Why Do I Feel This Way

A., Kudos to you for leaving. I put up with an abusive man for 12 years of marriage. We divorced 2 years ago and I still have pangs of guilt. Do not let guilt drive you back. It is hard but you can do it. He and his Mother will try to manipulate you, that is what abusers do. They have a sick relationship and need professional help. I have two sons and if their girlfriends/wives ever call me because they were violent; Only God could save them from me at that point. His Mother should not condone his behavior and should stay out of it. With that said, I encourage you and the children to seek couseling. You can call SafePlace if you are in Austin or your local battered women's shelter for assistance and couseling. You did not mention how long this has gone on in your life but the longer it was the harder it is to feel "normal" w/o the therapy. Good luck to you and you and your kids are in my prayers. CB

A.,
I know you are overwhelmed and have heard everything you need to continue to protect yourself and your children. You have done the right thing and the hardest part is already done. The average abused woman leaves 3 times before she is able to break free. Some don't make it. I want to give you a few more pieces of information that might help you.
1. hotline number-1−800−799−SAFE(7233). 24 hrs. Call when kids can't hear so you are free to say whatever needs to be said.
2. I work with children such as yours. If you keep returning them to an abusive home, you can lose custody of them.
3. Call CPS, tell them the story and ask them for supervised visits with your husband IF you want the children to see them. Do not allow your mother in law to supervise the visits. She is not a reliable person.
4. Safeplace can arrange safe housing and counseling for you and the children. The counseling is specialized. Please do not use a pastor or counselor from the phone book. That is roulette. It is free at Safeplace.
Their number is: Safeplace Domestic Violence
1515 Grove Blvd # A, Austin - ###-###-####
If you are not in Austin, the hotline can direct you to another shelter.
Congratulations on doing something many women could not do. We are all with you in spirit.
K.

Hi A.,
You asked is this normal? As crazy as it sounds yes. No matter how bad things may have been. We miss the person and the life we thought we would have. As for me,my first marriage was to an abusive man. I pretty much knew that going in, but I just knew things would be different (than what I was raised in). I was sure if I did all the "right" things I would have my "fairy tale" life. Things did not work out that way, and when I finally left (no Children) I missed what I thought I was going to make of this bad situation. Trust me though be strong for your kids and you will get pass this time. You will have happiness in your life. My mother is in her 60s and is still married to her abuser (he no longer drinks), but I really don't think she is happy. She never had the strength to leave and make a life for herself and me. You do this for your children. Maybe when the dust settles they can have a relationship with their dad. I will pray for you and your children. D.

A., please listen to me. I was in an abusive marriage for 5 yrs. I had two children with this man. I felt guilty for thinking of leaving because I thought my kids needed their dad. The HARDEST part is over! Leaving is the hardest part. If the violence hasn't gotten "that bad" yet, trust me, it will. I say "that bad" because abused women tend to try and justify what is going on when they still love their abuser. My ex started by just pushing me, then it went to slapping, and then the real stuff started. Of course, the verbal hurt the most to me because they physical would go away, but the words stay with you. DO NOT go back! Try to remember why you left. When you miss your husband, you aren't thinking of why you left. You are thinking of the man you wish he were. He's not that man. This is one of the most important lessons you can teach your children. If you have a son, he will grow up and treat women the same way if you stay with your husband. And if you have a daughter, she will think that's how men are supposed to treat women. YOU ARE SO BRAVE for doing what you've already done. I know how hard that is. All these feeling are normal. I prayed A LOT and asked God to help me stay strong. Don't sugarcoat why you left with your kids. I learned that in therapy yrs later. When you do that, the kids get a false sense of who their dad is and you look like the bad guy. Just tell them that daddy has a problem and its not safe for you to be there. The older they get, the more you can tell them. Three yrs after I left my ex, God sent met the most amazing man in the world. He is the man I always wished my ex was and more! A., there is a man out there who will not only love you and your kids, he will treat you like you were meant to be treated. Hang in there girl! YOU CAN DO THIS!!! Please let me know if you need anything!!! I'm praying for you!!

this is very normal however you have already shown more strength then most woman in abusive situations. Be strong and do what is right for you and your kids. I would speak to a conselour and find out the best way for the kids to see their dad but for you and them to stay safe. I know it is really rough but it will pass. I think there are situations that call for marriage counseling but sometimes it is to dangerous. Good Luck and my prayers are with you.

