Tween Girl and Mom Friend Drama

Please get to the library or bookstore and get the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes." It will shed a lot of light both on your daughter and on M, and the whole dynamic they're developing. M is a queen bee. And she has a sting that will get worse.

M. is not "harmless" as you put it. Though I'm also not saying she's going to grow up to be dreadful -- she could be a great kid overall and turn into a wonderful adult, as you'll see when you read the book -- I am saying that right now, right here, it's time for your daughter to move on and do some activities that will get her closer to other friends, old or new. The summer break can be a big help here: Unless you already shelled out unrefundable big bucks for the camp, you could consider finding something else for your child to do that week (if your girl has her heart set on it, I would still let her go; but if she is ambivalent, give her the "out" of saying, "It's your choice and it really truly IS all right if you choose to do something else.").

Have plenty of play dates this summer with other friends, and maybe a very few with M. if the girls get along OK one on one (no group play dates with M or she will work to be the center of attention). Have activities for the kids to do, whoever is over - specific things like crafts your daughter has chosen and organized, events to attend, etc. rather than a ton of hang-out time that ends up in words exchanged and tears flowing.

I'm sorry there's no option for another class to separate these girls. So there is only one GT class in the school for this grade? That is tough. I would just ensure that your daughter has lots of activities that do not involve M (if they're in the same GS troop, have you talked privately to the leader about M's behaviors and asked for her help ensuring that M does not dominate everyone? A good leader should already be aware of that tendency and should already be curbing M if she runs over other kids' feelings or hogs the limelight!).

The party sounds like it's wounding you as much as, maybe more than, it would wound your daughter. Do not resent your friend whose daughter is going -- there are parties all the time and you know there's no reason to resent a parent who lets an invited child attend; just because your friend also sees M is a queen bee does not mean your friend's daughter must be made to stay home in solidarity with your own daughter. Let the whole party thing go or it will be your daughter who catches flak if other kids find out her mom said something to M.'s mom. M's mom sounds like a piece of work herself, and if you confront her about your child not being invited, she likely will tell her daughter and that will ramp up the drama among the girls. Silence is the best option here for you.

Do look at the book and see where your daughter is on the spectrum of friendships and not-so-friendly relationships. There will always be girls like M. so teach your daughter how to handle these kids for herself, because you can't always be there to defend her -- nor should you.

I guess my only advice is going forward NOT to allow yourself to be pressured into another activity with this girl, such as the camp. Chances are, she may have asked other girls BEFORE asking your daughter, and they all said no, which is why this mom put on the pressure.
As far as the party stuff goes, you need to get used to it, that's going to happen a lot over the next several years. Girls are always changing friends, changing activities and groups, it's constantly morphing. You can't take it personally, because it's NOT personal, and you should not resent a friend just because her daughter got invited to a party that you daughter did not. That just makes you seem petty and immature.
Keep loving and supporting your daughter and try not to worry so much about her feelings getting hurt, because it will happen a lot. Instead of feeling sorry for her, empower her, teach her how to stand up for herself. For example, when her friend stapled her report over your daughter's your daughter should have said, excuse me, my report is already in that spot, and then taken it down and handed it back to the girl.
If you don't teach her how to assert herself now she's going to be miserable in middle school. Mean girls are very adept at controlling and manipulating girls who are weak and desperate to fit in. Don't let your daughter be one of those girls!

I don't know how you get past the snub yourself, but you owe it to your daughter to sit her down and tell her the ugly truth. She needs to know what this girl has done.

You mentioned that the girl is "harmless", but I would say that stapling her work on top of your daughter's work is NOT harmless.

Tell your daughter that you have tried not to tell her who and who NOT to be friends with, but this is kind of the straw that broke the camel's back. Ask her to rethink her friendship with this girl. They will still go to school together and see each other, and not a lot has to be different, but you wish that she would change the way that she THINKS about this girl being a real friend. She is a user and a poser, and it's time for your daughter to understand this.

Dawn

How to get past this snub: time to sit your daughter down and explain a few things that might have been good to have explained in the moment. First, everyone needs to stop making excuses for M's poor behavior toward others. Stapling her report over your daughters? Excuse me?! That would have been a conversation with daughter "Wow, how did that make you feel?" (probably hurt, sad, angry...) "Do you think someone who cared about you would do this to you?"...

SH (a poster on this site)has written a lot on teaching children how to discern friends from users, and I hope she might chime in with more particulars. M is a user. M is not putting your daughter's feelings on an equal level as her own. I'm not saying she's not putting your daughter first (which is a bit to expect at this age from some kids), she's just outright using your daughter as a pedestal for her own self-esteem AND then demeaning her. It's high time to speak up. Talk to your daughter about the qualities of a friend vs. what she's seeing with M.

It's okay to let her be hurt by this girl, in this semi-contained way. She may not open her eyes to this situation otherwise. I hate to say it, but it's far better she learns this now than waiting until middle school, where kids can be so much meaner. I'd also suggest that if your daughter decides that she doesn't want to do the camp, let her make that choice.

