Here's the deal, I am the parent who dishes out time outs, the one who says not to junk food all the time etc. My husband, is the opposite. Let me give specific examples:
My daughter (2) has to be supervised with markers or crayons or they end up all over my walls or herself- this is the same for stickers. If this should happen while I watch her I take the item away, and I sit her in time out and I make her help me clean it up. My husband will help her stick stickers on whatever it is, laugh when she colors her face green and take pictures (every time, not just the first time when it's kinda cute), and then lets her continue using the item, he will just tell her no, no honey, use the paper, or your sticker book, and thats the end of it. I have discussed the importance of time outs- which let me add if he does put her in time out because he has totally lost his patience with her, it's literally only 30 seconds. I have discussed the importance of us being a team, with agreed upon rules, such as stickers go in the special sticker book we bought her, crayons and markers are for paper etc. I don't understand why he does whatever he wants at the moment. Do you think he doesn't remember? You think he just wants to be nice, and is afraid to be a parent to her? I told him you are less like a father to her and more like the older brother who won't move out! (I say this in a joking manner.) When I ask him why he does things he just kinda shrugs at me.
While I realize this example isn't anything that there is a big deal to be made about there are other things that this happens with too, this is just one example.
He only watches them alone 2 days a week for a total of 10 hours, so should I really be concerned? The rest of the time they are with me or my mother, and she respects the rules that we have set.
Some background stuff: He and I other wise have a fantastic relationship. As a child he was spoiled rotten- literally, he had asthma at 3 months of age so his mother literally never let him get upset or cry because it would bring on an asthma attack. Once he became a teenager this bit his mother in the butt as he became rebellious and listened to no one and did as he pleased. I as a child had very firm rules and was very well behaved, but as a teenage had rules so strict I rebelled too.
All I am looking for is a nice balance for my children, and would like to know any suggestions you may have to helping my husband and I get on the same page with our kids.
Thanks!
My husband and I talk a lot about parenting even when we are alone or on date nights. He is eager to do what is right, we disagree on a few things, but work together to provide consistency. What has helped me get to him is finding good articles/books for us to share. He is great at this to, at least every week we are sharing an article on parenting. I do like the book *Ask Supernanny* by Jo Frost. She addresses this issue a lot!
Sounds to me like he is having fun! I say let him.
Those memories of laughing and having fun with Dad will
remain forever in her heart.
J.,
As a mother who doesn't like all her walls marked up, I found a compromise. The boys could mark up anything they wanted in a specific space- we made an art corner. We conver the walls with brown paper- you can buy a big roll through most supply catalogs. And have an old table and chairs I found at a tag sale - or IKEA sells them for cheap, and they are the right size for kids.
By creating this space, your daughter- who clearly has a need to express herself beyond the regular boundaries, has a place that allows both you and her freedom. She may also need the tactile sensations of painting her face and so be careful about restricting that action. Again, give her different boundaries.
NOW, HOW does this help your situation with your induldgent husband?
it is like this:
he'll never get why you are strict. it doesn't make any sense to him. But he will get the specific space- the designated paint your wall place. that will make sense to him- because it shows him your understanding and flexibility, it acknowledges the child's needs, and most important allows your house rules to remain in tact. (she doesn't paint or sticker aywhere else)
two year olds have a hard time with boundaries anyway. egos are emerging, the world is sensational and they have control by changing what they see by marking it. So if you widen her boundaries from a piece of paper to a space, you may find she does better in other areas as a result.
This was a win-win for us. And I was able to stop looking for ways to stop bahavior and enjoy it instead. good luck!
M.
My suggestion is to get rid of the battle all together. Put the actual markers, and real stickers in a box and in a place where you are the only one who knows where they are. Save them for when the kids are older. Then buy Color Wonder markers, and paper. Also get the vinyl stickers that only stick to smooth surfaces like windows, and refridgerator. These don't have any adhesive, so it won't be a problem. Eventually you'll be able to bring out the other stuff again.
Hi...my mom sewed dresses for my daughter and I understand the love!
As far as your husband is concerned, perhaps making him understand what the outcome will be if he continues to not be consistant & discipline properly...an uncontrollable child, a disrespectful teenager, a rebellious young adult etc.
For many parents, parenting is a mystery and we are just doing what we know which is what our parents did to us. Elaborating on your husbands background slightly said volumes. He just doesn't understand discipline. He needs to learn it. Some school districts usually give a once a year "production" of some sort on parenting. Also check out your library for other parenting classes available. Or perhaps you could just threaten him with having to go to parenting classes as thatwould straighten my husband out!
