Why Does Every Statement Have to Be Followed up with a Threat for My Almost 6 YO

Instead of a threat/warning, just follow through. You're giving her a second change to disobey by saying No twice.

If you say No once and she reaches for the iPad, then immediately take it away for the week. No threat, no warning. Just action.

"How many times do you need to hear 'No' before you believe it?'.
We went through that for awhile.
If you say 'no' and she ignores you - then take it for a week and tell her that maybe next time she'll remember that 'no' means 'no'.
You might have to do this a few times before she believes you but remember - she made a choice and now she will suffer the consequences of that choice.
Suffering the consequence is the only way some kids will learn to make alternate choices.

You're giving her too many chances. My kids used to do this too, but following through and them knowing no means no has helped a lot. If they ask to play with their iPads, I will often ask if everything they have to do is done (homework, chores, etc). If there is another reason they can't use it, I explain to them the reason, and then it makes it easier for them to accept the "no". My husband doesn't think an answer of "no" needs an explanation, and I agree to a point...but if it helps them understand instead of being frustrated, it makes my life easier.

So I think it is partly the age, but partly because the threats are made and most likely not followed through...a week is a long time to lose something for not listening in my opinion. So set realistic punishments for you to follow through with, and then follow through. Then it won't be a threat anymore. When you say no, it will be no or she loses it.

I tend not to give the threat. I just take the iPad away.

For instance:
Child: Can I play with my iPad.
Me: No, not right now.
Child: (reaches for iPad anyway)
Me: (takes iPad away) Now, you have lost your iPad until tomorrow, because you didn't listen.

End of story.

You really only have to do it once or twice. By now, she already knows what the punishment is going to be. So rather than chasing her around, trying to keep her from being punished/saving her from her choices, just let her experience the punishment. It's hard to make good choices when you haven't really experienced the consequence of a bad choice.

Try changing your approach. Instead of saying NO all the time say, sure you can play with your ipad after you do x y z...
Can Sally come over? Sally can come over tomorrow, today we are cleaning the garage.
Can I have a cookie? Yes, you can have a cookie after dinner, right now you can have some fruit.
Does that make sense?
Saying no all the time gets repetitive and increases the arguing IMO. Try setting a different tone.

I never threat, I make promises.

I give definitive instructions.
I tried to always give a heads up too.
Our daughter liked to know what the plan was and she liked feeling like she had some control.

"In 10 minutes, I need you to wrap up your book, so you can start getting ready for bath. "
Most of the time, within a few minutes she would start getting ready, If not, I would wait about 5 minutes and say, "You have 5 more minutes!"

BUT she knew if I said "Nope, Sorry, it is already really late, I need you to take your shower now.." She would get in the bath..

We honestly never had a problem with this, because if she really wanted a few more minutes she would ask, "May I have just 3 more minutes to just finish this really good chapter?" Or what ever times she thought she would need.

And I would usually say yes, BECAUSE, I had planned for this. So most of the time, she felt like she got her way, but in reality, I was still in control and still had her on my schedule..

Consider telling and then asking her "No, you may not play or touch the ipad. If you do, what will happen?"

Then let her answer you. This way you know she heard you and she knows what the consequence is. A week without the ipad.

Eventually she will drop this, because all you will have to do is say, "No you may not."

Children test parents. They like knowing the rules and expectations.
It is comforting to them. Some children do this for attention. So keep in mind, she may actually be wanting to do something with you or to help you with whatever you are doing.

If I was doing the laundry, I could sometimes, dump the clean clothes on her head and joke, "Oops, Look at the mess you made" "I will be happy to sit next to you and help you fold the mess you just made." hee, hee

Or I would say, "nope, you may not go outside, but I do hope you can please help me peel these cucumbers."

Or I would let her do something she thought was fun.. "No you may not watch a video, but would you like to choose a fancy table cloth tonight? You can set the table any way you want! "

"Please help me sort the dirty clothes, but you are only allowed to use clothes pins.. no hands or fingers.. " Mind you, if she did not want to do any of this, that was fine, but she would still not be allowed to continue doing whatever it was she was wanting to do..

