When "It Will Just Pass" Becomes Serious and Seek Assistance by a Professional?

First and foremost, I'm sorry for the seperation, sometimes it's best I know, but it's never easy.
Second, it sounds to me like he is frustrated. Have you tried to teach him signlanguage? Maybe if he's able to communicate a bit better, than some of the frustration might get directed elsewhere.
also have you tried putting him in his room, or a special corner when he does things he's not supposed to? Maybe a pak and play or soemthing (not his bed so he doesn't associate that with being bad), but someplace that when he does things that are not okay, he goes there until he's done with his fit or is calmed down. In conjunction with the sign language, this might help him to understand, fits mean the "corner", sing language means you're understood.

I don't know, it's so hard to know what's developmental and what is over the top.

I'm sure his reactions are due to the seperation, doesn't mean that you should get back together, but maybe his dad and you could figure out a way to help him feel secure and comfortable at both homes, have the same routine for "bad" behavior and help him to feel more secure with the situation.

good luck
K.

If he's super smart too, maybe ask your pediatrician to have him evaluated for some speech and/or learning disabilities. It might be that he is frustrated because he really does understand, just doesn't know how to say it, or it could be that he's figureing stuff out, but that inside his head it's getting jumbled, or maybe check his hearing to make sure he is understanding everything correctly.

and I jsut have to say, Page....the comment below mine. That is uncalled for. Yes, life seperated is not as easy as life together....but if the parents are grown ups, raising a child apart does not have to be horrible. Nothing like giving some encouragement to a fellow mother.

You may try listening to Dr. Laura on AM radio for a day or two. She'll advise you that your son's behavior is a direct response to your seperation from his Dad. Kids need both parents and if your only seperated, maybe it can be remidied. Dr. Laura Slushinger is on AM 650 from noon til 3pm mon-fri. She's written tons of books on children and women and marriages. She's very old school, but it's refreshing. One thing she may also tell you is that advise like your seeking is best from a professional, not other women. This site is great for many many questions, ideas, experiences etc, but when it comes to this serious of an issue, you've got to look to yourself, your husband and a professional, because it sounds like your baby is really responding in a destructive way, and he's so young that it can be worked on and reversed, but it'll take work on you and your husbands part. If the two of you are really not able to make it work and raise your son together, than it may be up to you to equip yourself with all the tools and knowledge out there on how to parent alone, it's not the same as parenting together. Plus he's a boy, so you may have even greater challanges as he grows into a little man. I hope that none of this is upsetting, I've just been listening to Dr. Laura for a longtime and although I don't agree with her 100%, I agree with her 99%. Good luck with your son and your situation, I truly wish you the best of luck, and hope things improve for you all.

Definitely pursue the professional help. Our son also had problems with aggression at an early age (combined with extremely high energy) and looking back I can see the early signs of what we now know was ADHD. I always came up with excuses for his behavior ("Just a spirited boy," "We need to be more forceful with discipline," etc.) when it was beyond his or our control.

The fact that your son is hurting himself is a big red flag to me and the doctors should take you seriously because that is a serious issue. If your current doctor doesn't, find one who will. Be the advocate for your child. Your son's actions may have absolutely nothing to do with your marital situation, so pursue some answers.

Good luck!

Hello D.: i am so sorry that you & your son are still going through so much pain. My friend Please get to the doctor as soon as possible. The time for "This 2 will Pass" is long over. Your little guy is in real trouble and if the doctor doesn't see it then get a new doctor!! He is to young to express his emotions and feelings and is learning a pattern that could stay with him for life. I wish that I could tell you that it will be better soon but that might not be true.
I have raised several children(foster & my own) and I have seen angry children that are so sweet and bright until their trigger gets set off and BAM a stranger is before my eyes. Is the father at all receptive to helping his son?? Is there a person that can be the go between the 2 of you so you don't have to talk to the man? I have seen from family members that it is hard to seperate ones real needs and the emotions between people that have caused oneanother pain.
I want you to know that even if you were still together with the dad- he would be the hero. There is something about the father and child relationship that goes beyond words. That said--
It sounds as if your end of the conversation is a trigger for your son. I can only guess at the pain he hears in your raised voice and his reactions because he is to young to understand its not him you are upset with.
Please get help for both of your sakes asap. Good Luck and feel free to keep contacting your friends at Mama Source for support and help. I will be checking for updates. NanaG

