What Would You Say? Baby's Food Sensitivity Vs. Grandma

"Mom, seriously, why do you do these things when I've kindly asked you not to?" "Please let me mother my child the way I want to." "You raised me to be a good mother, I'm trying to do that, please quit sabotaging my efforts and start trusting MY instincts, PLEASE!"

If your son didn't have the food sensitivities, I would tell you to chill out and accept the fact that grandparents are going to spoil their grand kids... It's one of those things that I feel is annoying to the parent, but special to the grandparent. Whatever...

BUT, your son DOES have reactions... So she needs to respect your wishes. When it comes to something that is actually dangerous for the child, Mommy's rules are unbendable.

C., maybe there HAS to be a major argument. I don't know any other way that you are going to get across to her that she can't do this.

If your baby didn't have an allergic response to foods, I would let it go. But he does. You are doing all the right things at this point. Perhaps in the coming years he'll be able to tolerate dairy, but certainly not now.

I think you have to tell her that she is costing herself the possibility of babysitting EVER because she let you know that you cannot trust her to abide by your wishes in regards to your baby. In fact, you're going to have to hover from now on when she is around him.

Next time, don't argue. Pick up the baby and leave. You let her give him the frosting and then stewed about it. No more. You have to put up a stink. If not verbally, then by removing the baby from her presence.

Until she says to you that she understands and respects your position and will go by your wishes, don't give her an inch.

If I were you, I'd go over when your child has a breakout and let her SEE what happens to him. She needs educating.

Dawn

My husband gave our daughter a taste of ice cream when she was probably eight months old. At the time, I wasn't aware of any of her allergies. I did notice that she had a slight rash around her mouth after eating the ice cream. I didn't think much of it though.

Two months later when my daughter was 10 months old, she used her hand to TOUCH the whipped cream that was on top of a Starbucks frappucino sample I got at the grocery store. She had horrible anaphylaxis, and by the time I got her to the ER, the triage nurse thought she was a burn victim because of her hives.

Allergies are unpredictable and are not to be taken lightly. If you can educate your mother on the potential dangers of food allergies, maybe she won't make such bonehead decisions about feeding your baby anything that you have warned her about. She probably thinks you're just being too uptight about your baby's diet and feels like it is a criticism of her own mothering skills. That is a completely separate issue and should be treated as such.

I would definitely bring up the allergy thing again with her. If she won't do right by your son's dietary restrictions, then she can't be trusted with him. You're not overreacting.

Oh, I totally would. Her intentions don't matter. She overstepped. No one should feed your infant or toddler without asking you. I would be appalled if anyone had given my baby food of any kind without saying, can I offer her some? In my case, I held out on cake until the first birthday party, and I would have been crushed. You are not overreacting. In my opinion, allergies aren't the issue, it's a respect thing. Being a grandma is not a right, it's a priviledge.

The question is will she respect you when you bring it up and follow along (even if complaining). Or can she not be trusted. If she can't be trusted, how will you enforce?

Say something. Her opinions don't matter. You make the decisions.Even if YOU are wrong, it isn't her place to intervene.

I don't think you're overreacting, C., he is your child, and what he eats is your choice. You have made your choices for him clear, and there's NO reason I can fathom that your mother couldn't or shouldn't respect that.

I'm very liberal when it comes to what I feed my kids, so I will often do a mental eye roll when I see mothers hovering over what their kids eat, but I do not have to agree with what YOU choose for YOUR child, but I DO have to respect it.

I'd be pretty pissed off about it too.

What she did was very disrespectful! What she did was not accidental, it was intentional. I would bring it up to her. I would focus on the fact that she knowingly ignored your request to not give your son cake. It's not about whether you or she believes dairy and sugar are harmful to your child, it's about respecting the decision you make for your child. This will continue to come up as he gets older...bed times, soda, candy, etc. If you say bed time is 8pm, you don't want her keeping him up until 10 because she thought it was okay.

1) So is this the first time your Mom disrespected you and overstepped you and gave something to your baby????
2) She did it intentionally. That would piss me off.

