My Husband and I Have Different Styles

I am with you sister! My husband is the same way. I'm starting counseling because of it and I have a 4 yr old monster because of it. For me, I have some relief. I am living at my MIL's since she's so sick. When my son (most of the time) is with me he knows the rules and is starting to get the hint I mean business & Dad isn't going in to rush in & save him. It's an uphill battle when you're husband isn't on the same page as you. Good luck.

Hi Jocelyn
I can relate! In my case, my husband and I separated for about 6 months (beginning when my daughter was about 12 months old) and reconciled last month (now she is almost 19 months).
Even though it was difficult in many ways, oh how I loved that period of time with regard to being the only real voice in the house! I had her on a great schedule of being in bed by 830, asleep around nine, awake around 7am, etc. I was able to create a nice calm situation for her to eat her dinner, no tv, etc.
Now that we're all back together, I am really having a period of adjustment. My husband, who is a little ADHD to put it mildly, wants to hang out and play with her till she basically falls asleep from exhaustion, he can't stand listening to her in the crib if she's whining or whimpering before she falls asleep, etc. He wants to put her in our bed and let her fall asleep there, then transfer her to her own room etc. It is making me somewhat crazy.
In our case, I think a lot of it has to do with different cultures (I'm a third generation American, he came to this country from Yugoslavia when he was a child) as well as the importance of what we saw in our own households. His dad was an alcoholic and left his family when my husband was a teenager, and I think because of that, he is trying to create a huge amount of together-time with our daughter, something he and his dad didnt really have. He wants to be the "good guy" because his dad wasn't.
Also, the bottom line is, men tend to parent differently I think. They don't have the tolerance for a lot of things women have the tolerance for (such as handling having a cold lol) and I think that translates into parenting as well.
I try to just go with it as much as possible - everytime I get aggravated I remember the saying "pick your battles" - and I also remember that when I was younger, my mom was the disciplinarian and my dad was more lax when it came to certain things, and would give me things to shut me up. But if I majorly screwed up, like got in trouble at school, etc, then they both were on me. HOpefully this will be the case as our children grow up.

Jocelyn,

You are absolutely right. This is a big problem you have and you need to solve it somehow. It was happening to me too until recently. I totally disagree with letting it be a "two different parenting styles household". I don't see how that would work.

My daughter is 27 months and she was already manipulating the two parenting styles to her advantage. My husband had been told that ignoring tantrums was the way to go because it is attention-seeking behavior. I don't agree. I think that tantrums are a way that these little creatures use to get us to do whatever they want.

So it was inevitable. My daughter had a tantrum in public. Horror of horrors. It was one of those that could not be ignored.
Well, that is when my husband realized that what he is doing does not work. He also realized that by making me the disciplinarian bad guy he was being the wuss. I had a little "tantrum" with my husband and told him that he better step up or I was never going out in public with the baby again. Period. And I really meant it!
It seems to have worked. He is now sending her to time out just as much as I am. Today, we all went out to brunch and my daughter was just perfect at the restaurant, my husband was beaming at everyone commenting at the lovely, well-behaved child. And I was extra lovey dovey to my husband for good measure. I am not saying that it is yet perfect, but it is much much better. We are also training the nanny to do the same.

So what I would say to you is that you need to fix this problem. What I did with my husband after my firm demand for his help, was whenever she misbehaves when both of us are present, we BOTH take her to her time out spot. That has really helped A LOT! Not only it showed my husband how to do it (he actually did not know) it also showed our daughter that we were BOTH united in disciplining. Whenever we do this together it works even better than either of us separately. She calms down very quickly and apologizes and hugs and kisses ME. I have stopped being the bad guy. Try this and see. It may be a lesson for both your husband AND your child.
Hope this helps.

Hi, Jocelyn,

I agree with Diane. Couples can have different parenting styles (one usually being more lenient than the other) and still make it work. But when disciplining their children they must present a united front so the kids understand that they can't manipulate one or the other or pit their parents against each other. Your husband is not only spoiling your son but also undermining your authority. He still listens to you when your husband isn't around but soon enough he won't because he knows that whatever punishment you dole out will be eliminated as soon as Daddy comes home. It's obvious that your husband needs to stop what he's doing but unfortunately I don't have any ideas on how to get him to do so. You can't change someone; that change has to come from the person who needs to make the change.

Hi Jocelyn,

I just wanted to say that I think you are 100% correct for feeling like you do. It is not uncommon for parents to disagree on how to raise their children, however what your husband is doing is making you out to be the bad guy. Not being united when raising children can be a recipe for disaster. You must explain to him that disciplining your child is also showing your child love. It is sending the message that I care enough about you to make sure you are raised the proper way. Giving your children everything is really setting them up for so much disappointment. Because life is not always fair and we do not always get everything we want in life. In my opinion showing love is done by setting rules and teaching our children right from wrong. It does not have to be done in a mean way discipline can be done in a loving but firm way. I think you have the right idea and by your husband going against you he is disrespecting you. Tell your husband he will be raising a spoiled, unappreciative, teenager who will probably get into god knows what just because he is not used to being told he can't. Was he spoiled as a child himself and feels this is the right way to be? Or was it the other way around and he is trying to give his children everything he didn't have? Either way he needs to deal with whatever is motivating him to be this way and try to stop it. I hope you can get through to him before your son gets older. It appears he already knows he can manipulate daddy at 4 I can't imaging what he will do at 14. Good luck to you and your family.

