Differing Parenting Styles

This is a subject that is very close to my heart. I so want parents to be more enlightened about effective parenting. Love for our children comes rather naturally to most, but parenting skills have to be learned. So many never think of it this way. We all have so much to learn. I promise you that, no matter how much you think you know, raising a child will prove to you just how much you do not know. I don't know of any parent worth their salt that, after raising their children, did not look back with regrets over the things they did not understand and wish they could have done things differently. That doesn't mean they were not excellent parents. But I can tell you that I learned more from raising my son than I was able to teach him.

Children need discipline as well as love and patience and kindness, but one of the best things to give your child is for you to live your life in a humble posture of learning. Try to think more about what you might be able to learn. Unless someone asks, you don't need to tell them what you do or do not do with your child. When you hear the other moms telling a story of indulging their children, you have the choice of saying nothing or saying something neutral like, "That isn't something we have tried" or "We are trying to balance discipline and love, but that is always a juggling act, isn't it?"

It does take a village to raise a child and how we raise our children will have an effect on other children and other families. Part of the reason the impulse to correct the other parents is so strong is because your motherly instincts prompt you to improve the community your child will grow up in. This is natural. But, if you want to improve your village, criticism is not a very effective tool to use.

By taking on a humble posture of learning as a parent and staying focussed on your own learning process, you are far more likely to effect your friends with your example. For instance, you might get books on parenting and language skills and really start improving yourself. In the excitement of learning, we naturally share our discoveries in our casual conversations. So, by being a 'learner' instead of a 'knower', you might actually attract others to become more interested in learning.

The book I have recommended to parents most often is The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda Popov. I promise you that if you stay more focussed on your own learning, you will be much happier, you will be a better parent than you thought you could be, and it will be easier to inspire others to move in that same direction.

Hi Carrie,

Yes,,there are different parenting styles, while ones may look too permissive or too authoritative for us, it is just OUR decision to keep doing what we are doing, and raising our kids the way we think is right. I think you are doing a great job, and I am not saying nice words H. to make you smile, it's just my honest opinion. You know your children and you know what is best for them. You will find parents with different approaches to raise their kids, ones your own friends or another people you just know. You will feel the need to agree or disagree with them, and it is OK while you choose a nice way to say things. If you see something that you think is negative for a child, you may give your opinion or suggestion in a way that the other parent does not feel like he/she is being a bad parent, nobody wants to hear criticism about his/her parenting style...nobody, but everyone wants to have suggestions, ideas, honest but nice opinions. We are ALL moms in the same boat, and we are doing the best with the "tools" we have to raise our children. Some moms make more mistakes than others for different reasons (lack of information, tempers, their parents' influence, etc...)and others make less mistakes, and when we see them we feel uncomfortable and we want to help those children. Example: "Wow......don't you think that would be nice and more exciting for your kids to make them wait until later to open their presents, and give them something before that to be amused like cooking cookies, or wrap special little gifts for our closest neighbors...?" whatever.....an opinion just giving ideas..or "why don't you try this or that....?"
Carrie, in my opinion you are right and I feel the same way as well sometimes, sometimes we have to have patience and keep silence, and sometimes depending on the situation we can use a modest opinion. Some people will accept it, and some won't, and that is part of life.
Merry Christmas!!!
Alejandra

I completely see your point. I've been in the same situation. However, you may actually find out some good ideas or see a different point of view from these women. Sometimes I think I have the best way to handle something and someone comes along (who I thought I'd totally disagree with) and gives me a great idea or tip.

You can always tell your son "In our family we do ..." if he ever says, "Why can't I ... or they do ..." I've used that line many, many times with my kids. Remember, try not to say something you'll regret. They'll remember it too, plus you have to keep working with them. And yes, they do drive you nuts. Good luck.

If you think it's bad now wait til they are in school and choiceing their own friends. To be blunt you need to let it go or you will go nuts. The best thing you can do is just remind your children of your rules and if you see another child acting like a brat use that opportunity to say to your child how proud you are he doesn't act that way.

Unless your friends ask for advice, it is not your place to comment on their childs behaviour.

Maybe so you don't offend them, they will also have a lifetime to live with these kids they are training to be spoiled, just smile or say 'oh' and let it go. Don't try to comment at all but remain kind. You, too, will someday see things you did not do right and that weren't about drinking soda, or other similar things. We are human parents and we all have blind spots and even ideas that are wrong and we can't see it or don't want to see and later....we do see it. So try to be patient and remember your job is to teach your child and if they ask advice or you can say in a nice way your thoughts on why you do it your way then do that but otherwise don't comment. You want these people to be your friends and they work with you and it's just not worth it. Believe me someday you will see that soda is not the main issue. What's in their character and heart is the main thing.

