Recently, my husband received an unsolicted Christmas list from his daughter's (age 15) mom for his daughter. In addition to that, she also sent the list for her other child (not my husbands). These two rarely talk, if ever (maybe twice a year and that's to book travel). I asked him if other people were on the distribution, but he can only see his name...if there were any BCC - we can't see them.
The list is very specific and not fun (no CD's, electronics, etc.). It's all very practical and detailed (ie - sizes in jeans including styles and colors, shoe size and what brands, shirts including brands and specific graphics, etc.). The list for her other daughter is the same.
I don't think we've ever send "bad" gifts in the past. We've called Emma before, asked what she wanted and used that as our shopping list. I don't know if we should bother calling or send what she's hinted in e-mails and FB. It sounds like Emma and Kenzie have no school clothes, shoes, etc.
Also...do we send something for Kenzie? She is 9 years old and up until she was 10 months old, hubby was led to believe she was his. But that was proven otherwise. We haven't sent Kenzie anything in years...But I'm at a loss this year. It's never bothered me - but I'm wondering if they legitimately don't have bras, panties, jeans, etc. and that's why these items are on their "Christmas Wish List". What child wishes for underwear?
Thanks Mamas!
Thank you EVERYONE for your input and opinions, it helps to see things from other angles, not to mention it helps in my writing (ie - I came off as Ba-humbug for not adding one child to the gift list). Although I didn't know it at the time, my question was a loaded one. Thank you for answering everything!
Hubby got to talk to Emma and as usual, she has nothing to say. But we got from her what she most wanted (and bras / panties were not on the list). He doesn't talk to the Mom much and after discussing it with hubby, she does something like this on a different level every year (ie - she sends Emma in clothes too small, outdated and stained) and we always re-load her with new things when she goes back.
I think it will all work itself out - as it always does...and we move on. Merry Christmas!!!
I would call and ask her if these are the things she wants. Also, include the other little girl because she didn't choose to have this mom and no dad. After seeing what my younger neice has gone thru in a similar situation I just know she wanted someone to acknowledge her as part of a "family" no matter how weird it may be.
Merry Christmas
DH
15 year old girls are expensive. The good thing is that teenage girls always want new clothes, shoes, accessories & they usually love these things over electronics. The other thing is that mom is probably starting to get financially drained having two girls that are in the stage & world of 'looking good is everything'.
Another thing I think of by what you posted is that it doesn't sound like dad lives near daughter which probably means that he is not an every other weekend dad. If this is the case then he is not 'relieving' mom of the entire financial burden like he would if he had daughter every other weekend. When a dad takes the kid every other weekend that helps with so many financial burdens like: entertainment, food, maybe sometimes a shirt or shoes, a little cash, entertaining her friends, extra curricular expenses etc. If this is the case then I would suggest dad step it up a bit more with daughters expenses.
As for Kenzie, you don't mention if he stayed in her life even when he found out the truth. If he left mom right a way due to her deceit then he shouldn't feel any obligation. HOWEVER if he stayed involved in Kenzies life for ANY length of time then I think he should be including her in gift giving, after all it's not her fault.
There's too much unsaid for me to have anything resembling a definite answer, but here are a few thoughts. You don't say how young the girls were when your husband and their mother separated, or whether he's been paying any child support for his bio daughter. But…
If Kenzie ever thought of your husband as her father, then it would be a little cold-blooded of him to give a gift only to his "blood" daughter. Young children don't think of their parents in scientific terms. If she thought of him as Daddy, then it probably strikes a blow to her heart every time her sister gets a gift and she doesn't.
Other thought: Fun gifts aside, most high-school-age girls (and many boys and younger children as well) are extremely clothes-conscious, and if that list includes items THEY chose, then they would make good gifts. Dressing the modern high-schooler can get expensive if parents indulge their fashion desires. That doesn't necessarily mean your husband should be limited to gifts chosen only from that list, however.
Fashion aside, does your husband know whether his ex (girlfriend? wife?) is keeping it together financially? If she's struggling as so many parents are these days, she may be providing the lists as a way to relieve financial strain on her family. Does he provide any support, at least for his own daughter? Modern ethics holds that a father should have some financial responsibility for their children, regardless of family configuration.
From her list it sounds like she is hurting financially and desperately seeking help OR just feels Daddy is not contributing to half of the daughter's financial needs and is seeking to balance that out by having him help pay for her clothes. How much is Daddy paying in child support? Maybe when you call Emma asking for HER list, try to find out if something is going on. Ask her what she wants AND what she needs and see what she says.
As for including the younger sibling, I'd send her a little something fun or a small gift card just to be nice but you certainly are NOT expected to buy her clothes.