Because that's what abusers do!!! They make you feel guilty for thier actions. Stay away, seek help, protect your family.

A.,
I left a bad situation like yours with 3 daughters...it was the best decision I ever made. At the time, I had mixed feelings, but I did know one thing, and that is I did not want my daughters to grow up in a household like that and think it was ok. I have learned a couple of things and one is that his entire family may try and persuade you to come back - don't give in. Stand your ground, and if need be - don't even take their phone calls and ignore the text messages. Go talk to someone - a counselor, a pastor, a family friend. Do not get me wrong, I had many days where I cried and cried because I felt bad for leaving - mainly for the kids, but at some level, I did still love him. It took some time to heal and get past it all, but since then my girls have grown into teenagers and I have remarried. I know now that without leaving, my life would not be what it is today. As for him, he hasn't changed and has the same problems in his present relationship as we did years ago. Its funny though, I look at him now and don't even know who he is anymore. So, when you are feeling sad and a little guilty, please know there are so many people who have been in your shoes. You have to do whats right for you and your children and you will be forever rewarded for that!

I want to congratulate you for taking that step to leave. A lot of woman do not for the very reason you now are saying you have feelings about. Do not feel guilty because you have done the right thing and shame on his mother for trying to make you feel guilty. Stand your ground. You left for a reason and you must remember that. I don't doubt you loved him but that is not always enough. He needs help and I urge you to get counseling or to contact a domestic hotline. There is help out there for you. Your children will be much better off not being around that situation. You have gotten great advise from many below and you should realize that you are not alone in this situation. You are a strong woman to be able to make the decision you made and you know deep in your heart you are right. Sure it is tough because your life has been turned upside down but this is only temporary. I once was married to an alcoholic husband who was not physically abusive but verbally abusive. You can only take so much and one day you wake up and realize the situation you are in is poison for not only you but your children and you and your children should come first. Even today I have remained friends with my ex for the sake of my children and he is the first to say I did the right thing and he has respected me for doing what I did. Together we would have destroyed one another. My children to this day thank me for leaving and after I left I came to find out that my children had been miserable and so wanted me to leave and get them out of that situation. He eventually went on to remarry and treat his new wife the same way. It is a never ending battle when they won't get help themselves. It will take a little time but you will find peace and not have all the stress in your life and you will look back and wonder why you didn't leave earlier. It takes time. Please have patience and believe in yourself and your decision. Don't go back because you miss your house, your life style, like his mother or family or feel guilty. Those are so wrong of reasons to go back. Always remember the reason you left. As for him loving you, I am not an expert and maybe he does love you in some way, but honestly does anyone really love a person if they treat them badly? I have to honestly say I don't think so. That is not love. You want your children to grow up to be strong and compassionate people and they certainly won't in the enviroment they were in. They would have just turned out acting like their father if they are around that all their life. Again congratuations and I am very proud of you for taking that step to get your life in order. Get yourself help and move on. You will find there is a much better world out there than living like you were. Life is to short and you deserve to enjoy yours. Good Luck.

