What Makes a Kid, a Happy Adult?

I think you've asked one of those questions that has no "do it this way" answer -- much like how to you know if you're child is really trying in school or it's over his head?

I have a 26 year old child who has had his ups and downs, as have most children. At 13 -- his impolosion year -- I don't think I could have given him away. I also raised a child knowing that there would be a time he'd go out on his own, and he'd was responsible for his own actions. I did not bail him out of all of his mistakes, I did not try to entertain him every second of every day (I wanted him to be happy without the continual entertainment of "stuff"), I did not intercede in his fights (unless I thought it was ABSOLUTELY necessary). I told him I was behind him, would stand next to him, but I wouldn't stand in front of him to allow him to misuse people's feelings or his own.

I think some of the adults of today are irresponsible and selfish. I think some parents, in their attempts to help their children, did not show their children how to get along with people, how to survive well, were too eager to always find fault with the other person. (PLease don't think I didn't go to bat for this child when I thought something was wrong -- but beleive me, not every teacher is wrong all the time, the coach is not wrong all the time, etc.)

We smelled the flowers, we spent time together, we talked, we played, we "studied" together. He did not have a television in his room -- why do we feel our children are not part of a family?

I think childen become happy adults because they're happy children. I think children become happy because they've learned to fit well into their relationships, know their parents love them, they have a purpose in life (Yes, I did think, at times, Tony's purpose was to make sure I lost my mind, patience, temper.....).

I'll leave you with two things:
In fifth grade, my son said to me, "You're destroying my self-esteem."

I looked at him, and told him, "Let's get real! In real life, you don't get to do make-overs, take tests again because you failed them. In real life, Tony, you'll be fired for not completing a project on time, for treating people like you're treating your friends. School is to help you learn stuff you'll need when you become an adult. You'll find your self esteem comes from knowing you did a job well and not because you were handed it."

Secondly, my wise mother told me, "You're allowed to have a personality conflict with one or two people, but if you're having a personality conflict with everyone, then it's you!"

Good luck. The fact you're asking how to make a child a happy adult says to me you're on the right path. Parenting is hard darn work!

My son is now a well-liked, wonderful young adult. He doesn't do everything I think he should and some of his decisions are not ones I would have made. But just because it's not mine doesn't mean it's wrong. Seems to be happy ...

This is a great (and very complex) question! I will tell you what we do and I'll most likely receive alot of flak for this,but,it's what works for us and our children(although still very young)are very happy.
Our most important theory on child rearing is that WE come first.We hold hands,we make time for dates,we spend every extra moment we can together,we put our conversations first,etc.etc.etc. Don't get me wrong-depending on the situation-ie:they're sick,hurt,extremely upset,etc.-then,of course it would be them,but,in an average situation-it's US.

Now,before I get a million "You're horrible Parents!!!" I'll give you our reasoning on this: I come from a divorced family;my father was a VERY abusive alcoholic(to my mother and eventually he would've started in on my little brother),but, I have a huge extended family that we are ridiculously close to.My husband comes from a family that is,umm,uuuggghhhh. His parents divorced about 2yrs ago (after 32yrs of marriage)at his mothers' undying request.His parents are unbelievably screwed up(even more than mine..lol)ie: his father comes here or calls here only when he wants to find out info about his mother....what was she wearing today? how was her hair fixed? when u talked to her at work what was she doing? are u sure it was a client in her office? how long did it take her to answer the phone? He's OBSESSED w/ her!! He was like that when they were married,also. Her boss had to get a restraining order against him because he busted in the office one morning and beat him up because he's convinced himself that they're having an affair! When that happenned, he bought a set of binoculars so he could sit at the gas station across the street from her office and watch her through the windows!! He treated my hubby HORRIBLE as a child because of his jealousy of the mothers love for him. Anyhow-that is why we have made it a priority to let our children know that the love we have for each other comes first and foremost! Not to tell them that they're NOT important,but to ASSURE them that they ARE! Momma and Daddy came first and because of our love for each other, they came second;in order of appearance-lol. We have come to realize that if we teach our children that we will always be there to love and care for each other, than hopefully that will instill good values in them and will teach them to strive for it in thier adult lives.We both dated numerous people before "finding"lol, each other.We want our children to know that you don't have to "settle" as our parents did and hopefully the choices we are making w/ each other will assure them that there is happiness out there!

