Why Do You Think Differences in Parenting Styles Are So Upsetting to Us?

Generally it's because we parent the way we believe is best. If we see a friend or relative parenting differently it usually goes against what we believe is best and it's hard to watch, especially if you really care about the kid.

I get upset because I feel that so many people are harming their children. I do think that most people have good intentions and do not wish to harm their kids. Still, I strongly feel that my parenting style (or one similar) is the best way and causes the least damage.

Parenting is hard period and it's hard to say what you'd really do until you're there. I have learned to be more flexible over the years, but I still do judge and avoid many people because of they way they choose to raise their kids.

hahahaha! this question is SO perfect for me and my husband! we're going through the "well, I was raised THIS way" phase of parenting...

I have a hard time getting upset by the way other people parent their kids, probably because I'm a teacher and I see one of the end-results of hundreds of different parenting styles every hour of my work day!! I have noticed, through the years, that so many factors go into those "end results".

One thing I do find challenging for me, and often I feel that I "hold my tongue" here on mamasource as a result is when parents judge other parents. For example, the whole SAHM vs. FTWM "debate"... I see the kids of BOTH of those kinds of homes, and for the most part, I can't tell the difference by the time they're 12/13!! It really bothers me when a mom poses a question about helping their child get accustomed to mom working, and someone chimes in with the "you need to be home for that child" comments. It also bothers me when women think moms who "choose" to stay home are somehow not setting good examples for their own kids. The same with co-sleeping, breastfeeding, attachment parenting, etc. People get very invested in the way they have CHOSEN to raise their kids, that they don't want to see why anyone would do it differently. I see kids who have been raised ALL sorts of ways, and rarely do I think, "boy, that kid was not breastfed and now just look at what a mess he is!" or "hmmm, they must have co-slept with their parents for too long", etc.

I think these are at least some of the reasons:

1. Different personalities have an enormous impact on our preferences. Some of us are eager to question, explore and adapt, and some of us need to be cautious and stay with the familiar.

2. We are strongly identified with our own early training, our ideas and opinions, our cultural sub-group, the people we choose as friends, and (TA-DA-A-A!!!) our families, particularly our children. We tend to believe these things define who/what we are. So we tend to admit only supporting evidence, and reject anything that might shake up our view of ourselves. It's so human.

3. We're never absolutely certain that we have made "the" right choices, overall or in any particular detail. But we crave certainty. We are afraid to show doubt, so we must project certainty (even if we're not aware we're doing so). So much hangs on our being right: our children's acceptance in society, their mental health, their future success with jobs, money, and relationships, to name just a few.

That's heavy responsibility, and we care so much. We desperately want to believe that we are making the best choices. So rather than just listening and considering, we often react strongly if others question or correct us, or if we see someone with a style that contradicts ours. The possibility of being wrong is just too painful to bear.

4. Most traditions, cultures, religions, and educational institutions teach that their way is the best, or the most enlightened, or the ONLY way. Many of us hang onto the training we were raised in as if it were the only possible survival raft in the raging river of life.

Again, that's so human. We live in "interesting" times. The world is ever more crowded with people competing to meet their needs, so the world feels more "us vs. them" than it did when there was less social, religious, and economic diversity. A lot of us are losing whatever financial security we might have had. Social norms are changing, and no matter how inevitable, change is always unsettling. Opinions become ever more polarized. Among other means of hanging on to "stability," styles of being/parenting are ever more desperately clung to, for whatever comfort we might wring out of them.

Hmmm, I notice that I'm just warming up here. I love your question. I've got work to do, so I'll sign off. I look forward to reading other people's thoughts.

Because they either carry the idea '''maybe I am wrong to be less strict than these parents - ''' or ''' I think those parents are abusive and I have no idea how to help their children'' - or ''' It never would occur to me to be so openly affectionate -- am I missing out?? - are my children missing out??'"" --- Strong differences make us wonder if we're wrong- or if we could help children that ( to our eyes ) appear to be being harmed.

How could it not be upsetting????

Just my opinion--

J. - aka - Old Mom

Human nature is selfish and self centered. We want to think we're right because it's painful to think we could be wrong. Myself included.