Part of being abused is physical, but part is mental. An abuser plays upon your emotions. He uses guilt and shame and fear to manipulate you. If he can't reach you he will use family, kids, money,or anything in his arsenal. He is used to getting his way. He may feel "lost" but not because he loves you so much. Its because you sent him a clear message that you were not going to take this anymore and he didn't see that coming. In one breath he will tell you that he needs you and will change, and as soon as he has his little world under his control again, he will go back to his old ways. So many women fall prey to this. They go back again and again. It doesn't end well. Not only do they put themselves and their children in danger, but they teach their children that this is normal. Daughters will grow up and get in to similar relationships, and sons will grow up thinking that this is how you treat a woman. Be strong for you and your family and get your self in to some form of support or counciling. Best of Luck!
I'm praying for your family.

Just stand your ground. You are doing a great thing keeping him from the kids if the possibility of violence is there, you are doing your job. It is so normal for you to feel the way you do because this is your husband and you are wired to stick with him through thick and thin and now you have to do something no-one would ever want to do because some things happened that no-one would ever want to happen. Just continue to take whatever steps you need to legally so you will have all your i's dotted and t's crossed etc. His mom probably just doesn't want to face reality and after all he is her son. You are not and can never be his savior. You can help a person a lot but only they can decide they need to take aggressive steps to change. I really hope he gets help and can have a cordial relationship with you and can see his kids, but that is something really up to him, you can pray for him but you are really doing the right thing protecting the children and they will thank you when they are older, believe me! Hang in there and don't let guilt or feelings that he is going to fall apart without you take over, keep your kids at the forefront of your mind. When this intense season passes, I strongly urge you to seek counsel for yourself as well to help you in your process of healing. I will pray for your family.

Of course it is normal. Please seek help from a womens shelter.

That is normal. You miss the way he could be or not being alone, the company but you are right! If he is violent to you and or the kids, stay away! You are doing the right thing with him being mean, it could get worse if you went back, stay away. Hang in there! As time goes by it will get easier to be away. Get help and stay safe for you but for sure the kids sake!

You are not being mean, you are not wrong, you are being a protective (and smart) mom!

he got violent, not you! He was wrong, not you!

DO NOT LET ANYONE . . even "Grandma" guilt you into going back to a bad situation or next time you (or your kids) might not make it out under your own power.

Wait until there is third party supervised visitation avail before you let him see the kids, he blew it and he needs to earn the right.

You will probably hear (if you haven't already) that "he is the father and he deserves to see his kids" and "you are the most important thing to him and he needs you back" . . . DO NOT LISTEN! you and your kids are the most important thing to YOU! He gave up his "right" to see the kids when he got violent and he showed your "importance" to him at the same time. HE NEEDS TO EARN IT BEFORE HE DESERVES ANYTHING BACK!

I know that all sounds harsh, but this comes from a been-there-done-that person. You will have moments where you don't believe this, but YOU ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT than with someone who is violent!

remember, you and your kids are worth more than that and you DESERVE better!

Good luck! an my prayers are with you!

There is nothing wrong with you. You are very brave. You are just feeling a bunch of emotions that are perfectly natural. Just pray and be strong for you and your children.

A protective order won't work unless you continue to stay away from him. Until he gets help, don't let him see the kids unsupervised, EVER!!!

God Bless you,
J.

No, stay away from him. He's crossed a very dangerous line and is playing on your sympathy. Yes, it's normal, you're wondering if it's an isolated incident etc. Get support from friends and a women's shelter that can put you in touch with the correct support group and learn how to rebuild your life. I don't know what he did but I'm assuming violence was at the root of it. Stay tough and God bless.

It is completely normal. Moms always try to defend their kids. My ex-husband's family was the worst. I loved him so it was natural that I would miss him and feel badly. You got together with him for a reason in the first place and I am sure not all of the times were bad with him. It would be natural to miss him or the him that you thought he was going to be. Don't get dtawn into. I know from experience that any kind of response just draws you back in. You have to keep yourself and your kids safe.
Good luck from one successful survivor to another.

hi.A. sorry to here what you and your childern are goin threw.is this the first time he has ever done this to yall? even if it is that aint no reason for him to be that way to his family and of course his mother is goin to say stuff like that because that is her son.you need to follow what your heart say's to do.i would not go running right back to him that is for sure make him suffer for a bit.your childern come first.i wish the best for you and your childern.hang in there

It's human nature to feel this way...it will get easier with time. You should probably stop all communications with his mom. If it got so bad that you had to leave and put an order of protection against this man, then his mama should understand. I packed up and left my husband about 18 months ago. It was not an easy decision, but the best one that I could have made for me and my daughter. Stay strong, stay focused, and stay away. He may be lost, but he has not changed!