Also, consider figuring out how you can get assertive when you are being picked on. Set that example. One line you wrote really stood out to me: "I don't stand up for myself because when I finally do, I'm end up offending the other person ". I've been there, and I know how hard it is--always not wanting to be considered the problem, even though someone else is making problems big-time. One very good counselor told me that learning to stand up for yourself is a lot like learning how to land a plane. **You are going to need practice before you are able to do it gracefully, but you won't get the practice unless you do it.** And then he said "sometimes, H., you are just going to have to land the plane on them. And then you just do it-- land the plane on them." It does get better! Once you get past the idea that a person who is being offensive isn't being considerate of your feelings--well, it's easier to forgive yourself if you do happen to "land the plane" on them. Model this for your daughter, and it will be good for both of you.

Your daughter's "friendship" does need to be dissolved. The relationship itself will hurt her more in the end than having to face the party situation is now. I would wait until your daughter actually comes to you with this problem. You can explain to your daughter, if she is hurt, that not all children are nice, and that it is good to have friends who are good people who do good things. Best of luck!

K.
Licensed Teacher
Mother of two grown children

My sister has dealt with a family like this at her school for I think 5 or 6 years and it never gets better. Same idea of her daughter and this girl being good friends but drama caused by the other family who is also hyper competitive and of course their daughter is the best at everything and can do no wrong. My sister is VERY easy going and good with people yet has been stumped by this family and very often angry. Now the girls aren't really friends anymore at least. Unfortunately, no advice except to know you're not alone. Hopefully you're in a bigger school (sister's kids are in tiny private) so you guys can eventually get away a bit. Do that as much as you can and in the meantime, you're entitled to be angry and upset but do your best not to waste energy as there's really nothing you can do. I think your daughter is old enough though to start hearing the truth and being encouraged to move away from this girl. And I wouldn't do nice things for them anymore. But - my oldest is SO forgiving of friends. Way way more than I could ever be and ever was as a kid. And I think she's lucky to have this temperment. No wasted energy on being mad etc. So if your daughter knows what this girl is like but wants to continue to be nice to her bc she has a big heart, in the end not a bad thing... Sorry. This sucks and you're in a bit of a lose lose situation right now so just try to be as rationale as you can and know in the end, these people are the losers.

Sounds like a classic case of fruit and trees. Coconuts come from coconut trees. This girl will be like her parents. Oh well.

You talk much about how you feel but you haven't tapped into where you kid is with her feelings. This is key to this situation and relationship. If you daughter is not bothered by it and is still her normal self then it's fine. However I would get my daughter involved in different activities and interactions with different people so she can blossom separate from this weed of a girl.

As for the party, I may just plan an active day fo fun for my daughter that was just over the top fun. This way she has her own story to tell about the fun she had on party day. This way she won't feel snubbed or awkward.

This day of fun doesn't even have to be expensive but it does have to be something amazing that she always wanted to go or go. Only you can tap into your girl's heart and find out what that is. Once you have done this also make it clear to your daughter that she gets to choose her friends and to choose friends whose character matches her own.

It is so hard to get over someone/something that is hurtful to our children. I would rather poke myself in the eye than see my child(ren0/grandchildren unhappy!

I think you need to look at M and her mom a bit differently. They obviously lack self-esteem and confidence and they are jealous of your daughter. Apparently she has some traits that they WISH they had.

That is how I would approch it with my GD if we were in this situation. Once she found out about the party (and I WOULD NOT be the one to tell her) then I would suggest to her that she see M and her mom as people who really require our sympathy because they obviously are not the people they wish they were; they are obviously jealous of your daughter; and your daughter out to feel proud that people want so much to be like her and that people see her as a person to emulate. Tell your daughter that she was probably not invited because she is more popular and her presence would take some of the attention away from the birthday girl.

Just be very upbeat and don't let on that it bothers you. She will take her cues from you - put out the right ones.

It's hard being a parent and wanting to protect them, especially to a girl. Girls can be so catty.

I would not have allowed my daughter to make full choices on friendships. They need to be guided and in this case she wants to fit in and is being manipulated but she's too young to understand fully. So it's up to you to explain to her that this girl is not a true friend. She needs to be cordial but she must stick up for herself. I'm sure people have let her get away with this behavior for so long she now thinks it's ok. I would explain that this is not proper behavior for anyone, especially for a "friend". You do not want your daughter growing up and being walked on. You can even do role playing so she can practice how to talk to others in an appropriate manner. Telling a child what to say and doing it are two different things.

I would mention to the other mother, psycho outburst or not, inappropriate behavior. You don't have to lash out but just express how you feel. If she gets nasty then walk away or turn your back. I would also ask the other mother why your friend is allowing her child to attend the brat's party if she doesn't approve of the girl and her parents. I'd remind her that allowing her daughter to attend is showing approval of poor behavior. Fitting in isn't a good enough reason to go to a brat's party and expose your child to more poor behavior for them to pick up on. If enough parents stand up and refuse the BS maybe, just maybe, the child and the parents will decide to be kinder. I would also talk to the teachers and demand they not allow such behavior in the classroom, like the girl covering up your daughter's work. The teacher should snap on that girl immediately!

K. B
mom to 5 includig triplets

I'd ignore all of it and have your daughter invite a friend or two to the movies that day. As for your closest friend...I dont think she should have to make her daughter not go to a fun party, although maybe it might be nice for her to let her daughter know her friend is being excluded and let her decide if shed rather do something special wit your daughter that day...BUT thats a tough position to put a kid in. what would you do if your friends daughter was excluded?