Wanting Number 3 So Badly

I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted to say that I am right there with you. I have that ache in my belly all the time wanting #3. I am trying to let it rest for a little while and then approach it again hoping my husband will come around. I feel it causing me to feel sad a lot though which isn't good. hang in there and I'll be looking to see what advice you get.

Be thankful for what you DO have! Some of us are lucky to have 1 beautiful, healthy child and are unable to have more. Do not think about what you do not have & cherish and love all you were given today!

Hi Rachel
I had three boys and thought that I was done. One month I thought I was pregnant and my husband and I were in a panic. When we realized it was a false alarm strangely enough we were disappointed. We decided we would start trying the following month. I really wanted a little girl. I knew that there were no guarantees, and I would have been completely happy with a boy, but I think I would have always regretted not going for it. We now have three boys and a little girl and I don't have one regret. I have that "complete" feeling now. After I had my boys I always felt sad whenever anybody was pregnant because I think deep down I didn't feel complete. My daughter is almost a year and I am surrounded by pregnant women right now and I don't feel that way at all! I really do feel complete. I think you should just be honest with your husband and tell him how you feel. Right now he is looking at it like it is more money, time, responsibility. Once that baby is here it is a whole different story. As women we are able to see that, guys are just so different. Maybe he doesn't realize how important this is to you. Good luck!

YOU have great advice there, as I read the postings.
I too, am in the same boat. I have one of each and ppl say I should be happy with that. But as it was stated, it is a feeling, desire, longing to have another. I jsut do nto feel complete. I have mentioned it many times and we have discussed it. I tried after our second to put it out of my mind and move past it. I just have not been able to. We have friends who are having babies, have had their babies or trying and it all stirs upp the emotions.
During our last conversation about, the question was posed....if we did not have a thirs, woudl it be something that I would always regret not doing...I feel that it would be.
We plan to discuss it again late in the year.
We have had many challenges this past year and half and finances are a big one.
By the time a third would arrive, our second would be potty trained. So, one less expense there and we have items for both genders.
So, my additional piece of advise is to keep talking about and see all sides of it. My husband knows I have been trying to figure it all out and it is not going away.

I am not one to ask for much, but this is something I do want so I will present it again.
Good Luck and know you are not alone!

AWWWW ((((((((hugs)))))))) nothing worse than that longing for a baby , is there?
I had seven because of it..lol..would have had more but really had gone by as far as childbearing was concerned and was having some pretty serious complications.
SOOO did not get that eighth one !!!
How about you talk with hubby and compromise? Tell him you had your heart set on four but if he could amicably agree to three so would you.
Does that sound doable?
Of course he is concerned about the money. Dont know many who wouldn't these days.
Have you talked with him about renewing your license and picking up couple shifts a week?
Maybe your acknowledging his concerns and willingness to help may lead him to rethink his refusal.
I do hope things work out for you all.
Sounds like you have a wonderful little family and a good man who has your welfare at heart.
Best wishes and God bless
Grandmother Lowell

Hi Rachel,

I think you and your husband have to have a serious "sit down" and talk. If this is something you really want but he doesn't, you've got to see where you can compromise otherwise resentment will kick in. My husband and last Oct. decided we wanted a 3rd and for me it came out of the blue...after my 2nd I was like "NEVER AGAIN," but I now, like you, couldn't imagine my home with out another one or two :). Talk with your hubby, understand one another and hopefully you both can work it out. I think as challenging as parenting is, it's all that more rewarding and I don't think it sucks at all. :)
Best of luck.

Hey girl, get your license back!!! I did the same thing, with my LPN, and have been feeling horrible too. Your hubby doesn't want one now, and that's ok. You get back to you, realize your full potential, and reasses your situation. You've got some time, you don't need one right now. I bet once hubby sees you doing what you love, and being happy, he will be more open to it. Money will be better, your relationship will be great, and you will be the person you want to be. Being a mom sometimes makes us put EVERYONE ELSE ahead of us. Take back control, and take care of Rachel. Best of luck honey!!!! ( Just writing that kicked my own butt into gear to call NCLEX)

Mine is turning 1 in April and I want another one so bad. I had postpartum depression/psychosis and am have really just started coming out of the depressive part over the past few months. 9 months of misery, and still I want another one! I guess all I'm saying is it's a natural instinct and you're not alone...but try to hold off if your husband doesn't want to - it's not fair to him otherwise. Good luck! :)

well, you've got a couple reasons to wait on this. One, your husband isnt agreeable, & 2 you just bought a new home. What about waiting a while longer to see how everything works financially. If it does, try discussing it again. If it came down to it, you could go back to work part time just to help better the finances. I wish i could stay home, but i'm not that fortunate! :) Good luck in whatever decision you make!

