Very Shy 5 Year Old

I taught elementary music for nearly 9 years and had plenty of kids like this who were otherwise normal, healthy, outgoing kids. (In fact, one of the most outgoing kids at the preschool where I now teach started crying and ran to his mom at the Thanksgiving program a few weeks ago.) It will probably take a while, since it's not like he performs every day, and it may never be great, but with some help from teachers and the two of you, I would imagine he'll get more comfortable. Please don't punish him. I can't imagine that doing anything but making it worse! (I was once a really shy kid one-on-one, and now I'm a musician and teacher who has very little problem speaking in public.)

I don't think there is really anything you can do. You might want to try getting him involved in a sport that he likes, soccer, pee-wee football, etc. Something like that might get him more outgoing and he'll make friends that like the same things he does. I have a 14 year-old daughter and she rodeo's, but she really doesn't have that many friends at all and we've been participating in rodeo for over 4 years.

It may take a couple of these occasions before he is ready to stand in front of all. Fortunately the elementary schools today take the opportunity to build on these events through each school year to get kids comfortable with performing in front of people. Each time will get easier. I would not consider this an issue to punish just a learning experience. You may want to discuss with the teacher to see if she has any ideas. You may want to try a summer program to learn acting where they perform a little play at the end of the week. This would not be as overwhelming as the entire school peering on. Has he tried a sport yet? This is not quite the same, but may help especially if it is a sport he enjoys. Don't worry.

Please do NOT punish for this. I work with this age group in Kindermusik, and when we have our class party (mini recital), if a child is too shy to do things with all the parents there, we never force them. Being around so many people can be terrifying to a shy child. He will get better as he gets older and understands "life" a little better.
My son was very shy and went to private schools all his life, so they were smaller than public school. He went to boarding academy his Jr. year of high school and came back a leader. He got into leading music from his guitar and singing up front. We couldn't believe the change in him. He is now in second year dental school and very confident and very much a leader. He loves being up front and is the leader in his church of the praise and worship band.

The best thing you can do with your 5 year old is help him discover what he is feeling. Children have a hard time telling us what they feel, but we can help them by saying "you were afraid when you saw all those people, weren't you." Then you can reassure him that you wouldn't let anyone hurt him, you wouldn't leave him so that he couldn't find you, etc. You will just have to figure out what's going on in his little head and reassure him. Tell him that someday he won't be afraid. Hope this helps...

Why would you punish him????? If he is shy then it is very painful to do things like getting in front of people. Maybe he has some sensory issues. Have you ever heard of sensory processing disorder? Google it and see if that fits your son. Just help him to build his confidence and be positive. If he finds he cannot do that then let it be. He is only 5 years old. Hopefully he will get more mature and more able to do this later. Not everyone is outgoing.
L.

I was very, very shy when I was little and the absolute WORST THING you can do is punish your sweet child for that!!!!!!!!!! So what if didn't want to be infront of a whole cafeteria of stranges! Think about it from his perspective being surrounded by all those grownups and kids he doesn't know would scare most kids.

I grew up to be very self confidant and outgoing, I participated in dance, high school musical and plays and enjoyed all of it, but I can promise you if I had been forced to do those things when I was little I NEVER would have learned to embrace those things, and certainly would have had severe issues had I been punished for being shy or afraid.

I feel certain that this is something he will out grow if given love and support. Just because your husband or you have certain tendencies doesn't mean that your child will, he is his own little person and you should embrace and love all of those special qualities he does have and then you can rest assured that you have helped your child become confident and secure with himself.

E.,

You've received such good advice regarding the punishment question. So I won't chime in there. I will offer a different perspective for the shyness question. The moms who have responded have (for the most part) told you that he will grow out of it eventually. I will submit that he may not grow out of his shyness. He is who he is. Not everyone learns to be comfortable in new situations. What the shy folks do learn is coping tools for the times that they are in the large groups or other uncomfortable situations.

I've seen lots of recommendations for sports or music classes. I will tell you what worked wonders for my son (now 23). He expressed an interest in martial arts. Tae Kwon Do was wonderful for him. The martial arts teach self-confidence and discipline. These are two qualities that really help to develop a person's skills. If you are in the Grand Prairie area, I strongly recommend Dr. Flury and the American Institute of Tae Kwon Do. (http://www.grandprairiefreekarate.com/) By the 5th grade, my son was a junior black belt, and had confidence in himself. This was priceless to us.