But I don't understand... was your Mom holding the baby or you? Or was baby in a high chair? The reason I ask is: if my Mom was about to do that... but I was holding my own baby... I simply would have stood up and carried my baby away. So Mom would NOT put that fork in my baby's mouth.
So I don't understand... "how" your Mom, actually go that fork of frosting, in your baby's mouth, after you EXPLAINED to her, about his allergies etc.
And instead of reiterating to your Mom and debating to her ,about your son's allergies... just say NO to her. Don't explain why. JUST as your Mom was putting that frosting fork toward your son, I would have said NO... NO frosting and I would have scooped my baby up and walked away before she got that frosting fork in his mouth.

3) Your Mom... seems to have done that... in order to IRK you. On purpose and to on purpose, annoy you and get you irritated and mad.
She didn't do it for baby. She did it to get you, mad. On purpose.
She did not seem, benevolent about it, at all. Nor respectful.

4) I do NOT believe in the notion that Grandparents are supposed to "spoil" their Grandchildren with sugar or treats. That is not their "job."
My kids' Grandma and their relatives, do not do this with my kids. They ask first, if they can give my kids something. There is Diabetes, in my family.

And they do not know, of whatever allergies my kids may have.
There are other ways to "spoil" Grandchildren.
My kids' Grandma/relatives, do not do it with sugar or sugary treats. They "spoil" my kids in other ways.

5) The issue here is: IF your Mom, routinely disregards you and disrespects you... about your baby, then SHE is having problems with you and her own personality issues, and is against you for whatever reason. AND... in turn, she is also... disrespecting your Husband... he is the baby's Dad.

Sure, pick your battles.
But to me.... your Mom was not being kind or funny or benevolent, when she did the fork in your baby's mouth with frosting, stunt. Even after you reiterated to her... about your baby's allergies.

I would not leave your baby alone with her.
There is no way to predict, what or how she will feed him.
She obviously ignores what you say. About his food intake.

Thinking forward:
What happened with the frosting in your son's mouth... is but one incident. So, you need to know... how to handle it and your Mom, from here on out and in the future. Your son will get older each month and year... and you need to get some boundaries out there, with your Mom. Sooner the better. You and Husband are the parents.
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**ADDING THIS: as my kids got older, from 2 years old... I TAUGHT my kids, that me and my Hubby are the parents. That we decide things for them. Not others. Not even Grandma. So basically, we taught them the "totem pole" of adults in their life. And so that... THEY did not get warped ideas about what they can/cannot do, or eat or get or buy or so forth. My kids, will actually TELL their relatives or friends "I have to ask Mommy/Daddy first..." and they will even tell Grandma "Can I use your cell phone to ask Mommy first?"
So, basically, I have taught my kids how to DISCERN offers, to them, by others. And how to say no. And how to speak up. And HOW to know... the "pecking order" of what is offered to them to eat or wear or buy etc.
My kids are 5 and 9 now... and they are good, at it. In a respectful way.

My kids have this one bossy Aunty though. And even if their Aunt could be offering them a HUMUNGOUS chocolate covered mountain of a dessert at a fancy restaurant (which Aunty did do this one time)... my kids WILL tell Aunty "I have to ask Mommy first..." and they will call me. Or they will say "I'm full... I'm not in the mood for that. Thanks anyway." They don't let Aunty boss them. They know my/my Husband's "rules." And they know... Aunty is bossy and will try to get them to eat things. Although Aunty loves them and they love her.
So because my kids, speak up.... bossy Aunty has "learned" that she can't push her weight around, nor by-pass, me.

I really don't understand why you need to explain your position to her. She already knew that your child had problems with dairy and you had asked her NOT to give him these things. SHE DID IT ANYWAY!!!!! You need to firmly tell her that you are the Mom and this will go your way. End. Of. Story.

Ditto SH (love that!)

When I say no, I mean no. I pick my battles, but I stand my ground... Which my mum learned early on. Why? Because if I said 'no', and she did it anyway, I voted with my feet. Took my son, smiled and told everyone goodbye, and left. Once, right in the middle of dinner... Another time calling in 'sick'/no childcare (and arranged other childcare.

One nice thing about this culture is that mom trumps gran. (Not true for all cultures).

