Waffling Dad with Discipline & Consistency

There is a book called Mothering Styles maybe O. word it's based on the personality inventory- That was 4 components introvert/extrovert, etc etc I think i'm an INST.
Anyhow, it's not just for mom's. if you and hubby profiled your personalities and then looked through the book you'll see the way each of you naturally disciplines and why. Maybe if you could get him to do that or at least listen to you explain it in a different way, you could see where you are both coming from and how to meet in the middle. The book really showcases parents Strengths. I think we could all use a look at what we are good at in parenting our children. maybe discipline isn't Daddy's strong point but he can work on it and he can be appreciated for what he does do well.--not that you don't already, denise, i'm just saying in general.

Hi Denise, I think all parents need to sit down and talk about "house rules" routinely. Rules change and evolve as your kids grow and change...and discipline needs to change as well. You need to agree on and be consistant with the basics at all times and be a team! My hubby and I decided when our girls were babies to avoid at all cost being played off O. another so when there is an issue between O. of us and O. of the kids the other parent does not get involved. If they ask O. of us something and then go to the other (ya know to get a better answer) the first question we each ask is: "Did you ask Mom or Dad already? If so what did they say and why are you asking me? If Dad said NO, then it's NO." The other thing that we both agreed upon is to never make a threat about a punishment without being able/willing to follow through. Make no mistake, if I tell my girls that they wont be doing something if they disobey me...they KNOW I'm not fooling around! O. of my favorite lines is "Don't test me!" O. parent always seems to take a more active role in discipline in the home...but it is really important that both parents approach discipline and conisitency as a team. Best wishes.

You married your husband for many reasons, O. may even have been the fact that you thought he'd make a wonderful father. Now you are saying that he's not as good a parent as you wish he were . . . that's okay, but probably you didn't marry him because he was a good disciplinarian. That was never top on my list of marital qualifications either. :-)

Honestly, you need to accept him for who he is, and enjoy the fact that he's a wonderful dad, and that he spends time with his son. What you should be able to expect from him is that when YOU discipline, he will back you up 100% in public. If he disagrees with the ruling or the sentence, then he and you should discuss it in private, rather than in front of your son. You also, have to do the same for your husband. If your son is going to dad to get out of something Mom said, then you need to have a chat together about the situation, and then go together to report on the committee meeting. Keep a unified front where the kids are concerned.

You guys need to talk about what behaviors you will discipline, what is required, and what can be let slide so you are on the same page. Remember that you come from different families of origin, and we tend to think that everyone should agree with "us" (of course) and the way "we" were brought up.

My husband and I rarely struggle over discipline. If he is present, he will handle it. If I am present I will handle it. I don't expect to have to carry out his orders, and do his discipline for him, and he doesn't do it for me. As in: I don't ground my children, and expect him to stay home with them because I grounded them. I don't tell my children to "wait until Daddy gets home", and expect Daddy to handle something that happened when he wasn't around. Do I lean on him ? Yes, because he is more principle-bound and I am more situationally-bound. He tends to draw a line in the sand, and hold to it, whereas I might tend to waffle the line a little. We are very different people, and I think our friends were shocked when we got married, but we appreciate each other's giftedness and it makes our lives richer to have different points of view on things. We are both problem solvers, however. We want the problem behavior resolved, but we don't see our children as problems. :-) What's really wierd, is that they never have been. They've had struggles along the way, but we do very little disciplining. For some bazaar reason, they simply behave nicely 90% of the time. We haven't figured that O. out . . . ?? They are mystifyingly well behaved kids. ??

My kids actually look to me as the "final answer" on behavior. O. day last weekend, my husband was feeding the kids. On occassion we allow them to have soda. He chose lunchtime on this particular day to give them that treat. My son told him they weren't allowed to have soda that they had to have water, milk or juice. When my husband insisted it was okay, my son sought me out to ask if it really was okay to have soda. I was pleased to know that he respected me and my rules enough to check with me. I'm not sure what that says about how he views my husband, but that is a different topic.

I'm not quite sure how my son adopted this line of thinking - maybe because I am a SAHM and my husband works outside our home? Maybe because I take time to explain the reasons for rules, how our rules/consequences/privileges work, etc whereas my husband doesn't? I make sure to address my kids' behaviors while letting them know I love them. My husband unintentionally blurs that line. As the need arises, I tell them about my job as a mom - to keep them safe and healthy, teach them how to behave and share, etc. On occassion when the kids qestion why they have to listen to me or follow my rules I ask them : Who feeds you? Who gives you a bath? Who takes you to school? Who fixes your boo-boos? After 10 or so examples, I end with: Who makes the rules? That ususally seems to be enough to put it in perspective for the kids and make my point that I have authority.

My husband and I have an arrangement where we don't interfere with the other's disciplinary measures unless an unusual circumstance arises. For example, if I put the kids in timeout, my husband does not have the authority to take them out. If my husband takes a privilege away, I don't have the authority to decide when they get it back.
If we feel the other has issued a consequence that is harsh we talk about it without the kids present.

To be honest, I don't like my husband's approach either. In my opinion, sometimes he is too hard-lined and other times he wavers too much. It drives me nuts, but I can't get him to see that it doesn't work. While I wish we were on the same page we simply aren't. Since I am with the kids more than my husband and I think my approach is more effective (just being honest) I don't mind being the main disciplinarian as long as my husband doesn't try to dismiss my authority.

Hope I've contributed something useful for you. Good luck!