We spend alot of time(when my hubby's not working)doing things w/ the kids.They love doing yard work,going to the park,eating out for lunch,hitting up the flea market,etcetcetc)Of course, there's plenty that they know that only one parent generally does(I go grocery shopping, he cuts the grass)and they each enjoy doing those things w/ us.We go to two Mari Gras balls every season and every time they think we are going to get married! lol...they love seeing us leave in our black tie formal wear. We HOPE that the reaosn they don't get upset and cry when we go out is because we've taught them that momma and daddy need time alone,also.And they don't find that threatening; it makes them happy and excited for us! We feel that we have helped to show our children that if they need,want, hope for something,they can come to BOTH of us-not play each other off the other one for something that makes them happy.Family unit to us comes first and we believe that a happy family starts w/ happy parents-hopefully they will believe the same when they become parents.

Happiness is a choice. Don't take the responsibility for making your kids happy. They will figure that out quickly and say things like "I won't be happy unless you......" Instead, teach them that they choose to be happy or choose not to be happy. Set an expample for your children by pointing out the good in things. I often refer to this as "framing." I have a good example of how framing can make identical experiences have totally different outcomes on people. I took a group of students to some caves for a field trip. Our leader told the children that they would feel drips of water- called cave kisses. If they were to feel a "cave kiss" that is considered very lucky. She told them that the more cave kisses that they get, the luckier they are. My group emerged from the cave all excited proudly annoucing how may cave kisses they received. The leader of the group behind us just took her group through the cave and only explained the rules before entering. That group emerged from the exact same experience wiping of the drips and voicing how disgusting the experience was. They never wanted to return. When my sister went through a divorce, she was worried about how her sons would view certain things. Our key word for that situation was "cave kisses." That was our cue to remind her to give the situations a positive frame. Sometimes one of my children will tattle on another. I will respond with "Wow that's great. That means that .....(I'll come up with a positive spin)" and the child will say "yeah" and run off. This doesn't work every time, but sometimes they just want to see your reaction. The best thing you can do is model kindness, show them how to handle negative situations with grace, and surround them with positive people. It's not one thing, it's a process. Good luck.

wow,twin boys, how energetically exciting is that!

I too wanted to raise holistically happy, healthy children who would then grow into holistically healthy and happy adults. It was my only wish as a child to be a wonderful mom who could give such joy to my children! However, life offers many challenges, disappointments, changes daily, and lessons as well. The fact is we can do our best in giving to our children everything we have to give in the way of love, care and emotional support, but eventually they choose their own paths. The foundation given to them as children, I believe stays with them forever and tugs at them from time to time. That doesn't mean they will follow that path, however. Life offers challenges, decisions to be made, difficult lessons, and consequences. It has been my experience regardless of what we teach and give to our children they must learn by their own decisions which at times do not bring the results they'd hoped to gain. Therein lays the lesson. And more important than what we say to our children is what we do.

Children learn by what they see, not by what they hear so much. Our actions may depict a totally different story than our spoken words. Think about what stands out in your mind most regarding your childhood. Was it something your mother said to you, or the way she lived her life? What were her daily emotions demonstrating for you? Was it joy, or distress just to give a couple of examples?

I read a book written by Dr. Wayne Dyer called HOW TO RAISE HAPPY CHILDREN. That book was the best advice I could give any parent who wants what you want for your children. Read it, ponder it, and if you want more Dr.Dyer sells cassettes, dvd's, and chats live on HayHOuse Radio.com from time to time. Also, there is a movie out called YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE by Louise Hay. It's price is only $4.95 I strongly suggest that you watch it, memorize its contents, and later when the boys are old enough to grasp the concept, share it with them.

YOu'll be pleasantly surprised with the outcome of your efforts. I've no doubt. A happy child usually comes from happy parents who love themselves, love each other and love their children!

God Bless You, S. and your little family also.

sincerely,
D.

this is what we strive for, happy children that turn into happy adults. this is something i think of regularly and i listen to my friends and their trials with their children, i also ask them what their childhood was like, just so i can have ideas and try to avoid mistakes that other people have made. it's all a learning process, but this i do know. i am one of the happiest people i know :-) my parent's spent TIME with us. they struggled financially so my mom could stay home with us and i'm so grateful for that. my brother and i didn't have the 'latest' and greatest things, but we had fun! we played outside, went fishing, gardened, talked to each other, i see so many families so disconnected with each other, all moving in different directions, mom's on the cell phone, kids are texting, dad looks like he would rather be getting a root canal. i refuse to let that happen to my family. i try to make every day chores and responsibilies fun and adventurous. and i don't try to buy my kids' love, i have taught them at young ages about money and earning things, about respect for each other, and that we do not need to 'keep up with the jones'. through my observations and experience, the main reasons for being unhappy as adults is debt, disconnection from family, and wanting material things that don't matter. don't get me wrong, we have a beautiful home, nice vehicles (1 paid for always), and we eat out 1 time a week, but this is all within our means. when i see a program on tv about children in africa or another country about children, orphans, poverty, my husband and i sit down and watch it with our children, we want them to see that some kids only want a book of their own and nothing else!