I often have this problem, too. Many people spoil their children, and it can be hard to keep your mouth shut. You should, though. Unless someone is asking your advice, just keep it to yourself. This is true in any situation. :) Be glad you know how to raise a productive child who will not torture the people around him. And if you are concerned that these children will be a bad influence on your child, tell your co-workers that you are busy, etc. They will get the hint.

Hang in there Carrie, you will not be sorry for training up your child to obey and respect you. Undisciplined children will not learn respect for their parents or other authorities that will be over them in their life time. The will also lack other skills that will help them when they begin school, and then the work force, I know because I work with these kinds of kids every day. They don't even know they lack the ability to do the job and they have a hard time following instuctions and sticking with a job until its done. they don't have any self discipline. So hang in there and continue to do the best for your child, and encourage where you can without being judgemental, Just ask God to show you how to do that and He will. Just like He will give you wisdom on training up your own child.

The truth is, woman/mothers can be some of the MOST judgmental creatures on the face of the earth. Take it from someone that has been judged as part of making my living, it's best to just accept the differences and go on.

When someone comes and meets me about daycare, we sit down and talk. This is my chance to not just tell them what I can offer them, but to let them know what kind of parent/daycare provider I am. Some people will love me. Some will think I'm too picky or have too many rules. I've even been told that I spoil the children and that I don't have enough rules. I've been described as a great provider and I've been described as just another babysitter. Why so many varying opinions? Is it because I change from day to day? No WAY!

I too have ideas, opinions, ways of doing things, and I too believe I know the right way. How often have I put forth my ideas on these boards here just to get blasted publicly and privately? And yet I have way over 400 flowers from people that appreciated my advice. I only give you these examples to show you that there really are all kinds of people and all kinds of ideas in the world. We can believe with all our hearts we have it figured out. Maybe we do, for us. I mean I need to run my daycare a certain way. I can't make a whole set of rules and do things differently for every child and family I care for. I have to patiently look for families that appreciate who I am and agree as much as possible with me.

These are your friends. You don't have to be with them often. You can limit how often you are. These are not your roomates. These are not woman you are trying to hire to care for your children and you aren't caring for theirs. So there's no reason why you have to agree with their parenting style.

Have you considered that they probably disagree with the way you handle things? Maybe they think you are too uptight or too strict? Would you want them to limit their time with you or snub you because of it?

Hi Carrie,

I hope you don't mind one more response. I will admit I didn't read through all responses. I'm kinda on in-law overload and am just barely on brain function, but that's another conversation!
But when I first read your question I immediately thought of a similar situation that I've been through, and my kids are teenagers! A couple years ago I heard of some parents that allowed underaged drinking and a co-ed sleepover. One of my dearest friends couldn't understand why I was so upset about it because in her eyes, the parents were just giving the kids a safe place to drink and crash. "Do you want them out on the road after they've been drinking?" In my opinion, I didn't care what spin was put on it, it was allowing ILLEGAL/underaged drinking and a co-ed sleepover! And was I surprised that it was her son in trouble, not once, but twice for drinking before he graduated high school? It doesn't get any better as the kids get older.
I think I agree with Denise's response, to try not to be too judgemental but to just reinforce your values.

Lori K

Carrie I would agree with you that yes your being judgmental, BUT(and a big but that is) there are ways you could address some of the issues you mentioned. Like soda at 3, thats unhealthy leads to bad teeth, diabetes, or obesity. I hate to see 1 year olds with a bottle hanging out of their mouths filled with juice and thats how I would respond to their partents. The present thing suggest they dont put them under the tree until time although a 3 yo should know. These moms are still the people you have been friends with and just bc they parent differantly doesnt change them only changes how you see them. I would be be concerned about growth development and if my child was "on time" with the others and not with how their children act, remember this is a wierd and experimantal age. They might evan take advise on disaplining if you ask, maybe they think "time out" is the key and in my experience sometimes the kids need alittle more.
The boss is probably the boss for a reason and if she is not doing her job i am sure there is someone above her you can talk with.
I have made alot of mistakes when it comes to friends, I hope you recieve the patience you need for yourself when making the judgements and when becoming irratated. Dont hastly say something that will lead to friendship and co-worker distress. Merry Christmas and enjoy your little one.