I have read all the responses and they are all very supportive and give good advice. I just wanted to add one thing: you are legally obligated to do whatever is necessary to protect your children from your husband. If you take the children back to a situation you know is dangerous, you could lose your kids. Put yourself and the kids first. Remember, he doesn't hit anyone else when he gets angry at them, only you. It is a control thing and he can't control you if your not there. That's what he is missing right now. He might be missing you and the children, but going back now would be the worst thing you could do. He must voluntarily seek help for his issues before you even consider going back to him. Also, you NEED to contact an attorney to get immediate, full custody of the kids. If for any reason he went to an attorney first and filed, the court would grant him temporary custody until a full investigation had been done. I'm sure a shelter could help you with this. You can also call the Department of Family and Protective Services at 1-800-252-5400 and they will get you help.

You are a woman, you are SUpposed to have feelings. However, there is a time and a place, and THIS is when you need to use your head, and not your heart. Your kids and their future are what is priority. Keep your eye oon the ball.

Don't go back. He will not change and it will not be safe for you or your children. I pray god can lead you through this and make you strong. Don't feel guilty because you have taken his children away from him, he did that to himself. If you have not, please contact the domestic hotline, they can give you lot's of advise and other avenues to help you and your children. Trust God and he will lead your path.

We are creatures of habit... He's the father of ur children and ur their mother it's normal to miss the good parts of him u remember, but with that kind of bad in him u cannot be with him. It's all fresh for u and ur gonna have all kinds of feelings but seriously remember what he did to make the house unfit for a family and don't return. It's so easy for one to forget the bad and just want to remember the good. Think with your head and not your heart. He will not change, he should have never done that... People have self control and if they don't exercise it's their loss. There is no no no excuse for a man to do that to a woman especially to the mother of his children. Think about that u r the mother of those children how dare he?? If you don't place value on yourself no one will.

your missing the good parts of him, when he was fun, nice, warm. its completly normal. if you want your mother inlaw to still have a connection with the kids thats great. i would tell her not to text you anymore about him. you might mention you wish the best for him but are going to make sure your kids arent exposed to his violence ever. be strong if you really think your going to go see him, please get councling. they will really really help. even talking to a preacher will put things in perspective. hang in there momma!

You need to find someone to talk to. You are doing the right thing by keeping your children away. How old are you children? You need to explain in a way they understand why you are doing what you are doing. Keep talking to them at their level but keep your issues away from them. They are children and do not understand some adult things, even if they are mature for their age.

There are a tone of groups out there for support. I did a quick google search and a huge list comes up. Go find a group to help you.

It is the mother in us that makes us want to go back to things that are not good. Your husband is familiar. What you are doing is not. We go for comfort, but this time you need to stick your guns.

There is a article in O the oprah magazine, august issue "Why Didn't They Stop Him?" You should read it. I am not trying to scare you but you got a order against him for a reason, and i know that order was given with conditions that you must also stay away from him. I know this because I had a protective order against my husband 9 years ago. Do not put your children or yourself in danger, because things can go wrong in an instant, before you can even call for help. Read the article then decide. Chances are he is not like that man but you need to read it. Be bless. Be safe. Love in Christ