There are times when the differences must be confronted, because we are protecting our children from influences we feel are not beneficial.

Ultimately, when there are these differences, we "weed out" aquaintances and spend time with like minded families, so the old saying rings true, "You are who you associate with".

Great question, J.!

Best regards,
~P. G.
Portland Preschool Directory
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I think it's because none of us know the TRUTH, but we like to think we're for the most part parenting RIGHT. And when we see someone doing it differently, that makes us uncomfortable, unsure of ourselves.

It's kind of like religion. We feel more comfortable when we are around people who believe what we do, for when someone doesn't, that may cause us to doubt our own "rightness."

The truth is, though, that we all do it a bit differently (parenting AND belief), and that doesn't mean anything is wrong. Each child is different, and even with my two little ones, I have to approach parenting them in a slightly different way. I have to assume other parents are the same.

I'd agree with some of what others wrote in that parenting is a tough road we spend a great deal of our time thinking about how best to parent, and at this stage in our lives, we have practically devoted our lives to it. When you invest this much time in something, you are bound to have some very strongly held convictions. For the record, I think many of us are tolerant of other parenting styles, and many of us moms learn from each other even though we have different parenting styles (Mamasource is a great example of parents with different views coming together to help each other). Perhaps it is the only the "outliers" or, styles that wildly fly in the face of our 'chosen' parenting style, that are the ones that are most troublesome.

But is also bears mentioning that different parenting styles can have real and tangible effects too. Sometimes different parenting styles can become a problem when a child is misbehaving and impacting another child - eg, one child is hitting another child frequently, grabbing toys, etc and the "parenting style" or tactic of that child's parent doesn't seem to be changing the child's behavior. THAT would definitely be upsetting at playdates, family get togethers, and could start impacting the relationship of the parents.

I know an older lady (grown up kids) that is very opinionated about the way her daughter raises her own child. I think it comes from insecurity. This lady thinks that her way is best because thats the way she did it and it worked, so why would you do it any other way...? If she has to admit that there is another way then she might have to also admit that her way (though it may have worked for her) might not have been the best...I think this is true for our generation as well. I have 2 sister-in-laws and we are all VERY different as to our parenting techniques. It is very upsetting sometimes when one is doing something that another feels is very bad (in their opinion). I guess we just want to do the best for our kids and we think we are, so if someone does something the opposite it upsets us (our way is best, remember)...its silly, but its life.
I really strive to remember that everyone is different and what works for me, wont always work for others. You also have to be able to accept that you arent always doing what is "best practice" but you have to do what you have to do, right??? :) If you and your friend dissagree on a parenting issue, perhaps you should talk about it further...why one does it one way...etc.
When you find the answer will you share it with me? :) HAve a great day!

because we think our ways are the best, we are afraid to think that we might be doing something that isn't the best for our children, and it is always easier to criticize others!

What I have learned in being involved in parenting groups for 9 years now, is that looking at our parenting choices can be very painful. One of the reasons, is because we tend to either do exactly what our parents did or the opposite. Many times these choices come from places of pain and guilt, making differences and learning, hard to look at. If we admit that we could do something different than our parents did, we are admitting that the experience may have caused pain to us, as children and to our children, if we passed it along. If we can stop and know that the first thing we should do is breath, then parent from calmness, regardless of our parenting choices, things usually come out better. I myself am trying everyday to be a different and better parent than my parents and my old self and everyday it can cause pain or excitement in my accomplishments. The most important part of the journey is to forgive yourself and ask your children for forgiveness, for mistakes and to start a new.

I love that you ask this question publicly. I think about it often. I read some of the responses and they are very insightful. I often say, "I never knew how vulnerable it would be to be a parent." I have chosen a certain path in my parenting, I am a therapist and I teach parenting classes. And I want to be so respectful of the diversity. Their is a Persian poet, Jelaludin Rumi and a line from one of his poems is, "there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the ground." Isn't that the truth. I used sleep training and not only from my perspective, but from others, my children are quite confident and self assured. Others have done the cosleeping. I've realized, what is for one person, is not for the other, but how do we stay respectful and connected to one another as we, shall we say, come into our own as a parent? It's a process of being true to yourself and genuinely respecting the other. The difficulty comes in those conversations where someone is in the midst of going down a certain path and they start sounding judgemental and self righteous. In those times, it's important for the person on the receiving end not to take it personally and to recognize this person is in the midst of defining an important value for themselves, their children and their family and it just seems to be a part of the process to get on your soap box. I look forward to reading more of the responses.
A little about me: Mother of 6yo fraternal twin boys, lost job, going through major readjustment and got a new job which pays poorly. Have a wonderful, WONDERFUL husband.

