Dear all,
First of all I would like to tell you that I am not from US, but I came across this website and I found it very helpful. So, I decided to write about my issues. I have so many things going on that I don't know how to start. It's my relationship with my dh...it's bad, like really bad. We are both 31 and have been marrried for 6 years. Together we have a 4 year old son. We had issues from the beginning, but I just couldn't imagine my life without him, so I ignored the signs. He was and still is very, very impulsive. One moment he is fine, the next he explodes. He is easly offended, always sees the ugly side of people and is very isolated. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't need anyone. I don't know how to describe our marriage, so I think maybe is best to give you some examples.
I go in the park with my son and there he hurts his finger. The nail bleads, the finger swallows and he cries. I try to confort him and we go home. His dad sees him, askes him what's the matter and then he starts screaming why can't I take care of him. I tell hhim that I didn't see him and he goes insane. "Where were you? Can't you take care of him?" I raise my voice and tell him to stop it. He grabs my neck with his hand and pushes me to the wall. I star crying, he gets his hand of me, but he is still cursing and call me names. This happened about 2 weeks after I had a surgery. And it was a serious surgery from which I still heal. Next day he acted like nothing happened. And of course he expected me to act like nothing happened.
Before I went to the park he was upset. I don't even recall the reason, but the hurt nail was just an excuse.
Yesterday I went to see one of dearest girlfriends which I hadn't seen in ten years. I told him about it, he agreed so I went. He texted me, called me, where exactly am I, when I come home...My battery finished so I hurried home, but it still took me like 40 min to get home. He was furious!!! Didn't talk, dind't answer my question, he ignored me, but I could feel his tension. I cooked and then in the evening I went to bed in a different room because I didn't want to face him. He came in my room screaming and threating me" You will see, you will see what I will do to you". I panicked and raised my voice and asked him what was the problem, I went for an icecream, I didn't do anything wrong. He just waved his finger in front of me threatening me. He then left and then came back again and which point I also losted and screamed at him. He started to call me names, to tell me that he will go and" f...the 20 old hot girl he saw at a party" and really was heated in that moment so I screamed at him to do whatever he wants cause I didn't care. He than pushed me, I pushed him and he started to hit me. Not in the face, but he hit my head, my arms ( I am full of bruises). I was so scared and I hit him back, when he was hitting me I pushed him, hitting him with the leg....a nightmare.
These scenes are not unusual. He never admits his fault, is always my fault. He tells his parent his version- I am a heartless b* that does nothing all day ( I work full-time btw) and I don't take care of the house, of the kid....and they believe him! Every word! He told them that I started the fight and he was just defending himself.
He doesn't help me with anything in the house, he is like a guest. I swear he doesn't lift a finger to help me. The house is messy, I admit, but with a fuul-time job and zero help, I can't do better! He never goes in the park with me and our son. All he does is playing video games or watches tv. I am so sick and tired of all this! I have so many resentments that I can honnestly say that I wish he were dead. And then I feel guilty..I am aware that the situation is not normal, but just cannot see how I can manage a divorce right now. In my country there is no such thing as "legal separation" so it's rather I divorce or I stay,.I left many times, I mean he asked me to leave his house and after a few days he took my son and I returned. I am terrified about the future, I cannot see any hope or happiness. I didn't ever imagined that life could be so hard!!! I am my witts end and don't know what to do. I know I have rights too, it's just I don't want to do something I will regret later- like divorce. Because it will be hell and after it finishes I will probably feel guilty and lonely. It's a though spot to be and I coud use some piece of advice. I feel so lonely|! I was thinking of telling everyone I know: all our friends, my co-workers, the people from my son kindergarden. Is this a good ideea? I still have bruises which I cover at work, but what's the point of hiding? I will be embaressed, but what else can I do? I need people on my side. His parents defend him like he is a saint. What if I get back with him? What will they think? That I am crazy...So confused about everything.
You need to call a womens shelter, get some legal advice and make an escape plan.
Take the kid(s) and leave As Soon As Possible then divorce him.
This sounds like a very abusive relationship and not a stable man to live with or raise kids with.
It's better to be without a man than to live with an abusive man.
Google 'womens shelter' for the area you live in and GO! NOW!
It sounds like you married my ex. Please, please get away. Call your friends and family and tell them EVERYTHING. Yes, ask for help. They love you and want to help you. Contact a women's shelter. Just go. Honey, being ANYWHERE else is better for you and your child than being with him. Truly, at this point, wouldn't divorce be welcomed? I wouldn't regret divorcing him...I'd regret ever marrying him in the first place.
And please, please delete your internet history.
I am praying for you.
You know you need to get out of there and not sometime...like YESTERDAY. He is abusing you. Do you want your child growing up thinking this is alright?Do you want your child to not have a mother? I don't care what country you came from you are going to have to be brave and leave. I am not clear where you live, but in the United States you have rights. And you have the right to live. You don't have to be bullied anymore. If you fear the police, then look up other websites in your community to get help, call your church, or local hospitals and tell them what is going on. Make a copy of this letter if you are shakey and worried about how you are going to handle this. You are very literate the letter explains it well. And do not hide this anymore. As another mother said, let everyone know where possible. You need to be protected. And look up that website youarenotcrazy.com I think. Do not permit one more black eye, one more scratch, one more blow to your dignity. You are worthy of being loved.The man -while perhaps using the culture to treat you like this, is sick, sick, sick.