You are doing the right thing by keeping yourself and your children safe - as mother, that's the first priority. Please don't let your mother-in-law guilt trip you. Mothers will generally always stand by their sons and think they are angels regardless of the reality that her son/your husband is abusive. Stay strong and don't give in to him or your mother-in-law. Maybe you could block her number so you don't receive those texts? In regards to your questions, nothing is wrong with you, you are doing the right thing. And your question about if this is normal, no this is certainly not normal. Violence should never enter a relationship whether you're friends, dating, married, and especially if you have children. I feel sad for you that your husband was abusive, but, more importantly, hopeful that you did have the strength to leave and take legal action against him. That's one of the hardest things to do and you did it! Now if you can continue to stay strong, perhaps call 2-1-1 (or 211.org) for help (they might have counseling or other opportunities for you), and you and your children will be in a better place.

Wow, you have gotten some excellent advice. We women do know how to stick together! I have to say that I am in almost the same position as you. My ex did not hit me, but he would've , I have no doubt. He was mentally abusive and manipulative. We were only together 2 years thank goodness, but long enough for me to have my son. My ex had an abusive father and he is repeating the cycle, he is so mean and vicious in his words, I could hardly believe it. I was confused by his addiction to pot, thinking the flying off the handle all the time was because of that. I'll never know. Doesn't matter, because he wasn't willing to seek help or change.(showed how much he loved us , huh?)
My parents had they're issues as well, but the day my dad slapped me, was the day my mother kicked him out. She showed me very clearly that it was not okay. I was glad for all the fighting to be over. So, when I found myself in the same situation, I knew I didn't have the choice, whether it was the pot or his issues, I couldn't let him mistreat me or my child and was not going to raise my child in that environment of fighting and cursing. I love my son too much, he deserves better, hell he deserves the best. So do I, so do you. So don't settle for any less. They are masters of making you feel guilty. My ex just made me feel guilty that he hadn't seen my son the last two fridays because he had to work. Not my fault..Truth is, I prefer he see him as little as possible, because i'm afraid that even in that one day they spend together, he'll pick up his aggressive character. I don't want that, I want him to stay sweet and compassionate. He already has a tough side, I don't want him to get anymore. It is so easy to miss the person you loved, but like someone said, you were inlove with someone else,not an abuser. Let him go, and move on. I told mine, "I didn't sign up for this". Oh and they make promises to change, but it never happened for me..not worth wasting our time! It is best for your kids and you, don't worry about him, he can take care of himself. Stay strong, don't put yourself through any more. Maybe write down all the instances that happened, keep it where you will see it daily (not your kids if they can read)to remind you. I have a journal, and sometimes i go back and read it just to remind myself that this guy is not so charming as he likes me or others to believe. And yes , maybe you wanted to help him, but you can't. you just can't.. I know it gets lonely, if you need to talk , email me or call. I'd even be willing to go to a group with you, I've been feeling depressed myself and could use it! D.

You are a strong and amazing woman who is protecting both herself and her family--even your husband. What you are feeling is very natural. I think we women want to please everyone and so we become riddled with guilt. Just as you hear that violence is a cycle, my experience taught me that the victim also goes through cycles. If it was right for you to leave than trust your instinct and hold onto it. It is not easy as family and friends cannot fully understand, but staying away once I left my ex-husband 12 years ago provided the steady "camera shot" they needed. After his whining and praying and pleading the violent tendencies started to show in other ways that today his family and mine are very thankful knowing that the kids and I are safe. My ex continued downhill--I pray your husband makes better choices. I don't know the ages of your children, but I found it best to be honest with them as age appropriate and to help them and you realize it is not their fault or yours--it is a choice another person has made that affects them. I still do this for my kids and to remind them and me of good times and good traits of their Dad. I think it has helped. God Bless

I know you've received lots of great advice but here's my 2 cents.

What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You don't just automatically stop loving someone, but loving them doesn't mean they are good for you or your family. So good for you for getting out!

You should text your mother in law back, that if you were really important to him he would go to anger management and therapy to get his violent tendencies and anger issues under control. (Not that you should take him back or ever put your self in a dangerous situation but I do believe people can change if they want to... you can not change people, they have to change themselves.)