Short term, I would hide the markers, crayons & stickers for when you are not around. Only use them when he is out until he learns. I know this is not a huge problem but I know it can be incredibly frustrating. Have some patience and continue to drill these things into his head. It took my husband a few years to "get it." Good luck!
J., in my experience with my kids what you have going on is quite typical. Your husband wants to be the good guy/the buddy/the friend. it is easier for him to let you be the bad guy who gives the time outs and takes away the crayons than for him to do it. It also removes him from feeling any responsbility when the kids act up.
That being said, he is their father and you do need to work as a team. Don't call him out on it when something happens in front of the kids - just be firm with the guidelines you set down and talk about it with him in private - ask him for his suggestions, ask him what his concerns are. Does he share yours. He may feel that you make all the rules and his involvements isn't wanted. Unfortunately there at times a husband call feel like you are raising another child.
In the end, don't give up - your children NEED your guidelines and struture - the need to understand and respect the limits you set down for them.
Good luck! B.
I have a question for you to think about. In your one example, is this the most recent offense, or the worst offense? If it's the worst offense, you can relax your husband is not spoiling your daughter.
Two year olds write on everything, they really don't understand that you don't want the wall/table etc. to have their beautiful artwork on it, and I doubt that a time out will help. As other moms have suggested, create a little art corner, invest in the markers that only work on special paper (although, I think these work better when the child is older and no longer needs them - there is a delay in the response between the marker and the paper, and I don't think the 2 year olds understand it), and invest in Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser.
Your husband is encouraging creative free play that is an important part of your child's development. Now, if I saw my child write on something she wasn't supposed to, I would tell her to write or put stickers only on the paper or I will take them away, that is a punishment they understand based on behavior they are doing, but you will have to tell them this every time they do that activity. (you can warn her or ask your husband to warn her when the crayons/stickers come out, instead of waiting until she marks the house - paper only, or I'll take them away, eventually she'll learn)
Without seeing other examples, it's hard to assess whether your style is "right", his style is, or if you need to meet somewhere in the middle (the usual answer). My parenting style is much looser than my husband's, BUT if my daughter (5 1/2 yo) does something that I tell her is wrong, and I explain why, she understands it. My husband is constantly telling her everything, almost to the way she breathes, is wrong, so how does she learn what truly is wrong/right or good/bad. He also has a tendency to yell at her from a different room, and to just say "no" not give a reason. I can tell you, ultimately all she is going to learn from him is how to disobey him. Hopefully I provide the balance and the moral lessons.
I know you are looking for advice about the discipline...but.... I have a suggestion for the coloring, in which you can all be happy.
COLOR WONDER by Crayola! lol
The markers, crayons, paint, etc only works on the special paper! It will keep the colors off of her and the walls and the furniture.... and only on the paper. It will help her to enjoy coloring on the paper because everything else will be boring since no color shows up.
As for the discipline disagreements.... maybe you should sit down with your husband and ask him what he thinks are the 'big issues'... those that warrant discipline and what he thinks should be allowed to slide. Let him know what your big things are and what you feel are ok to just let happen..... sort of a meeting of the minds and choosing what your battles will be together.
Explain to him why you feel the things that are not acceptable aren't acceptable. Let him do the same. Let him also explain why he feels it's ok to let her get away with certain things.
One thing to ask yourself is... Is what she is doing right now matter tomorrow?? Next week? Next year?
Will it hurt her, will it hurt others?
I know it can be frustrating to want to discipline for certain things when your partner doesn't feel it is a big deal. Actually, my husband is more strict than I am with some things, and I am more strict on other things... we are opposite on many issues, but we get along great and in the end, we do what is best for the kids.
You also have to realize the difference between men and women. Guys are a little more wild than we are... we are more emotional than they are (it's how we are each made, and why we balance each other out). When you learn why each other does what we do... it makes it so much easier to communicate and get along.
I would recommend you get a couple of books.... one is called "Wild at Heart" and the other is called "Captivating". Both are by John Eldredge and his wife Stacy. They are Christians, but the books aren't a 'cram it down your throat' type of thing. The books explain why men are made the way they are and act the way they do and the same with women.
My husband and I both read them and man, it made a huge difference in how we got along, how we parent and how we view things.
You can find both books at christianbook.com and they each are about $11.
I hope this helps you out... please let us know what happens. If you want to send me a message, feel free... I'd be happy to talk to you. I am a stay at home mom and I love to craft and sew too!
