What Is the Definition of SPOILED?

On this site I found a link to awareparent.com It pretty much sums it up for me. My 5 year old doesn't get upset when she doesn't get her way. I get upset when I don't get MY way! LOL

I am a 55 year old mother of three adult children and grandmother of six. I so appreciate your dedication to your son and making sure his needs are met, as well as how much you enjoy him. Our children definitely grow up way too fast and many times just the time it takes to support them by keeping a roof over their head and food in their bellies can take away from that time needed just to spend with them.

That being said I notice a few things that you mention that urges me to give you caution in your focus, not only with yourself but also for your son.

#1 - your goal in life is to be as perfect of a mom as you can be. A very noble and worthy goal. (I was a single of mom of three for over 4 years so know the motive to be the best parent I could be for my daughters!). The trouble with that is what is that saying to your son? You have no other goal than to be there for him? You have no other ambition or interest in life that you wish to pursue? What where your interests before you became a mother? You didn't stop being an individual with interests or pursuits when you become a mother. Your world just increased in richness with the addition of this precious person.

I worry that your son is getting the wrong message from you - that you are his sole playmate/audience/benefactor that is available at his every beck and call... the fact that you notice that he "makes you feel bad" when he doesn't get his way says volumes!

#2 Who is the parent/adult here? Who is the child? Who leans on who for their feeling of well-being, self-worth, appreciation, etc? Does being a "perfect" parent affect how you see yourself as a worthy person? What is the definition of a perfect parent? Whose definition are you living by: yours or your son's? Again who is the one with the life experience to even have a definition of the "perfect parent"?

#3 Reaching for "perfection" and basing your expectations on that is setting yourself up for failure over and over. No parent is perfect (just ask every teenager! or ask yourself about your parents' failures... look also at what they did right!). To expect yourself to be what cannot be is putting way too much pressure on yourself! Relax... enjoy the journey of parenting knowing that you will make mistakes, but mistakes can be learned from, not only for your growth as a person but also for your son's growth. After all who better to teach him to accept his failures and learn from them than you!

#4 Read books about age of children and what kinds of responsibilities and attitudes to expect at each age. Remember you are the adult, he is the kid and needs you to guide him and teach him the lessons in life that are age appropriate for him in his learning curve.

#5 Five year olds can learn not to complain... and they don't need bribery, they need consequences for their choices. You obviously enjoy walking and part of the agreement/plan for getting a dog was taking care of the dog appropriately... walking is one of the appropriate ways to take care of the dog. Five year olds also don't get the concept of consistent care... they are still into play, make believe. So here is an opportunity for him to learn... dogs need care (not always fun or convenient to what we want to do right now) and whether he complains or not... the dog must be walked. One of my daughter's consequences for her daughter (6 years old) is to reward her daughter with a quarter for a good attitude, doing her chores, playing nicely with her younger brother, sharing, etc. On the flip side, when she talks back, is rude, initiates fights, etc., she pays up a quarter. Now her mom allows her to express her feelings, as feelings are not bad, but she must express them appropriately and in a way that does not injure others, physically, emotionally.

#6 As you live what you believe and continue to have the attitudes about enjoying nature, etc., in time your son will follow in your foot steps... that is if you require him to behave appropriately, give him consequences for his choices (whatever works for him... he may not be into quarters, he may have other interests that that will work here!... I have some older grandsons who like the PS2 games... so they earn or lose time on those depending on the requirements in their households!)

#7 Pursue some of your own interests... This is not only healthy for you as an individual, this is healthy for your son... no one should be the center of, be all and end all of some one else's focus... that would be my definition of spoiled! Your son should see you enriching your life (which actually also enriches his life!) by adding into your growth and expanding as a healthy individual those things that you enjoy, want to learn about, help you be the best you can be, and also enrich and impact your neighbors, friends and community.

#8 NO ONE ELSE can make another person HAPPY! Happiness is a choice! No parent on earth can make their child happy! That child must learn how to choose happiness... if the child doesn't learn that then the potential for that child to blame others for their unhappiness is pretty much guaranteed. We as parents have a responsibility to teach our children to choose and to accept the consequences of their choices... to blame no one else but themselves for the consequences and to learn, grow and become healthy adults.