It's very easy to see that your son is the boss over your husband. Probably your husband hasn't really thought of it that way but the problem will get worse. Conflict isn't pleasant but it's something a parent NEEDS to deal with. I don't have any answers for you but I do hope that your husband will wake up and become aware of this. Have you told him? Does a 3 year old have the maturity to run a household? Not usually!

Hi Jocelyn,
I can feel your frustation and I can so idenify with you. I am sensing that you are feeling like you are fighting with your husband and now your son all the time. Maybe you can try a different approach. Usually men come from a point of "fixing things to make them better" and as my husband says "I need to provide and protect my children for anything that hurts them" which in his mind is to give them everything and do everything for them.Validate that ,show him that you know that he is coming from a place of love then try asking him for some help in being consistent with the children and point out some places where you feel that is lacking. Three years old are about finding what makes people tick they master malipulaters at that age. So he is doing whatever works. I also enlisted my MIL when she came to visit < I asked her to watch and see and then she talked to my husband. It work but it takes checking in with each other and understanding why they do what they do.

Please e mail me if you want to speak privately,
Good Luck
T.

Hi Jocelyn, Many couples have this problem. I did with my ex which is one of many reasons why he is that. You must talk about this and get on the same page. The mixed signals will confuse your child and they will always go for the one who gives what they want. You can't let a child think they will be rewarded for crying or tantrums. No on said it was easy to raise children. Prents need to agree. Does dad realize that spoiling will ruin your child(ren) for later? I wish you the best...Grandma Mary, mom of 5

My husband and I have two different parenting styles and its very difficult at times, however, you husband seems to have NO parenting style when it comes to tantrums, no offense. You can't just give it your childs every demand and thats the main thing I feel you need to work out with your husband. As for the rest, it comes down to compromise and communication and EACH of you taking a step back at times while supporting the other. I don't AT ALL agree with how my husband handles things at times, BUT he has spoken to me about it and said that he feels as if I act like I am the only parent and that he too is the parent and that makes him mad. Hmm, understandable. So what we TRY to do is allow each other to handle a situation while we back each other up, but circumstances are different so sometimes if one persons way is not working, then TOGETHER we try another way. At least if we are a united front, even if we are "changing" our minds, we are doing it together and our son isn't going to one or the other...although I am definitley more the affectionate one and my son comes running for "uppy" when is upset,but when he is WRONG and its a conflict between him and my husband I refrain from picking him up right away until I have verbally backed up my husband and took his side. Its hard to agree and get on the same page but it has to be done and if you can't always agree then you have compromise and still work together. My husbands other problem with me is that I would disagree with him and argue with him in front of my son and while it is hard I had to accept that and agree with him so now I try to NO MATTER what, stand strong together in front of our son and then if necessary once the situation has quelled, talk calmy without my husband alone to discuss my feelings. so hard! LOL!

Your husband is what's called a "doormat" parent. Good for you for sticking to your style. A child needs love and
discipline!

If your husband isn't willing to change, then perhaps you can adapt to him when he is home and follow his lead. My husband and I have different styles and I just step back and let him do the parenting when he is home. I find it to be less frustrating than being at odds with him and the kids. I find they adjust better to two different dynamics (how it is w/ just mommy and how it is when daddy is home) than they do to a house of tension and resentment.

If your husband chooses to let your child boss him around, so be it; that is his choice and even though you may understand it is a poor one, you can't change him. If you try to change him after he's already rejected your point of view, you are effectively bossing/manipulating your husband, which provides your child an example of exactly what you DON'T want him to do- try to get people to do what *he* thinks they ought to or what he wants them to do.

Later Note: Haha- just read the advice of a later poster who said "I think that tantrums are a way that these little creatures use to get us to do whatever they want", then admitted to having a tanrum of her own to convince her husband to discipline the way she believes is right...

I realize that my suggestion won't work for everyone- first of all, I am a SAHM with a husband who travels often- so the amount of time they experience hubby's parenting is minimal. Way different if you both work full time and are always co-parenting. Also, it would depend on how open your partner is to learning new styles. If your partner is completely closed to changing (at least for the present- we must never give up on people!), what choice do you have? Minipulate, whine, nag, control... or allow them to make what you consider mistakes in the hopes they will see the error of their ways?

Have to add that tantrums *can* be a way to minipulate, but it is pretty much NEVER useful to view them as a minipulative tactic. This puts you at odds with your child, and it reduces your ability to gain their cooperation so you can teach them how to properly express their emotions. Attributing positive intent (rather than "you are trying to minipulating me", think "you are terribly frustrated that things aren't going your way and you don't know how to express your frustration in an acceptable way") sets you on the path to teach them rather to PUNISH them. Science has proven that during times of stress (like when we are threatened with punitive action) our learning capacity is diminished, not enhanced.. so if you want your kids to learn to express negative emotions in acceptable ways (an important skill!) its best to approach them as an ally, not an antagonist!

Get counceling now... I'm married 20 years.. and we fight more and more over who treats the kids how... I'm the bad one because I dicipline.. my kids are 10 and 13.. and are overall good.. but my husband and I are losing communications because all we do is argue.. i ask for his help talking to the kids about something.. and he refuses.. he says you know everything.. or something like that.. get help now.. good luck...