You are so RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT! Strong male leading fathers are SOOOO important. And sadly, a bit of a lost art.

All I can tell you, is that I can give you tons of examples both ways of Strong Disciplinarian Fathers vs Mr Nice Guys, and hands down, the Strong dads win. Of course they need their fun loving soft side, and not to be angry abusive people, but that strength as a leader is SO important in the home! And to the security of the kids.

For the boys, they learn to harness their hormones, follow the rules, be little gentlemen as well as be tough, and be strong leaders when it's their turn. For the girls, they learn to find a strong man in the future and to trust their dad's word, not sucker him into stuff all the time. Like both parents, he should be a fun loving good guy most of the time, and the final word on discipline when necessary. The kids NEED him to make the boundaries clear.

I have some sensitive male friends who are amazing kind people, and really fun playmates to their kids, but have no interest in being the bad guy ever. As the kids get older, they are unbearable, and they treat their parents really badly. My family on my mom's side, conversely, has really strong males who would never shirk their duty as the last word, and their kids are so much more mature and well behaved.

My softie uncle and hippy wife raised their kids with waffly positive discipline, and as adults, both my cousins have drug addictions, long histories in rehabs, can't hold jobs, can't be accountable for anything, and hate their parents. It's so sad, because my uncle is SO NICE and such a good person, he's a therapist who helps many needy people, but his kids hate him! He always sacrificed so much for them, and now they won't speak to him. They are totally self absorbed. These are extremes, but the seeds of truth are there, which you know, since you already feel your husband needs to be stronger.

I am SO fortunate that my husband is strong and was raised strictly. He does not hesitate to lay down the law and implement consequences immediately for things (sometimes I have to tell him to be a little more tolerant when kids are tired, etc). He's also a big teddy bear and the sweetest guy in the world, so my kids have all the affection they need, the funnest dad at the park, etc. But wrong behaviors are never even attempted around him (more than once or twice). My son is only 16 months, and he already tries to act tough and impress his dad by not fussing etc.

Ironically, my husband is gone ALL THE TIME touring as a musician. So in reality, the discipline is my job, and I'm the primary disciplinarian. However, when he is home, I (appear to) defer to him and let him (pretend to) lead. When I feel he is too quick to implement a consequence, I'll keep quiet, and pull him aside later and explain I usually give warnings first, or that they hadn't been taught this or that, but we NEVER contradict each other in front of the kids, and both our words are final. We always uphold the ruling of the other. But he's the "king". No feeling guilty and being a pushover just because he's been gone for months. He's always strong. Which my kids respect.

I want my son to be strong, and my daughter to recognize a wimp when she sees O. when she gets older so she doesn't have some of the struggles I had (dating wimps in the past, running myself ragged, wearing the pants, and thank god I didn't marry them).

The hard part is that nice guys are so NICE! Your husband is amazing for all the reasons he's amazing, and those are his golden qualities, but he needs to understand that he doesn't lose credibility or likableness with increased toughness, he gains it! Kids love a strong man! Even our friend's kids try to impress my husband, because they know he's a tough guy who is only fun when people are behaving nicely.

People love well disciplined kids. Everyone benefits if he can make it a goal not to waffle! My kids hardly need discipline, because they're never allowed to get away with stuff. If your husband is firm and decisive at the onset of things, they won't escalate, and he can avoid the discomfort of meltdowns or whatever he's afraid of.

So, have a talk with him, see if he can change, or at least understand where you're coming from. Get to the bottom of WHY its hard for him to draw the hard line. See if he can understand the reason to improve in that area. Compliment all his strengths and don't be judgemental as you bring up examples. Also, treat him as if he's already being strong. Don't ever contradict him etc. Tell your kids to listen to their dad and act as if you know he'll do the right thing. Let him feel the fruits of your praise when he's tough O. step at a time. Seek help on how to toughen him up...this is a hard O..

I know when I sometimes have to enforce rules, I just don't want to. I don't want to see anyone cry or be disappointed, I want to be fun all the time. But we have made a commitment to strictness knowing it's for their best interest even if it's not always fun or easy for us. See if you can get this through to him. Most men I know-including mine-look to their wife to direct them in their discipline style. If you know what is needed, you can probably get him to comply with enough work. Most of the guys I know who waffle, are totally allowed to by their wives. Women are secretly in charge. Use your power!

Disciplining is a joint decision. It is up to your husband and you to talk. My husband an I also support each others decisions eve if they are wrong. We then talk to each other after the fact when the kids are not there to discuss our difference of opinion. Your husband may be willing to support you in your discipline strategy but needs guidance from you.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean by taking a hard line but gentle fathers, (not permissive,) actually produce emotionally healthy sons. Its possible to fixed in your discipline and be gentle at the same time. The stereotypical no nonsense dad is just that a stereotype. It better for him to be firm but kind with your son.

Work together and I'm sure you'll get it.

YES!!! I am living this O.! :) My husband is terrible with discipline. We have several talks about it, and he usually does come around to my way of disciplining after I explain why I think it works and what I have noticed while he is at work. It really will work best if you both are on the same page. Tell your husband how you feel about it, have talks about it and have them often. You will need to check in and change things up every once in a while when you find your approach isn't working. Don't let him make you out to be the bad guy!!!! He might mean well, but he isn't doing his child any favors, right?

Hi Denise,

Get help in coming up with an agreement on the Discipline issue.

Go to your local Mediation Center and see if they have a family mediator.

He/She will help you draw up an agreement on how to discipline your child.

Good luck. D.