I could write a book, literally, on this topic - I am both the mother of a "rebel without a cause" sort of child that has been quite difficult, for lack of a better term, since the moment she was born. She is also highly intelligent. I am also a special education professional - I would like to reassure you that your child's behavior is, indeed, well within the realm of normal behavior for a 15 month old. As a mother that has experienced this sort of behavior with her own child, it feels as if you are completely alone, and like it is definitely NOT normal: not so. Take a breath. You just have to find the right way in which to approach the behavior with your son.
So, instead of writing a novel here, go out and get the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp. ASAP. Like, tonight, tomorrow morning - as soon as you can. Employ the methods the book teaches, no matter how silly you feel. I PROMISE YOU it will work. You must give it at least three days of consistent employment, and at the end of that third day, you will see results.
There is light at the end of the tunnel!

please trust your gut. if you're that concerned, make an appointment with the doctor.

also, see if the doctor can give you contact information for the early childhood/intervention program in your area to get your child evaluated. the pediatrician will not have expertise in the area of emotional/psychological problems, so they may have to refer you to someone else for evaluation.

i am constantly amazed at how willing mamas are to ask strangers for advice over the internet instead of just calling their pediatrician. please trust your gut. don't wait for strangers to validate you.

I cannot comment on your son's behavior from any place of experience, but you sound concerned and in my book that is enough to get him checked out. If something about your child worries you, then it needs to be checked. If not for his sake then for your peace of mind. And his behavior can be changed forever, he is not stuck here for the rest of his life! Good luck to you and I hope you get the answers you are seeking.

D.... You are right to be concerned... there are a few other things to consider. Sometimes children have challenges with processing/ frustration. I would definitely discuss with this your pediatrician and ask to have him evaluated. They are making great strides in identifying challenges early one and getting therapy to assist.

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I would not wait any longer as you never know when he might hit his head to hard and do real damage. Seek a professional now. He may not be angry at all. It could be autism, something else or nothing at all. Always is best to have things checked out.

I do think a separation of parents can cause great anxiety in children...and almost being divorced myself, I know that those feelings of anxiety can be so overwhelming that it is very easy to feel aggitated.

The other thing I thought is that fungus and parasites can both cause agggression in children, as many will attack the central nervous system. Serotonin is an ipmortant nerotransmitter in the modulation of anger, aggression, body temp, mood, sleep, appetite, vomiting, etc, and is located (90% of it)in the gut. Many parasites reside in the gut, and can affect serotonin. among them bacteria, but also blastocystosis reduces serotonin, and some worms.
I have read that children with head banging problems got well taking antifungals.

Magnesium/chromium/zinc deficiency along with an overload of calcium and glutamate underlies most mood and behavior disorders, causing agression, depression, grouchyness, aggitation, etc. Magnesium is involved in 300 brain enzymes.

Nuts/beans/seeds and green leafy vegetables are sources of magnesium. As you can see most of us and especially children probably don't get enough. Grain used to be a good source, but the overprocessing of wheat has removed most all magnesium from processed foods, including breads. Supplement 300-400mg magnesium for a 3-10 yr old boy.

Other things that can contribute to improving behavior disorders are cod liver oil and vitamin b complex, which includes thiamine. (vitamin b affects the nervous system and most diets are deplete of it. sugar in the diet kills b levels).

Here's an article on nutrition and behavior:
fttp://orthomolecular.org/library/articles/webach.shtml

Hi Mama,
It sounds scary. I can see from your question that you are a hands on mom. A peditrician can tell you easily if your child's behavior is in the normal range. I can tell you that I have known children to hold thier breath in anger, until they actually pass out... so lots of crazy phases happen with toddlers. I do gently suggest that you go outside to raise your voice with dad. If your kiddo is this sensitive, we can protect him wherever it is possible. Best of luck to you, D..
J's mom.(he was quite the handful. He is a delight at almost 5- there's hope!-)

S,
You could call the warmline and have an assesment done. But it does not sound like it is a medical problem. Of course I am not a professional. The warmline asses's things like ADD, learning disorders, behaviors and autism. The head hitting is what concerns me the most. There is such a thing as high functioning autistic. In other words they can be very inteligent, but do some of the things that autistic kids do. If anything, it will put your mind at ease to get a "no" answer.
W. M.