Best of luck.

Please Please Please don't punish him for running from his fear. Yes, encourage him to stand up and face his fears, talk about what being brave means (not that you aren't afraid) but nobody should be actually punished for being afraid.

My 7 year old has always been very shy with strangers. Even when someone just says hello to her, she hides. It's really annoying. No matter what we've done, she won't stop. I figure she'll just grow out of it.

Oh, please don't punish him. He is just a little boy that is unsure. I remember being a little shy when I was young, then I grew out of it. You may want to have him practice entertaining a crowd in your home. Maybe everyone in the house put on a play for family or dance. Do some silly performing everyonce in a while to get him used to the idea of performing in front of a crowd. It can be quite intimidating. I am sure he will grow out of it with time, patience and understanding.

E.,
Please don't punish your child. He wants to be successful and make you proud. He is just pushed beyond what he can manage in that situation.

Please look for the root cause of his issue. Do all noisy places upset him? Does he have more issues after he has eaten a certain food or perhaps not gotten enough sleep or had enough water? Does he struggle in the regular classroom? The questions and more could be the source of his issue. Once you can identify and resolve the root cause, you will see him blossom.

Look upon this as a blessing because it is his way of communicating to you that he has some needs.

D.
Mom of 8
www.parentswithpurpose.com

Absolutely do not punish him. Stage fright is a gut clenching fear not unlike having someone sit on you with a pillow on your face. He did h is very best to make you and his daddy proud - against that fear. You should praise his courage, not belittle it for not being 'enough'. Encourage his participation, but understand that it is an uphill climb for him - and may always be. It is a parent's job to stand behind to catch, not push - IMO.

S.

No he shouldn't be punished!Your child is an individual...his own personality. Just because you and your husband are outgoing doesn't necessarily mean he will be too. He's still little, only 5...and was it his first time being in front of a lot of people (parents and teachers and such)? It's perfectly normal for kids his age to react that way. My daughter takes dance and LOTS of the kids at their first recital were too scared to go on stage because of seeing all the parents there (much different than just when their class practices).
If it was my child...I would have gone to him/her and assured them they were safe. Asked why they were scared. Reassured them we were all there and everything would be okay. Asked if they wanted to go try again. And if not...okay.....then they don't. Try again next year. Not too great for you..especially if you wanted to share in the experience also..take pics of his first concert...but ....there's always next year.
I think it's worse when parents force their kids to go on stage...they start wailing...no one can hear over the kid crying, all the other kids are distracted...and everyone feels bad for the kid. If they don't want to go...(at this age) then don't make them.

My two cents.

I was a very shy child and my mom was very outgoing. Fortunately, she was a very understanding and loving person, too. Shy kids aren't going to change just because you want them to. You have to accept your child for the person he is going to be. You should not punish your son. He was afraid and he can't help that. He didn't make a choice to be scared, he just was and did what a child his age would probably do when they are frightened-run away. You can gently encourage him to be more outgoing, but not force and he may not change until he gets a little older. Good luck to your son and you!

This happened to my oldest. He is just shy and feels like everyone is looking at him. This has lessened as he has matured. I would advise that your child is just not ready for such an event. Wait a year or two before you start to worry! 5 is still a little kid.

I too have had issues with my 4 1/2 year old clamming up and hiding behind my legs when we are somewhere new or he is asked to do something solo. His new teacher said it was a discipline issue. She told me that he loves to play and engage with the other kids and has no problem in music or doing his oral work at school but is completely different when I'm watching. Her recommendation was when it's his turn to 'perform' either solo or in a group, then he needs to see me leave the room. I stand outside and peek in so he can't see me and he's done great! I have no idea why he's nervous to do anything in front of his parents, but it's working. Anyway, baby steps... this is working for us right now and as he gets older his confidence should grow. Good luck...I know it's frustrating!

Even tho you've received so many responses, I'll still jump in. My daughter was just like this all through preschool and kindergarten, and even now at 6, she still surprises me when she doesn't want to do something in front of everyone - and she is VERY outgoing!