one of my proudest moments came a few months ago. my 7 year old daughter and i attend 'missionettes' on wed nights at a local church. each year we raise money for a mission, this year we were raising money for an orphanage in bangladesh, buying bunk beds for children sleeping on the floor. each bed was $7, $14 for a set. my daughter, macey, had hit grandma's, grandpa's, uncle josh, and friends for change. she received $12 in a birthday card and without even thinking she said, 'mom! i can buy almost 2 beds with this money!' she gave her birthday money!! i emailed everyone i knew and the very next week, she received over $300! many of the checks were from people we didn't even know, my email contacts had emailed their contacts. it was so exciting receiving all the cards and letters. i think many people were reminded that we live in such excess, and this little girl, with her precious giving heart, was giving her birthday money to try and make a difference. anyway, i just wanted to share that with you, even the little things we do and say leave an imprint on them and plant seeds in their little hearts that grow and who knows?? all we can do is our best and when we fail, apologize, and keep going. just the fact that you care enough to ask others 'what makes happy adults' means you are doing a great job and you have very lucky little boys. sorry i went on and on :-) all my best....

Well i'll tell you what my mom told me theres no hand book that comes with you'r kids you do the best you can w/ what you got and make the best of evertything good and bad. You trust in god instill him in you'r children they will make mistakes everyone does,but let them know you love them no matter what and theres nothing they do that they can come to you young or old that you won't help them with even if it's just a shoulder to cry on or a much needed hug and when things get to bad for anyone to handle turn it over to god he will handle the rest.

I too am concered with my boys becoming happy adults. I believe love is the key. Give your children love all the time even when they do something unexpected. I am sometimes shocked by how my boys respond T. peer presure but when I disipline them with love they don't make the same mistake twice. As long as you know that they are wonderful, they will know that they are wonderful, and they will become peferctly happy adults.

Well my parents were from Sicily and had no education.

However they gave me the following

1 - we prayed together daily and I learned that there is a God which gave us the 10 commandments. I tried to live by these 10 comandments.

2 - we went to church each sunday together

3 - they gave all of us love which I felt was equally given to all four children.

with my two daughters -
1 - I was not there, due to the type of work I did - to pray daily. However I did my best to make sure we went to mass each sunday and holiday of obligations as a family

2 - we gave them love on a equal basis

3 - when they became young adults I had their mother tell them the a b c of life

4 - we did our best to give them a good education. By this they were told the importance of education. That I wold hold 2 or 3 jobs to give them the best education available. I let them know that once they did not go to school they had to get a job and ex amount of pay went to the home.

5 - As young teenagers for the holidays we made them drinks 7 up cherry juice and a cherry. We told the the importance of drinking responsible.

6 - As young teenagers we sat down as a family and I told them that smoking was not only a bad habit, it was and expensive habit, and it affects one health. That we wanted them to give it some serious thought when they were offerred cigarettes. I told them neither their mother or I smoked an that we did not wish the house to be contaminated.

We were blessed, as neither smoked or became alcoholics.
We were blessed as each has a good husband.

Yes today we are blessed in many ways!

God Bless

Well, it's great to know that you are receptive of ideas... Always encourage them to try new things, spend quality time with them... and one-on-one time... atleast 15 minutes a day when possible...and #1 be positive... correct misbehavior without being negative! avoid the word "NO" if at all possible... that can be hard at times but you can teach yourself to re-word sentences! Oh... and routine always helps! These are just a few things I have learned in my years of experience as a childcare provider and parent of a beautiful 8 year old boy! I wish you the best of luck!!!

Hi! I agree with so much that has been said. The best thing you can give your children is you -- your time. I have a 14 year old daughter, and had been married 10 years before she was born. When she was the age of your twins, we would go out in the yard and spend hours looking at rocks, insects, just exploring the yard. She would swing and play in the sandbox. I'm sure the house could have used some cleaning, but the time spent with her was much more important. Also, I would play with her inside -- puzzles, blocks, etc. And most important of all, I think, I read to her A LOT. At 14, we still read a little bit together every night. You don't have to buy a lot of fancy toys, but just spend time with them -- play with Play Dough, buy washable paints and have at it...