Definitely stick to your guns! It will get better, you are doing the best thing for you and your children. I hope you have family support that you can lean on in this difficult time. Hang in there!

R.

The first thought I have does his mother know what has been going on, does yours? If they love and want to protect your children from this they need to think out this. You need to protect yourself and your children from this til he get some help and sticks with it for awhile before even seeing him. If he wants to talk with the kids do so over the computer. Or over a cell phone. Good luck I know that this must be hard to deal with.

A.,

My response is to you, but without advice. There is little to nothing that I could add to what these women are already telling you. I am sitting here in tears, reading their stories and advice. They are wonderful, and telling you the right things. I have sent flower after flower, and even some personal e-mails. I cannot possibly give enough kudos to them.

I would say to you, no, beg of you, to pay attention to what they are saying and take it to heart. You were strong enough to do the right thing. Keep that strength.

Best wishes to you and your children.
B.

It's normal. Don't do it. Your number one priority is the safety of your children and yourself. Violence is not OK, and is seldom "curable". Don't give in. Ignore her texts. If you give in to your loneliness or your fellings of compassion for him, or memories of when it was good, you put your kids at risk. Next time, will you make it out alive?

You're doing the right thing, violence is NEVER right! You are protecting yourself and your children. Its only natural to be feeling lonely, its really not so much Him that you miss as it is the expectation of a marriage relationship that you miss, I know its difficult to see the difference between the two, but you have to stay strong. If your MIL can't see that your doing the right thing and be more concerned for the safety of her grandchildren, then you should stop reading her texts and you desperately need to find an ally that will listen to you and validate all of the right things you are doing, to strengthen you against giving in and going back, because if you go back it will only get worse!!! You have got to realize, it will only get worse.

It is a normal feeling. Hang in there and do not go back to him. You are feeling guilt and that's wht he wants you to feel. Save your and your childrens lives. Stay away from him.

J.

When we love someone it is a natural thing to miss them. However when a person is violent and you appear to have seen this action on more than one occassion, we must use our better judgement and do what's best for all concerned. Staying in an abbusive realationship tells our son's that it's ok to solve your problems with your fist and beat your wife. It tells our daughters that I am just a woman and it's ok to let my husband beat me, moma did. NO!!! I would say you will feel this way for a while but take it from someone that allowed her heart to over rule her head and now some 25 years later I am left with the scar of having to end my ex's life to protect me and mine. Be strong and you will find a man that will protect you and make you feel like the queen you are. We do not need our kids living in fear. In time your heart will heal but the scars of domestic violence run much deeper than the flesh. God bless you and please suggest to your mother in law that your ex take anger management courses. If he seems to be doing his part, let him see the kids that is if you feel that he would not hurt them but as for you....drop the zero and get yourself a hero!

I am very sorry for what you are going through.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY DOING THE RIGHT THING !!!!!!! NO DOUBT.
I was once married to a violent man and he had custody of his only son. (the other wife left him due to it ) she figured leaving her son behind would be best, she knew he'd come after her if she didn't.
Of course i learned all this after i married him.
However, I knew why God put me in his path...to protect that child as much as i could...his dad tried to get pretty violent with him as well with me but I STOOD STRONG !
His son was only 5yrs old at the time and i stayed for 8 yrs ...when my stepson finally went to highschool our marriage ended and i knew the timing was perfect ...he was now taller and bigger than his daddy ....and his daddy did not get violent on him any more....and my stepson knew that i protected him quite a bit ..and he thanked me later.
YOU MUST PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN....THEY WILL THANK YOU LATER...YOUR JOB IS TO GIVE THEM A LOVING AND PEACEFUL ENVIRONMENT....AND THAT MY DEAR IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING RIGHT THIS SECOND...YES YOU WILL STILL MISS THE MAN THAT HE WAS BEFORE YOU SAW HIS VIOLENCE ...BUT THAT MAN IS NO LONGER IN EXISTANCE. ITS GONNA BE OK.