And when she does comply without a fight, whining or testing you, tell her. "Thank you! I really appreciate your help."
Or "Thank you for not complaining, it makes me happy. " or "I like the the choice you made, thank you for your help."

Why, after you tell her no, and she reaches for it, do you follow with a repeat of your original response and a threat? She is now accustomed to that pattern. Change it up.

Next time, blurt out an astonished "ExcUUUSe me?!" and stare at her. She is missing the part where you are an authority figure and that what you SAY matters... even without a threat on the end.

Or, next time, instead of repeating and giving a threat, just skip straight to whatever the threat would have been. In other words, instead of her reaching for it and you saying, "I said no. If you touch it, you lose it for a week." just pick it up and put it away (into time out or whatever/wherever you would put it to keep it off limits) and say, "Since you didn't listen, it is NOW off limits for a week."
Pretty quickly, she'll learn that the rules have changed. Instead of getting a "free" chance to try for it before a threat ensues, if she doesn't listen the FIRST time, it's too late.

Don't be afraid to try it. It seems harsh at first, but it works. And the beauty is you'll only have to do it a few times and it will stop being an issue.

Well, yes and no. Six-year-olds are getting smarter every day. They try things.

Your child is trying out not doing what you ask unless and until you threaten. And why not? You can get away with more things, and it's kind of fun to ignore your mama (who you know loves you anyway). You also get a feeling of power when you can *make* Mama threaten something instead of obeying her!

Why not change the rules of the power game she's playing? Why not make the consequence dependent on ignoring the "no," rather than the action of touching or doing what you've said "no" about? That eliminates her major tactical move.

You'll have to figure out in advance what the consequence can be, because you'll have to use it quickly. It needs to be something that will be an irritation, so that after a few times she'll think, "This isn't fun any more." It might have to do with the thing she's using in her power game.

"May I play with my iPad?" "No, Vicky." Vicky touches the iPad to see what you will say. "The rules of the game are changed, Vicki. When you ignore my NO, you've lost. Your iPad is gone for the rest of the day."

"Can I go next door to Billy's house to play?" "No, not now." Vicky edges to the door. "And I'll let Billy's mama know you won't be playing with him this week. Go to your room until I call you to set the table for dinner." Short and sweet.

She might choose to change the game again: instead of starting to do what you have forbidden, she may counter with, "WHY?" She hasn't read the experts who say you must always explain rather than command. It's just a delaying tactic - one that can lead to discussions instead of consequences.

Look out for that. When you're teaching her to listen to you, the listening/obeying comes FIRST. The discussion can come later, when it can't be used as a tactic.

If your girl is as smart as I bet she is, she'll learn quickly - as long as you are consistent.

I almost forgot to say that, along with all this, you look for the positive. Look for the good things your daughter does or says, and mention them (briefly) out loud, both to her and to her daddy. When she's noticed for her good stuff, she'll start to do more good stuff.

Don't make the threat -- simply take it away for a week when she reaches for it. She is goading you into constantly making this threat -- so just stop making the threats. If she reaches for it -- take it away without a word.

You will solve your problem very quickly.

Just what Hell on Heels said.

I really liked everything Laurie suggested.

This, what SH wrote:
"I work at a school. I see this all the time. Even in the classrooms of the most seasoned teachers who have been teaching, for years.
But, the ones that do have a grasp of their students... from day ONE... state the rules and the consequences, and they do it. Not wavering.
And they do not, ply the kids with flowery pussy footing, around.
They state things, clearly and bluntly, and then, do it. "

That's it right there. I'd actually put any tempting items up and away so she can't 'just grab' unless she has express permission from you. When my son has a special book that I really think he is going to want to sneak, I just tell him "I'm taking this to my room, because I don't want you to be tempted." I say this kindly, understanding that items within access ARE tempting to little people.

