Shy Kid, Ballet Performance. SWH. She Did It!

It's hard when they are going through this stage.
Has she seen any other dance performances so she has an idea what it would be like as an audience member?
Perhaps this year she can sit it out and watch, and once she knows more about what it's like she'll feel better about participating next time.

For starters, google "devoted dad does ballet with 2 year old" - I won't post the link because people on Mamapedia frown on that, but I'll tell you it's a dad in a black tee shirt and light colored shorts, holding an even younger child, dealing with a reluctant performer. It's worth your time to watch! Your daughter might even like it - but you should watch it first.

Anyway, she's still so little, it was only a one week ballet program, and it's not realistic to think she'd feel like a pro at this point. What I would do is say she doesn't have to perform, but do take her to the program as a way to support her friends/classmates, as a way to be respectful to the teachers, and as a way to watch some ballet. Let her come to her own conclusion, that's she's not interested and is glad she sat it out, or perhaps that it wasn't so scary after all and she might participate in the future. I wouldn't lead that conversation. Just let it sink in and go from there.

I actually agree with her about "Oh you're so cute." We really will raise stronger and more resilient children (especially girls) if we don't base acceptance on their appearance and wardrobe. Maybe she's kind of intuitive and realizes that those comments are so superficial. While she can't express it fully, maybe she's not shy but rather quite perceptive that this is not something kids (and little girls in particular) should be complimented on. Maybe more compliments about her kindness, intelligence, hard work and so on are what she'll benefit from. I realize you can't control other people's comments, but you can have some snappy rejoinders (delivered with a slight smile) about valuing those things a child can control. That might do more to build her confidence in the long run than anything else.

this is a tough one, because i agree with you that it's important for kids to learn how to deal with uncomfortable situations, at least ones that they're likely to encounter over and over in life.

a ballet performance may not be a typical thing, but being on stage with others and being watched by an audience is likely to come up again.

i think it's very positive that in preschool and church she at least got up there.

i guess what i'd do would be to attend it with her, and probably refrain (with some difficulty) from making much over how great the performance goes and how wonderful the other kids look. just go and enjoy it with her. if the pressure is off she might start to see that it's not such a big deal.

performance anxiety is a pretty common thing. it seems overcome best when done on one's own terms, so making her do it is unlikely to do much good.

i don't think someone telling her she's cute is the end of the world. yeah, we don't want our kids to think that appearance is everything, but a pleasant remark on appearance so awful either. i'd certainly work with her on accepting it with a simple 'thank you', which will alleviate the awkwardness.
khairete
S.

Whenever these questions come up I say, put yourself in her place. Maybe it doesn't seem like such a big deal to do a little performance, maybe it will be "good" for her, or help her "deal" with fears. But really, imagine YOURSELF being pressured to do a completely non necessary public activity that terrifies you. Karaoke? Dancing in a kickline? Telling jokes in front of an audience? Would you benefit from someone making you "face your fears" like that? Probably not. In fact I'm sure you'd be pissed. I have a lot of sympathy because I was a theater kid, and a dancer and a cheerleader. I loved to perform. All of my kids hated it. I can't imagine forcing something on them that is supposed to be fun. You clearly understand who she is so please respect that.

Did you talk with her after these past performances making comments similar to next time make the hand motions. I'm proud of you. You'll do better next time.

Perhaps, feeding into her shyness is something like I'm not as good as the other kids. Perhaps something like people will know I didn't do this right.

I like the suggestion you let her sit this one out in the audience while not making comments, even if you're wanting to encourage her. Don't make comments about other performers either. Perhaps say you're glad she sat with you. Make sitting out no big deal and not a learning opportunity.

I've said to my daughter things like you made a committee. It's important to honor that commitment. This was when she took a Parks and Recreation class similar to what you describe.

Other times, I've talked about why it's important to be on stage, be a part of the group and then let her decide. Both have worked.

Now with my grandchildren,.I've realized that when I get excited about what is happening, they back off, maybe because they feel pressure to perform well to please me. They see my encouragement as making their performance as a big deal. I suggest that when they don't want to be on the stage, giving them the decision puts them back in control.

I would talk to her teacher and let her teacher talk to and encourage her. Let her teacher tell her she is an important part of the group and they really could use her to make a beautiful performance. I would also want her to feel like it was her decision.

