Ltalian Parenting Style

We are Italian and when i grew up my parents were not lenient. We did sip wine here and there, or beer, but my parents were strict and kept us in line. I dont know how it is in Italy, but as for how i was raised and how i raise my kids, i am strict, but compassionate and loving. Probably more loving than my parents were, though they were very good parents. I think my brothers were spoiled more than me, but thats italian boys.

Okay, here's the thing about the wine: in most situations, from what I understand, the wine is watered down considerably. (Full disclosure: I let my son have a sip of wine or beer or even my martini every so often and on special occasions he has a watered-down wine with us. We drink responsibly and don't see a problem with this.) (ETA: Okay, Veruca, I read your comment-- I think every family has to do what they feel is appropriate.)

I found this article very interesting:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/parenting/what-the-it...

Without going too deep, what I got out of it read very true: American culture has a problem with kids. If you don't have kids, if the kids aren't yours, you don't want those snot-nosed brats near you while you are out for a meal. If you do have kids, you expect the kids' menu and and a lot of catering to your little wunderkind. (Lest anyone misinterpret this, these are generalizations, not an indictment of any individual.). I've seen this with my own eyes-- kids allowed to run around in restaurants instead of being taught to stay at the table while the family and friends are enjoying their meals; the kerfuffle over certain restaurants being 'not for kids' at all.

The other breakdown I take away from the article is simply this: we've lost our 'village' as parents. We rejected it. No one is allowed to talk to our kids in anything other than a positive light. Otherwise our 'mama bear' gets all up in their faces. When I grew up, it was common for there to be myriad "aunties" around and when someone older than you corrected your behavior,you listened. If you didn't, mama would be telling you how rude you were for ignoring Auntie and you'd get a spanking. I'm not condoning the spanking part, but just pointing out that we've lost that true sense of community, where we all look out for each others kids. When we make the kid "everyone's kids", our children grow up with a profound sense of being accountable even when mom and dad aren't around. Once that sense of being a citizen in a world wider than our own family is gone, we can expect behavior to go downhill.

I don't think the French or Italians or any other idyll parenting construct has the monopoly on what is 'good parenting'. I think common sense, raising our kids to be the adults we'd like them to be, making the harder choice discipline according to what will be good for the kids down the road (and not what will stop the fussing *right now*-- and I see so many kids manipulate their parents in way, even three year olds)-- I see these ideas as being key to parenting in a productive way. A way which teaches the child the world is a welcoming and loving place, that they do belong in it, and that their world cares enough not to let them run amok.

When Pamela Druckerman describes her 'aha' moment in Bringing Up Bebe as 'looking around the restaurant and realizing her child was the only one having a tantrum'.... I always think "well, if that's where you started from, of course another culture's parenting will appeal to you". There are, though, some of us who wouldn't have been in that situation in the first place. We are still American moms, we just never let our parenting get that far out to begin with.

I grew up in an Italian household. I started drinking wine with dinner at 8. My father started at 3. The only reason my kids don't drink wine is because of bigots like you who are "shocked" and would cause trouble for us. There is no binge drinking or alcoholism in my family at all, unlike my husband's tea totaling family. It was never a mystery or exciting - just a part of the meal. We got sworn at regularly, took raps to the back of the head, ate garlicky spicy foods, and wouldn't trade it. But this might be the dumbest question I've seen here to date (oops, that's my Sicilian coming out...)

Eta - @nervy girl - our wine was never watered down. And I started sipping beer at 2 on my grandfather's knee. Can't even finish a whole drink as an adult.

Based on the wide variety of responses, opinions and philosophies expressed on this site alone, I don't think you generalize about any one American parenting style. I'm guessing that the same is true of Italians. For every one thing you observed, I'm sure there are thousands of kids raised differently.

I imagine that some Italians, like some Americans, raise brats and others raise well-mannered children. Some are noisy, some are quiet. Some are home schooled, some are public schooled. Some are heavily scheduled, others are encouraged to play more. I think it might be worthwhile to look at educational policies (how much school during the year, how many academic subjects vs. creative subjects like music and art, how much phys ed, how early they start learning a foreign language, how much technology and how many courses in civics and history, etc.) but I'm not sure you can draw any conclusions from a visit (not sure how long it was) to one particular region of another country.

I do think some countries have a very different attitude about wine than we do - Italy and France come to mind. But remember that they are not drinking excessively, not drinking to get the kids drunk, and often watering the wine down. Frankly, I'm glad that child was having a sit-down meal with her parents rather than going through the drive-through and eating in the car like so many American kids!