When it is calm, sit down with your smart girl and review the rules. Write them somewhere. You can make a chart for 'asking' items (candy, iPad, cds, dvds, makeup... anything you want her to ask you first for) and tell her( and write it down) "if you didn't ask, you will not be able to use it for X days".

This isn't uncommon for kids to press limits like this. This morning my son was given 10 minutes to make his bed and get dressed and come out for breakfast. This did not happen and he was playing with Legos instead. I basically grabbed his clothes, took him out of his room and had him get dressed in the hallway (no one was there, so he had privacy). He was NOT allowed to go back into his room and the Legos have been removed for a few days. I also realized that MY part in this is to create a plan so that Legos don't come out until the afternoon, after homework and chores are done. Logical progression of the day.

Here's the thing, though-- he knows this will happen, because it has happened before. When you ignore people in order to keep doing what you like, what you like goes away. I didn't ask him why, just said "I see that you really can't have Legos around when you have other jobs to do because you are ignoring us." and when he gets them back, he is reminded "you need to remember-- you may only have these in your room if we have good listening and paying attention. If you ignore us again, they go away." Make good on your promises and try to stay as emotionally neutral, matter of fact as possible. That way, the message is "wow, look what you did to yourself-- you messed up and what a bummer that this has to go away" vs. "I'm pissed off that you are ignoring me (again!) and so I'm going to punish you." The less personal you can make it, the better.

Lastly, Laurie's suggestion of "what will happen if you do X:" asking that question before they do it... makes them stop and think. Good luck!

You've trained her exceedingly well. It goes like this. She asks a question. You say no. She ignores you. You threaten. She agrees. The pattern works perfectly every time.

So you've got to come up with a new pattern. You control the iPad. A 6 year old should not be able to simply "reach" for an iPad. A 6 year old should politely ask something like "mom, my homework is done, or my room is clean, or I did my chores, so may I play on the iPad for 30 minutes?" You lock it with a password. You tell her she may have some electronics time after this happens and this happens (homework is done, room is tidy, whatever). Can you imagine a football coach waiting for his team to ask if they can take a break, then he says no, then they argue, then he threatens, then they reluctantly go back to practice? No. A coach says "we're going to do this and this and then you can hit the showers". A teacher says "this is the lesson plan for today, and when you have completed it you can choose a favorite activity".

So you decide what your boundaries are for her, establish them, and clearly state them. Then if she doesn't comply, follow through with your previously clearly defined punishment. "You didn't do your homework, or you didn't clear the table which is your regular evening chore, so your iPad is not available until tomorrow." No discussion. No threats. Clear rules, clear expectations, clear and simple consequences. Break the pattern now.

She is testing you.
When I was a kid, I didn't dare talk like that or I got the paddle.
So did all the kids I knew.
Plus, kids have access to too much fun on technology today.
I was outside playing all the time. Kids have to be inside more and are w/ parents more (I find).
I do not think you are the only one who goes through this.
A lot has to do w/ a child's temperament. I have one child just like yours. I have had to stick to my rules. Otherwise, she would have walked all over me by now.
Look at her, tell her the rule and do not yell. Keep a firm, yet loving voice.
Parenting is not easy. Sit her down and tell her when she can use it, so it is clear. Many Moms I know let the kids use tech on weekends only. The kids do not ask during the week unless it is a school vacation.

I agree w/ chores. Have her set the table while u r cooking.

Set the timer for 10 minutes when dinner is 10 minutes away from being done.

If you say u r going to take away the I-Pad or she can't have it...Then, carry through.

stop with the threat. when she does something that you have instructed her not to do remover her from the situation and place her in time out. it will be a power struggle but she will fall in line.

They don't take 'threats' seriously.
Then, they also do not have the internal sense of just doing things out of respect or "for" Mommy etc.
Then, the kiddo also does not think any "punishment" is permanent. Because, in the end, they do get back what they wanted in the first place (and they know it), and they take for granted.
And it is then, not taken seriously, again. Vicious cycle.