I agree it is not the end of the world if she doesn’t perform but I would also think there would be part of her that will have regrets when she hears the applause and sees the other kids getting flowers after a job well done.

If it were my child and she still didn’t want to participate after the teacher talks to her I would actually see if I could bribe her. I believe it is in her best interest to be able to get up on stage and do this.

I would also enroll her in a drama program. (Check out Drama kids, to see if there is a location near you). Both of my girls were quiet and shy by nature. I enrolled them in drama classes and both my girls have been on stage in front of 1,000+ people. Getting up in front of others is a life long skill.

You made the right decision. Please do not try to then bribe her. Support her in her decisions. By feeling supported, she will eventually gain the confidence in herself to accomplish anything she wishes.

You have four smart posters as your first four answers below me - lucky you!

My answer includes a combination of some of their points.

First of all, she certainly must *watch* the performance at least. She needs to learn the value of supporting her "teammates" even when she herself does not want to be on stage.

Secondly, re: "facing uncomfortable situations" - as mamazita says, this is really like karaoke, in the grand scheme of things. Not something she really needs to be pushed to "face".

Lastly, I agree that no child of yours should be boiled down to "cute". If that's the most that someone can think of to say about her, they simply do not know her very well. I'm sure the commenters "mean well", but, maybe you could work with your daughter to come up with some fun "retorts": "I'm also a stunning piano player", etc.

ETA: Loved your SWH addition!
That's awesome! This is the best positive outcome :)
*******************************************************************

Just reading this now.

I have shy kids and I am shy. I get kind of bothered when people assume shyness is a 'bad' thing because it's a personality trait - just like blue eyes. It's not something to 'overcome'.

If your daughter doesn't like to perform - I wouldn't necessarily keep putting her in performance type activities. That's just me.

I have a child who loves music who is shy/reserved/introverted - a combination of traits (they don't always have to go together). She skips performances. She doesn't enjoy them, but certainly loves music. Playing music and performing on stage don't go hand in hand. Her teacher understands this and doesn't force kids. My child is not the only one.

She has done plays (her choice, because her friends did) and was a lead role and was able to and enjoyed it - but it is not her 'thing' and she recognized this. I did not force her to.

I would not ever force a child to do something that is not enjoyable or would cause them stress.

I had a child who was not an athlete. When they came to us at end of first game and handed us the soccer ball and said "Nope!" we un-registered them.

That's just my two cents' worth.

If she loves to dance, but doesn't like to perform - not sure I'd bribe. You could say instead that she could 'try' the dress rehearsal and see how she likes it. That's what I would do. She may enjoy it. I always tell my kids to give it a 'try' and see how they feel. They always try. Then they decide.

* Similarly - some kids love sports, but don't want to play on teams or competitively - there are always alternatives - some of mine play on teams, some have been quite content to play at home in backyard with friends and family. You can always adapt and teachers (like yours at camp) will be willing to work with your child in most cases. You will not be the only parent/child that feels this way you can be sure :)

I would encourage her to do the performance. Maybe ask the teacher to put in the back so she won't be seen clearly. But she really needs to overcome this. This is good practice for her to get up in front of people and perform. In life we all have to give performances, job interviews etc. She will have to learn to give speeches in school and maybe later in life. Everyone gets stage fright, even big name performers. I read that Barbra Streisand gets so nervous before every live performance she throws up and she conquered Broadway.
Maybe your daughter will never become a performer but she will have to get up in front of audiences and perform.

Edit: Congratulations! Another great result for letting your child take the lead. Please let me add that you think about continuing using that strategy. Just because she chose to participate this time, it does not mean that she will not be threatened by performing in the future. But with your acceptance of her choices, she'll be able to make the right choice each time. All my best.
____________________________________
Thank you! I have not read any of the other answers yet, but I did read your SWH.
I truly believe children should not be forced to perform. I conducted many a performance of young children, and always told the parents that practice was mandatory, and performance was a choice. I also had someone take photos at dress rehearsals, so would there be pictures of every child in the performance. Recognition that everyone is different and that your child may not be a performer now is a healthy move, not something to be ashamed of.
P.S. I do not encourage rewarding her performance. Again, that is a way of you exerting your control over here. It can be counterproductive. Go. Watch the show together, let her take the lead in complimenting the show or not, and know this is just who she is right now. Perfect!