So i mentioned there was a dad of a child in my son's school who has different parenting style than mine (understatement). Many here advised to end friendship. I had already signed my son up for a swimming session (yet decided to just do one swim session with this child and my and then set up other activities with other friends). There are too many words to explain everything, but as a mother you can have an uneasy feeling about someone. This family moved to our small town in April (so left their state in the middle of school year). The dad said he quit his job and the wife got hired in our small town. Anyway after 2 weeks she quit. This family lives in a tiny studio and sleeps on the floor, yet say they looked at all our schools and decided on the public school because it was the best (um, ok why not just say because it is free since the private schools cost more than 2 years of your rent). I really do not give a hoot about the home, my kids and i have friends in neighborhood that are way less and some that are way more. This family is always asking about money.
Okay the real scary issue. The dad kept on saying they wanted to have my son with their son all summer and made all these plans (he signed up for 8 weeks of swimming and wanted me to as well and said he can drive my son so i did not have to be there). He also said he want to take them out to the ocean and swim. It is super cold here and i said i would be scared to have my 6 year old in the ocean with one adult and 2 kids. I signed him up for the 2 weeks swimming pool class (now over) and the friendship was over on day 3. Here is the reason. the dad kept on helping the boys change and shower. I felt like i was being groomed. The dad in his overly convincing voice, oh they really need to rise the chlorine off (i have no issue with my son taking a hot shower after cold pool). Then when i was not there the dad said he had to dive in because he thought my son could not swim. Um thanks, but there are life guard and swim instructors. Then same day I am at the pool, he goes on to say 'i don't think your son feels comfortable changing and showering with us.' I said i do not want him to feel comfortable. He is 6 and i have taught him boundaries. Last straw and same day, he came out of the dressing room (the one i was now lurking in at the doorway) and said, 'your son's underwear is a bit tight. he is a growing boy.' I said i can't recall what we picked out so maybe he has an old pair. that day my son and i got a wetsuit and his underwear were fine. I also noticed bruises on his arm. So I made my husband go to the swimming class (he was late for work). In front of the weird dad i told my husband to go in with my son to the dressing room. I know i said it the 'scared don't let this freak around my child' voice. I was thinking back and felt he jumped in the pool to save him as a reason to shower with him after. It really creeped me out. My son even said while in the pool "why are you in here?"
So I could add more details from my perspective. What is your opinion on my story? Am I jumping to the wrong conclusion? Would you have ended it sooner? I could totally be reading into this. Does anyone here have education as to whether this person showed signs of grooming my son and his family (me) for something inappropriate? If you read my old post it will say he was asking to get my son on multiplayer mine craft and that my son is not that innocent. Hello is is 6.
Also, I never said anything to my son about the boy. The boy is acting like a total jerk to my son. My son was running up to play and have fun and the boy does not want to be around him during the last days of swimming class. The dad is the type to talk sh@# about other kindergarteners to his son (again different parenting style) and he has red-shirted his son so he will be 8 in first grade this coming year.
*I might delete some of the facts, but i want some opinions.
It is easier to see this when it is all written out. When it is happening it is not as obvious. I did sign my son up for other things and purposely did not tell this family so they would not copy me (i like space regardless of creepy or normal). I made swimming plans before I met this family and there were other kids there too.
Well stay away from them. You don't owe anyone an explanation! My son is also six and I do not allow him to go into restrooms by himself yet. Go to the ladies room to change him or I just have my son change in the car after swimming.
I would have found everything you said alarming, had you not prefaced the whole thing with this family's poverty.
You are allowed to be careful around anyone you want. You are allowed to keep your son from any adult you want. It's your son and if someone makes you feel uncomfortable, so be it. I don't care even if you DID jump to conclusions. (I think he's weird, I don't know what conclusion that draws, and it doesn't matter.) It's your right, as a parent, to decide who is safe and who isn't. For ANY reason.
My advice is to stop caring about what you feel about this man. You don't trust him, and that's your absolute right. Don't let your son around him alone, simply because you don't want him to be.
**The underwear comment is really crossing the line. That would be enough for me to NEVER allow him around the man again. Even if that means ending the friendship with the boy completely and forever.
I would trust my gut. period.
document everything.
keep your son away from the family. You may be over reacting. But you may not. SO trust your gut.
Talk to the school about your concerns with your son being around the other boy. Talk WITH your son - find out what happened in the dressing/changing room - do NOT - repeat DO NOT prompt him - ask questions like:
Johnny - what happened during swimming class?
Johnny - what happened in the changing room?
Yeah - being hyper over-reactive here - however - you need to know how the bruises got there...Johnny - do you know how you got these bruises? And if you feel that concerned - take him to your pediatrician and have him checked out.
Fortunately the other boy is acting like a total jerk to your son, so it doesn't sound like either boy will be bothered when you end the friendship.
No normal guy notices or cares that a six year old boy's underwear is too tight. Weirdo!!! Even in the remote case that this guy doesn't have an inappropriate interest in your son, the fact that he talks sh@# about other kindergarteners to his son is a complete turnoff. That's not a different parenting style, that's heinous.
End the relationship, and if the dad asks why, if it were me, I might be tempted to tell him that I think it's really weird that he cares about my son's underwear. You might want to inform someone at the school about this guy, so they can keep an eye on him. If he is a predator, people need to know, because if it's not your son, it will be someone else.
p.s. I really agree with J.B. that people need to make sure that this weirdo's son is protected, as well.
I read the other post as well, the one about Minecraft and about your son "not being as innocent as you think." That comment alone was creepy. After that I would have probably said no to the swimming lessons in the first place.