Please find the help you need to get out. For you and your son. Lots of good suggestions here. Do you have a doctor you trust? Go and have them photograph your bruises? I feel like you need to document these things because otherwise it's just "he said/she said." I know someone who went to the police and chose not to press charges but at least had the proof on file. This is the hardest part, starting. But long term, this is the best thing you can do for you and your son. Your husband is abusive, narcissistic and dangerous. It is dangerous for you to stay. There is nothing there for you. You may have moments of satisfaction, nostalgia for your history and concerns about regret, but this is a bad, dangerous relationship and I hope you can find the strength to focus on the future and the better good and accept that there will be some tough challenges as you make your way to a happier and more fulfilled life. There is no reason you cannot have happiness and peace. But you cannot have it where you are now. Personally, I would tell trusted friends and family so they can help support you in this process. Some day you'll look back and be so happy you were strong enough to make the move. Be sure you are protected however you need to be - your husband sounds like he won't let this happen peacefully. Talk to a lawyer and mediator - so you can do all of this as amicably as possible. There are groups out there for women in abusive situations that can provide services, point you in the right direction. Having a mediator help so that your husband feels more a part of the process vs. a victim might help him not be so reactive and vindictive. Best of luck to you. Wishing you a happy ending at the end of all of this.
Is there a domestic violence helpline in your country? Can you talk to your doctor about help?
Go. Do it yesterday. Take your son and leave, do not go back, and do not let him take your son back.
Do not tell him you are leaving - just pick a day when he's not around, and don't be there when he gets home. Go stay with a friend or copworker that you can trust to keep your location from him.
Don't tell him where you're staying. Don't tell his family where you're staying.
Be sure to also turn OFF the locator function on your phone.
you will not- EVER- regret leaving him. Don't think for a moment that leaving is the wrong choice!! Think of raising your son to think this is normal - and worse, think of the terror he will know as he grows old enough to understand it.
Take the ladies' advice and get out NOW. Today. I would first go to a women's shelter - they will keep you safe and make sure he can't just come and take your son just to get you to come back. They will help you. I wish I knew how else to help you. My heart just breaks for you and your son. Please please please get out immediately. :( ((hugs))
I will say - when you leave, he WILL be furious. Don't answer your phone, and save any text messages or voice mails he sends. Definitely don't tell him where you are. He will dig his own grave by his reaction to you leaving- and you will have plenty of evidence as to what kind of man he is.
It is time to leave. Leave. Get an attorney and go speak to a domestic violence center for the safest way to leave. Make your own life elsewhere. Get a full time job to support yourself. Change your phone and email. Don't overthink this...don't keep in touch with his parents. This will be the best thing you have ever done. You deserve much much better.
Hon, there's only O. issue in your marriage: your husband is abusive.
You don't need to live like this.
You need to plan a way to get out safely.
Call the domestic violence hotline given below.
They will guide you how to leave - safely.
In the meantime, let someone know--your mom, a best friend or close co-worker. Just pick someone you can trust.
Call the hotline.
Good luck.
You need to stop worrying about what everyone will think and worry about your safety, your sons safety and the example you are setting for your son. If you stay you are accepting the situation and eventually, as your son grows up, he will learn to behave the same way because you have taught him it's acceptable.
I was in the same situation and only left after my daughter was born. I couldn't bear the thought of her being treated like that but that's what I was teaching her was acceptable if I stayed.
These people don't change, their family won't change, stop
Hoping for it to change. you are a strong woman capable of being independent, raising a son who can learn how to treat women well without an abusive husband.
You won't be lonely if you stay busy, focus on empowering yourself and raising your son in a nurturing, healthy environment.
Sweetie, you need to confide in a trusted long time friend. Do not talk to his family or friends or your co-workers. Talk to your friend and tell her everything. Ask her to help you find an attorney or domestic violence advocate.
I know you want to tell many people but if he is good at hiding his violent nature they will not believe you and may tell him what you are saying.
Before we had domestic violence laws in the U. S. there was an underground movement to help women and children leave abusive men. There may be on in your country now, you just need to find a contact.
You need to take your child and leave him. Hopefully a divorce will allow you to keep your son and he won't have to see his dad often.
My best advice to is document everything, keep a notebook hidden somewhere he won't find it. Write down everything he does to hurt you. document dates, times, who was there and what happened. This documentation should help you in court.
Do not feel guilty - none of this is your fault.
Life is too short to spend it unhappy. It is NOT fair to your son to see you in this position. It's not an example of a husband and father that he should be seeing. I would pack my bags and take my son and leave.
No separation but file for divorce. But I see things very black and white. If you are not to this position yet, maybe talk to him and tell him flat out if things don't change then you are leaving. But ONLY if you mean it and are prepared to do so. Good luck.
my dh talks like yours. but has never hit me nor pushed me. and he knows that if he ever does the kids and i will be gone. period. you should get out of the relationship, you should get out as soon as possible. divorce him and don't look back. he will never change so there will be no going back to him. protect yourself protect your son. right now your dh is being a bad example for your son. others have posetd resources for you to check into please do so. if the country you live in does not have these or similar resources go to the police dept and ask them for help.
