Who Has in Law Issues?

Wow....by the way...I can't stand my father in law AT ALL!!! but back to you lol. I am a smoker (I know..bad, bad) and I have the courtesy to not smoke around people who do not like it. Even in my own car, I won't light up if there are non-smokers in my car. However, I do if they don't care. But I can't believe that your in laws won't go outside while you are there. It's not like they are making a huge sacrifice...it's just while you visit them. I think they are being very selfish. I do not blame you for not wanting to go over there one bit. Good luck to you!!!

I'm am editing now...just in case this next response doesn't make sense to my first lol. I just read Jessie's response and she has something there. Not every smoker will be as considerate as I try to be. Try hosting the get togethers yourself and since it's your house....there is no smoking in your home. That way you can still see your in laws and not have to worry about your asthma...they will have to go outside.

C.,
What you could try, amiga, is invite them individually to YOUR place, and then YOU could establish rules like 'go out to your car to smoke if you must'. Hey schools do it, restaurants do it, why can't you? It's a way of compromising and you'd at least be showing a wish to connect.
If they continue to treat you like a second class citizen, then realize it's they who have the issues. You'll have tried. Your hubby should be at least backing you up, especially if you put your best foot forward. I understand that he'd be feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place between 2 factions that can't co-exist, but he did make a pledge to you, so it should end there.
Good luck.

At first, I thought you were me, then I thought maybe you were my sister-in-law. I totally understand. I don't know how much advice I have for you, but I can totally sympathize. My in-laws are heavy smokers and I am pregnant with our first! Usually, we just invited poeple over here, but lately it seems as though they are having get togethers and don't bother to invite us, which I think is rude, as well. As long as it's nice outside, I will go over to their house, but I don't know what will happen when this baby gets here! Let us know what you're going to do!

C.,
My oldest son had asthma since birth and my former bro-in law would smoke in the house near my son, I would say something to my dad and he would agree with me but never say anything either.
I asked my son's dr how to deal with it. First thing he said was to put a sign around my son NO SMOKING! So the next time I went to my dad's house we brought 2 signs and but them on the doors. When people who smoked came in they asked my dad what was wrong with him. He said-- Ben's dr said no SMOKING around him or he could DIE. Well everyone got the hint. No more problems.
IF a gathering will be at their house, call and decline the invite and tell them why; or attend and wear a sign on your front and back NO SMOKING and people might think you're a bit crazy but maybe the best way to inform them. They have signs that can be bought at propane companies with the # of feet on them, IE.. no smoking within 50 ft or something like that.
I hope you can resolve this problem, I used to smoke and am glad I quit but before I quit I didn't smoke near people who didn't like the smell or who has asthma, or other breathing problems.
My D/H just suggested getting a small oxygen tank to take to family events. You can't smoke near oxygen. Just a suggestion.

Best of luck with this horrible situation,
D.

Hi C.,

I don't have asthma, but I am very allergic to cigarrette smoke. Both of my parents smoked when we were growing up, and neither of them thought about, or realized how it affected us, so I just had to deal with it. When I was an adult, and no longer around the smoke on a regular basis, I was able to express to my Mom how it made me feel to be around it. Her & my step Dad began smoking outside, even when I wasn't home! Until my Mom finally quit(after 43 years), she never smoked inside when she came to my house! My husband used to smoke, and he would never smoke indoors, even before our children were born(even in the dead of winter)! I guess I'm very fortunate, because several of my in-laws, and their grown children smoke, and once my husband told them I was allergic, they either went outside, or designated a smoking room. They have always been very considerate of me & the kids, and were willing to make the sacrifice in order to have me around. I am lucky too, because my husband always spoke up for me, and led by example. I hope that yours is willing to do the same for you. Good luck!

I think you are right by avoiding them. If they can't respect your health issues, don't go visit. If they ever ask you or your husband why you don't visit, be honest. You have a right to protect your health. Since the weather is getting warmer, they should be kind and smoke outside while you stay inside. Their actions are ill-mannered and selfish. Who needs that kind of company?

MC

It does sound a lot like they're choosing a filthy habit over a relationship.

Take a look through Miss Manner's books, with a particular focus on family relationships... There are a number of things she makes very clear.

Being extremely polite to people is quite a fun source of smugness... and you can keep inviting people to your home, brittly changing the subject after a frozen-smile pause whenever their behaviour gets weird or their words get personal or insulting... and continue to 'regret we must decline' invitations which will put you into physically-damaging situations.

Yeah... be 'above all that' and remember: whatever venom or disrespect comes out of someone's mouth is about 10% of what is rolling around inside their heads -- directed at themselves. Can you imagine living in their heads?