I hope this helps... as I've learned most of the above the hard way and not necessarily while I was raising my own children... as they say hindsight is 20/20!

I'm the mother of a 7 year old girl who I have to admit was a bit spoiled. It took some time but she came to realize we can't always be on the go and if we aren't out spending money that doesn't mean I don't love her.

We've found going on hikes, playing at the park, playing ball, riding bikes, and going to our secret beach can be just as fun and we even have a special date night where we can do fun things.

I think for me I became bored and going on empty when we went out so much.

I hope you can find a happy medium. I know it was hard for my daughter at first but now she's a-ok.

(:

I'm a mom of an only child who is five. She gets a lot of my personal attention and as many "perks" as I can swing. However she lives in the same world we do.

Children are small people and should get a filtered version of the real world through you. That prepares them to deal with the harsher version when they are older. Our family is going through tight times because of the recession as so many are. So this weekend we had a nice dinner on the patio and we talked with her about what the word "recession" means. We explained that we might not be able to buy things for her as often but that did not mean that we would not have fun.

We sat down and made a list of FREE fun. We came up with:
Running
Swimming
Swinging
Sliding
Riding Bikes
T-Ball
Rollerskating
Telescope viewing (we have a small one)
Reading books (at home or at the library)
Drawing & Coloring
The beach (if you pack a lunch, it's just the gas to get there)
Playing with toys she already has (way too many).
Painting
Writing ideas, dreams or stories down
and planting seeds (not very expensive)

See if you can have a little straight talk with your son and get him involved in thinking up ideas of things you can do together that don't cost money. We made it a game of charades... where one person would act out "running" and the other would try to guess. It was loads of fun!

Best wishes. You intentions are good, you just need to redirect your aim.

Warmly,
K.

Teaching our children delayed gratification is an important lesson in life. Waiting, planning, saving, etc. are important life lessons.

Getting things now is the worst thing we can teach our children. Especially giving in when they while and complain. Imagine your adorable 5 year old whining as a 10 year old boy. As an 18 year old man. Ugh.

It is the same with our dogs. They are very cute as puppies so we let them jump all over us and lick our faces and bark like crazy. However, imagine that little thing 30 lbs. huge, large jumping all over you licking you and your friend's faces barking bothering neighbors. Ugh.

I think you should teach your son about finances. Give him $4 a week for him to spend on his toys. You provide him with the necessities of life. But, if he wants a toy, like while shopping at Walmart, he needs to pay for it himself.

When my four year old starts asking for a toy, I ask, "did you bring your wallet?" Now he brings his wallet when we go shopping. He is responsible for his wallet and although has lost it here and there, has learned how to care for his wallet.

And he saves his allowance if he really wants a toy that is more than what he has. Most of the time he'll find a toy within the money he has, but once in a while he sees something he really wants and stands there, looks at it, looks at the money in his wallet and then says, "I'm going to save my money mom." Next week, we go back and gets what he wanted - if it is gone, he gets something similar.

He takes the money out of his wallet at the cashier and pays. Counts out the money, etc. It is hugely satisfying for him. I praise him like mad, too.

He is four and it is the perfect time to start teaching the value of money, saving and delayed gratification.

These things are what will makes us "perfect" moms - although I believe we are perfect just by being a mom - just kidding. Teaching our children very important life skills are what we should be doing. Not trying to make him happy. Perfect moms don't give in everytime a child asks and tries to make their children happy all the time. Perfect moms definitely do not give in when children complain and whine (in fact, when they complain and whine, I am absolutely 100% firm - now they know that once they whine, there is NO WAY they will get what they want). We should begin at an early age to teach how to thrive as adults.

Hugs to you.