I did try a couple times to go a day or so before the event to the place where it would be happening and show her where she would be and where I would be in the audience. It helped. My husband was VERY upset that she wouldn't participate, and would often get angry, and I tried to tone him down as every single teacher gave me the same advice all these moms and teachers are giving you. Hang in there! You are doing a great job!

As someone who was once that shy child... definitely don't punish. Being punished will do the opposite of fostering confidence. Encourage him to try new things and support him, but let him be who he is. He may surprise you and come out of his shell, or maybe not! Our kids aren't here to make us look good or be the people we want them to be. Foster his interests and talents and go from there! Good luck!

Hi E., I was once that shy kid. My parents paid for private flute lessons from a professional instructor from the time I was 7 until I was 11 when we moved out of state. Every 6 months the instructor held a recital and every recital I was scheduled to play a solo. Guess what though? The minute we would walk through the door I would freak out, cry, and refuse to play. Believe me, I wanted to play... I wanted to show everyone the beautiful music I could make but I honestly could not do it. It was not a matter of choice. Thankfully I had very understanding parents and a kind, patient instructor who never forced me into it. The only thing they required was that I sit in the auditorium and listen to everyone else play. Please do not punish your son for being shy, he may or may not outgrow it but by no means is it a choice!

I am still a very shy, private person. I have a wonderful life, a wonderful family, many many great friends, very outgoing kids who have allowed me to see the world through their eyes, and am 100% satisfied with my life. Your son will be too, just allow him to be him and support him all the way!

I taught K and 1st for many years and have three children of my own- two of whom were very shy. Please do not push your child or try to force him into situations outside of his comfort zone. I think the best thing you can do is to make the child feel more secure by acknowledging his feelings and offering him an alternative such as standing beside the teacher while watching the program , or helping to hand out programs with a partner. That way, he is still a part of the program but may feel more in control. As he grows up you can encourage participation a little at a time to build his self confidence. It is most important that he not feel that you are disappointed in him.

E.,
I have taught Kindergarten but I am now staying home to raise my 4 month old. Being shy like this is normal especially if he is an only child and has not been around a lot of other children. It might help if he finds a "buddy" within his classroom so he feels some sort of confindence and comfort. Maybe you can invite his friend over to the house or to the park. If he has a connection with someone within his class it may make him feel more secure and help bring him out of his shell a little bit.
Last year I had a student and she was so incredible shy! She barely talked and NEVER played with anyone outside unless they came to her and asked. Throughout the year she made friends within the classroom and by the end of the year she had such a vibrant and exciting personality. The other kids thought she was hillarious and loved being around her, she was the life of the party. Just give it time he will come around and before you know it he will be the "classroom star".

Please don't punish! He was afraid and didn't feel safe. Help him feel safe. Next time, if he feels unsafe, have him walk to you and sit with you during the concert. When he watches his friends perform, he may feel more comfortable the next time the opportunity will arise. Also, talk to his school counselor. S/he may have some suggestions for you. For example, my oldest son was very shy and we slowly brought him our of his shell by having him order his own food when we go out to eat. He would look the server in the eye and order. We'd also have him pay for his own Slurpee at 7-11. He'd also check himself in when he's go to the doctor or dentist. It worked wonderfully for us and I hope it will help you too. He is individual, so please do not punish him.

Bless his heart - definitely DON'T punish him! Encouragement and positive reinforcement is what he needs - he will learn from you and your husband how to be outgoing in due time..........love him TONS and TEACH him how to be outgoing - you can't just tell him to be that, he doesn't know how.....be patient and kind to him and tell him it's ok if he was afraid to go out there the first time....some kids just are......