Also -- listen to them. No matter how funny or off-the-wall their ideas are, listen to them with respect. Show them that their opinion matters (even though you are the mom and may need to compromise or suggest another course of action)... show them respect.

I think you are a wonderful mom for asking this question! Best wishes!

I was raised by a great mom and I am a very happy person. She never tried to "mold" us into what she wanted us to be. She let us be free to be ourselves. We didn't have many rules, I didn't know what being grounded meant when my friends said they were, I never had a set curfew as a teenager, etc. But my mom was a hardworking single mom and my sister and I did not want to make things harder for her; we genuinely wanted to make her happy so we were very good kids. That said, certain things were non-negotiable. Our manners had to be impeccible, we had to be courteous and respectful to others, we couldn't run around wild in stores, we had to walk with our hands behind our backs in stores with breakables, she stressed the importance of education, read to us all the time when we were little, took us to museums, musicals, the ballet, and symphony concerts, picnics, and we loved it. But most of the time it was more like we were three friends. With my child, I will enforce good manners, being respectful and courteous (if you are nice to others then they will like you and be nice to you and that will make you happier), but most importantly she will be free to discover and become herself without me trying to push her in a certain direction. I had so many friends whose parents pushed them into sports (when they'd rather be in art) or a particular religion or other activities that they didn't like as kids and they were so unhappy. That's my best piece of advice. Let them be free to become their own person and don't try to mold them into your idea of what they should be. But that doesn't mean no discipline or structure. Certain things will be non-negotiable, like getting a good education, trying her best at school, etc. But if my daughter says she wants purple hair when she's a teenager that's okay, if she says she's gay, that's okay (as opposed to some parents who try to change them), if she wants to be athletic and into sports, that's okay, if she wants to be in music or art, that's okay, if she's shy, that's okay, if she's outgoing, that's okay. The important thing is that the kids feel valued and accepted for WHO THEY ARE and not pushed into activities they do not want to do or feel pressured to change and pretend they love playing basketball because their parents played basketball and loved it, etc. In my opinion, the same goes for religion. Many parents who follow some sort of religious faith force their children to follow the same faith and I disagree with that. If they want their kids to be religious, try exposing them to all the different world relgigions when they are old enough and let them make that decision for themselves. Just a thought. THen they won't feel it is forced on them. So basically, the parent still needs to be in control (unruly kids with no respect for others - that's unacceptable behavior) but if you give them the choices to be who they are and love and accept them for who they are, they might respect you and not be as rebellious as the kid who is forced to do everything by stricter parents. Anyway, that's my take on it. Treat them with respect, expect them to treat you with respect, don't give them everything they want because then they will grow up thinking everything will be handed to them on a plate, make them work for a car or extras they want as a teen, instill in them that the world does not owe them a living and that they will have to work for what they get and take responsibility for their own actions. Also, when they are young, HAVE FUN. Be silly, go on spontaneous little adventures. Don't stay home and watch TV, go on crazy exciting adventures, make up stories, discover secret "fairy homes" in the backyard, give them a childhood of warm happy memories. Don't try to be supermom and cram in a million activities and exhaust everyone. Eat together as a family. Listen to your kids and show you are interested. Laugh a lot as a family. Be silly. When they are babies, nurture and cuddle them and don't leave them to "cry it out" all the time, so they grow up to feel secure and wanted and loved. Good luck from a very happy girl!

I am no expert. That being said.... I think allowing your children to master their life is a major part of future happiness. This builds confidence in them. They know they can do things on their own and do it well. Guide them, while encouraging them... let them fail and call them opportunities to learn something. Then let go when it is time. Then they will grow into these confident, capable adults that we want to see. This, I believe is a key to happiness for all of us.

S.,

I'm a 56 year old happily married mother of three grown children and a new grandmother to a 9 month old grandson.

I had a troubled childhood with an alcoholic father and a stressed-out, often difficult mother so when I had children, I wanted to make sure I mothered them very differently. I used to say that every time I had a question about a discipline problem or even the day-to-day questions a mom has, I'd think about what my mother did to me and do the opposite. Well, I did mother that way for the most part but I also had enough memories of some good times with grandparents (and parents) that I used their modeling.

When our children were infants, I rocked them, read to them and taught them songs and nursery rhymes. We spent a lot of time on the floor playing and I have to admit, the clean clothes sat for a couple of days on the sofa waiting to be folded because I tried to keep my priorities in order and used my time making sure our kids felt loved, cared for and nurtured.