I agree with the last responder. There are many ways to say a child is "spoiled". But if you are entertaining him, as it were, all the time or most of the time than when he doesn't get that it's not what HE wants. I understand that you like to do things that he likes and see him happy. The only thing is that if you are bribing him to go on walks and rewarding him then... whats next.
for example, lets say that every time I take my 2yr old son to wal- mart he gets a hot wheels car. Every Time. Well, what happens when I don't have the money or he has so many cars that it gets ridiculous to get more??
It gets to be a habit and as children get older it gets worse so they try to bargain with you, instead of you putting the bargain out there for them. Eventually they try to run the show. I only say this because I have some cousins that grew up this way but it was never "nipped in the bud".
I agree that doing things that do cost money are fun, alot of fun sometimes but try teaching him about outdoors. Try to make it fun for him in that way. Use your imagination like I'm sure the most of us did as kids when we didn't have all the "electronics" etc. I think that may help.

I am a bit of a different parent than a lot of parents I have talked to. I am old fashioned. I believe that kids learn what they live.
My dad has a little card that goes in his wallet. A few of the sayings on it.
You always tell a child they are naughty, they believe it.
You teach a child manners, they use them.

I believe that children are just little adults. I have never "baby talked" to my children. I don't ever say "na-na" I teach them banana,etc. I am not meaning to go in a different direction and I am sorry to make this so long but the basics of it are this:
You teach your son that if he does something you want he will get what he wants(always) then he expects it.
I love the fact that you do things that he wants to and that it makes him happy but I think the bargaining has to go. Getting what he wants ALL the time, personally, I think is spoiled. Good luck, sorry to make this so long. I think you have some other great responses too.

Hi K.-
I know this is a hard one for you, because all of us want to give as much as possible to our children. I hope this is an easy way to look at it.... spoiled to me is giving all you can to your children, you can be spoiled with love and it would be ok... but if they are spoiled brats, the childrens seem to loose focus. Its all about them and what they want. There is no compromise, or without a fight. Children need to be taught the difference between play and work, fun and responsibilties. You may love to take walks (fun), but the dog NEEDS to be taken for a walk (responsibiities)If we fail to teach them the real world they will have a much harder time as adults. And this is our main respons.... to raise them to self efficient, loving, hard working adults... I hope this helps....
Good luck

You need to make a nature treasure hunt!! Before you go---you put on the biggest act and say that he's a pirate or Indiana Jones or whatever---and you make a list of things he needs to find outside! 25 leaves (works on counting as well) bring crayon and paper to make rubbings of tree bark or rocks. Find 2 big rocks and 4 small rocks. Fine 5 flowers, etc. etc. Watch---he'll want to go! :) (and if you have a small prize at the end in your pocket--like a fake gemstone or something from the $1 store )---oh my---would that be total Indiana Jones or what--and each day it could be find the gemstone! So you could reuse it! I bet he'd love it!!!

I'm sure if I looked in the dictionary under Spoiled I would see a picture of your son. Personally, I think that you are setting him up for a future of disappointment because no one will cater to his whims and desires like you are. I was an only child and certainly wasn't brought up this way. He does need to learn how to entertain himself and he does need to learn to compromise with you. It's the start of how he learns to have to do things that he doesn't want to do... like work or work with people who won't do what he wants all the time. I would suggest that you pull back the bootstraps and get him back on the right path or you will be hating life when he hits his teen years and he only will get more expensive. As far as you and he doing the nature things in life... it's up to you teach him to love those things. Instead of going to the amusement parks and dropping countless hard-earned dollars... take him on a nature walk. So what if he whines! You could always tell him what i used to tell my junior high students... it's good for you.. builds character and puts hair on your chest :D (Of course, the girls didn't want hair on their chest!) Good luck!

All moms want the best for their children. However, children also need to learn "boundaries" and how to self regulate themselves, proportionately to their age and development. At this age, yes, they can finangle situations to what they want... and what they are used to. At this age they can understand normal explanations for things.

When my girl wants something, from the store, I don't pretend or make up stories or whatnot, I just keep to the point and politely say "Mommy doesn't have money for that now. Perhaps next time." I talk to her in a tone of voice that shows respect for her but yet at the same time firmly explains what the bottom line is. She knows I mean it and will not yell at me in protest. I don't tolerate it. I also teach her basic manners and civility. Kids this age are also taught this in preschool and Kindergarten. You can echo these "lessons" and say "lets practice what you learned in school...."