Why are you continuing to second-guess yourself here? Why? Your gut tells you this dad, and this family, are "off." There is zero reason, zero!, for you to pursue any friendship for your son with this boy. Your son is six -- YOU and your husband still control his every waking moment, so use that to your advantage here and Cut. This. Off. You do not owe the friend's dad any explanations or even excuses. Just stop contact. If dad persists at asking for play dates or Minecraft or a trip to the ocean or whatever, for heaven's sake, screen his calls and stop taking them, and don't reply to his e-mails. But....DO save his messages or e-mails if he keeps on contacting you, just in case he can't take no and you have to talk to authorities about him.
Please stop worrying that you somehow are going to offend him, or you are making a mistake about him. Even if he's a saint and you're wrong, HE is not socially aware enough to realize how his actions (even if innocent) appear to others. Those appearances do matter when our kids are involved; they're what we have to go by because we are not cops or investigators or social workers.
Your son WILL live without this boy's friendship. Direct him toward other friends. Do not over-explain to your son and do not say the dad was creepy. Just say your schedule and theirs do not match, and immediately have him doing play dates with other friends. Distract and redirect. It sounds as if your son is done with this kid anyway.
And listen to your gut rather than trying to do the nice thing and give this person the benefit of the doubt. Usually I'm in favor of the benefit of the doubt but not here. Go with your gut.
Why the hell are you even bothering with this guy and his kid? You're the mom. Go with your gut. If your gut tells you something's off, it probably is. I know he's your son's best friend, but sometimes we don't let our kids make the calls because we see the bigger picture. Find a new pool to visit and cut off all contact with this family that creeps you out so much.
My first thought, after reading your post was "holy bleep, is this for real?"
But maybe it is.
Your question: what would I do... I would keep my distance. My son would only have contact with the other child AT school. I don't see anything worth being upset about by them wanting their son to attend a good school (not sure where you were going with that) or dealing with employment issues. Many very good people are facing this. The rest of it, though, along with your previous post, screams "ew, ick."
My son would only have contact with that family at the school in the company of teachers or myself. AND I would double-check with the school secretary that everyone working in the classrooms has a current criminal background check. And find a family changing room if you can.
ETA: and I agree with JB regarding raising concerns with the school counselor. If the son is dealing with an unstable parent, it's best to have more eyes on the child.
Pay attention to your instinct here. Something does not feel right to you. Do not associate with these folks...your gut is trying to tell you that something is off here...listen to it.
I would keep my son away from this family as if they had the plague!!! Then I would get on the county web site and see if his name is on the sex-offender's site! If it is, I'd alert everyone!!
If they show up at the same places again, I would leave and/or keep my son as close as possible and I would NEVER let them in the bathrooms/showers at the same time!!
Too many red flags!! Trust your gut; something isn't right!!
Good luck!!!
I would have had red flags all over this situation.
If it were me there would be major boundaries put in place with this individual and anyone connected with him.
JMO.
PS: Why ARE you second-guessing yourself? Where did you learn to do that? I would work on that too. And I agree with JB's advice.
Be as cautious as you feel you need to be. I'm not sure I'd ever let my son into the restroom/dressing room while this man is there. Ever. He is still young enough to go into the ladies room with you. Google this mans name and see if you can find out anything about him. Sounds really creepy.
ALWAYS go with your gut instinct! Don't worry about what someone else will think. Go with your natural instinct to protect your child. In the future, maybe writing things down (as you did here) will give you more clarity in uncertain situations (since you said it's easier to see things when it's written out). Just reading your post got me creeped out.
Redshirting would usually mean 7 in 1st grade, so I wonder if they've been...wandering around even more than you think.
He gives me the creeps from what you've written alone. And ditto everything Bug said.
Have you searched the sex offenders registry for him? Your local police department should have a link to the local one. Good luck to you.
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you have plenty of valid reasons to stay far far way from this guy.
I have to say though, and i only get this from law and order not real life but i would think the grooming would be much subtle-er. I mean even an idiot would have some warning flags going off after some of those comments, which makes me think the guy isn't very experienced at it.
wouldn't hurt to check the sexual offender registry in your town and maybe were he came from if you know.
there are all kinds of people in this world and i would find some of the sane ones to have fun with.
Trust your gut. He creeps me out too. I agree with checking the sexual predator registry just in case. And you might want to call the police non-emergency hotline. If they have a car, get the license number. I don't know if that info would be useful, but you never know.
ADD: I also like the idea of alterting someone in authority for his own child. This behavior isn't stable and it's possible that something may be happening to the boy as well.
If the boys are not getting along, then that is reason not to hang out with them any longer. However, nothing you said about the dad's behaviour sounded inappropriate to me. It sounded the same as any of my boys friends dad's would behave, and being new in town it sounds as though he is trying hard to help his boy cultivate a friendship (as any good dad would). You would really have to be looking for something wrong to construe anything you mentioned into grooming. As for not being straight up about their financial situation, it is possible that like many in the US they have fallen on some hard times and are a bit embarrassed and don't want their financial situation to affect their child socially.
ETA: The underwear comment on its own does sound odd, but it is possible there was some sort of underwear conversation in the locker room ie boxers vs tighty whities.
Trust your instinct - better safe than sorry. You don't owe anyone anything, especially the dad in question.
If you feel it's not right, then it's not. Stay away from this guy. Even if he is innocent - do you want to take that chance. Just turn down everything he asks you to do. He'll eventually get the hint.
