What Can I Do? - Cleveland,OH

Well first off it is her job to work with him and if she doesn't have patience, well then why is she teaching Kindergarten? Are there any other schools or services that you know of? My son was the same way. His teacher said that he may have said three words to him in the whole first semester. He was slower than any of my other kids but he is the oldest. Anyway he had to stay in Kindergarten for two years. He always had trouble socially and academically. I tried everything! I put him in tutoring, summer school, he went to the sylvan phonics program, he went to Aquinas College one day a week for tutoring too. Well finally when he was in the 4th grade, I had him tested and he in fact had a learning disablility. He in timed grew out of being anti social but yet to this day he is quite and shy. He now is in the ninth grade and socially is doing very well. He did so well is school last year that they put him in all regular classed except for Math. Well when he started ninth grade they really didn't have a spec. ed math class. They had basic math and regular math. Well he is in all regular classes and so far his grades are really good. We will monitor the first semester and see how he does and if he seems to be struggling then we will put him in a lower math class. I would keep monitoring him and if you have to get him tested then do it. There are special teachers that he would be entitled to and have plenty of patience for him to learn. My son never needed any kind of medication or anything, he just needed someone to work one on one with him all the time. Good luck to you L. I hope things go well for you!

Have you ever considered homeschooling? If you would like to consier it, let me know. I know some great ladies that homeschool that would love to talk with you.

J. F.

You might want to consider a type of public school, but it's an e-school. We do Ohio Virtual Academy. The website is ohva.org

Just give him time to adjust and adapt. Support him but don't force the issues because it may make him feel like he is wrong or that you are attacking him. Reassure him that everything will be fine and that everyday will get a little easier. It might not be a bad idea to go to school and observe him without him knowing and see exactly how his day goes. Then you can speak directly to him at home about what you saw and give him tips on how to interact. Once he becomes more comfortable and confident at school he will be able to mke friends at home as well. I have a 3 yr old son who is very shy and to himself especially in new enviornments. He is in an early pre-k program and he cried at first, didn't want to go, refused to eat all day, and barely played with the others. It concerned me and the staff so I went up there and observed, I went and spent a day in his class playing and singing songs, the whole day. I was trying to show him that school is fun, and playing with friends is fun, and he saw it as if mommy can do it so can I. Plus every morning I give him incentives to have a good day. Like a treat we he gets home if he eats lunch and has a good day, we watch a movie, go see grandma, things like that. His behavior lasted almost 3 weeks and then like a light switch turned on he was fine. He is like a new kid at school now. I hope this advice can help you a little. Good luck and stay strong for him!

L.:

If there is anyway to switch schools or teachers, I would do it. It may just be that the chemistry between them isn't good and she may not have what it takes to bring a child out of his shell. Has she offered any suggestions for you? I don't understand how teachers can just tell you something without making suggestions on how to improve his participation. Have you asked her how she has tried to get him to participate? Is he sitting in the front of the room? Could he have a hearing problem?

Sorry for so many questions, but he sounds so sweet and I think he just needs some special attention from his teacher. I'll bet he is super smart and is either bored or needs more one on one attention.

My son turned 5 in August when he started school and each year since he seems to of struggled and the teachers all said that 6 and 8 months make a big difference.
I would bet he has the same issues, starting school to early and you may also have years of struggle like I have with my son.
I agree with others, it may be best to pull him and go to a pre K and maybe only 2 days a week then 3 and maybe more if he adapts.
As for the neighborhood kids not wanting him around, sometimes thats a good thing if they feel like that, but if they seem to be pretty good kids, and you feel comfortable, then maybe if your son has something really cool that the others would like to join in on, then I bet they would change their tune.
R.

Dear L. T.,

I am a firm believer in going with your instincts. Starting Kindergarten and a move to a new neighborhood are major changes and adjustments. I find that my three children react very differently to stress and change. One is out-going and seems to bloom quickly, while my middle is so shy it takes quite a while.

My oldest turns 6 in October. She began Kindergarten this year and goes half day. It is a perfect fit for her and us. I am amazed at the number of kids in her class who are just now turning 5 and are about a year younger than her. So much can happen and change in months, never mind a year at this age.