Kids "know" when a Parent is "afraid" of saying "no" to them... and they will push their parents to get what they want or as your son does, make you feel guilty about it. Remember.. ..he is the child, you are the Parent. You are the one in the leadership role, the role to guide and teach your child. Not the other way around. You shouldn't have to "bribe" him to get him to cooperate all the time. BUT, this has been all he knows.. this is what he has been taught, this is what gets him anything he wants...so this is his "habit." Do you think this is a habit you want him to retain? or not?

I would say, it's best to nip it in the bud NOW...before it gets too out of hand. Yes, he is just a child.. .but at 5 years old, he is old enough to understand cause and effect, action and consequence.

As a parent, you cannot possibly be entertaining him ALL the time.... in reverse, this also can rob a child of "learning" to have independence and the GIFT of self exploration and creativity. They need to learn self direction.... to be a "part" of a family unit and in the future, to learn how to be a part of a group or in school and in how to get along with others. Give him the gift of "independence." Children often learn the most from moments in which they are independently in their own thoughts and activities... this engages them in a way that "constant entertaining them" does NOT. Do you see? And it ALSO gives them the "gift" of problem solving on their own in relation to how to keep themselves happy and not "bored." This is very important. Unless you want him to get more and more demanding in a "not so cute" disposition... I would teach him the gifts of how to "be." After a certain age, it is no longer "cute" when a child acts this way. Or, instead of entertaining him all the time, "teach" him how to take care of his belongings, of his toys, of his clothes, how to clean his room etc.... give him "chores." At this age they can do simple chores in order to "learn" how to "help" and participate.... and also to teach him empathy... he will "see" that it makes Mommy happy to do something for other than himself. Sometimes, "empathy" is a learned trait... and it is invaluable to learn.

Perhaps, your son has not "learned" what HE likes...since he never has to think of things to do on his own??? Maybe that is why he "complains" when doing things. Maybe he just needs alone time, time to play on his own, while Mommy does Mommy things. Kids need to "see" that their Mom is happy too, and doing things as part of the family.

You don't have to give up anything of what you do with him... but you can INSTILL in him, teach him manners, civility, how to handle emotions, teaching him patience and not instant gratification. If everyday is "HIS" day... then, will that always be the case in real life, when he is amongst others and does not have his Mom with him? Teaching him the "gift" of appreciation is also a good thing.

Anyway, your son is lucky to have a Mom like you who supports him so lovingly. But, I would suggest teaching him some other things as well... it's not just about "activities" and goodies. I know all we Moms like to indulge our kids... but in the long run, which is best? Do you want "spoiled" or a child with a rounded foundation and a well centered self? You need to look long term as well.

Good luck, I know it's not easy. All kids go through phases as well. Perhaps this is just a phase with your boy.
take care,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo

What is the definition of spoiled? Well, I'm not sure, but I would guess it'd be getting everything you want. Sometimes we have to tell our children "no". Not, that it's our favorite thing to do, but in life, we don't always get what we want by laying down on the ground and throwing a fit. Dealing with disappointment is a fact of life.
I think its wonderful that you want to make everyday great for him, but that doesn't mean you need to spoil him. I have a son who just turned six, he rides his bike, skateboard, scooter, and rollerblades outside. Does your son have something like that that he could do on your walk? Maybe buy him a little bug kit with a net and magnifying glass and a little cage, let him look for cool bugs to bring home while you walk. I think what you need to do is make the walk about doing something fun, other then walking. Your mistake, I think, is giving him something when you get back so he'll go.
When you brib a child after they protest you teach them that "if I throw a tantrum I'll get what I want."
If you want to give him a reward wait until he's done something nice,sweet,thoughtful, on his own (with out prompting or needing a brib) and then give him something. Explain that "since you did such a good job cleaning your room when I asked you I want you to have this treat."
As far as the walk, I don't think your son wants to walk the dog, so try making it a different kind of walk. A lot of times if you sound excited about something they want to try it.