Bless your heart. Stay strong. I hope you are getting some counseling and, if not, please do find professional help. It is very hard to deal with the feeling you are experiencing.

If you live in the Austin area there is a meeting you may want to attend Thursday night. Contact me for details.

Yes it is normal, when love is involved. But stick by your guns and do what you set out to do - it will be better for everyone in the long run, even if it is tough now. You have to think of the kids first and yourself _ be strong!

First of all, good for you on knowing when to get out. Lots of women don't and end up hurt badly or dead. Not to mention the kids being subjected to the violence or hurt themselves OR growing up to repeat the cycle.

This is perfectly normal for you to feel strange or bad about things. You've lived with fear, shame, tension, stress, hurt, etc. Now that you are away from it, you've had time to breathe and to think. But don't go down the path of YOU being wrong about leaving or keeping the kids away from him. You did the RIGHT thing! You read everyday about men who go crazy and end up putting their wives/girlfriends/children in the hospital or the grave. It's not a predictable situation.

Don't let ANYONE tell you that you should go back or make you feel guilty or bad about leaving. So what if he's lost without you? Did he stop to think about that before he got violent? No! Did he stop to think that if he REALLY loved you, he wouldn't get violent? No! People who really love each other do NOT get violent. He needs anger management and even after that, there is no guarantee he won't revert back to violent behavior.

I suggest that you contact an attorney right away. Do NOT let him know where you are, don't give in to any "texts" you get, don't feel sorry for him at all. And don't go back, specially if he "promises" to never do it again....he WILL. He's an adult and should be able to control himself. He should place you and the kids above anything else.

It's normal for you to miss him, after all, you married him right? Lived with him for however long, saw him every day. But you can miss a dog or cat too. This too shall pass. A man that lets his temper get control of him is NOT the type of man to be around or to raise children with. THAT is what is not normal.

Try to spend time with the kids, I don't know how old they are, but if they are older, they might be scared and confused also. If so, get them help. There are alot of resources out there to help you and them. Go to http://www.hawc.org/site/c.olI0IfNYJwE/b.4430393/k.7593/H... for info or call ###-###-####. They are WONDERFUL over there, very sweet and will give you all the support and info you need.

This is not a life that you have to "put up with". You CAN make it through this. Think of the kids. Think of yourself. You and them deserve better.

Please let us know how you are and if you want to talk, just send me a message.

Good luck! K.

You love him and you miss him. He's the father of your children. Your entire life has just taken a detour. Of course you are going to feel this way! You have to know that you and your children will be safe before ever going back or allowing visitation. If that's the reason you're keeping your children from him, then you are not being mean, you're being loving and protective in spite of how you feel about him. Give yourself and him some time to sort this out. He needs to get a grip and realize that you aren't going to put up with violence. From now on, even if you ever go back, you will always have to have a back up plan just in case. I don't know him and can't give you the best advice in that case. I do know some men can get physical once and never do it again. But, I also know, with many that it is something that just gets worse. You know his character and if this is out of line with his character or not. (Has he always been possessive/jealous, etc.?) So, that being said, I'm not advising you to stay away or go back. I'm just saying that you are not wrong to protect yourself and your children. You are not wrong to still love him and long for him. You are not wrong to mourn the life you thought you were going to have with him. You are not wrong to hope that he gets help and is happy. You are not wrong to be happy without him. You are not wrong to want your kids to have a relationship with him and you are not wrong to keep them from him if he is an unfit parent. You will have many emotions from now on because of this. Just don't make your decisions based on those emotions. Each day will be different. You have to think rationally. You will have to take chances. You will have to have back up plans. Pray for your husband. Pray for your kids. Pray for God to give you much wisdom beyond how you are feeling.