When our youngest child was 1 1/2 years old, my dad committed suicide and that sent me into a tailspin. I retreated to my bedroom after my husband returned home from work. Not meaning to, I have to say, the suicide shut me down for years afterward. I did not handle it well at all. I still grieve for our children the loss of their mother during those years. I think my depression affected them greatly.

I tell you this only so that you will see the contrast. Before my dad's death, I was a happy mom with happy kids. After the suicide, I know my emotional absence affected them. Fortunately for the two older children, they grew into wonderful young women. They are strong christians and very solid and grounded. Our youngest child, who probably was more affected by my state of mind, is still a wonderful young man of 24, but he has had his problems with alcohol and drug use. With a lot of prayer, he seems to be pulling out of that now.

What I'd suggest to any mother: Read to your children, sing to and with them, teach them rhymes and their ABC's. Kids LOVE to learn. But the most important things you can ever do is PRAY for them...from the date you learn you're expecting. Pray that they will grow into adults who are grounded in their faith and who live lives or integrity and service to others. Make sure you and your spouse model good behavior and when the strong winds begin to blow and you find your life boat emotionally rocked to its' core, don't afford yourself the luxury of taking too much time away from them, even if you are grieving deeply. Of course, take time to care for yourself and get counseling if needed, but don't forget that your little ones need YOU---a healthy and grounded mother.

My parents were not totally great, but they tried, and my kids (14 and 10) are turning out great. I have two pieces of advice that I don't think are being followed a lot today: 1. Pay attention to your kids! If you don't, other kids and the media will take your place. And 2. Do not baby your kids. I see many parents who for whatever reason refuse to discipline their kids, make them behave, make them work, deny them things like media and foods that are not good for them. There seems to be a big sentimental feeling that kids should "be kids" for as long as possible, which means they should not be asked to be responsible and should cultivate a taste for gooey sentimentality and never be exposed to adult concerns at all. No wonder they never grow up!

Try to make time for each individual on a regular basis doing things THEY enjoy. It'll keep you young and you'll know where they're at as they grow.

God Bless,
~V~

sorry I responded for the wrong message..

First and foremost teach them Christian principles from the Bible. God's plan is the perfect plan for every aspect of life including parenting. He created the family and wrote the original "book" on it. Secondly, love each child unconditionally. Teach them that there are consequences to their wrong choices, but that your love never changes no matter what they do. CONSISTENCY is the key to child rearing and they feel safer with consistent boundaries. They will know where you stand and what you limits are. Good luck! I have two of the most wonderful adult children...26 and 24 and wouldn't trade motherhood for anything!!!! Can't wait for precious GRANDCHILDREN!!!!!

Kudos to you for asking this question! It's something I wonder and worry about my self. I agree with everything that has already been said. They key is moderation. Giving in all the time can make you friends but it won't make you a parent. There are studies out now about letting your children make mistakes and letting them feel pain( toys breaking, Dog got lost, etc...) verses constantly sheilding them. They need to go through the hard times to learn how to better deal with them so that they don't depend on someone else to fix it. Good luck but again it's been said before if your already asking how then you are on the right path!

I wish I knew. It's hard to say. Good Luck!!!!

That is a wonderful question for a mother to ask and knowledge for her to seek. There is only one answer and that is for you to instill in your children a deep and abiding love for their Creator. If children grow up with the Truth of how much God loves them and how they can always depend on Him because He will ALWAYS be there with them to help them through every trial and tribulation, they will experience true joy.

They need to know and understand that life will not be rosey and beautiful all the time, there WILL BE troubles, but that they can be of good cheer (happy) through every hard event or situation because Jesus has overcome this world and He will walk through every bad/sad/hurtful thing with them.

The path they will walk is all about making good choices. They will have choice after choice to make. Teach them to choose life, not death. Teach them about choices and consequences. Get them prepared.

Most importantly, lead them to invite Jesus into their hearts as Savior, then make Him Lord, too. This will ensure a lifetime of joy.

Blessings
Grami

I consider myself to be a reasonably happy adult. My parents were always there for me and my brother. They taught us the value of life and hard work. We were never pampered, but always had enough of the necessities. Even when we were punished for doing wrong, we knew that we were loved. There were no blurred lines; things were right or wrong and my parents never waivered on it. They supported us in everything we tried to achieve. Ultimately, I think discipline, good values and lots of love are why my parents have 2 happy, level headed children and 3 bright eyed, happy grandchildren (all toddlers). Your boys will be just fine.
J.

Routine, self pride, and self esteem.
B.