Also, some kids just get desensitized, to any punishments etc.
And they don't learn, to just respect what is said to them, by the parent. Or only by a certain, parent.
ie: some kids will only listen to one parent or the other.
But also in school, some kids just will NOT listen, to anybody. Be it a school Teacher or Staff, etc.
And they know it... that they are not "behaving.' But they still do it, anyway.
I work at a school. I see this all the time. Even in the classrooms of the most seasoned teachers who have been teaching, for years.
But, the ones that do have a grasp of their students... from day ONE... state the rules and the consequences, and they do it. Not wavering.
And they do not, ply the kids with flowery pussy footing, around.
They state things, clearly and bluntly, and then, do it.
Per the classroom, rules.

I dunno, it is not easy.
But at this age and older, a kid has to learn, how to self-correct.
They know, right and wrong, mean and nice, by this age.
They, know.

I asked one kid at school where I work, WHY the heck does he, CONSTANTLY cause trouble, EVERY day? (and yes, he does literally cause trouble, EVERY DARN DAY... to the other kids. And he KNOWS, it) And he just does not know. He has no answer, to that. He just shrugged his shoulders and said "I don't know..." And yes, he gets notes sent home everyday, from the Teacher, and gets disciplined in school, and gets sent to the Principal and on and on. And he STILL, acts like a brat... every day. But he never takes it, seriously.
Who knows what the parents do with him, at home. Or from the day he was born. But this is how he is, and ever since he was in Kindergarten. I've seen it.
And he is not the only, one.

Anyway, do whatever you think will work with your kid.
That will work and bring a sense of consciousness, to her.
At some point, the behavior of a kid, needs to come from an internal sense of control...and respect to their parent.

When I was a kid, things were different and more old school.
Who knows if that was better or worse.
And inevitably, a kid needs to learn, character, not just about things.
And how to earn it.

Give your kid, CHORES... and a sense of WORKING toward something.
And GAINING self-respect and your respect, that way.
Kids need to learn, how to WORK for things... both externally and internally.
But you don't have to 'reward' the kid with "things" as rewards. Let her gain a sense of what hard work feels like... internally. And how that is a 'reward' in itself.

Have you tried pairing this with the complementary approach of rewarding good behavior when it happens? It might be rare at first, but once she realizes she gets noticed for listening, I bet it will happen more.

For example, she wants to play with the iPad. You say no. If she listens and looks for something else to do - you say "Thank you for being a good listener." Even better if you have time to follow up the praise with a 'reward' such as "can I play a board game with you instead?"

I would try, "The answer is no" and then simply take it away, without the "for a week part". Let her wonder how long she will be without it. I think it's an age thing. My 5.5 yr old snuck some marshmallows during a school project. I said, "Seriously, I see you." I told her that sneaking was like lying and asked her if she should lie. She said no. I said, then don't sneak. She should always ask. Or she will lose more than she took.

You have to make the threat because that's what you've gotten her used to. Just like that 1,2,3 Magic - you will have to count to three EVERY TIME. I don't have the patience for that!

I suggest that you tell her "no" and when she grabs it anyway, you implement a consequence. No more warnings. She will come to learn that you mean what you say THE FIRST TIME without having to threaten. And there will be no more threats - you say no, she starts to anyway, consequence. No threats.

Hi, Mama:

Sounds like you have indulged your child. 6 year old having an ipad?

Have you thought about attending a co-dependency support group meeting in your area. www.coda.org

Good luck.
D.

You only have to follow it with a threat if you wish. She knows the rules, right? So just follow through with the consequence. She'll catch on.