I don't think being Italian has anything to do with the behavior of the kids, it's more a European thing. I am of Italian decent and grew up here in the states. I was well behaved as a kid because my parents would have never put up with me acting out or talking back (I would have gotten spanked, grounded or both). There was a time when American youth was also well behaved, but it seems that is going out the window with all the morals here in the US.

The kids in other countries are not spoiled like American kids are, they do not live the same lifestyle as us. That includes drinking wine, a child having a glass of wine with dinner is very normal over there and in some of the countries the drinking age is 16.

I see a lot of parents babying their children here in the US or letting them go wild with no discipline. I think kids in Europe learn very early how to behave.

I was under the impression that in most European countries wine at a meal was very common and served to everyone.

The United States is somewhat unique in it's view of alcohol.

I'm not sure Americans have any one style.
I know some strict parents and I know a few very permissive parents.
I've seen a few parents that make me cringe and I wonder 'what the heck were they thinking' when they decided to have kids.

Culturally I think we cater to our kids a lot (the French do not have child menus - the kids eat what ever the adults eat and they end up being a lot less fussy in the food department).

Some parents take kids everywhere - which by itself is not a problem - and then let them run wild - which IS the problem.

I think other cultures do not focus so intensely on the giving of stuff to kids in quite the same way Americans tend to do and I think other cultures expect a higher level of decorum (behavior in keeping with good taste and propriety) from their kids publicly and privately.

Asian parents in general expect their kids to work hard and apply themselves to getting an education.
Not all American parents think this way - quite a few want their kids to 'have fun' in school - which is a 'nice to have' but not really the main point.

If you go back far enough - everyone drank alcohol (wine, beer) - mostly because it was safer than anything else.
Water was hazardous before there were any water treatment plants and juice/dairy got a lot better once pasteurization was invented.

Interesting read on 'Ghetto Parenting Dooms Kids':

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/news/2549427/posts

Notice that cursing around or at a child is listed as an undesirable thing to do.

I wouldn't necessarily call it "Italian parenting", I would call it old world parenting.

When I grew up in the states in the 50s, there were the neighborhood aunties and your real aunties and they would put you in your place. And you also had consequences when you got home. So you learned how not to do dumb things. You learned how to navigate the world and learn your place in the world. Now days it runs amuck and no one wants anyone to discipline their child. A fact of this the other day, I witnessed a young boy about 5 walk out of a store and into the parking lot in the street section and stop traffic. I could have stopped him but he was not my child and I did not know what the mom would say to me. I did tell her he went out the door and she found him and corrected him. If that were the old days, I could have stopped him and brought him back in the store by the hand and handed him over to his mom.

As for drinking, I got drinks of beer and cocktails as a child. I did not come out a drunk or want to have that 21 fever of being able to get a drink now. It was no big deal. I made up drinks and could do and taste them as long as we stayed in the house my aunt even gave us pointers on how to mix them correctly. Now days you would have the police at the door interfering with parenting because of the alcohol.

When we were stationed in Germany, kids drank beer and the hard liquor you had to be 18 before you were served. No one ran around drunk and the American kids did the same thing when living on the economy (the local town). If they got drunk, they slept it off in the town park and went home the next day.

Children now days have to seen and heard rather than not seen and heard as before. Manners have been lost and no one wants to be around kids because of their behavior. Yes, I can understand why an up scale restaurant does not want kids in it with the parents of today and the actions. When you spend over $150 for a meal, you don't want to hear a child crying in the background. Plan on a babysitter and enjoy your company as adults and not as parents for one night.

I will get off my soapbox now as I do have other thoughts but I don't want to be run off the site that I love.

the other S.

we are an Italian household and my son's "nonna" is from the old country.... my son has been raised to express himself and while that might be considered noisy, we consider it saying what's on your mind.. it actually makes for a fun household where people are not afraid to speak up... esp around the holidays when everyone is together... while others sit around the table, mundane and lifeless.... the Italians are laughing and sometimes even singing.. that said... while my husband was allowed a little taste of wine when growing up, my son has not.... I think the Italians allow the kids a taste because unlike here in the states, over in Italy, it's not considered as a big deal .. although, I prefer it not be given to kids because you just never know how they little bodies might react. I definitely think Italian children are taught to mind, my son's grandmother has no problem laying down the law, which culturally is great because kids learn to respect their elders... also.. my son does dress up a bit more than his peers.. he enjoys wearing nice shirts and pressed pants.. I don't know if that is Italian OR if we have just always kept him well groomed and now as a 13 year old, he has continued to do as such.. although, I do appreciate the Italian men and women that I know who take the time to dress up and put on jewelery , it shows they put some effort into their appearance. even the ones who may wear jeans, will throw on a nice shirt and shoes... I have also seen this in the latin culture.. whom by the way, I think are very similar to the Italians..

