Why Wait to Leave a Failing Marriage?

The willingness to flee the responsibilities of marriage...

THAT is why 50% of marriages end in divorce.

I think the question here should be why the husband gave up, not why the wife didn't want to.

Once I found out he was getting laid on the side, it would have been goodbye time for me. That's one of my no-apologies-accepted, no-second-chances-offered deal-breakers.

I should have left after 3 years.
I wanted to leave after 7 years.
I couldn't leave until 11 years.

First round I stayed out of hope
Second round I stayed out of fear
I divorced him (at 11 years) when he fractured my skull.

And now he has 50-50 custody
(What I was afraid of)
And now he hurts our son and I can't stop him
And the courts won't stop him

So I'm free
My son is trapped

My ex is a wealthy, successful, semi-famous, highly educated white guy
He's untouchable.
He can do whatever he wants
And he knows it

Everyone's marriage is different. She stayed for her own reasons, it sounds like she loves him even though he runs around on her. My husband stayed with his ex for awhile, even after he found her in bed with someone else. Part of his was insecurity, he didn't think anyone else would love him.

My grandparents stayed married until my aunt turned 18 and moved out, then got divorced even though grandpa was running around on her for years, because they wanted a stable house for their daughter. (for the record, ladies, the kids know you're not happy!)

Everyone has their reasons, try not to judge your friend, but be there for her.

you realize what a huge life change this will be for your friend. letting him sleelp in another room is a much smaller step than moving out.

the answer is she isn't that unhappy with how things are now. the unknown is scarier.

after all resources were used up. Marriage is work. And when it gets tough you have to get tougher. But both have to work. Something really bad would have to happen before I'd give up completely.

I chose to stay when everyone thought I should leave. We went into counseling, and although it took a lot of hard work we found our way back to each other, and are happier today then we were when we first go married. But, we were both committed to making it work, if one person is not into it then it will fail every time. I would walk away when it became clear he was no longer trying.

I think it's more complicated than just 'staying together for appearances.' There are many reasons to stay together, and not all of them are for love, but I don't necessarily think that makes it wrong either. While my own marriage is going good (although only 4 years into it) I think even if I were unhappy it would take ALOT for me to break up my family. Coming from a broken family I know that divorce isn't the end of the world...but also know that life is a lot less complicated if you can work through the tough times. (Although cheating IMO isn't a tough time, it's a deal breaker)
That's why it's so important to pick a partner you can actually see yourself living with for a LONG LONG time. Most divorced people I know I could probably have pinned before they were married....why they go through with it I'll never know...too bad you can't tell people that though lol.

I'm not sure we stay to "keep up appearances" ever. It's more about the moral issue of our vows OR the financial repercussions--and or both of those. Appearances would just be stupid. Who does THAT these days?
Holding out because you can't afford to be on your own or havent figured out how to get a job and be on your own is the reason that most women put up with BULLs hit.
There are WAY TOO many programs to help moms whose husband has gone astray if she goes and asks for the help at social services.

I can speak from experience and can only share what's on my head that might help understanding your friend. I knew I wanted to divorce my husband one year ago this past October. I have never said anything to him. I know I will but right this minute today I am in school switching careers to be able to provide for my kids, I am also embarrassed (nobody in my kids classrooms are divorced, they seem happy couples and it breaks my heart every time I think my kid will feel excluded and different if she is from a single parent home), so many thoughts. I'm afraid of the financial aspect and afraid of his reaction too.
I used to say 'oh when you are married you just work it out" now that it is me in the shoes of verge of a divorce I can see a different side on the situation. Like another person in the thread here said 'the unknown is probably scarier than the current situation" good luck to your friend.
Try to support her even by just being there, sometimes while we are going through these kind of situations all we need is to know we have a friend. many friends depart when divorce/ death/ illness comes around.

Each person has to come to their conclusions in their own time. I wouldn't stay together for appearances but I don't care what others think.

I wouldn't stay together if I was miserable for the kids either because it is better for them to see their parents happy but apart than miserable and together. I think that gives a false sense of what marriage should be. My parents were split before I was born but my dad remarried by the time I was 1. He and my stepmom were happy for a lot of years. I lived with my aunt and uncle and they fought (still fight) all the time. It's not a happy way to grow up.

That said, I do think you owe it to the kids to give it your best and then some. Try one more time after you otherwise think you're done. Know that you did all you could for them. Sometimes you can work it out and sometimes you can't. It was during that time with my first husband (when I was trying again at this point for our son) when I saw how it was upsetting him because I was always upset. That is when I knew it had to end.

Your friend will come to her own realization...sometimes it takes longer than others.

I would bet that since your friend's husband told her he wanted a divorce two years ago, she's been trying to save the marriage even in spite of his philandering. He probably even gave her occasional hints of hope; kindness, sleeping with her, polite conversation, and even periods of not talking about divorce not to mention not physically moving out of the house. As long as he was still living in the house, she felt they still had a fighting chance when the reality was he couldn't afford it or he wasn't quite motivated enough.

She's not the one who should be feeling shame or foolish. She tried and she hoped. She wanted her marriage to work. Her husband gave up and then even though he "left" he never left.

My husband and I came very close to separating but we did work it out. As long as there's love there and both people are committed to try to work it out, it can usually be done. Marriage counseling was a huge help. We still have rough patches, but nothing like before.

Maybe she is afraid or doesn't have a 'backup plan.' I think a lot of people get married and really commit to a forever plan... and don't have themselves mentally or financially prepared for a marriage fallout. :( i think a most people will hang on till they are convinced they'll 'be ok.' I'm glad you seem like a supportive person who can help dialogue with your friend to help her make a plan. :) good luck

Maybe she still loves him.

you never know what you would do until you are in the situation. We can only guess.

When you get married you think it is forever. You plan your entire life thinking this other person is in the equation.

Walking away from a life plan is very difficult. For some almost impossible.

Love is hard to find, hard to feed and hard to let go. I could never just let it die but I couldn't stay with someone who was unfaithful. But I am not going to judge her choices and she doesn't need you to either. I know you hate to see her hurt when you think it could have been prevented but it's not her fault or her failure. Keep the blame where it belongs, squarely on his shoulders.

I think maybe she stayed because she wasn't ready and needed to know she'd done everything. Sometimes the worst is the "what if", the worry in the back of your head that you didn't do everything you could have, didn't give him a chance to change, etc., the woulda shoulda, coulda. Maybe now she will know that there really is nothing she could have done to change it and she can move on without that guilt in the back of her head.

There are a million reasons to try to stay together. (I'm all for divorce too, but there are so many types of people and situations). You say she just waited around as if she did NOTHING to work on the relationship. Which sounds silly, of course it would end in that case, especially if he's seeing other people. "Waiting" an "hoping" are not proactive measures, and pretty much NEVER work.

But lots of people do try. They may still love the person. They may feel a religious obligation, they may think the kids should have their original two parents, they may not want to be single. the list goes on and on and on.

Don't be hard on your friend for not kicking him to the curb and moving on two years ago. All people, are not created equally. She wasn't ready. She'll be better off in the long run.

The only one at fault for taking so long I see in your post is him since he had no intention of trying.

now i am a man and my opinion is -
Its time to move on - once he starts sleeping around and on top of it u still wanted to work it out and he throws the papers on the table well what more do u want ! i am sorry to say its time - u seem like u have a lot of heart and give it time dont rush but u will b happy again