Are there different rules at Nonna's house? Yep. Is kiddo treated/spoiled by Nonna? Of course. But my rules trump. It doesn't matter if she says yes, when I say no, or vice versa. I choose my battles, and I'm far more lax with her than on my own.... But I 'win' period if it's any battle I choose. It doesn't matter WHAT the issue is.

With my mum, this works grand. We've had clearly defined boundaries since early on, but they were DEFINED via trial and error. The first of which is 'check with mom', and the 2nd of which is respecting mom's wishes. Doesn't mean she can't argue/debate/suggest/etc. she can and does, and I can see her point/come to agree about 1:3. We have a great relationship, both as friends AND as mom and gran AND as mother/daughter.

Those are 3 VERY DIFFERENT relationships. And all 3 took some work and mutual respect on both our parts.

Not all frosting has dairy. Frosting is quite often made with vegetable shortening, especially commercial frosting. It is quite possible that grandma knew that there was no dairy in the frosting. I wouldn't worry about your child getting treats from grandma. It is admirable that you want to have a healthy diet, but a treat now and then isn't going to hurt. You managed to survive her parenting, didn't you? Give her a break.
BTW, you don't know how lucky you and your children are to have grandma there to spoil them!

Nope, you didn't overreact. Because of his likely intolerance or allergy to dairy, you have to be very careful. Your mom has to know now, early on, that she MAY NEVER give your child anything to eat without clearing it with you first. If she can't respect that, then you might have to not allow her to ever babysit or be alone with your child. I think if it comes down to that, she'll start respecting your authority with your child.

This drives me nuts!
I understand that grams and aunties spoil, and they will give my daughter candy and cookies and things I don't at times when they babysit, however, when I specifically say "don't give her fillintheblank", they better not.
Just last Sunday, the kids were told they could have ice cream if they ate their dinner. Of my four nephews, only two of them ate their food (my daughter did as well). That didn't really matter though, because all the kids got ice cream. My daughter ate hers and asked for more while sitting next to her Granny. I told her no, that she had enough. The next thing I know, she's sitting at the table with another bowl of ice cream! I asked her where that came from and she looked at my MIL and smiled. I was so angry. I had just said no more and my MIL basically told my daughter that what mommy says doesn't matter. Needless to say she lost the ice cream and I told her we needed to leave because she broke the rules. My MIL wasn't happy, but seriously, SHE just got my four year old in trouble.

I think you need to pick your battles. The dairy thing should be your most important concern right now, not the sugar, since that is the more potentially harmful thing for him right now. I think I would tell her, "Mom, it is very important to me that my children eat healthy. I would prefer if you don't give them unhealthy foods, but I understand that, as grandma, you want to spoil them. I hope that you will respect my wishes in this matter, but the one thing that is non-negotiable is that the baby cannot have dairy. We don't know the extent of his reactions, but he's so little that we don't want to risk a more serious reaction or have this develop into a lifelong allergy by repeated exposures. I know you love him, so please help me keep our baby safe."

I know that it's so frustrating when you are trying to maintain values that are important to you that grandparents may not share. You need to find a balance between knowing when to bend a little for the sake of your relationship and knowing when to put your foot down.

Good luck.

My mother did TONS of similar things to me when I had my first child. The night after my son was born, she brought us dinner (I home birthed him)..In any case, she and I got in a little fight. I don't recall it exactly, but I said to her "these are our children, we get to make the rules for how they will be raised." She got mad, left, and I then ignored her for a week.

Needless to say, after that, she stopped ignoring my rules. I let her spoil the kids, give them pie or ice cream for breakfast, whatever, but I am so glad that I made it clear to her that she will either follow our rules or she won't be seeing her grandkids. Some grandparents don't grandparent, they want to parent. It's not their place.

It doesn't matter what the frosting was made of, Grandma overstepped her bounds and was very undermining.

Tell her exactly how you feel in a calm and respectful manner. Tell her that you want to be able to trust that she will do the best for your son, even if she doesn't agree.

Sorry this had to happen. Hugs!

I don't think she's doing it to be funny, I think she's doing it because grandmas love to spoil their grandchildren. I don't think she intentionally did it to anger or upset you.

All that said, you need to sit down with her and discuss his allergies, as they could quite possibly worsen with each subsequent exposure. It's hard to say - some doctors think eating it more will make them worse, others think very small, supervised exposure (by a doc) will make them better. Who knows which is correct.