I am a School Psychologist. It concerns me that your son says his teacher is mean. Esp in Kindergarten, patience is so important. I am also concerned as to why she would even describe him as "bottom" of his class in anything. Many Kindergartens do not get report cards until the end of the second quarter because the kids are adjusting to so much. I would consider meeting with her to discuss your concerns regarding his social life. I would definetly encourage her to find ways to include him in groups and help build friend-making skills. This is a huge part of Kindergarten. It sounds like you are able and willing to help him at home with the more academic stuff. (I would keep that light and fun. I really believe that the school day is long enough and that more pressure will not help you, your son, or the rest of the family.) I would expect the teacher to be empathetic, patient, and kind to you as well (as to your son). Frankly, anything else is unacceptable. I would expect her to make you feel better. I always tell parents that they really are their child's best and only advocate. You are doing your job by tuning into to your son and figuring out productive ways to encourage and support him. He is one lucky boy! Best wishes.

I'm not saying all boys are the same but generally boys don't pick up on things at a young age especially school. My first son I didn't have any choice but to send him late because he has an October birthday and he never really struggled in school. My second son went at 6 1/2 and he still struggles, being a senior this year. Average grades but just never excelled in any subject. The third I sent at 5 1/2 because he had a May birthday and he was a lot like your boy. He finished kindergarten and said to me one day "I'm stupid, everyone else can read and I can't." I felt so bad for him but after the second, wasn't going to go through struggling in school with another. I decided to keep him in kindergarten an extra year and today, in 7th grade, he does very well, usually making the merit or honor roll. The fourth has an August birthday so I kept him out until he turned 6 and he's doing fine. Had a few problems with reading in kindergarten, first and second grade but this year, has shown much improvement. It's just one of those things I guess. You do the best you can because these little ones don't come with instructions but you'll have to make that decision and just go with your heart. You won't regret it. Good luck~

I feel for you. My son is similar, but seams to be coming out of his shell the last few months. He is in pre-school, but last year he was very shy, didn’t play with more than 2 kids at a time, and his teacher said he never smiled. This year, I am seeing some improvements. Have you considered finding him a smaller school for kindergarten? I know there are at least 3 church pre-schools in my area that offer 3 year old pre-school, though Kindergarten and many do a pre-k program as well, where he could be in a smaller environment and get some more confidence. If that is not an option, try to connect with some of the other mothers in his class, and see if you can help facilitate a friendship with play dates, etc. At the very least, you will learn the other kids names so you can ask about them when talking to your son. Good luck, and keep listening to your son, it is hard to tell if his teacher really is “mean”, but no matter what, there is something making him not comfortable

L.:

I had the same issues with my son. I finally switched schools. I was hearing the same things from his teacher, but was getting a totally different kid at home. Since I switched schools, he is doing so much better!! Not sure if that is an option for you...but worth a shot!

D.

L. -

As others have said, my heart goes out to you. I have a 4 1/2 year old girl who just started preschool, and I was a little worried about her since she is shy. A friend of mine at church has 2 girls (3 and 5), with the 5 y.o. being painfully shy. It wasn't til parent/teacher conference that the teacher in her Pre-K class even mentioned that she never spoke to anyone and pretty much played by herself. My friend would ask her daughter about playing with others and she would always respond 'yes' with details. She then realized that these 'conversations and playtime activities' were all in her little girl's imagination. So we have playdates with her 2 daughters and my 2 daughters. We started these last spring, and since we go to the same church and the girls see each other anyway about twice a week - they were more comfortable with each other. So maybe having playdates with neighbors/friends may help -- and I agree with the suggestion about signing him up for an activity. My friend's daughter has THRIVED in our church's kids choir - she is not shy about singing at all -- good luck!
julie

L., I don't know if this is an option for you, but we have had great success with OHVA which is an online Ohio charter school. Essentially you would be home schooling your son using an online program, but with the support of an Ohio certified teacher. In describing your son, you could have been describing my youngest son at that age. His entire kindergarden year was wasted. When I began home schooling him, he did much better academically and socially. Perhaps your son is like mine was and just needs a little more time to prepare to handle social interaction. Infinite Blessings! Kristy

Hi L.,

I have a 4 year old son with a personality similar to your sons. He is in preschool for his second year now. For about the first 2 months last year, he cried everyday when I dropped him off. It was so hard for me to leave my baby when he was so upset. The teachers told me that he parallel played with the students and didn't talk to the teachers unless he needed something. I was so sad that I made my child go through that. By the end of the year, he warmed up a little, but not much. Even though it was so hard for us both, it was good for him and socially he is a completely different child, in most situations.

You might want to read the book The Highly Sensitive Child and check out the website www.hsperson.com. It really helped us to understand my sons personality.

As for your son, I wouldn't hesitate in pulling him out and keeping him at home for another year. You just have to be careful when explaining why to him. You don't want him to think that he can quit things easliy, especially school. A year of maturity could do wonders for next year. If you do decide to pull him out, be sure that you have him engaged in socail activites with kids his own age. He really needs to have social interaction.