I know that feeling. But I have the benefit of hindsight, as my children are all grown.

I always wanted four children, my husband wanted two. We compromised with three. I felt if I pushed for the fourth, my husband would resent me for it. I no longer believe that would have happened. I think he would have eventually embraced the idea. I still often wish I had had another one, but I also often think he was right. His reasons were all financial reasons. Mine were purely emotional. I didn't look past when they were babies (financially speaking). He envisioned putting them all through college. We have one graduated from college and two currently in college. It IS incredibly expensive! I can't imagine putting one more through college. Even if we had expected them to put themselves through college, the older they got, the more expensive they got.

After my youngest started school, I abandoned the idea of having another. At that time, I had some time to myself (SAHM) and all the kids were, what I like to call, voice activated and I didn't want to go backwards. But when I was really, really, really sure we made the right choice was when they were teenagers. Driving lessons just about did me in! I will take diapers, potty training, terrible twos... all of it over driving lessons. And worse than the driving lessons is when you have to let them drive away by themselves! OMG! What stress! Also, my kids were exceptionally good teenagers, but the WERE teenagers. It was not my favorite age.

What I'm trying to say is, for me, as much as I really wanted and still sometimes wish I had had one more child, we have three healthy, happy, wonderful grown children and I feel so fortunate I could burst.

My husband contends that I would have ALWAYS wanted "just one more" no matter how many kids we had. Can't say I disagree -- I do love babies and children! =) Could you possibly be the same? Part of parenting is making responsible decisions. Bringing only the number of children in the world that you can care for, emotionally, physically and financially is one of the most important decisions you'll have to make.

I hope you and your husband can come to an agreement that makes you both happy.

It is very hard to want another child and not be able to have one, especially if you already have children. People no doubt will tell you that you should just be grateful for the ones you've got - and that is true, and I'm sure you ARE grateful for your children. But it is still very hard to deal with that incomplete feeling. It's especially difficult because it's not a mutual decision between you and your husband. Try hard not to feel resentful of his wishes, or else you'll just get bitter. Try to focus on his reasons WHY he doesn't think your family is meant to have more children and accept the validity of his feelings. You are sad enough and don't need to pile marriage problems resulting from bitterness and resentment towards him. I have been in the same position for years and although it has gotten a bit easier, it is taking a v-e-r-y long time. I'm not there yet, but I found the less I tried to repress my sorrow, and the more I acknowledged the validity of my feelings, the easier it became. Just the other day, I realized that I hadn't been actively, consciously sad about it for at least a day, and it almost made me sad - the way a newly grieving person feels guilty feeling joy. It is a grieving process and it takes time. You are mourning the loss of your dream and it will be difficult. Just acknowledge you have a right to feel the way you do and realize that it will take a long time to come to peace with this major life decision. I wish you all the best.

Well you certainly aren't alone!! I have a girl who is turning 3 in May and a 6 month old and I ALREADY want my third. Someone said it best to me when I asked them "how do you know when you're done". And they response i got as a simple, "You know when your done. It will be a profound feeling". Well, I'm already bringing up the subject with my DH on having another and while he isn't too keen on the idea just yet (we still aren't sleeping through the night!), I'm going to let it rest for a bit. I think you should get your finances in order, enough that your husband wouldn't feel crunched financially of having anotherone, and then approach the subject again.

I know what you mean about the ache but in a different way. We tried for almost 7 years to get pregnant and it was a horrible ache every month and to hear all the other women getting pregnant made it almost unbearable at times. I'm now beyond thrilled to have 11 month old twins and although they keep me incredibly busy, I can't even imagine not having them. I'd love to have another one (or two even). Luckily, my husband is wanting to have them too. However, my point is, keep talking about it to your husband and explain to him why you want more. He may change his mind. But, also remember that you have two healthy children and enjoy every moment with them!

I was in the same shoes when we had 1 kid and my husband didn't want a second one.
All I can say, is to keep talking to your husband. Let him know how you feel. My husband eventually came around, and now he wouldn't want to miss our second child.
Your situation is a bit tough, since you just bought a house. I think it would be wise to first deal with the move and all. Once you are settled, your husband may see things differently.

Good luck!

rachel,
i'm in the same boat going from 3 to 4. let me know how is works out. i don't get that feeling that i'm done yet, either. take care. good luck,and keep communication open. that's what we are doing.
M.