What I know is this: My son is highly allergic to dairy and can't eat anything at all that has even a little dairy in it. If he does, he will get hives, vomit, and sometimes start wheezing. Trust me, you don't want that to happen!

So tell your mom you think it's great that she wants to spend time with your kids and make them happy, but she needs to be incredibly careful about what she feeds your son to avoid exposing him to dairy and causing a severe reaction.

I hope he outgrows it soon!

Unfortunately I think you need to say, "listen, I am the mother and this is your turn to be grandmother - I make the decisions and would appreciate your support."

Well in my opinion it really doesn't matter if he has food sensitivities or what, he is your baby and if you say he can't have something then he just can't. I would find it super annoying too. I mean he is a baby and doesn't know he is missing out so why give him something that isn't good for him anyway. I feel like I feed my kids really healthy too, the only time I find it annoying is when another parent has no wiggle room, like no cake at a party or no pizza on pizza day at school things when they are old enough to feel left out. I would just tell my mom flat out "do not feed him anything without asking my first, okay?" "And if you can't respect my wishes enough, mom, I am not going to trust you with him alone."

Yeah, I'd be miffed because 1. She overstepped her bounds and knew it and 2. Your baby has an allergy. I personally think 8 months is a little young for forkfuls of sugary frosting, as well, but that's me.

If it were my mom, I'd just point blank look at her in the eye and say, "Mom, please don't do that again. Ok?" Good luck!

I would be pissed! I have walked out of family dinners because of this type of thing.

1. Babies under 1y do not need cake and frosting.
2. To sit there in front of you when you are telling her not to do something IS disrespectful. Especially when the health and comfort of your child is at stake. Right now he just gets hives, but a dairy allergy CAN cause breathing issues. If your child DOES have a dairy allergy, and it sounds like he does, you will need ALL of the family and friend's support to avoid this food.

My son has a tree nut allergy. Extremely allergic to walnuts and pecans. ALL relatives know this. I let him go to Grandpa's one day, around Thanksgiving. I walk in and there is a bowl of mixed nuts sitting on the table. (Eye brow up) I watch my son walk in to the room, go to the bowl, pick up a nutcracker and a walnut. 'Mom, watch this thing is awesome!'.
"What are you doing, you're allergic!', I grabbed the bowl, told him to not touch anything and to wash his hands quick. I walked into the kitchen where both inlaws were cooking dinner.

Why is this in the living room? C just walked in and started cracking nuts! That HE IS ALLERGIC to! Well, the other grandson LOVES to crack nuts, they've both been at it all afternoon. Stop overreacting! What?!? I was pissed! I fumed all through dinner.

When we got home, hubby took my son up to take a shower, calls down to me, Hey Meg, have you seen this? What? He has hives all down the side of him. What?!? I burst into tears. Hubby asked what was wrong. I told him. He got mad. Was mad at me for not telling him sooner. Called his parents to see their point. Told them what was going on now. My 60y FIL started crying. I am so sorry. I didn't think that would happen.

Now, years later, my FIL is VERY aware of what does and does not have nuts when my son is around, but it took THAT moment. A moment, when my son could've been REALLY hurt, for my FIL to believe.

Just an FYI for future reference, Pillsbury Funfetti icing, and Duncan Hines Golden Cake (made with oil) do not contain milk.

I would bring it up again. And if she says he didn't react to it tell her that you are his parent and it will be in your timing to when different things are tested on him. Yes that is a fairly normal grandparent thing but they need to be put in his place.

I understand how concerned you were due to the reactions she has had in the past but seriously, you got made because your child was at a birthday party and had some cake?????

If you don't want your child to have birthday cake at a birthday party then perhaps you'd do better to leave her with a babysitter and go without her. All kids eat cake at parties.

She most likely said the "Sugar, Yumm" part to annoy you since you were annoying her.

Frosting has very minimal amounts of milk in it if at all. Most professional frosting has butter or some other sort of margarine type food. I buy the whipped frosting myself, I life it much better, I think it is soy based and non dairy.

Party's equal cake.