I think it is a phase. She's growing up a little and spreading those little child wings into full blown kid season. She probably thinks she is big stuff. I know my six year old thinks he is sooooo grown up now! Reading is taking off, he can walk beside me or his dad in a parking lot without holding a hand, just stay close. He goes to church with all the big kids. Math skills are exploding. So much going on with a six year old, she is heading for a transition and she just has to be reminded that while she is growing, she ain't there yet!! I use the redirect a lot now, for example ' can I play with the iPad?' 'Nope not now, but you can bring it here to me please and then can you pick up the game pieces on the table?' Or whatever is appropriate. I also talk to my 6 yr old a lot. ' hey lately when I tell you to do something or if you ask me something and get a No, you aren't listening and you are trying to do the thing I tell you not to. From now on, when that happens I will....' Then if it happens, immediately you can say 'oops, time to get on your bed and sit quietly for 10 min, remember what we talked about. Ok, see you in 10' well that's what I do bc my son loves to be all in the mix, so removing him is torture. But kids do need tons of reminding and patience. Staying calm myself is the most important thing so I can think clearly and teach my child without screaming. I also love Laurie A's advice. Good luck!

Did you get the book yet? 1,2,3 magic. You don't make threats you don't negotiate and you don't argue. You say
You may not have the iPad. When she reaches you say 1, when she reaches again you say 2 when she reaches again you take it. Period. When she screams and yells you say if stop yelling. Then you do the 1,2,3 and put her in her room physically if necessary. It works but you have to have clear and short rules and consequences and the biggie is STICK TO THEM. You can't waffle and sometimes allow and sometimes not. You give her mixed signals if you sometimes give in and then other times wigg out. Get the book.

Mamzita is exactly right. Change the way you're responding to her questions and she will change the way she reacts.

Try NOT making the threat. You'll have to stick with it for a while to see the results. If she wants the iPad, say no, as you do now. But her pattern is to figure you don't really mean it so she can go ahead and reach for it, and then she'll get a threat which tells her how serious you are.

Sometimes it helps if kids have a schedule of when they can use things or if they understand WHY you are saying no (is it not hers to use, is it too close to dinner, did you already ask her to do something else?). That doesn't mean you have to have everything on a schedule if it doesn't work for you. But if you have limits on "screen time" then it may help to have a plan she can work with.

Other kids just want to know "why not?" So that means they expect a "reason" why they can't play with the iPad - sometimes the parent has a reason the kid can understand, but often a parent has too much going on to explain all the time.

So you may want to get back to the place where "what Mommy says, goes." That means if you say no iPad, it's no iPad. Take it away, hide it, put it under lock and key, whatever you have to do. What else works for you in other areas? For example, what do you do to make her put on her seatbelt or sit in her booster seat? Somehow, she knows that the car just isn't moving until she's buckled up. You don't negotiate on tooth brushing either, or bedtimes. Once your daughter knows that you aren't negotiating on these other areas (iPad and whatever else is ticking you off), the fighting will go away. I think the trick with some kids (and maybe your daughter is one of them) is not to attend the fight she's invited you to!

It might be more effective to level the punishment without the threat. Tell her up front that you aren't going to be doing this anymore, that she needs to listen to you regardless of whether she has time to evaluate whether there's a credible threat behind it! Sometimes "you lose it for a week" doesn't really work on kids - a week is a long time for some to foresee. Sometimes they are reacting more to the tone of your voice, which says "I mean business" more than the original "no" conveyed.

If your daughter learns that you mean it the first time, it will be easier for you. She DOES need to learn to listen - to parents, to teachers, to the firefighters during the fire drill at school (not to mention the actual fire!), and that doesn't mean every adult has time to explain, negotiate or justify every decision or demand. She will fare very poorly in school (and in life) if she can't follow directions without a threat - and you can tell her that.

Sometimes a parent can use a code word to convey to the child that "this is not negotiable or up for discussion right now." That doesn't mean you won't discuss something later, but "put on your seatbelt" and "don't go in the busy street" and "stay close to me in the store" are not things that you can pursue over and over - the consequences are too great.