Statistics show that countries where kids drink wine like this, as a family with meals and on special occasions, they have absolutely low low low rates of alcoholism and problems associated with underage drinking/alcohol related accidents.

It's a drink and not a crutch/drink to help you have a good time/self medicating elixir. It's just something that you get to drink on special occasions.

I do think that Italian parents treat kids differently. Not as free as countries such as Finland where kids aren't even disciplined until they're 12..not quite positive about that age but I think that's when they feel kids are able to be accountable. They don't have juvenile delinquents either. their kids are remarkable well behaved. But they're also not as rigid as American parents tend to be.

I think that it's what is right from family to family.

My sister-in-law and her husband live in Italy (SIL is American, BIL is Italian). What I've noticed with their kids, and the other kids we've seen while visiting, is that young Italian children are not disciplined. Like, at all. You see them in restaurants running around - but since it's not expected (apparently) that they behave, nobody seems to notice, and it's not a big deal. They do get watered-down wine with dinner (in fact, when they've visited here, they've found it shocking that children are served milk or *gasp* even soda at the dinner table). I remember being surprised when we visited when my niece and nephew were toddlers that the kids were not expected to be in car seats. "How can you make them sit still for so long? They need to move around!" my BIL told me. I've heard that now, they have laws about it and kids do have to be in car seats, but that it's not as strictly enforced as it is here.

As my niece and nephew have become older, it's become clear that they have far less responsibility than kids here would have. They don't have jobs (in high school), and it seems that very few of their friends do, either. They don't babysit, mow lawns, walk dogs... they just study and do whatever activities they do after school. Mama does their laundry (no dryers there - everything is hung dry and ironed), cleans the house... the kids aren't expected to help. As a result, they seem younger than many American kids, at least in my opinion. However, their studies are far more advanced. My niece is 16 and is taking her third year of Chemistry and her second year of Physics, as well as Calculus, English, Italian, and so on. High school is much harder there (assuming you get into a good one - and you have to apply to the one you want to go to - the math/science school, the language arts school, performing arts, etc). They go to high school for 5 years and then college for 3, followed by army service for 2 years. I'm guessing that's where they do their growing up. ;)

interesting. i have tended to view the differences in my own upbringing and childhood contrasted with modern parenting as generational, but i think it's also geographically based on the responses here.
we might be more likely to give kids milk, but remember that super-pasteurized fat-free milk is very new. juice was popular for a long time, but now we're culturized to avoid sugars, so water has become the go-to. but water isn't safe everywhere. watered wine and 'small beer' was the family beverage in many countries for a long, long time. i suspect many european families are scandalized by how many kids here drink soda.
i'm 55 now, and grew up in the conservative british culture of bermuda, a weird combo of rigid tradition and relaxed island. little kids ran wild in wolfpacks, noisy and boisterous and not remotely managed to the degree of modern 'playdates' where parents monitor every interaction. but the bar was set high for manners, and interactions with adults from our own parents to friends' parents to teachers to anyone on the street were studies in rehearsed, taught and practiced courtesy.
but we didn't dress like adults. ew!
:) khairete
S.

Growing up near Boston, I had friends who were Italian. Their parents spoke Italian for the most part. One thing I found that friends of these families had in common, was that their parents were very strict and conservative...and their mother's especially, while with good intention, were very loud and yelled a lot!!

R.,

Why are you SHOCKED by this? After living in Europe for almost 7 years, I saw people showing their kids moderation at a young age.

I grew up being able to taste or drink what my parents were drinking. So when all the other kids were freaking out as teenagers wanting alcohol? I shrugged my shoulders and say "oooh okay, I can do that at home"

Italians are expressive.
Americans are even MORE noisy than Italians...and some can be downright rude...I saw many American's demanding places "speak English" ummm dude?? YOU ARE IN THEIR COUNTRY....

Our kids aren't sheltered from alcohol. They get to taste and if they like, drink. It can ONLY be consumed in our home. As I have a 14 year old who is a freshman in high school? I'm not worried about him sneaking off to taste beer or alcohol because he already knows what it tastes like...and really? He doesn't like it...LOL!!

What's wrong with kids dressing like little adults? I'd rather see a kid dressed in a long skirt and shirt instead of Daisy Dukes or saggin' pants...

guess it's a matter of perspective...

I don't know about the Italian parenting style, but I like the French parenting style. I imagine they have similar styles. You can find lots online about French parenting. Look for the book "Bringing Up Bebe" by Pamela Druckerman.