I don't know that it needs to be a major argument, but it needs to be a discussion along the lines of Mom, I love you and I know you love the kids, but I am the Mom now. That means when I say he can or cannot have something that is the law. Just as other people respected you when you were doing a great job raising me...now its time for you to respect me as I am raising my two. I understand you want to spoil the kids, and there are places in their lives where you can spoil them (insert your own personal parameter here) but for right now, food is not one of those places. If you cannot respect these limits than you leave me no choice but to not bring the kids around until you are ready to respect my rules. Just as your primary job was to protect me, my primary job is to protect my children. Be clear that you are not doing this to hurt her...but because you need to protect your kids. Also, make sure you wait until you are calm and can act out of love instead of anger. After all you love your Mom and you love your kids and you want them to have a relationship...right?

I would tell her that she can't be around her grandkid until she can learn to respect your parenting choices. Period. It sound like maybe you are too nice of a person... time for mama bear to come out.

You are NOT overreacting. She purposely overstepped her boundaries in front of you. She disrespected you, and put your baby in harms way. She probably doesn't fully understand allergies, as it seems very hyped up to the older generation. She also doesn't seem to care what MATTERS TO YOU. It doesn't make a hill of beans if she knew with 100% certainty that the frosting didn't have any dairy in it. You said, no.

What she needs to understand is that you BOTH could be 100% right, but YOU are M.O.M. What you say goes.

I feel like you hold the key to all of this. You are baby's mom, and this is YOUR mom. She will learn quickly that if she wants to spend time with baby, she has to abide by YOUR rules. You are more likely to put your foot down because you feel more comfortable telling your mom to get it together. If it were MIL, you could possibly have hubby in the middle of it, making it worse.

Put your foot down, tell them your rules, and don't let her disrespect you like this. Pack up baby and leave. You know what type of relationship you have with her, and the best approach to deal with this. Do what will work the best, for the best outcome.

I've been dealing with this with one of my MIL's. She has gotten better over the past few years, and I've learned to trust her more.....and have loosened up about what she feeds the girls. My girls are also older where they do eat a better variety of food, and I don't have to worry about making EVERY bite matter, and we are in a safer zone of food allergies.

Good luck mama. I feel for ya!

Totally not overreacting! This sounds exactly like my Mom. Since my 1st child was a baby(she's now 8) my mom would do things to undermine me. It seemed like she almost would do it on purpose, which really pissed me off. I tried talking to her about, but my mom always reacts defensive and turns it around on me. I had to resort to limiting our interactions with her until she finally got the message. She is better, on occasion will still do or say something to undermine, but overall its better.

I would absolutely talk to her about it, especially since your baby could have a serious allergy. If talking doesn't work, then you may have to try other ways to get through to her. You're the parent of this child and you have the right to raise them in any way you see fit without someone undermining you or doing things out of spite.

Good luck to you!

In order to maintain family harmony.. which is far more important than a bit of frosting.. I would not say anything.

our grandparents are 3000 miles away.. they come to visit once a year for 5 days.. and look at the children play.. then they go back home..

so a nearby grandma that would actually help if you needed her.. would be fine.. even if she did some minor things that you dont like.. think of the big picture.

I would guess your mom wasn't trying to be as insensitive as she came across, she was just raising kids in a different time and place than you are. When you were growing up allergies and carcinogens and hormones were relatively unheard of - sometimes I'm amazed to think back and realize that for the first 6 years of my life I never road in a car with a seat belt. The world has just changed very quickly in a few short decades.

She's going to feel like your son is being left out of the sugar game and it will be a struggle for her to accept that because as a grandma, her job is to spoil your son.

Set aside your concerns about her doing it deliberately and sit down calmly and have an education session with her on why you are taking this approach with your son and how you'll need her cooperation to make it successful.

Bring it up without an audience. Yes, it is wrong and disrespectful to you but not good for your baby since he has reactions to it. Tell her explicitedly that until further notice from you or his doctor, she is to give him nothing that you have not approved first.

My son was about 4 months and my ex MIL was feeding him globs of icing!