I totally hear you, Carrie, but the others are right...don't say anything at all. Just smile and nod and then go home and be aghast as you recount the stories to your husband or mother! ;) I know that is hard to be around kids that don't follow your same "rules", especially with the tantrums and hitting, but I have this to say: It's never to early to teach your own kids how to act in crazy situations. Your kids are going to have to learn how to be okay even when others aren't and if you like hanging around your coworkers in friendly situations, then just prep your kids to make good choices and follow through with the discipline you would normally do if a situation arises. Sometimes it's tough b/c you end of feeling sort of like a bad guy, but if it's the best decision for you and your family you gotta do it anyway. Good luck, I know exactly how this can feel!

Carrie....Can I give you a personal perspective on this...from a family point of view? Differing parenting styles between my two oldest children caused a major ruckus here at our house this Christmas!!! Our oldest ( and only son) is helping to raise his 30 month old grandson...our next oldest is the mother of our youngest (25 months)grandson. Their parenting ( or grandparenting as the case may be...) could NOT be more different. Our sons' family is an easy going,"casual" loud bunch...lots of "no's" and spanking going on. Our daughter...polar opposite...they are doing the "attachment parenting" style of raising their son. Lots of personal involvement, calm voices, no spanking whatsoever, breastfeeding, etc. There was a major discussion on Christmas night, started by our 14 year old grand daughter who wondered "How can you feed him like that in public aren't you embarrassed?". I won't bother with all of the details, lets just say I ended up heading upstairs to my room to keep from saying something to someone that I would regret later. The next day my daughter reacted very badly to a swat on the butt that our great grandson received from my dil.
My reason for telling you this is to say that this world is a patchwork quilt of all SORTS of parenting styles. Some better than others, but, unless someone is neglecting or abusing their children, I say stay out of it!!! Concentrate on the things you agree on, not the things you disagree on!!! And don't judge other people until you have walked a mile in their shoes!!!
R. Ann

wow...those coworkers really get to you! Every single one of us have different parenting styles. I totally get what you're saying about how absolutely absurd those other moms seem. BUT....please remember that they may also feel the same way about you!

The fact that you're saying comments like "well, we don't do that at our house"....wow! What about flipping it & injecting some humor? as in...."You've got to be kidding me? Are you crazy? Who's the parent?" ....any variation on this theme, delivered with genuine laughter...will get you much further than placing judgment on your coworkers.

I also totally agree with the poster who said to approach life from a learning standpoint. Open yourself up, don't limit yourself....& you'll be much happier. It's easy to fall into a straight & narrow path in life. Look for diversity & the world is much brighter!

& if all of our ideas don't appeal to you, then maybe it's time to find a different job! But, please remember that we all are different breeds....& hopefully always will be! That's what makes us the human race....

Now for my truly honest moment: yes, those other moms are absolutely insane for indulging their children as they are! Laugh about it, & life is much easier....we can only control our own worlds....not everybody elses! Peace!

I don't think you should care so much about what these other women are doing with their kids. They are the ones who will have to deal with the consequences. They might look at you and think that you are too strict. Everyone thinks their way is best. I'm fairly strict with my kids about certain things like having sweets and junk food during the week but on the weekends we do go out to quik trip and have a soda or some candy or we bake cookies and eat the entire plate full. My kids are in bed by 8:00 pm during the week but by 10:00 on weekends. I don't think it's anyone else's place to judge me but my own sister does it all the time and it can be pretty annoying. At the end of the day, you should raise your child the way you see fit and leave them to do the same. As far as saying things back when they tell their stories, I wouldn't even bother or if you do, then say something like "really? my son loves fresh fruit as a snack." Regardless of what you do or don't say, it won't change anything anyway and could cause some tension in the office and you don't need personal matters to mess with you at work. Just do the best you can and that's all you can do.

I would keep my eyes open for stories on how spoiled children turn out and read, read, read them and then in your conversations, you will have an idea on what studies say about children who are spoiled to the core and what happens when they are older.

The obvious answer to this in our society is the "entitled" generation. you know the ones who think they should get what they want no matter the cost.

Also - Maybe somethng you could start with your little one and really talk about it and how it is working and how well your child is adjusted to society by learning responsility at a young age - Look at the Dave Ramsey Jr set for teaching a child, even at the young age of 3!, how to manage money....

Good Luck and no matter - Stick to your guns! The next generation will need adults who learned as kids what it is like to earn things in life and not be catered to at all of their whims!