She won't get this right away, but if you can endure a few weeks of frustration at most, she will learn there's a new way of doing things in your home. You can also isolate her from you - put her in her room and not listen to any whining, complaining, defiant remarks or anything else. She will learn there is no payoff for arguing or defying you, and in fact there are more immediate consequences than losing something for a week. Losing your attention RIGHT NOW can be a more powerful motivator than waiting for the deferred punishment.

Good luck - I know it's frustrating.

The same reason my 10 year old has to have a threat attached. I think she knows that in the end, I'm too nice. One day I'll toughen up...

My kids (10, 7, and 5) are the EXACT same way! Unfortunately, they are testing us to see how serious we are. I also hate using threats all the time, but that is always what ends up happening. I always tell them, "You need to do what I say the first time." Unfortunately that did not help. Maybe that statement will work for your 6 y/o?! Good luck.

Yes, normal! I have one 7yo and one 6yo and it does relate to how consistent you're being actually. Mine will go through long phases where they are good and listen, and then they'll start slipping and ignoring, and eventually defying, and then I'll put them in "boot camp" where I warn them that since the listening is slipping, I will be enforcing MAXIMUM (seems excessive but I don't like to spend a lot of time on discipline) consequences after ONE warning. And that INCLUDES even if they complied after the threat, because they still didn't comply the first time.

It's hard work for me to diligently follow up with two kids that age (and my 4 year old sometimes slips too so three kids may be in boot camp all at once which keeps me on my toes) but after some consistency, sometimes for a couple of requests, sometimes for up to three days, we're back on track. They do know how to act because they had a good discipline foundation, but it's an ongoing dance with all kids. No kids stay acting well forever no matter how good their early foundation was.

You're going to have to up the anti and let her know it doesn't count when she listens AFTER the threat. Right now she's getting away with making you threaten her. So even though she "didn't reach for the item" AFTER the threat you'll still need to enforce consequences because she reached for it. Maybe not a week without it, but find ONE thing you can do for ALL offenses to keep discipline quick and concise for boot camp. It's Normal! And she will get back on track when she realizes she doesn't keep getting to defy everything you say.

A couple of weeks ago my 6yo was getting in the habit of slumping his shoulders and saying "OHH WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO...." after every request. Of course telling him again and again to stop reacting that way was getting nowhere so I warned him, "The next time you answer that way you'll have a consequence. You need to be respectful and comply pleasantly or say Yes Ma'am if you need to answer first". It had become a habit (my fault) so of course a few minutes later I asked him to take some Legos to his room and he said, "OH WHY DO I..." So I calmly disciplined him and reminded him that's what would happen every time....and he stopped doing it because he knew I wouldn't back down. He's back to doing things or saying Yes ma'am.

When we're NOT in boot camp I'm more lax and may give several warnings and do the little debates from time to time, but things always start escalating and sometimes I wish I was one of those super strict parents who never let things slide.

Also, when we're in boot camp phases, I try to do some extra fun stuff and focus on my kids in a more positive way to balance out the increased discipline. That way it refreshes their memory faster on what a smooth, fun, respectful household feels like vs. one where i have to beg for every little piece of cooperation.

So... what DOES happen with the iPad? Do you really take it away for a week? If you don't, that's part of the problem. She won't take you seriously if you threaten things you don't follow through with...

For other things that aren't so concrete, what is her punishment? What's her favorite thing? What's her "currency"? THAT's what you take away from her for less concrete things.

How often do you say no? If it's all the time, re-think that. Let's use the i-Pad as an example: Is she supposed to finish her homework first? Pick up her room? Take her bath? Instead of a blanket "no", just say "Tell me what your chores are before we talk about the i-Pad." If she won't, then you have some work to do. You need to put together a job list - something that perhaps can go on the wall or refrigerator door. Try to make it colorful. Include the amount of time she may have on the i-Pad (or TV, or whatever her currency is).

Rather than the threatening, think in terms of telling her what her responsibilities are, and then rewarding her for meeting her responsibilities.

By the way, put up the i-Pad. While you two are working this out, don't have it there for her to tempt you to fall into the same old cycle.