I have learned that grandmas will be grandmas and they are supposed to be grandmas. The grandparents spoil the kids I remember my mom feeding my kid things that I would normally not feed them and i let her know by a eye roll and a shake of the head but is a little bit of frosting worth such a huge family grudge? My kids love going to the grandparents house because it is a time where they get to do things out of the norm. Some things really bother me but as long as it doesnt put them in harm i try to turn a blind eye because my kids enjoy it soo much.

I don't think you're over reacting. I absolutely think you should say something to your mom...but I do think you need to wait it out until your calmer. Think about exactly how much and what you want to say and don't make it into a giant deal, but I think she should know how you feel, it is your mom. If it your MIL, then I might suggest a different approach, but you and your mom should be able to discuss stuff like this.

In my opinion, the biggest thing is that he's 8 months. That is just not okay to be giving that young of a child frosting from a cake. No way, I'd be miffed! Now that on top of the possible dairy stuff, I think you are justified to feel angry.

I will add this though, once he's a little older I do think it's within the grandparental rights to spoil and sugar up the kids to a certain degree. When I'm around it's my rules, when I'm not around, I leave it up to the GPs. My mother and I have an agreement, I don't want to know what happens during overnights! ;) She is not to tell me when they went to bed and what they did or didn't eat! Haha! So far it's working out great! But seriously, these "rules" really shouldn't start quite so early, he's just a baby still!

I would address your complaints to your mother. Tell her he is your child so whatever you say goes. Maybe you should explain once again about the bad allergy. Also make sure she understands and never tries it again,

nutty grammy. yeah i would bring it up. leave anger behind but tell her not to ever do anything that goes against your wishes when it comes to your child.

It doesn't matter if he's allergic to it or not, it doesn't matter if it's suitable for his age or not - YOU said not to feed it to YOUR baby - she should have abided by YOUR rules for YOUR child, no matter what HER opinion was.

I have 4 children who range from 5 months to 17 years. My thought on children who's parents freak out about sugar intake is that those are the kids who usually binge on sweets when given the opportunity whether it's my girl friend's 2.5 year old or my 17 year olds friend who seriously pounded a box of fruit snacks between his house and the train station, a 5 min drive!
I'm not for loading kids with sugar or anything that is bad for them. I buy organic as much as possible, I cook most of our meals & nobody is overweight & we are active. However, we do eat sweets and (gulp) fast food! I believe that's how you maintain a healthy relationship with food all food. Moderation is key. We have soda in a refrigerator outside. We don't give it to our young children. We hardly drink it and my 17 year old hardly ever drinks it either. Our kids definitely don't ask for it but will ask for a sip of whatever I am drinking and I will let them. Recently we were at a funeral and my sister in law was serving orange soda to the kids and they loved it! I know people who would freak out over that as they've never been served one before. I don't care! My kids literally told her they've never had that before so she came over and asked if it was ok. Well of coarse! On the other hand I have a brother with 4 children and we were out with them and it was hot and the 2 little ones - probably 4 & 6 said they were thirsty. I asked them if they wanted some water which I had in the car. No we don't drink water. I asked them of they wanted juice which I also had in the car. They declined that too. Their older sister said they only drink pop or gatorade. They are all over weight. I would never, ever offer soda as drink to small children so they got nothing until their dad bought them their sodas.
Ok so on to your baby and mom. Freaking out about a little frosting? The only justification I see is the allergy thing. She was probably thinking it wasn't a big deal and teasing you to show you that you were overreacting. It's just a bite, it didn't hurt you when you were little. It's a baby and babies don't need frosting though you are right but that's not likely why she did it. I'd be curious to what she says if you say something about it! But personally I really don't think it's that big a deal & not a battle worth fighting unless something harmful is happening to your child. If there is an allergy though there does need to be boundaries. And maybe that's the conversation. Maybe she thinks you made it up because she thinks you are too strict on your childrens diet. Don't go into to it mad though. Your baby is ok.

Well...I can tell you I have every intention of sugaring up my grandkids when I have them. If my daughter turns into a health nut it will be even better.

I would never do it if said child had issues with allergies because that just isn't funny.

So on the it is disrespectful to get a rise out of you, no, that is funny, try laughing and she won't do it as much.

When it can potentially put the child in the hospital, not funny.

Have you tried instead of scolding your mom, which really is disrespectful, try I know you are trying to be funny and get me to lighten up on health kick but this child has allergies so please leave them out of the fun.