Call Emma and ask what she wants. I would feel weird if my dad and step-mom got me bras and panties. I'd rather have an i-tunes giftcard or Target giftcard so I can go buy what I want myself.
Kenzie - if you want to get her something, then why not. I agree with the other poster who said she might feel weird getting the cold-shoulder from someone she once thought of as "Dad."
I agree that if this email didn't say "Hello there Joe. Emma's and Kenzie's wish list is attached." Then perhaps it WAS sent out to many people and the ex felt like she might as well send it to y'all too. If I were sending a list to everyone, I'd say something like "Hey there. A lot of you have called asking what the girls want. Here's their wish-list." Did her email sound anything like these two scenarios?
I say call the 15 yr old and talk to her and see what she NEEDS and then ask her what she WANTS. Mention a sale on jeans or on socks and see if she says that she could use some more.
I do the same thing with my ex...it's funny you should post this. He does it to me too. The story is we are both raising grandchildren and live 130 miles apart and we don't get to see the others grandkids very often.
The two he has are 10 and 12. The ones I have are 7 and just turned 4. It is hard for me to know what they are wanting or needing, such as games for electronics, if I don't know what they wear or use. Same with him buying for these kiddos.
This year I gave him a list of some things we just cannot afford, they make 3-4 times the money we do and usually buy very nice useful gifts. I have no issues with previous gifts at all.
On our list was several movies, toys, games, etc...and a few clothing needs such as Soccer shoes, which Granddad is a big soccer fan (coaches both boys and plays) and knows the best ones to get.
He took the list and still bought what he wanted along with a few things on the list. He got a couple of the movies and a sit and spin for the little guy and then he bought a new bike for the girl and some other things on the list too. His wife is wonderful and she has lots of years in child care and knows just how to pick age appropriate stuff and what will really hold their attention.
I got a list from him too and he is getting both the boys new game systems so we are getting them some stuff from Game Stop.
As for the grandkids dads they usually just send cards with money/gift cards in them and we let the kids spend a portion of them on anything they want and then we buy anything they really need with the rest. Both dads pay regular child support too so the Christmas money is extra.
My daughter is still in rehab and even when she wasn't she never bought them anything or paid child support so I don't expect anything from her and we put something under the tree from her.
So, to sum it up, I like getting a wish list. It makes shopping very easy.
The ex may have been sending the list out to others who had asked what they wanted/needed and just copied you so you had it for your step-daughter too. Maybe you can call her to ask what is happening. Definately get her something she has asked for.
In the teenage years, everything gets more expensive. My nephew is 16 and we regularly give him cash (plus some token like guitar picks) so he can save up and get whatever he wants. It was even my sister's idea. You might send cash or gift cards. Definitely don't send underwear. And definitely send something to Kenzie. If she ever thought of your husband as her dad, it should be on a par with what you get his biological daughter. Don't make her pay for the mom's actions.
My 13 year-old love gift cards. She can buy what she likes (within my limits) and it gives her the grownup feeling of being in control and "paying". She's also learned to budget her spending. If she goes over the limit of the card, it comes out of her pocket. Her favorite stores are Forever 21, Target, Ross, and Payless. None of them I consider to be outrageous in price vs. value. If they really don't want underwear, these give them the option for something special.
Lol, so what's your question? I guess that I'm the mean one; I would totally ignore an unsolicited list and make her have to talk to me about what's going on. At the very least, there should be a note from the ex stating that these are gift ideas, in case we need assistance.
Regarding the other child, if you want to get her a gift, then you should. Otherwise, there is no obligation.
I don't see anything wrong with getting these girls each a gift. They are a part of your "family" even if it doesn't seem that way. Your husband's daughter's sister IS a part of his family because of the circumstances. I would feel bad for the sister if one got a gift and not the other. :( Christmas time is a time for love of ALL people and humanity and giving so my question would be why NOT give her a gift? We donate gifts to children we don't even know, so I think to be unsure if you should give this child a gift is silly.
As far as what to get teenage girls...I think a specific list is an AMAZING tool!! I received so many clothes that were "lame" from parents/grandparents every year that were eventually donated to Goodwill. Teenage girls LOVE clothes/shoes/fashion. Not all parents believe in endulging their children's every fashion whim throughout the year...maybe the mother is allowing them to have these sorts of things as special gifts instead of thinking having "every new fashionable shoe/jeans etc." is normal. Because it shouldn't be! I think that would be a great gift. Maybe not underwear, but some nice jeans, shirts, shoes etc. would be a great choice. And if you have brands, sizes colors etc then you will know they will like it. Without seeming rude I just think this question is a little BaHumbug if you cant add one child to your gift giving each year.