Dear J.,
I think you've gotten some wonderful advice here, and I really want to endorse it all. In particular, I agree with Ellen. Time-outs work; I use them with my own son, but a time out for putting stickers somewhere other than a sticker book seems awfully harsh for a 2-year-old. I recommend a milder, more relevant punishment for "artistic infractions" -- "if you keep coloring on the walls, the crayons are going to be taken away until tomorrow." I like the suggestion of creating a bigger art space, too. In other words, the right approach may be somewhere right in between yours and your husband's -- and that may resolve your marital conflict, too.
Your daughter sounds like a very bright, artistic little girl. If you continue to make art a positive experience for her, you'll probably have a creative little "sewing buddy" in a couple of years.
Best of luck,
Mira
Wow J., firstly congratulations on going to school, working and yet finding time and energy to be such a dedicated mom and wife!
My opinion is what seems infallible across the board - what I see in print and practice.
As important as it is for your husband and child to have fun freely, reasonable rules are important for kids (psychologically it shows parents care). Kids should never see disagreement between parents so his play cannot undermine your authority (and vice-versa). The key is that parents back each other up - that proverbial consistency. Any disagreements, and compromise should be handled and reached in the absence of the kids.
On an in-the-meantime short-cut thought: men generally won't displace themselves to go get play supplies for the kids, so just take throw the markers and stickers out little by little without making an announcement. Also, perhaps schedule them for an activity like music together or Gymboree (anything) during your absence - it will get them out of the house while you're away.
Good luck!
M.
My husband is the same way. They don't want to be "the Bad Guy" so my daughter knows she can get away w/ anything when Daddy's around and not so much w/ Mommy. Because they are not around the majority of the time they don't see how it will affect their future behavior. We as mothers know differently. I kinda got over the things that were not so serious such as markers and stickers. Now I focus on things that will affect her safety such as climbing on a chair and trying to tip it for fun(which my husband would allow as long as he is next to her,he thinks that makes it safe!!!) playing w/ the TV cord, etc. Since I am around her the most I hope that my reinforcement of acceptable behavior will stick. I know this really might not be the answer you are looking for but at least he spends time w/ her and has fun. I know so many mothers who complain that their husband make no time for their kids.
Bottom line is they are afraid to be a parent because they want their little girls to love them. They don't realize that they will anyway. They think discipline is punishment.
Choose your battles wisely. I think your daughter will be just fine and maybe she'll be a famous artist one day w/ those markers!
Hi J.,
My husband and I were going through a similar situation, where I am the mean parent and he is the nice parent. I only let our soon to be 2yr old pull out one toy at a time and he helps him empty out all of the bins, so that all of his toys can spill out. I know that it's because he feels guilty about not spending enough time with him and I guess this is his way of making it up to him. I have learned to choose what I want to argue about and this sure is not one of them. So I bought collapsible toy holders that allows them to spill out the toys, play and then do clean up together, sounds like I am talking about two kids right ;-). I told my husband that as long as he teaches Reli, that this is daddy time, then I am fine with it. My husband is responsible for cleaning any and EVERY mess that they make together and my son totally understands that only he and daddy can do this.
What I suggest to you is the following:
First buy the Crayola Markers, Crayons & Finger Paint that writes on only special paper, don't forget to get the special paper. (we have these and they are awesome, never have to clean paint or crayons off of anything).
Second get the magnets that look like stickers, they come with Sesame Street books and all kinds of other books, this should solve your sticker problem.
Third and last, don't stress the daddy time.... Your husband is probably just enjoying his time with her and she is loving her dad. If she doesn't have the same behavior with you or your mother, then this means that she is getting the idea that only she and her dad can do these things together.
There will be many things that you and him will not agree on, don't let these little things be one of them.
I really hope that this helps.
Take care and good luck.
D.
Maybe, just maybe hubby should be with the kids a little more if possible. Since you are the primary care giver, it's easier for you to make and follow the rules. But, it's just as important that Daddy follows the same rules.
Your daughter should absolutely be supervised with art activities. All children should. But, as a former childcare worker and a parent, I think perhaps the T.O is going a little overboard. After one warning, she should be finished and that's it. But, I also think maybe different activities may curb her interest in coloring where she shouldn't and adding her stickers where she shouldn't. There is a great book called The Toddler's Busy Book, there is also a Pre-Schooler's version, that offers msny different activities to try.
Hi J.
You seem to be saying, you think your hubby is too lenient, and he thinks you are too strict. Is that the bottom line, and it shows up in the art projects? Does it show up everywhere? That sounds like you balance each other out.