What I mean is imagine 25 years in the future and your child is giving their child nothing but junk food because they felt deprived their whole lives. You come over with a tasty, say banana, because you know all junk food is not good for them, and your daughter is all over my children, I know better blah blah blah. If you can really put yourself in that situation you may have some idea how your mom feels and that should help you communicate in a way that she will listen.

Does your mom do this all the time or was this a one time deal?

If it was a one time deal, then yes, I do think you're overreacting. Your mom thinks you need to relax a bit as a parent, but she went overboard. If there is a next time, just say, "Mom, I appreciate what you're saying, but I feel differently."

If she does this kind of thing all the time (pushes sweets), say, "Mom, would you stop trying to turn my kid into a sugar junkie? Cheese whiz, you are as bad as a drug dealer! I don't plan on depriving my kids, but fresh fruits are all the sugar my baby needs right now. Too bad so sad if you disagree."

Don't argue about it. Just state your position - lather, rinse, repeat as necessary.

I guess the question is... did your mother know for sure that the frosting did not have dairy in it (many types of frosting do not, and clearly this one didn't, as your son didn't react at all). If she knew for sure that it did not have dairy, then your child was never in any danger and she knew that. In that case, I'd say that you need to calm down about this. Grandparents feed their grandbabies nothing but sugar, and you should just get used to that. They earned the right.

However, if your mom did not know what was in the frosting, then yes, you need to have a calm discussion with her about your son's food allergies, and what the pediatrician has said about this subject, so she is clear on what the medical ramifications could be. Unless and until she is crystal clear on this, I would not allow your son out of your eyesight where food is involved (that goes for any care provider or relative he could be held by).

I think your mom was out of line AND you are overreacting. I wouldn't bring this up again with your mom however I would make sure not to put your son in the same situation again. A lot of people don't believe in allergies so although you have told mom that your son may have a problem with milk she doesn't feel it's a problem.

The rules for what and when to feed seem to change from generation to generation. When I was a baby our moms fed us cereal (or mixed it in a bottle with formula) at 2 months. When my kids were babies we began solids at 5 or 6 months. Now it's later. Unless mom is keeping up with the trends she just doesn't know and is doing what she did when you were little.

When you are calm:

"Mom, I know every grandparent wants a chance to give yummy things to their grandchild. And there will be a time for that. I know you were a great mom to me, and I also know you will be a good grandma to (son's name). I also need to know that you respect me as his mother and will respect my wishes. We've had a very hard time with dairy in his diet and for now, it's our choice (or the pediatrician's suggestion-- use this if it's true) that we avoid dairy for now."

I would also tell her what he *can* have. Blueberries, apple sauce-- be explicit with the sweet fruits that he does tolerate.

Is there something else in the relationship that would make you think this goes beyond a grandparent's tendency to want to spoil and serve sweets? (I don't think it's just grandparents by the way-- with my families-- both as a nanny and preschool teacher, many parents are inclined to offer sweets as a matter of course instead of reserving them for special occasions.)

If it happens again, have a more in-depth conversation about your feeling disrespected and her willfully ignoring your boundaries, and how this affects your trust in her. For now, however, I'd try to keep it light this first time around.

My mother in law did the exact same thing! At a party, after I had already told her that my 4 month old baby (who had only had breastmilk) could NOT have any cake or ice cream, she and my SIL "snuck" a spoon of ice cream in his mouth when she thought I was not looking. I heard her saying, "mmmm, ice cream! I think he likes it!"

I was PI$$ED! 1) I had been pumping and nursing around the clock so that he would only have breastmilk 2) It was so disrespectful!

I didnt say anything but was mad. In your situation, since its your own mother, I would definitely say something.

Its your baby and your rules. Your mom already got to make all the choices with her own babies and now you get to make choices with yours.

Once you have calmed down again, make a point of telling your mom that you are working hard to give your baby healthy food. Request that she please ask before giving any sweets and not give any if you say no. Thats totally reasonable.

Now - my MIL? My son is now 4 and every time we go to her house, there is cake, icec ream, and a million snacks. My son is so wired on sugar there that he is out of control. I've just resigned myself that the 12-14 times a year we are at her house, he is going to be filled with sugar.