Good luck.

GO TO HIS CLASS AND OBSERVE. TALK TO HIS TEACHER SOME MORE. GET DIRECT OPINIONS FROM OTHER PARENTS ABOUT THE TEACHER. MY DAUGHTER TURNS 7 IN OCTOBER AND SHE IS IN FIRST GRADE, DOING WELL. THAT EXTRA YEAR FOR SUMMER BABIES JUST GIVES THEM A JUMP START ON MATURITY. DON'T WORRY IF HE STARTS KINDERGARTEN NEXT YEAR. IT IS ALOT TO ASK OF A 5 OR 6 YEAR OLD - ALL DAY.

Would it be possible to invite some kids in the class and their mothers over for a playdate? It might be a little less scary for him on his own turf. Also you would be able to make some friends yourself. :) I would suggest just inviting the whole class and having them RSVP. You will probably at most only get maybe 3 or 4 show up if you are lucky. I have 4 yr old triplets. They are in MSRP (free preschool) this year and were in HEad Start last year. Last year they had to be split up and my daughter who is the dominant of the 3 got put into a room alone while her brothers were together. She didnt talk to anyone for 2 -3 months. She did warm up eventually. If you decide to have the play group let us know how it goes.

Hugs and good luck,
M.
mom to Christina 15
Isabella, Logan and Brody 4
PRESCHOOL STARTED TODAY YAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wow! That sounds awful for you and your little guy. My sister-in-law is a teacher and mother of 3 and when I told her of my concerns about my 4 year old daughters 1st year of preschool she had some good advice. I'd like to talk to her about your situation. Last year they called my child a loner (which according to my sister-in-law thought was very innapropriate). She doesn't make friends easily. I changed preschools this year because my gut told me something wasn't right.
Anyway, one thing I was told is that right away you should put the situation back in the teachers lap. Respond by saying here is what I do at home to encourage him now what could you be doing with him at school. A good teacher will recognize the situation and make accomodations or take some type of positive actions during school to keep him interested and work on his social skills. If you would like, I will read your email to my sister-in-law for more suggestions. She had some great perspective on the teachers role in solving issues. Plus he is young and my daughter still has trouble approaching other children to "make friends" even though if they approach her first she is shy then warms up. Do you know why the neighborhood kids make fun of him? Thats puzzling. Maybe you need to invite the kids over for something fun and see how they respond to the situation and your son. Let me know if you want more input, I also have a good friend who has 5 and 4 year old boys, one just started kindergarden and she was a teacher previously. She usually has some good tips. My email is ____@____.com if you want to respond directly. Best of Luck.
Sincerely,
T.

L.,

My brother was backwards, socially, when he first started kindergarten (he also has a summer birthday). Mom and Dad pulled him out, and put him in preschool where the teachers were more patient and there was more free play so he could interact with other children. They also put him in TBall so he could play with other kids. He was much more prepared the next year for school. Our daughter just turned five this summer and started kindergarten. She's shy, but doing alright. I actually went back and forth on whether to hold her back, but she's had two years of preschool and I (hope) is ready for it. I'd, personally, pull him out and find a nice preschool with a structure that's not too structured! Then he'll learn how to interact with other kids, and maybe he'll be able to talk with those neighborhood kids too (what the heck is wrong with their parents anyhow, that they have such values? My daughter plays with everyone because that's how we raised her!).

Best wishes and God Bless!

Hi L.,
This is from an "old mother"...I have a Junior and Senior in High School. One is the oldest in the class, the other, the youngest. If I knew then what I know now, I would have had the one with the July birthday wait another year. She has excelled in every aspect, but now, as we start the college search, she is probably not as mature as she should be. Holding him out a year has NO draw backs...particulary with a summer birthday and a boy. Pull him out, put him in a pre-k program and don't worry! It sounds like he is just not ready. Nothing more, lots of kids respond this way and another year gives them confidence. You already have guessed this, it is ok to follow what your heart is telling you! Besides if he is your youngest it means you have him home for one more year before college...

i agree with Michelle. i would try and get a playgroup together. that way you can see for yourself exactly how he acts around other kids. i myself have not had this problem because my 6yr old is very outgoing. (so much so that it is scary b/c she will talk to ANYBODY). maybe as you drop him off at school ask him to make a new friend or find a friend in his class that likes the same things he does (whether its soccer, football, playing with legos, or anything). that way he might feel more comfortable if someone else is interested in the same things he is. hope i was of help. good luck!