Hi you have got some great advice. I have a 5 year old who is shy with grownups and in new situations. It was pretty bad in Pre-K...he seemed to act worse around me than when by himself...very clingy and refusing to participate etc. I started him in Suzuki piano lessons at 4. Now in K he is so much more confident and self assured and I think its bc he spent a year building some solid skills in music. It could have been anything but knowing he can do something well (in our case piano) has been a big self confidence booster. He does informal recitals about 4-5 times a year and his piano teacher also have group piano classes where he takes turns to play with a small group of kids (5 at the most). This helped his anxiety to perform in front of people or to speak up in a group. Slowly after 6 months he asked to be in the rectial bc all the other kids were doing it. Again his teacher had him go first to alleviate anxiety while waiting and he did great. Now he can actually sit and wait his turn to play and not fall apart. He is much more outgoing and asking to go have playdates without me present etc. This would have been unthinkable last year. so I reallyt think one way to build confidence is to give your child the opportunity to build some solid tangible skills in some area. We tried soccer and it was a disaster bc there were too many kids and it fed right into his anxieties. Piano was perfect bc it was one on one and now he is able to be part of recitals and get the group interaction too. Find something that your son really enjoys and do that with him and watch his confidence grow. he will outgrow this and be fine. You just have to be patient!

What do you do? You love him. Provide him a secure base. Realize that you are dealing with two separate issues. Shyness and stagefright are different. He should not be punished for either one.
Stagefright is the easier to deal with. Anyone (shy or outgoing) can get nervous in front of a crowd. Professional performers, who spend years honing their craft in front of crowds, get nervous. There are different coping techniques. I have come to think of it as energy. I know that I'm going to be scared. I acknowledge it and use the 'nervous' energy in performance.
I was always a very shy child. I wouldn't even talk to relatives, let alone new people. My mother probably did more to help me than anyone. She accepted that I was shy and didn't make me feel defective for it. She would gently encourage, but not force, me to meet people. Move outside my comfort zone. It wasn't until high school that I really made any noticeable progress. Two things happened. My mother suggested that I take a speech and drama class. She also told me that I needed to get a job. The only thing available was waiting tables. Talk about a crash course in dealing with people!
I would still consider myself shy. I particularly have a hard time meeting new people. Just like stagefright, I have learned to channel the fear elsewhere.

Do not punish him for his shyness. If he was misbehaving ie talking, causing a disturbance, I would punish him. YOu might enroll you son into a sports or music program to help with his shyness.

You have gotten some very sound advise, but I would like to throw this in for consideration: Self esteem comes not from what praise you receive, but what you do.

So give him lots of praise, love, encouragement, boundaries; but also watch him to see what he likes to do and foster his interests.

Definitely DO NOT punish him for being shy. Some people just cannot help being uncomfortable in front of groups. My husband still gets physically ill when he has to talk in front of a large group. I on the other hand could LIVE on a stage in front of as many people that wanted to watch!

Try asking him WHAT makes him uncomfortable about being on stage. Then work with him to work thru those fears. Maybe try enrolling him in cub scouts or martial arts. These are great activities that encourage personal growth in children.

D.
SAHM of three: 19,18, and 5
Home Baker and Candy Maker(see member perks). Married to the same wonderful man for almost 12 years.

You have received a lot of good advice.

I agree....DO NOT punish him. He will blossom in time with friends and at school.

Secondly, because he is an only child is not the sole reason he is shy. I have an only child (almost 14) and she has never been shy.

ALSO......it is scary to get on stage in front of people. Think about it... Would you be totally comfortable walking out on stage in front of a lot of people and cameras? I am a model and I grew up in the Miss America Pagaent system and as much as I have been on stage....I STILL get nervous heading out on stage....the what if's set in....what if I fall, what if I miss a note singing, etc. It is normal to have a little stage fright.

He will adjust and get more comfortable as he grows up.

Best wishes for your family!!

Some kids get so scared when being in a school program they actully throw up they get so nervous. Punishing him won't help, as he can't help it. Just because you are outgoing, doesn't automatically make him. If he is in little things, and learns it isn't so scary, as he gets older he will get better, but don't automataly think he will ever be like you or your husband. I am a mother of four children, and for years I didn't even want to get up in front of anyone and give my name. Punishing me would not of helped. I made myself do some stuff, but was never comfortable.

I would not punish him. I would encourage him and maybe try putting him in soccer or scouts our some other small group activity where he can start to become his own and gain some confidence. It's scary to be up on stage, worrying that you'll forget your lines/words to the music, etc. My son who is VERY outgoing actually got pale and sick to his stomach before a performance at preschool when he was 4, so I can't imagine how your son must have felt if he was already shy!