of child support? If the house is in both your names, you could tell him it's time to sell so i can get on my feet better. What is wrong with picture? Look i know it's hard, but your kids may not be having a better life there. It's just "more". You can give your kids the best thing they need, you. You are thier mother and while it's awesome that they get along well with Dad and step-mom (really is important) you're the one they need. I have been there. My ex's are loaded. I am not. I work for pennies and they all make over 100,000. Though my ex is the black sheep in the family and doesn't even pay child support. That's another "advice"....Anyway, i totally appreicate the influence my kids family have on them. I appreciate all they give them because i can't, but they will never/can never be their mom. I am. I buy second hand, i struggle, had the lights turned off and i am their mom. It's ok, for them to see you struggle, they will appreciate life and you so much more. My boys do and they tell me. Good luck.

L.

Keep doing what you're doing, D.. I know it's hard, hard as hell. Been there, done that. It's a horrible empty feeling and that's not going to change! But since you know they're set where they are and the stepmother's kind to them too, MAKE SURE you call them every night, talk to them, ask them about their day, about school, about upcoming tests at school, show them your priority is THEM and their priority should be to each other and to devoting themselves to getting an education. You keep that and you've have done the best you can. In the meantime good luck getting on your feet, I know it's not easy. He's a real prick to not help you out a little, and the kids should be with you more, that's for sure. For a while I used to drive to my ex's house every morning 35 minutes away to wake them up and make them breakfast, they loved that! If you can sneak in some extra time to see them, do it. They'll remember your effort. Meet them after school if you can, help them with homework. How far away from them are you? Would it be impossible to spend about an hour with them EACH day, somehow, somewhere, where it doesn't cost you? Does your x and his new wife mind if you're in your kids rooms, hanging out with them for a bit? My ex's new wife HATES me and whines to him if I'm in her house, but doesn't dare say a thing to me. I have the decency to knock, but will go in and hang out in my sons rooms and watch tv or just hang out with them for an hour or so, that doesn't take any money or much time, and it counts for QUALITY TIME... good luck!

I'm a divorced (and remarried) mom, so I know how hard this is. The first thing you need to do is go to family court and petition for child support. He's obviously employed and making decent money, and either way he's required to pay you support especially if he's making more money than you are. When I first filed paperwork with the family court I just had to go down there and get the papers, fill it out, and that was it. I don't recall having to pay anything for family court. It's at least a start. If he's not compensating you AND he's not giving you half the rent (which you deserve) for a home you both own, then I would highly recommend you asking about what you can do about that. I don't know all the details, but you should at least call and find out your rights from family court. I wish you all the best.

Hi D.,
First I just want to tell you that I am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. I cannot even imagine the pain you are feeling. But I'm responding to you because I can relate in the way that you want to be able to give your children everything you can, and what you're doing right now just isn't working. That's why I want to introduce you to my team called Stayin Home & Lovin It. They are helping me build a home-business so I can be home full-time with my 3 year old daugher soon. We are a great group of people (mostly Moms) who have made the choice to change our lives for the benefits of our families while at the same time helping others do that same. I think this opportunity could be right for you. You seem to be at a point in your life where you want things to change for the better. The circumstances you described sound to me like our team and what we do could be a perfect fit for you. Please click the link below for more information or email me at ____@____.com
Sincerely,
L.
Working Mom Helping other Moms
http://www.stayinhomeandlovinit.com/cgi-bin/team.cgi?id=A...

Thanks for sharing your story. Thank goodness that your children are in good hands with your ex and his wife. This is an excellent time for you to do the things that you need to do in order to be the mom that you want to be (happy, successful, wealthy). You sound like you are giving them more time to be with the kids because of finances but you don't have to do it. You can use your time away from them to improve your life.

You need to pray and do affirmations, read books about dynamic people, listen to relaxing music and anything that makes you happy in order to prepare you for the greatness that lives in you. You have the power to realize your Mom Dreams and Your Personal Dreams. I am a single mother who is dedicated to balancing family and career and it is very challenging but I can't give up. I am proud of you and encouraged by you. You are on your way to the life that you desire and no one else is in charge of that.

M.
Founder of Mamihood
http://www.mamihood.com
http://www.myspace.com/mamihood

I know that what you are going through is hard. I have to say that I give you a lot of credit for being able to recognize the benefits that your ex and his wife can offer them. On one hand, I want to tell you that your kids don't need a lot of material things. Although material things are fun, at the end of the day they don't amount to a whole lot. You have something very valuable to share with your children - your love. When they grow up, they will remember the expensive things that daddy bought them AND they will remember that mommy was willing to get up at the crack of dawn to make them green eggs (Um, ew...lol). They will remember daddys big house and they will remember mommys dedication and love - they WILL remember that you call them every night.
You sound like a great mom. And the daddy sounds like a great dad. You both love your children. So, if you can't take care of them the way that they need financially (ie food shelter cloths) then dads house is the next best place. Work hard, get yourself back on your feet, live within your means (even if that means moving and getting a new job...), take your children as often as you can, continue to call them every night (you could also try sending them letters/pictures as well as calling them every night...kids love to get mail). I'm hoping that your relationship with your ex at least allows for conversations about your abilities and intentions - talk to him about what is going on (without whinning or expecting him to save you) and tell him what you want. Get every agreement in writing and avoiding emotionally charged conversations.

I think that you'll do just fine. You'll get through this!

You are doing the right thing right now, what is in the best interest of your children. I commend you for that, but I also feel your pain in not having your children with you. I'm sure all will work out for you.

Since you are divorced, was there any stipulation in your court documents that your ex would have to sell the house or remove you from the mortgage? There should have been something so that you can get that debt/asset from underneath you. I would check into this and see what can be done. That would be helpful to you and then possibly you would be elligible for some services. Good luck.

Well $ don't make good parenting. You own a house with him means the rent should be 1/2 yours or just sell the house & split the $.He has to realize kids need both parents

I have a great opportuity to share with you. I can't do it here but you are welcome to e-mail me at ____@____.com goes for anyone else reading this as well. Its not going to get you rich fast but it can give you the extra money you need. Before you try and get them back you need to get on your feet so that you can show your children that you can give them what they need. I know most people are going to say to just hang in there but its a lot more than that. You can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can do somethng about it. Since you do not have the kids very often this gives you tons of time to get out there and do what you have to. Its all going to depend on how bad you want it. If you are from a small town like i am, i know its hard. I have to travel to VT to work, but i make 11.80 at my regular job. Plus I am doing the other thing that i would love to share with you. So it is possible to make it, you just have to be the one to get out there and do something about it. You are the only one that can make that decision. Write down your goals and place it somewhere that you can read it every day. It is said that some one that writes down their goals has a 90% chance of reaching them and some one who does not only has a 7% chance of reaching them. Now that is a huge difference. I hope this helps you out. Keep your head up and don't back down for any reason.

L. S