WhyHow Do I Help My Daughter Through This...

If this kiddo is like family then why aren't you talking to her mom about consequences for treating a friend this way. That girls mom needs to be part of this too.

How old is she? This happened to my daughter in 9th grade, with her core group of very close girlfriends. For a few weeks, she would come home crying. She had a very sad few months, but eventually she made new friends and adjusted.

I basically just hugged her and listened and sympathized and told her that this type of thing was unfortunately common for girls her age, and that it had nothing to do with her.

By 11th grade, the old friends came back into her life, but by that time my daughter had branched out socially, which was healthy anyway.

Your daughter will make it through this.

Laurie A. put it quite well.

Personally, I would just be there to listen. My daughter tends to pull away if i give too much advise on a certain subject, but will talk forever about anything if I just listen and be supportive. Maybe make spending extra one on one time with her a priority until she gets in a better place? Even if you don't spend the time talking about the friend issue, just being with her and doing something positive might help. My only other suggestion would be an outside of school activity. Dance, cheer, sports, art classes, church groups, volunteering, anything that lets her interact with people she doesn't normally see at school. It's terrible what your daughter, and you as her mom, are going through. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

This is the time to remind her that there are other potential friends out there and to also explain, not everyone is best friend material, but they are still fun to hang out with.

This is not about her or anything she did, this was about these other girls going in a different direction.

This happens over and over as girls mature at different rates, as interests change and develop.

Just be there to listen, you do not have to give to much advise, just listen to her.. See if she is interested in inviting some new girls to do things on the weekends. Maybe a quiet girl or a girl that is just friendly. Invite the girl to go to an event, movie or something with you all.

Our daughter was always flattered when a classmate invited her out of the blue to go with their family to a carnival, movie, skating, bowling, a play..etc.. And of course to go to their home and hang out. She was open to this.

You sound like such a sweet mom, and it's so hard to watch our girls deal with this. We are actually going through the same thing right now with my 13 year old. She had two other girls, and they were like the 3 musketeers forever. Well, these two others are very concerned with being popular, and have ditched my kiddo in this pursuit. It has broken her heart. My instinct is to explain so much to her, but what is really helpful is to just listen. When she talks about how things suck, I listen and tell her I'm sorry they suck. I let her know that of course she's sad- it's bad what happened. But I also make sure to tell her that it won't suck forever, not even for too much longer. So while you are listening and saying you're sorry she's sad, make sure to make other plans. Find out who else she likes and arrange for them to spend time together. Encourage other friendships actively.

With my daughter, one of the other girls knows exactly what she is doing and is well aware that she's the one trying to leave my daughter out. The other one is kind of a follower, she doesn't really get that they are ditching my kid. She keeps 'liking' posts on instagram and such. My daughter chose for a while not to say anything- she just wanted to be mad, so she never replied to anything.

Then a couple of days ago this girl texted and said "i miss you so much, haven't seen you forever!". We were stumped. But I then told my daughter, you need to tell her why you are mad and that it's not ok to leave you out and treat you this way. She is clueless. So we came up with a reply together and she sent it. They exchanged texts a little while. The other girl said she was so sorry and still wanted to be friends, etc. My daughter told her that she wants to be friends, but just with her, and that she needs a little space right now.

I talked with my daughter about how this friendship won't look like what she wanted- they won't be bff's anymore (probably) because this kid is still friends with the other one and is mostly focused on popularity. So my daughter learned to lower her expectation, and focus on better friends, but allow this one in her life- at arms length. After all the texting I asked her how she felt and she said BETTER. She didn't like feeling so much anger and sadness, she's glad she got out that she was hurt, and feels even better that she realizes this girl is just not capable of being the friend she deserves right now, but doesn't have to be totally cut out- yet. I'm thinking this friendship will continue to fade and go away, but it will be more on my daughter's terms and won't hurt quite as much. I hope your daughter can get to this point as well.

Sorry to go on about our situation, but I know for me it helps to hear what other people are going through, not always just what I should do. A lot of us in the same boat!

Hope it gets better! Good luck.