My suggestion
All behavior that is not to your liking is not cause for time out. It is my opinion that time out is for willful defiant behaviors. Or when they are not able to control themselves. At 2 children don't know all the rules so cleaning the mess up usually makes kids not make a mess. Natural consequence. Your husband does not want to stifle her creativity.
Next, anything that you don't want to happen when they are 5 is to be corrected, It is cute at 2, but not so cute in the K class. It needs to be corrected. So will your husband want your daughter to use the markers and paints at school on her face or do the assignment? Talk about it from that point of view, it makes it more real. Large paper on the wall, and crayons work well. Paint a wall with chalkboard paint. Chalk is a wonderful medium for young kids as long as you get the more expensive dustless chalk.
Have you checked the dangers of markers on the skin? Maybe that would stifle your husband from allowing such behavior. I didn't allow markers til 5, for that reason, but I am old and perhaps they have solved those problems.
Talk Talk Talk
Eventually kids know what they can get away with with each parent. Maybe your husband could do less creative and more active play. Teach her to play ball or bowl, or something, that you, of course don't have time for, or won't take time for, even if that is purposeful. You might talk to your husband about what you don't have time for and how he could really help by doing those things with her. After all you know he loves to _____________. You don't want to stop him from taking time with your daughter. You don't want him to feel useless in her life. His time with her is valuable, and necessary for her well being.
God bless your family
K. SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37,32, and twins 18.
You've received a lot of good advice from the Moms. I love all of the suggestions. It seems any one of them could work for you. I'm sure you'll find a solution that succeeds from the many offered.
I'm a father of two, 12 and 16 years old from a previous marriage. They were 4 and 8 when my wife and I separated, I was a single Dad for five years and have always been very involved with my children, I am remarried and my wife is at 29 weeks with our son.
With this perspective, "united front" is overrated. My ex-wife and I have different house rules, different parenting styles, etc. Their stepdad and stepmom bring new parenting styles into the mix: they had more trouble with stepparents, but eventually figured out how to get along and enjoy them. Our children quickly learned to navigate the differences, just as they learned how to behave on play dates or at school, in the supermarket, grandma's, etc. They are now honor students, busy with after school activities, and everyone comments on how well-behaved and poised they are. Their experiences are making them experts in psychology!
As a single Dad, I discovered parenting books for fathers. Try giving your husband a book such as "Fatherneed" for example. There is a lot of research that shows that fathering is different than mothering and equally important, hence my disregard for most parenting books, websites and magazines, which are actually written by and for mothers. Most parenting books don't speak to me and my concerns, but fathering books speak my language (and I don't mean the pre-natal books that are written in a cheeky way making fun of male stereotypes as uninvolved parents). There is great value in your children experiencing the different style of playing with fathers, which typically encourages more risk taking, creative play, less outward concern for falls or minor injuries, less hovering, and a different kind of nurturing. Fathers provide a good balance to mothers.
I'm glad to hear your husband plays with your children. Some Dads don't know how (every episode of Supernanny!) You say your husband only has 10 hours when he supervises the children alone as if you are afraid that the inconsistencies of what he permits are going to damage your children somehow. Wait until they are at daycare or school or with a nanny! You will have much less control over how your children's behavior is dealt with. It sounds like you may be having other power struggles with your husband, and that parenting styles are only one factor. I recommend you find a good couples counselor to learn to improve your communication: parenting is stressful. Sit back and have a laugh about the messes Dad leads your children into. Just be sure he understands that he is responsible for getting it cleaned up. Your kids will enjoy wielding the sponge and bucket, the wall scrapers, etc. Stick together on the big stuff; don't sweat the small stuff.
Wow if you get any advice that works pass it along, I felt like I was the one writing your post as i was reading, lol.
Hi J.,
Parenting is definitely hard. It sounds like you and your husband came from two totally different household growing up. If your husband was spoiled I can see why he is that way with your daughter. My husband and I are different like that. My son is only 10 months so I don't know how he's going to be. I do know that I have stickers on my dresser and the kids dresser because my husband let my stepsons put them there. My motherinlaw has a room where they let the kids paint on the wall. He wanted to do that with my stepsons at my house but I just couldn't. I'm like you stickers and paint and coloring goes on paper. Not walls and furniture. My husband just says you have to pick your battles. He doesn't sweat things like that. It bothers me. He said it's not hurting anything. I think to him it's like artwork they did displayed on the wall. With my stepsons I shrugged it off because it wasn't my furniture and they weren't my children to totally refuse what he does with them. We are close in parenting them but he kinda has the final say with them. I guess we'll see with my son. I don't know what the answer is. I can tell you my stepsons are very well behaved and good boys and they only did that for a little time period. Our house daddy is the fun one and mommy is the mean one. But he stands behind me in things. It's not like I say no and then he says ok do it.