Hi C., My name is M.. I feel very bad for you, due to the situation. When I had my second child 24 years ago, he developed asthma at a very young age. Neither his dad nor I smoked but several members of my husbands family did heavily. They would make no effort to step outside to smoke when we were there for a family function. My pediatrician stressed no cigarette smoke what so ever because it would set David(my son) into an asthma attack. Afer several requests and many illnesses later I made the decision to stop taking any of my children to there grandparents home. I was ridiculed, called not so nice names and labeled by the in laws but at least it spared my son from being sick, up all night coughing and using his nebulizer. The only times I did concede to visit the family was during the summer when we were outside exclusively. The biggest problem of all was my mother in law. She told me she smoked thru all 7 of her pregnancies,in the vehicles and house and she wasn't going to change because of a grandchild. Stick to your guns, it is your health that you need to take care of. They are being very selfish. M.

I've been a non-smoker all my life (okay, I "experimented" a few times in my idiotic youth) and spent a few days being sick after visiting my inlaws each outing, and can say that while I told them I was sensitive to smoke, I NEVER ONCE asked them to not smoke in their own house. In my mind, that is over the line. Yes, you should say that smoking makes you very ill and you could die, but it is still their house. It's not really disrespect in my mind, it's just plain not thinking (selfishness?) that their disgusting (sorry smokers, no offense) habit can be hurting others as well as themselves. And you could go so far as to when they lit up, ask if they mind you opening a window so you can have fresh air while they're smoking. I sat as far away from my inlaws when they smoked.
Now, at your house, set down the ground rules. The porch or other open-air areas (backyard, NOT garage) is for smoking and it doesn't enter the house.
My problem ended when the older relatives all died from lung cancer - the younger ones all have small children and don't want to expose them, so they don't smoke near them and I always keep their kids close to me as a shield. ;)

Obviously you have no power to change your in laws. Have you tried meeting them for dinner etc. in a smoke free environment? I do not always get along with my in laws and try to overlook things for my husband's sake. When you love your wonderful husband that's about all you can do.

Hi C.,
I was kind of in your situation, I wasn't allergic to smoke but I HATE being around it. I would would feel sick the day after being around it. What I did was start inviting them over to my house. Like you I wanted to be aroung my in-laws but didn't like the smoke. I made them smoke outside. They didn't mind making that sacrifice though. I have been married almost 10 years and over the years they have learned to be more considerate. They now smoke outside at their house when we are there. If you really want a relationship with them I would start by having some bbq's at your house and maybe they will change over time. Good luck.
Chris

Hi C.,
I can relate to what you're going through, some of my hubby's family are the same way with me...(I have asthma as well and they won't quit smoking around me either). His brother totaly disrespects me when he comes around with his drunk behind, drinking in my car while we're driving, lighting up cigarettes when he's been told not to do it. I've lit into his butt many times but he still doesn't get it. I don't know if I have a solution to your problem but I felt the need to let you know you are not alone...One thing we have to remember is that they are his family...I have to remind myself of that constantly and bite my tongue alot. I look at my hubby a certain way and he let's them have it. Do you believe my bro-in-law actually wanted my hubby to put me out of our home so he could move in and live livda loca because he had no where to go, his wife put him out because he wouldn't get a job, stop drinking and doing drugs in front of his kids. We let him stay for a little while until he brought drugs into my home and I put my foot down and told my hubby I've been uncomfortable in my home long enough it's time for him to go, I want him out of here before the night is over. It's unfair of you to put me in this situation, I don't owe your sorry dumb brother anything. He's gotta go and I don't want him around here again until he get's his life together because he's not dragging you down with him. He went into rehab (which didn't work) and that's when he asked my hubby to put me out so he could move in with him...some nerve huh??? Well if you need to tak some more my email is ____@____.com...please email me I need to vent as well...(smile)

Well, my father in law and sister in law smoke and i hate to be around it or have my kids around it too! They both pretty much know (after 10 yrs. of marriage) that they are not welcome to smoke in my home. It is sad that Papa won't stay usually longer than 20 min. at our home because he knows he can't. However, I feel like I can't say anything at their homes. I just don't go often. You would think they would know that it is not good for them or anyone around them. Hope this helps. A.

Plan outside events.

C.,
This is a little different take on the topic. I am a non smoker and so is my husband. But both of my parents smoke and have my whole life. They smoke one after another and even when my kids were babies and we were over there they still did it. Not good, I know. BUT... It is their house! They can do what they want in their own house. If I didn't want my kids around the smoke, I didn't have to expose them to it. Plain and simple. But there is no smoking in MY HOUSE. Would it be so absurd for you to host the get together? They should respect your right to have a non smoking house just like they have the right to smoke in theirs. Or here's an even better idea. Have gatherings outside. Then they can smoke and you can breathe.

J.

I think you are right. That is exactly what they are saying to you. Your health is not more important than their bad habit! Can't they designate a 'smoking room' while you are there? It seems to me that it would take very little effort to make their home a place that you could visit, but since they are willing to do nothing but smoke in your face...you have no choice. Yes, it is their home, and nobody is telling them they CANT smoke in their home...but one can make exceptions for loved ones without giving up their rights!

Kudos to you for standing up for your lungs!

~L.