Hi Rachel,

I am a mom of four--two bonus daughters by marriage, two sons by birth--and it is non-stop. We do so much darn laundry around here that it's coming out of our ears, somebody's always hungry, the sink is always filling up, somebody always has to go to the doctor, parent-teacher communications and conferences for three (next fall to be four) different teachers is a real pain, homework troubles are daily...you can see where I'm going. You mentioned that you stay at home, so I imagine you'll be doing the bulk of the work with more little ones; it is very rewarding overall, but realistically it sucks much of the time.

If your husband has concerns you should sit and seriously discuss them, perhaps with the help of an impartial third party (as a mediator) or a therapist. He is half the equation here, and he is looking at the situation in a different light than you are. He is concerned about money, and that is a BIG concern. You guys are lucky enough to have a home and a means of support for your family of four now, but the costs down the road can be astronomical, and they increase with every child. To put my boys into daycare right now costs roughly $315/week (for only four days), and our oldest daughter's braces cost around four grand.

Having a lot of kids can also be tough on your marriage. Somehow my husband and I manage to keep 3/4 of our sanity, but having four to look after and support really does take a toll on our relationship, especially sexually. I'm normally too tired and run down to want sex, and he's always upset by that. It's something to seriously consider.

The best thing I have found about a big family is that there is never a shortage of love. My daughters have each other to lean on and they help take care of their brothers; my sons are each other's bosom buddies and they adore their sisters. That part of having four is nice.

Good luck in whatever you decide. I'll say a prayer.

--M.

Hi Rachel,

I know how it is to feel like your family is not complete. I think you should sit your husband down and have a serious coversation with him. Tell him that you really want another child. Tell him if it's money that the problem that you will get a part time job. Stress to him how important it is to you to have another baby. Maybe he doesn't know how serious you are.

Hi Rachel,

I've never really wanted children that badly. My first husband who was an alcoholic didn't want a boy???, and we were lucky not to have one.

If you have to go to work to afford another child, then you won't be with that baby or your other children because you're going to be at work, and then you'll come home tired, and will have to take care of three children and be a companion and more to your husband.

Your husband will see less of you too. I think your husband needs to have equal say in this. If he's already feeling stressed out due to the money problem, if he doesn't want to do more child care, perhaps you'll need to find some other way to feel happy. Maybe you're a woman who just loves babies. But please don't cause marital discord when you have an intact family to raise your kids in. If there's something dissatisfying about your marriage that you're trying to fill up with another child, maybe it's time to think about it.

I'm full of theories from Psychology 101, when the professor acted out a famous theory about how children bond with their mothers. The chimpanzee babies related differently with various monkey models--the wire monkey, the soft flannel covered monkey, etc. (The teacher was hysterical, jumping around and making chimp sounds.) Anyway, the monkey babies would cling to the soft mother even when the wire monkey had food. They've also shown that a child who is held more and receives appropriate affection and care learns faster and retains more.

While I would usually say that this decision should be a mutual one between husband and wife, I do think that, psychologically speaking, some women have an instinctual need to have (more) children, while men do not have this instinct. Im not suggesting you get pregnant "accidentally" on purpose, if you know what I mean, but perhaps discuss with your husband that you have this longing and feel empty and incomplete, and stress that it is a woman thing to which he may be unable to relate.
The only other thing I would say is that it seems as though you have a lot going on in your life right now, and you may need to ask yourself if its practical, at least right now, to indulge your longing for another child.

You have gotten a lot of great advice and perspectives, wow! I have enjoyed reading them. People do say you know when you are done, but I think it also depends on what kind of person you are. For example, I would have loved a third myself, but I knew we'd stop at two because of finances and time, which are connected since I work full-time (need the money, so don't have extra time!!). We would both need bigger cars to fit the three, we'd lose our playroom, and we'd have kids in day care for about 9 years STRAIGHT, which would be a HUGE financial strain. I worried that we'd never be able to afford lessons, activities, and clothes for the kids, never mind college! But this is the kind of person I am, and I want my girls to have certain things and experiences in life that others might not value the same way. It's a personal thing, really, and comes down to what's best for you and your family. I know you don't work outside the home, but having bought a new house is a huge responsibility, and again, the practical side of me says you might want to wait until the dust has settled there. You do sound a little sad in some ways, not just because you want a third child, but because maybe you are missing some balance in your life? You mentioned that you liked working part-time... maybe it's time to explore what YOU might need and want as a woman and a growing person yourself in this world. We mothers put ourselves last all the time once kids arrive. Now that my youngest is no longer a baby, I do see why women keep having kids (missing the baby years, keeping yourself feeling young), but I think you should REALLY explore if it's another child you want or a little more/different fulfillment out of life. I wish you the best on your journey, whatever you decide!

Ever think about running a small home daycare? Someone just mentioned it to me. You get to have the joy of other children, make a little $$ & send them home at the end of the day. Just an out of the box thought. good luck