Trying to Help My Sister In-law.

It sounds like your right on! I would try and tell your sister as nicely as possible that your only telling her this because you care. I would start out with a compliment "I think your a great mother"...... then say you think the boys behavior is a cry for help or whatever because he misses mommy. Say how wonderful the child is in your care or whoever elses and that she should atleast try spending more time with the child and see if that helps before turning this into a misdiagnosed medical problem. Just wondering also how he is in school? You could almost say she's neglecting her children emotionally on that.

BTW I've been meeting, seeing , or hearing about alot of parents doing the same thing lately or partying all the time. And everyone of these types I've noticed has horribly behaved children. I feel so bad for the kids in these situations. Once your a parent your life should change and adjust and partying every weekend isn't acceptable. Don't get me wrong I love to have a girls night out or go the bar once in awhile but I really enjoy taking my little girl to do something fun too. I'm not a parent because I have to be I'm a parent because I want to be and there is a HUGE difference in that statement.

How long has this been going on? I also wonder how he is in school. And everyone makes the mom sound bad for not spending time with the boys, but where's the father in this scenerio? Nothing's mentioned about him.
I agree, though, that he probably is looking for more attention from mom.
No need for confrontation. I would do what the others have said. You might also suggest to your SIL and BIL to really reinforce positive behaviors, no matter how small, rather than giving him attention for negative behaviors.

I know this may sound harsh but I think your sister in law needs to grow up and face the responsibility of being a parent. You are wonderful for watching the children for her and helping to raise them in a proper environment where they are taken care of and shown love. If they boy doesn't act up like that for you or the mother in law that says to me that he has issues with his mother. Maybe he is acting out and doing those things to get some attention from her. Granted we all like to go out and do "adult things" without our kids, but it sounds like she is taking things a bit far. I am a single mom, and yes I would like to go out more, but my son comes first, as her boys should. I wouldn't worry about her being upset with you for saying something, maybe it's time somebody did. She needs to stop using you and the mother in law to raise her kids for her. The only thing I'm wondering about is if she does get "ticked off" and thinks you don't want to watch her kids anymore if she will let the boys stay with other people in not as good as an environment as being with you. If she is only asking you and the mother in law to watch them maybe she has no one else.

Be honest with her. Let her know that you love your nephews very much and don't mind watching them but she should really start trying to spend quality time with her children. They need to have that child-parent time. He is lashing out at her because she obviously isn't giving him the attention he needs. You can even suggest to her a couple of fun things they can do together. Read a book together, play a boardgame, play a video game with him, or take a walk around the block together and talk about the day,whatever is fun and requires just them. It doesn't have to be all day. at least 30minutes to an hour a day of quality time with your child should let him know that he is loved.The key is to suggest and not to make her feel like she is doing something wrong.You just want to help.

Hi S.!!

You don't say what is going on with the father. I am guessing that he is not in the picture. I went through something similar with my daughter because her father is not always around and I had to work a lot to support her.

If I were you, I would start out by asking your SIL what she wants for her child. If you find out her why, you can say "do you think X is a good way to get what ever the why is". It gets people thinking and you are making her focus on what she wants for her child and what she needs to get it.

Anyway, after that you can bring up how you are concern and you think that your nephew is acting out of anger because the father is not around alot and you think that her child needs reassurance that she is not going anywhere/going to leave him. I am not sure how often she goes out or how long you watch the nephew on the weekends. It is hard to advise without that knowledge. If she is not going out a lot, then you have every right to refuse to watch him but I wouldn't make a judgement on her social habits unless you see it endangering her children. Your life style adjustments are your choice, that doesn't mean she has to make the same one. You have a different life than she does and a husband (again, I am guessing she doesn't). She may very well get lonely for adult company; I know I do as a single mom.

Now, if she is going out all weekend and spending no time with your nephew, that is a different story. At that point I would compromise with her and say we will watch him one night but not the whole weekend because you see that he misses her and wants to spend time with her (also use that why here) if that is what you want to do.

Good luck!! I hope that helped.

I agree with what the other two mommy's have said. He does not have ODD, he may be defiant, but he is only showing her how disappointed he is with her not being there. He is most likely confused about who "mommy" is. Mommy is the one that is supposed to be the primary care taker. When mommy isn't around a lot then the child will act up. He just wants some mommy and me time. When she gives him that he will change with her. Also, she should have a talk with him about how she feels when he hits her or pours water on her. If he does it again she needs to tell him, until he gets it, that it makes her unhappy or hurts her feelings.

I did daycare in my home for a family of 3. The children were horrible at home, everyone I spoke to about them would say "how can you handle those kids?" Well, they got attention when they were with me, so they were well behaved for the most part...they were the typical 4 year old twins and 1 yr old child. Wonderfully behaved, no bottle, diapers (older kids), or tantrums when they were with me, but when mommy came back the screaming starts, they need diapers again (which they were in almost until 5) and they still had bottles...at 4! but that's a whole other story!! My point is once she got them home she would corall them in the living room and work on her at home job. In a child's mind, negative attention is better than no attention so the kids would act up just to get a reaction from mommy, get hurt to get kisses from her...The children called me mommy on occasion (a few times a day) I would correct them, but they persisted with it. They never had mommy so they clung to the one that showed them the most love and acted out to show frustrations to mommy. Which I think is why your nephew is good for you and your husband and Grandma.

I am a single-ish mother and until recently I raised my daughter on my own. Daddy is still incarcerated so he was no physical help, I worked 3 jobs at a time at some points and I can fully understand how she just wants to get away after working all week, but she needs to put her son first. Spend Friday night and Saturday day with him...go out Saturday night...there is no reason to go out both nights or for a whole weekend, unless your child is with you.

Someone should say something to her about her going out. But is should be her brother, not you. Things mean more (negative things) when coming from the blood relatives. This way it will not cause friction between you and her.

Your husband should talk with his sister next time she asks him to watch the kids.

She does need to 'buck up' and be a mom...

Have your husband tell her that things may be different for her if she spent time with her kids, instead of going out. My husband has childhood stories of how his mom would go out and get drunk even to the point where she would bring strange men home...no child should have to deal with that. No child should have to go to aunties again of grandmas again because mommy wants to go out..I would probably react that way to someone too, if they kept pushing me aside. She somehow needs to be an example for her kids and going out to have fun isn't the way to give them structure...

sorry, I probably got a little carried away with my post, I just have trouble with people going out and their kids suffer for it

*I heartily agree with everything Beth H. said!*

I have a friend who also does this. She's out nearly four nights a week, sometimes calling me as late as 11:30pm to come pick her up and go out with her. Her children are also behaving as you've described your nephew. I personally think that a little more attention on Mom's part would straighten things right out. Once we're moms, it's ok to still go out with our friends once in a while, but this seems a bit excessive. (This coming from personal experience, I was like this when my son was younger)

I would tell your sister-in-law exactly what you just told us. His behavior is fine when he's with you or grandma, but when he's at home, he's obviously seeking Mom's attention. Maybe offer that instead of going out on Saturday's when you'd be watching her kids, invite her to stay and have dinner with you all. This way she still gets to relax, but she also gets to see her family. If she doesn't go for that, explain that you're worried about her and the boys, and you want to help her de-stress while still being able to be with them.

Beyond that, there's nothing you can do except tell her you won't watch them as often anymore. It's not fair to you and your husband to lose your personal time so she can go party it up. It's also very hard on her boys, and in the long run, is only going to hurt their relationship.

Just be as honest and caring as possible, but stand your ground. How does your mother-in-law feel about it? Maybe she would have more insight in this situation. I hope all goes well for you and your sister-in-law. Let us know how things go. :)