~A.~

L.,
Only a mother knows. I say this because I have been wher you are and I had to make a decision on what would be best for my son. It is not easy, it wasn't for me at least. My son is 4 he will be 5 in November.

Last year his preschool teacher told me that my son may not be ready for the Kindergatern experience. Both of my parents (who are educators) said send the boy to kindergarten...he'll be fine. In-laws said essentially the same thing. Husband siad what ever you decide, I'm behind you. So I had 2 monts to decide.

the kindergarten in his area is an ALL-DAY, with alot on the cirriculum. I know my son is smart, in some areas and lacking in others. But he had trouble focusing (what 4 year old doesn't) you can ask him to write his name and by the time you say write yo...he's already gone some place else.

Fortunatly, in our area they have a MAGNET PROGRAM (formerly known as early five for kids that are ready for school but need to move at a different, more hands on pace-yes it's a public school program). So far he is doing great, at the end of the year the parent has the choice to send the child to 1st grade or to go through "regular" kindergarten.

Check to see if this program is in your area, I know I made the right choice for my son...I know he will catch up but I wanted him to enjoy success, and love school...not dread his first experience.
Again, only you know what's best for your child.
R.

Hi L.-
My son is in first grade now but when he started kindergarten he had just turned 5 (his birthday is in August) I worried alot about how he would do being one of the youngest in his class but he did pretty good he is however having a very hard time adjusting this year to being in school all day because he only went to half day kindergarten I am not sure if it is his age or what but he cries and says how much he misses my husband and I. I am not sure if this is a realistic option for you but have you thought about pulling him out and waiting till next year? It is still early in the school year and another year may make a big difference for him. The only other thing I can sugggest is maybe an activity like gymnastics or karate or something it may be the confidence builder he needs my son just started gymnastics because he can go to class the same time as his sister and actually loves it. Good luck I know what a worry this can be.

N.

Talk to the school counselor as well. He/She can go in and observe for you and see how your child is behaving/responding in class. They can usually offer you suggestions as well. There is always the option of changing teachers but you usually have to fight to make that happen. With your sons personality that may make it harder on him though. You should be allowed to observe at anytime. If the teacher tells you know I would be very concerned. Your son will act differently with you there but you may get to see his interactions with others. Are you allowed to take in treats? Some times that helps children to soften up to other children. Maybe you could make a weekend palydate with a child in your neighborhood. That way the parents are around to see any possible negative reaction and it allowd your son to be one on one with you still close by.
Good luck!

My daugher started k the same time your child did & when she started first gr they told me she was socially immature. i had a hard time deciding what to do but i pulled her out of first gr & put her back in k. it was the best thing i could have done for her. My daughter too was a social butterfly everywhere else but in school. she was very shy. its all changed now. she is in the fifth grade now & i am so happy w/ her. she has a great attitude & she is socially in a great place. Go w/ your heart. If i were u, take him out, put him in a group that meets once maybe twice a week for just an hr or so & see how that goes. I would still have plenty of playdates too. i hope this helps u please keep us posted. M.

L.,
My heart goes out to you. My little boy just started Kindergarden and he is the youngest in his class. He won't be 5 till October 19th. Have you talked to the principal of the school. What about having your little one and two or three of the kids from his class play together at your home. You might even consider pulling him out of school and starting him at one of the YMCA day programs or a Montessori Program. I have used both and they are wonderful. Good Luck
CJ

Hi L.,
I am sorry to hear about your little guy ,but First off, If you feel there is something up with his teacher I would take a few hours out of work, and see if you can volunter in his class, or just plain talk to her, if you cant get time off. But if you feel that she is not taking an interest in him or helping him, have a chat with her, and worse if that doesn't work, the principle, they are the ones with your child all day, and they should at least try to help them the best they can you need to be patient with them, My mom has been a teacher for 25 yrs, I have very high standards for a teacher, and you should get to the bottom of that.

When I first moved to a new town with my son when he was 2, I looked up play groups, on the internet in the area, I found ones that were free, and fun, for him to interact with more children. They do are projects, and meet at parks and stuff in ther area, or sometimes you can find mothers group in some local churches. My son loves to talk to everyone, so he never had a problem with that but maybe if he can find some other friends outside the neighborhood, then he could get better social skills. Good luck!

When my son was in 1st grade all i heard from his teacher he was a young 6 or 7 year old. But i am hear to tell you that teachers can make our kids want or not want to go to school. Get him out of that class. Or talk to the teacher,my son cried almost every day. Talking about stress. My son was a very shy child at that age. Good luck.