You sound like a very caring Mom and I'd say you are doing all the right things. Sometimes girls can be just plain mean but sometimes friends just grow apart and who knows why. I think this happens to everyone at some point. But it is great that she has your support. She will make new friends and be happy again. In the meantime, have her do stuff outside of school that do not involve these old friends. Maybe some park district class? Or maybe some church or community center is offering an acting class. This will help to bring her out of herself a bit too. Maybe she has a hobby that she can pursue further? Or develop a new one like ceramics or jewelry making.

Like Happymama said, even adults have the issue.

I would advise you to use this time as a mama/daughter binding period. On weekends go to various thrift stores, cook up a storm on Saturday morning a bid elaborate, time consuming dinner, do some scrap booking...

Just a thought.... Does she journal or keep a diary? It might be good for her to write the situation and her feelings, and her friends reactions. She sounds like a mature and sensitive girl. When this happens again, or she goes through another loss, she can reflect on this and know that she made it through this loss and will make it through the next. Turn this situation into a tool for her to use.

Keep repeating to her. This both validates her feelings and helps her to process them so she can label/ categorize the feelings and move on.
Many blessings to you both!

Get her involved in an activity so she can meet new kids.
A sport, a craft or art class, Girl Scouts, a youth outreach program at church or even taekwondo, etc.
Another thing to do is take a class with her so you are together and she can interact with a wider age group of kids or other adults than she'd normally have contact with.
Where our son goes to taekwondo there are a lot of parents who have joined up after their kids have been in it a few years.
The kids get a kick out of being a higher belt level than their parents.

Hmmmm. I'm not sure why these girls think it's OK to ignore your daughter personally-especially the family member/friend-like one? I've never started ignoring a best friend for no reason. That's mean. I know kids have to work things out on their own, but I would have been very tempted to try to discuss with parents just to get to the bottom of what happened and to be sure they know their kids are acting like this. Sort of a "Hey, I'm sure you heard, your daughter doesn't want to associate with mine anymore, did you hear why? Did my daughter do anything wrong?" Then be willing to accept whatever they say and move on. Then it's key for your daughter to feel that she is moving on from THEM not vice versa. Your daughter does not want to be friends with girls like that. Hopefully she can feel happy they are out of her life (TERRIBLE GIRLS!) one day instead of feeling rejected. And forgive them and graciously make other friends etc. What's the STORY??! I would be mortified if my daughter was treating people the way those girls are and I would explain to her that it's not OK to be so cruel to people.

I am an adult and am going through things like this throughout a lifetime. We have to soothe ourselves sometimes and also tell ourselves it is not our fault, and that they are the people with the problems. In a child's life (how Old?) they are very seriously loyal and do not understand that people change, move on, or sometimes turn into plain old MEAN. Hormones and growing change people. Peer pressure. Acknowlege it is mean, that it hurts and perhaps share things you have gone through that were similar. And if it is really bad get some help. Sometimes these things are more than depression but chemical imbalances which can benefit from diet and meds.

I liked Andie's suggestion of being available to listen as much as you can. I'd also add that this is a time for her dad to step up and go do some fun things with her, just one on ones like bowling or something else they both enjoy, like miniature golf maybe? The reason for this is that dad do have the potential to be a powerful positive with their kids and that's something she needs right now.

She needs to know, more by the actions of those around her than by words, that she IS a valued and fun person. That she is *worth* spending time with, that she is a good person. Perhaps other options would be taking her to do some volunteer work with you or Dad at a food bank or other fairly tame volunteer project.

And I liked Andie's suggestion of maybe finding a class or helping her pursue something that is interesting/fulfilling for her spirit. Finding other kids who have like-minded interests will likely be a validating effect for her. Keep up with the counseling, keep on being her cheerleader, and also make sure that no false hopes are brought up. Some people want to reassure their kids that 'those friends will come around'-- let their actions determine how you encourage her.

As best as you can let her know that people come in and out of your life, but true friends will always be there and to hold out for those kind of friends. Those friends that you can for years and not see or talk to, but when you do it is like you were never apart.

This is just one phase of her life that hurts and she will look back on down the road and learn the lessons to be learned. Unfortunately children are cruel and until it happens to them they will not realize how bad they can hurt another person.

Tell her to cherish the friends she does have in her life and try to not ever what is being done to her.

I wish her the best. We girls are such fragile creatures...treat us as you would want to be treated.