Maybe dedicate a wall in her room or little spot they can do that together. Make sure stuff is nontoxic and can wash off if she is putting on her face. Sounds like she is creative. Maybe get a fax painting kit he can play with her. I guess looking at the big pictures these are little things. I think I understand how you think. If he lets her do this he'll be easy like that with the big important things. He might not realize because he was allowed whatever he wanted. Since he's taking pictures sounds like it's special to him and he's having fun. My husband works so much I try to take a deep breath and ignore little things that bother me. He doesn't get all the time I get with the kids. They grow up so fast. I think if you show them love and respect and that you work well together they will grow well. Make sure you work together on no lying,hitting,throwing things etc. Bad behavior with the big things. I guess to close he just doesn't get it and I think you might exhaust yourself trying to make him. Like I said two different worlds. Just try to work together with a compromise. I think children who have parents working as a team have a real good shot.
Sorry to say that, while he is wrong to not to act like a team with you, he is correct about following his instincts about her creativity. He shrugs because he doesn't have words for what he is doing, but it is tremendously important. If you want your daughter to grow up having an easier time with reading, writing and thinking you need to set up a safe place in your home where your daughter can try out these things WITHOUT the constant corrections. Body and face decorating is a normal, human instinct. You are working against nature. PLEASE read YOUNG AT ART It is published by Henry Hol . I would be happy to lend you a copy. It is all about your problem and full of solutions.
I feel like I am the same as your husband - my husband is pretty strict about everything and is constantly questioning how I do things. I HATE IT! I just feel like our son needs freedom to express himself, learn for himself and just be. My husband is to caught up in in what I say is adult standards or perfection...he worries about crumbs on the floor, crayon on the table, a mess after meals. Not that I say my son should just be allowed to whatever he wants, but a little mess can be cleaned up. I'm not letting him play with knives or matches! Maybe thats why your husband does what he does? Of course there are boundries, rules and consequences, but I feel as if my child isn't going to grow into his own person if I am constantly telling what to do and how to do it. I believe in allowing him to learn through trial and error and I believe I should be there to guide him along. With that said, my advice is you parent your way, let you husband parent his - its ok to have two different parenting styles as long as the final result is agreed upon. You have to aske yourself what harm is REALLY being done? Whats important is the standards and rules that you must agree on that will keep your child safe, responsible, and polite and that will teach him how to live successfully in this world. We cant' control our kids and we can't control our spouses either - not fully anyway. Talk to your husband and ask him seriously why he allows things, tell him how you feel and see if you can't compromise on the extent of the difference. In my husbands defense - he spends a lot of great time with our son and is a wonderful father, I will admit that there are things he does that I dont' like either...like playing to rough, giving him to many cookies, etc...but again, whats the harm really, he's not teaching him to fight, he's not ONLY feeding him cookies all day...so I keep quiet. The point I try to express with my husband is that we both do things differently at times and thats OK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear J.,
You are right in the way you feel as parents you should have a united front. However it doesn't sound like your husband is going to change so the way I see it you have two choices. You can teach your children that daddy has different parenting styles then mommy does and what daddy allows mommy does not. Or you can agree to compromise you will may have to give in a little if he will agree to toughen up a little. Because he was raised so differently he may see you as too tough and inflexable. You know pick your battles kind of thing. I am not disagreeing with you I see your point I just don't think you are going to get your husband to change if he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. He probably feels well I turned out fine so I am going to do the same with my kids. By criticizing his upbringing he is taking it personally and will probably resist that much more. So try to suggest a happy medium and maybe he will come around. Help him to realize that if things do not change your children will resent you and he will create a good cop bad cop situation in which there will be total chaos as they grow. Tell him children need discipline, consistency, and guidance as they grow. Remind him he is not their friend he is their dad. Good luck!!!
I would learn to pick your battles.IE: Putting stickers on things is not a big problem, but writing with crayons on the wall is. So when he babysits hide the crayons and let them play with the stickers. If you come home to stickers all over ignore it, dont clean it. Perhaps he will get tired of seeing them, especially if she puts them all over the TV. Take a firm stand if it involves anything dangerous.
It must be hard for your DH to discipline, he wants to be the 'good' guy. What might help is discussing discipline when you aren't annoyed and remind him of his rebellious youth.