My mom was the same way with my first child. She would give him sugary treats/candy etc right in front of me when was that exact same age as your son. She knew I didn't want him having sugar yet...but she didn't care. She wanted to spoil her first grandchild. Yes I was annoyed at the time. I guess your mom did not think the dairy allergy was a big deal or that there was much dairy in frosting. If you make it homemade you mix in a teensy amount (like a teaspoon) of milk with a TON of powdered sugar. If you buy it from the store there is no dairy in it...just crisco-like stuff. Yuck. Anyway, I would calmly and casually bring it up later...just say it worried you that she gave him something that may have had milk in it. Remind him he has an allergy. Tell her you know she just wanted to give her grandchild a sweet and spoil him, but she needs to be super careful about dairy. I do think you are overreacting a little bit.

first of all I can not believe you even tried milk products, but yep, totally an allergy/sensitivity to them. This does NOT mean that when she turns a year you shouldn't try again. The infant's gut doesn't have the enzymes to digest milk at all, even as yogurt or cheese, until they are 11 months and 3 weeks old. They did studies of actual infant intestines and found out that it really is in every case almost exactly at 12 months of age that they get that enzyme.

Second, frosting rarely has milk if it's commercial made. In fact it might have butter but usually it's shortening instead. But the sugar content alone would have had me mad as can be.

Third, you need to lay down the law now. We had to say to my mother in law that if she ever cut my daughter's hair more then a tiny trim we would not let her see her again. We meant it. I later had to explain to her that no fruit snacks did not have fruit in them. And we did tell her that if our daughters were given soda pop before WE gave it at 7 yrs old we also would not let her see them again. I love my mother in law, but I also wanted MY rules followed with my kid.

SO, next time you are calm and you see her tell her, "Mom, I have to talk to you about something. You really made me mad when at the birthday party you did the opposite of what I asked when you fed baby the frosting. I need to know that that won't happen again. I have my reasons for what I want to have him eat or not eat and if you can't respect that and follow my rules then I will have to wait till he is old enough to follow my rules on his own before I let him near you if there is food around."

Here's one for you. While my mother respected my feeding decisions and still does, my MIL did not. She was the one who babysat my infant daughter during the day when I was working before I became a SAHM.

When my daughter was six months old she gave her EGGS. And mangoes. And strawberries. And lord knows what else. She kept it from me but I could always tell when my child had eaten something that wasn't approved because her poor little body rejected it in one way or another.

My middle daughter is lactose intolerant. This my MIL understands, but it took a long time to get there. She still thinks "Oh, just give her some Lactaid and she'll be able to eat anything." Sure, Lady, let's just minimize the reaction now so you don't have to see it and I'll get to deal with it later." Rather than just, you know, avoiding what makes my child sick.

Here's what finally got through to her: "It's not an inconvenience for you to refrain from giving my daughter what makes her sick. It's thoughtful, polite, and grandmotherly. What would be inconvenient is having to care for a sick child who can't help but have diarrhea all over your nice furniture. And I know that you love her, so I know that you don't want her to get sick."

She's had to learn from experience when I wasn't there and she slipped some cheese into my daughter's lunch and my husband didn't notice. She also had to learn from experience that when I said, "No food dyes and no HFCS" I was serious. She saw the changes in behavior, mood, emotions, and increase in autistic symptoms. It scared her.

So you have a right to be angry and upset. Your mother not only disrespected a well spoken request, but she blatantly flaunted it at you and disregarded your reasoning for it. I would initiate some consequences each time you catch her doing this sort of thing. No feeding the baby at all, no visiting at a scheduled visit, etc.

My suggestion would be that you take a deep breath then sit down and write your Mom a letter. The issue isn't really about what she fed the baby (even though that is a concern) it's about wheat she did showing disrespect for your choices as a parent. I would use the letter to express how you feel about what happened, what you need to feel better, and what needs to happen to prevent damage to your relationship with your Mother. Sit on the letter for a few days then go back and read it, change it, whatever needs to happen to make sure it's not accusatory, etc. Then go see her, tell her you guys needs to talk, then ask her to read the letter first.
Good luck!