I think Peg nailed it.

We care so deeply ... and have generally invested so much in the choices we have made ... any alternative that even vaguely *might* be better is a huge stress to be exposed to, because if you do something besides reject it, you will have to engage and make your decisions all over again (an emotional/mental output that is a real potential threat to sense of self and well-being).

If your friends are upset instead of rejecting, I guess that's probably a *good* sign (although undoubtably exhausting) ... sigh ;).

An excellent question! I've enjoyed reading/skimming through everyone's answer.
I'm not sure if this was touched on, but in addition to what everyone else has said, I also believe that we live in a contradicting society. I know there have always been contradictions but these days it seems to have crested (hopefully). Things that were once considered acceptable are quickly being reanalyzed, retooled, criticized (in some cases possibly for financial gain), and sometimes rejected. When I was growing up my mother relied on Dr. Spock. There wasn’t a whole lot of competition at the time. My dad’s mom relied on some doctor that advocated not showing your child a lot of physical affection for fear rearing a coddled child—explains a lot about my poor old dad, but this was a common parenting style at the time.
There are exceptionally strong contradictions in political ideology, healthy living (including diets), home styles, educational curriculums and teaching styles, religious beliefs, environmental beliefs, and the list goes on. The contradictions are nothing new but our strong reactions against them … I don’t know. What do you think?
Love your question. It’s been fun to read so many opionions.

Hi, J..
As a rule, most people tend to view the opinions/actions of others primarily in relation to (what it says about/how it reflects upon) them: if you choose to do one thing and another person chooses something else, it calls into question who is 'right', (ie, smarter, wiser, etc.)
A healthy approach is to recognize that beliefs and opinions are, by their very nature, subjective. It is okay for you to think/do what you feel is right - and okay for others to do the same. You'll find over time that the more confidence you have in your own choices and decisions, the less the differing opinions of others will offend/affect you. ~cl

I am not really sure. Maybe we veiw other styles when we come into contact with them as harming our family in some way. I know this is one of my big problems right now. Hygene, diet & even the way one of her favorite friends dresses is so different, I don't just view it as another way to parent, I view it as wrong. I don't want my daughter to learn that this example is alright. It's not alright in my eyes & I see it has harmful to my daughter. I don't want her to think that that kind of life style is a good one to choose. I am doing the best that I can for my child. When I see other parents doing less than their best for any of there children I wonder why they even bothered to have them. Parenting is a huge resposability & the most important one as I can see in this world.
You can bet I will save this to my files. I woder alot about this subject.

A parent loves their child and really wants what is best for that child. The parent thinks long and hard considering everything to come up with parenting plans and philosophies that they believe are best. If another parent with an opposite view is right, then we are hurting our child or at the very least, just not doing what is best for our child. So, we become very defensive of our choices and get upset by people that parent in a way we don't agree with. Either because we think they are harming their child by parenting that way, or because the simple fact that they consciously parent that way is really saying that they think you are harming your child or not doing what is best.

Hope that makes sense.

For my husband and I, we are working hard to raise our son in a parenting style that is completely opposite from our parents. For example, my husband's father was overly strict and often abusive (my husband remembers his father shoving my husband's poopy underwear in my husband's face after an "accident"). I think parenting styles can "strike a nerve" and remind us of prior (often negative) experiences. Thus, the response is charged with emotion.

Well, when we agree to another type of parenting - it is similar to saying we don't agree with our own parenting style...who wants to admit they are wrong. And have BEEN wrong for some time. It is tough to change. And if my parent's did it then it must be okay and if you tell me it isn't - you are telling me that my parents did a lowsy job of raising me....yadda yadda yadda.

You are asking someone to change their belief system when they aren't ready too.

positively,
M.