Who's rules are these that he's breaking. Are they yours or are they rules you have agreed on together. Honestly, you need to let go of the reigns a little. So what if she colors on her hands with marker, she's washable. It's not permanent. It will come off. As long as he's willing to clean up the mess and he has it under control, then let them. Truly what is it hurting. As long as their having fun and no one is getting hurt, it's o.k. I would sit down with your husband and discuss with him what things are definite time out material (lying, hitting, biting, spitting, talking back, that kind of stuff). Other then that, when he is with her, let him be in control. Let them be messy (life is messy, it happens and we all survive it). Let them be kids together. If you can't watch it, go out, go to the mall, go get a pedicure. But being a kid is all about the fun. Remember, all that stuff in your house, is just that...STUFF. It's replacable. Their just things. What would be more important to you, that fact that your coffee table is sticker free, or that your daughter had a blast with daddy all day long, and she's happy and able to be a kid. Your husband was allowed to have free reign in his house growing up, yours was strict...try to find a way to meet in the middle.
Hi J.,
Congratulations for not accepting that behavior in an any adult, especially your husband.
It's aggrivating and downright undermining when your spouse trains your child to do more damage and won't discipline himself or her.
I can say a lot, there are many aspects of undermining behaivor, some of which could be that he just plain has no courage or skill to discipline a child because he doesn't discipline himself very well, he's afriad to try because it's so unfamiliar on both sides (people who dont' discipline themselves well are usually pretty odd at disciplining children and can do some real damage) and he doesn't understand the severity of what he is doing both to you, your marriage relationship, and to your child by being a child instead of an adult role model, teammate and authority figure.
The best reference I know on "Just what exactly can I do that works to address this, how do I keep my perspective healthy through this mess, and what do I expect for a response from a person like that" that is short and to the point is a small book (100 pages, big print) by a man named Carter, who went through this and helped others get through it. Undermining people show up when you least expect them, and they can be maddening to deal with when you want to keep giving them the benefit of the doubt that they will REALLY THIS TIME NO FOOLIN HONEST STRAIGHTEN UP AND COOPERATE.
The book is a small one, still in print, titled, (of all things): "Nasty People, How to Deal With Them Without Becoming One Of Them". It recommends a lot of specific things to do, say, how to approach the behavior, just a tiny bit of theory, understanding, hilarious, brief and right on the money with every situation I have used it. I looked for years for this kind of guide to dealing with saboteurs for a long time. I was afraid I was going to have to write it for myself I was so frustrated dealing with this undermining stuff.
And it helps that Carter dealt with them himself, nearly drove him nuts and he wrote this because there was no short, effective guide out there. It also helped that he is a PhD Psychiatrist, who was at his wit's end dealing with a real case in his own marriage. I will look him up and send him a thank you, it's been nothing short of amazing.
In my searches, I found and I also use an earlier book, Crucial Confrontations, for people who are behaving badly, and The Magic of Thinking Big, to keep myself focused on behaviors which will hold me accountable in my own life to reach my potential, both have lots of templates, examples, and are best sellers and proven references.
Blessings to you J., and I'll be happy to disscuss any of those books with you if you want more info. They are pretty dog-eared now, with writing in them, so have been very good for me to learn from.
M.
J., When my first baby came along I was upset when someone would not follow my rules, like you. But I spend the majority of time with them, so I am able to make sure that my kids follow the rules most of the time. They are fine with someone who lets them go wild for a little. I think your husband is just having fun, let them have it. they grow up so fast, he just wants to enjoy the silly fun. And it isn't going to make her a rebellious teen. All teens rebel in their own way, so you can plan on it no matter how you raise them.
just ask yourself if this is going to matter in 5 years. kids are their own people, just support them and let them be them. stickers and crayon come off easy enough. its not something to stress about.
J.,
Towards the end of your post you state " All I am looking for is a nice balance for my children" well you have it. Your husband is the balance. Your husband allows your daughter to expolore another side of her that you will not. I am not saying your wrong for your beliefs I am merely saying that your husband allows her to be a different kid when she is with him. There is your balance. If he isn't doing anything that hurts them than let it be. Don't sweat the small stuff. I do feel that he should back you up with regards to the time-out's. It does send a message of a crack in the wall of parenting and children will capatilize on that crack. Your not alone my husband is the same way he allows them to do things that I would never allow however when I stop and take a minute to watch my girls with their father the anger and resentment go away all though it's a short time it does go away and I enjoy and live in the moment. I promise if you allow yourself to not sweat the small stuff you will find yourself alot less stressed
Hi J.-
I think it's important for the two of you to be on the same page. When disipline is concerned, you need to have a united front or the child will constantly go to the parent that gives them there way. Your husband probably feels badly when he has to reprimand her because he doesn't get to see her as much as you do and does not want to be considered the "bad guy" Maybe you should see if there are any books in the library regarding this matter that can help.