Hi,

Get him checked out to rule out anything serious and for your peace of mind~

Take care,

Molly

Hello:

I want to send you some support. I am one of those "strangers" you have reached out to...and I for one would just like to tell you I feel your pain. And I understand the appeal of asking other moms...sometimes a doctor (any doctor, not just a ped) doesn't "get" that there's really a problem. And I for one struggle with "am I being an over-reactive mom to my way-too-busy peditrician, or is this a real problem". Sometimes it's hard to know and it is always nice to ask another mom...

My son went through this same sort of behavior...it's not easy. The person you love the most in the world (one of them anyway) is hurting themselves. That hurts you too, doesn't it? And to worry that it may be because of something you and his father have done - double yikes! Yes, separation and divorce are quite difficult on family, EVERYONE in the family...not just the children.

With respect to your son...let's say the problem is caused by the separation...help him to discuss how he feels. Ask him how he feels about daddy not living at home any more. Ask him to draw a picture of daddy and to talk about what a great dad he is. Try to remove "husband" from your mind and put on your best teacher hat and just help him tell you how he feels. He may express anger at you...maybe he thinks it is your fault...or worse, HIS fault. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. Let him have his feelings. The more we can talk about them, name them, and know we live in a house where it is safe to have negative feelings, the better we get at dealing with them.

Whatever comes up, just keep telling him it's OK..."it's OK for you to be mad at mommy, that's bound to happen. So what do we do when we're angry?" Let him come up with ideas, if he will and if not make suggestions..."well, I've heard some kids will try taking a deep breath or two right off, you want to try that with me now?" The reason you say "some kids" is because they will be more receptive to ideas from other kids than from mom...

Make other suggestions, yelling into a pillow...maybe hitting a pillow, maybe something else physical that is acceptable to you and your household...

Have this sort of conversation with him at a time when he's not angry...then suggest he do some of these things the next time he is angry. You have to remain VERY calm for it to work...he cannot see that he's pushing any buttons of yours...just let him know it makes you sad when he hurts himself and you want to help him work though his feelings...

As to Dr. Laura - yeah, I've heard her. If you want to move back to authoritarian parenting, then she's your gal. Yikes to that. I prefer attachment parenting. I love the concepts given with the "Love and Logic" method...(google "Love and Logic" to find out all about it.)

Parenting is hard enough when life is going smoothly...these last few years there have been LOTS of bumps for many families...the economy, the housing problem, and so on...it's hard right now. Good for you for reaching out in a time of need to get input. I would suggest you talk to your child's doctor. But don't feel helpless to work with your son either...it's hard to stop everything you are doing to focus on him when he goes into a tantrum, but sometimes you just have to do that for a few months to help them work through stuff - and he's going through BIG stuff. I do not believe it's for attention...he's mad, his world has changed...and he probably doesn't understand why, and likely wonders what he did...to him, it's all about HIM at that age...

So just give yourself permission to love him. Don't worry about what others say, we all are too quick to judge and we do not know what has happened in his life - but you do. So just be there for him to the best that you can. And if you're dealing with you own frustration and anger issues, find someone to help you with those so that you can model getting back to center and being OK with things for him.

Much luck to you...My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. I hope you can find a bit of quiet time each day to center yourself and gather your strength...it's important for both you and your son. (and if you think your son needs professional help, get it, that's OK too!)

P.
PS: Maybe you could schedule phone calls with his dad during your work lunch break only...so your son doesn't have to hear them.

He may very well be reacting to your separation, and banging his head because he doesn't know how to deal with his feelings. I would ask his pediatrician to help you find a psychologist or a family therapist, and find out what they believe is causing his problem, and what they recommend you do to help him. And if your "counting to three" strategy works, stick with it--- but I really don't think "time out" is appropriate for a 15 month old. They don't really get it until they're about 4. Good luck.