You should indeed be concerned about this. Not because in and of itself "10 hours" isn't going to destroy her, but because unity and consistency among her care providers is extremely important to a child's sense of security. As are boundaries. And especially when we are talking about the parental unit.
I've had to deal with similar issues in my household because my husbands traditional American upbringing, versus the nanny's spoiling kind of approach, versus my dysfunctional upbringing coupled with my Masters level education in social work/human development and years of therapy- trust me, we have a lot of differences. I will say that my husband's attitude is to be united with me on how we raise her (baby is 16 months old and have 2nd on way) BUT just like yours, in the moment he just doesn't seem to get it. i.e. he'll completely miss her attempts at communication, then get frustrated with her when she is complaining, he'll play "head games" with her and frustrate her path to exert his control over her and he'll do silly things like "sprinkle" (more like pour!) water on her from her humidifier before bed and thinks it's funny while I'm worried she's going to be with wet spots on her hair and clothes. (that was last night by the way, LOL right? uggh!).
Anyway, point is that I understand. And what I do is consistently have talks with him about my concerns and what we need to be doing. I'm careful about when and how I present my concerns, ask him questions to draw out his understanding and fill in any blanks of what he may not be thinking about. I do of course, choose my battles because I want him to be a secure father. But I am very much aware of giving my daughter what she needs psychologically at each stage of development. The other thing I do, which definitely helps, is that I quote books and or show them (or offer to) on X topic that I may feel we are not completely on the same page about. In general, he is grateful that I am an educated and concerned mother who searches these things out (so when I say education, I'm not referring to my MSW but rather to the fact that I continually look up and read about what my daughter needs, is going through, etc). But as I said, it doesn't mean he completely "gets" it in the moment so ultimately it takes alot of patience on my part, wisdom to choose battles/timing/approach and consistency.
I highly reccomend that if you are not already doing so, that you indeed get or go look thru books on parenting issues and baby's stages. Again, if nothing else it will deepen your udnerstanding, help you make better more secure decisions AND give you an objective professional view to refer to (and refer him to) if he's not really buying into what you're saying because he's doing the patronizing thing men tend to do. Good luck, N
I think this is very normal, men and woman are very differant when it comes to whats important expecially with parenting. We have some of the same conflicts in our house, lots of time I feel like my husband is the fun parent and I am the one who is strict and trys to always follow and make rules. I would try talking to your husdand and tell him how it makes you feel when he disregards the rules you have set up, maybe you can also take some sugestions from him and maybe not be soo strict. It is always work to create a good balance of setting ground rules and letting kid be kids, and it constantly changes. The most important thing is that your children know that the parents are a united front. Good luck
I don't know. That's a tough one. You have to remember to remember that life is short, and sometimes a little green paint on the face is worth the effort to wash it off. Kids are kids. Maybe your husband feels she needs to get a little goofy once in awhile. It's hard, I don't like paint on my walls either. But actually it only happened a few times and then as she got older she learned. The paper was more fun. Maybe make the paper more interesting than the wall. Get big pieces of paper, maybe hang them up once in awhile and let her draw a "mural." But of course, explain to her that it's paper and not the wall and that's why it's OK. It's just that you don't want to be remembered as the one who always scolded and dad was the only one that let her have fun. Maybe the answer is just rolling with it a bit more and finding ways to channel the behavior to something positive, then talking to your husband about doing the same and not letting her do anything she wants.
I tried taping a big sheet butcher block paper to the wall and let her draw on it and she loved it. I never had anymore crayon on the wall problems. You can also get big rolls like that at home depot in the painting section.
Hi, Janielle,
I hear your frustration and I understand what it's like, but one problem we mothers tend to have is we can morph into control freaks with our kids. Not just to keep house the way we want (no markers on walls, etc.), but to parent the way we want - and it's sometimes impossible to believe anyone else's approach might work. When we see someone else parent our kids, even when it's our spouses, it means giving up some control.
If I were you, I would allow this special time with dad to continue - but make it clear to your husband: his fun - his clean-up. Don't get involved if it makes you squirm. It seems both your husband and your daughter are getting under your skin and enjoying it - it's becoming their "thing" to do together. Stop making yourself the brunt of their joke. Disappear and stay gone until the mess is cleaned up. And if it doesn't get cleaned up - give them both a time out from the materials. Put the supplies in one place that is off-limits for a day every time they don't clean up. I am lumping your husband with your child here, because it seems they are indeed a team in this.
But let me also say, you are very lucky to have such a fun-loving husband who genuinely enjoys spending time with his kids. This is rare. And kids really do learn that different situations, authority figures, circumstances mean different rules. This is daddy time with daddy rules. Enjoy the fun they have, but again, leave the area if it makes you uncomfortable!
Take a deep breath!
Good luck!
Dear J.,
I've read your request and the majority of the responses. Because we, mothers, are the primary caregivers to our kids, we are the one's who dish out most of the discpline. Most fathers aren't around enough to do it. That being said, he should be backing you up. There are compromises to everything as long as it doesn't challenge morals, values, and beliefs. If you impose all of your rules and controlling the fun that they are having, you are undermining him, not the other way around. Let him have time with his kids, but assure him he has to clean the mess up!
Hi J.~
I read some of the responses and I've got to say I was surprised. I don't like the special crayons made to only write on certain paper. I'm older than most here and I was raised with crayons (no stickers that I can remember) and if I or my sisters wrote on the walls, we'd get a double whammy ~ once from Mom and again by Dad. I also don't like putting things away from both your child and your husband because that shows you don't trust him. It is vitally important that you and your husband show a united front to your children and yes, it is difficult, especially when he (as with most Dad's) isn't around them too much because of work. But I think you already indicated his problem, but you don't see it. You said he was spoilled as a child because he had asthma. I think most Mom's & Dad's would do anything possbile to prevent an attack but this does not give the child limits nor does it enforce them. It is my opinion that your husband doesn't know how to parent. As a parent, everything we do, everything we say, our behavior, and all of our interactions with others teaches the child in some form or fashion. Your MIL didn't do that with your hubby so he cannot do it with your own children. And I've been to one a few parenting courses and I don't think they are the answer, either. Just talk to him, explain to him that you need him to try and put forth an effort. In the long run, it'll be best for everyone. If you continue the way you're going, your children will see you as a strict disciplinarian and you may not want that at all.
Good luck...
J.~
You are both teaching your daughter different things. You are teaching her about boundaries and rules and he is teaching her new ways to express herself and be a freethinker. Both of these lessons are important, the problem lay in the conflict between you and your husband.
As your child gets older, she will learn to test her father in new ways and may eventually try to circumvent your discipline and boundaries by playing you off of each other. While it's important that mothers and fathers teach their children different things and serve different purposes, those purposes should agree and there should be a boundary that no child crosses without finding a united front.
Rather than approach this conflict negatively, try to approach it productively, to search for the win-win solution for both you and your husband. Personally, I think it's okay for children to get dirty and for them to muss their environment a bit, but they should also understand the consequences of their actions. Perhaps you and your husband can come to an agreement that if he allows your daughter the freedoms to do these things, he must also teach her her responsibility for cleaning up after them.
If go head to head with your husband about his parenting style, you will alienate him and fight. It's obvious he does not see the world in the same way that you see the world and I think that's okay, to a point. Validate his position by acknowledging that his contributions are important and that he teaches your daughter different but important lessons, but explain your concerns that in the future she will disrespect the rules and use dad against mom to get her way. Explain that you need for him to help you find and enforce the "deal breaker" boundaries, places where you both agree that no child, especially not your child, should go, things your child should not do. Start with the common ground and try to work toward consensus rather than trying to force him to operate your way. He will become frustrated and resentful.
My husband is much like yours and he just doesn't know a different way. Let's face it, you married him so in some ways, despite being spoiled (as my husband was) he learned the most important lessons in life. My husband is a good man, as it sounds like your husband is. I think you both can find common ground here. I too am really concerned about raising spoiled children, but that is why, in a sense, our kids are lucky to have two parents to show them there are many ways to do things. My husband and I are on the same page on the things that really matter, like no running into the street, always holding a hand crossing the street, and actions having consequences.
Time outs should be reserved for really serious offenses- biting, hitting, running away toward the road, anything that puts her or someone else in danger. Otherwise, time out loses its effectiveness. I don't think putting stickers and markers in the wrong place warrants a time out. You are right to supervise her, but maybe you should just let her use crayons and just save the markers for when she is older. Still, I can definitely see the problem and you should definitely sit down with your husband again and discuss this, with specific examples and explain that if you don't have a united front, starting from the beginning, she will not listen to either of you, especially as she gets older. Use the way he acted as a teenager to illustrate the point.
