What to Do - Bonsall,CA

"Do this or I won't like you".

The perfect comeback, that even a child can understand and is appropriate is, "Fine, you don't have to like me. I'm still not doing what you say."

Being a mother and doing daycare for a long time, this "I won't be your friend" stuff happens. It's not that abnormal although it isn't nice at all.
You just have to make sure your kids know that friends don't be friends on an "only if" basis.
If someone says, "I will only be your friend if you give me your bracelet", it's perfectly okay for a child to know it's fine to say, "If you don't want to be friends, that's fine with me. I'm not giving you my bracelet."

I experienced it much more with girls trying that with my daughter, but boys can do it to. My son had kids who tried it.
I just taught my kids that if someone said that to them, that's not what "friends" say to each other and to call their bluff.
Fine. We don't have to be friends then.
It's not rude. It's a way for a kid to stand up for themself and it's done without even involving the other parent because heaven knows, there are lots of little cherubs running around this planet whose parents would never believe they would say such a thing.

Deal with it on the level of your own kid. That worked miracles for me.
Kids may say stuff like that, but it has no power if your kid is strong enough to say, "Okay. If those are your terms...see ya!"

Just my opinion.

Check out the meaning of relational aggression. This girl sounds like a bully in training.
You have the option always to make your child safe and comfortable at school. You can go to the principal and request that your daughter be assigned to a different class citing that having her friend w her in class is very distracting. I just had to do that at my childrens school. My son is having difficulty with a 4th grader (he's in 3rd) and I requested they be kept separate in their reading program ( sometimes grades cross, ie; a 4th grader might be in a 3rd gr level of reading) it saved both me and especially my son a TON of anxiety. And my daughter has a friend who is bossy and won't let other girls play w my daughter. Though i am very friendly w her mother. If they were ever assigned to the same teacher I'd be in that school in a heartbeat to have my daughter moved. Be proactive. Request a different teacher! Your daughter is your priority.
Establish a relationship with your principal. Why can this teacher request them to be in the same class? Explain the situation and that in lieu of changing schools this would work for you as a family and that it's causing a lot of stress. What happens at school comes home with your child. You can control this situation!

You've gotten some good advice. Use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter to stand up for herself, coach her in what to say the next time this other girl "bullies" her. Talk with the classroom teacher, who most likely has seen her in action. And yes, I would ask that she be separated from this girl and moved to a different classroom by speaking to the principal. If the other girl's mom pushes the relationship, then just be upfront and tell her what's going on.

If your daughter is really to the point where she'd rather move away rather than face this 'friend', then she should be less worried about standing up for herself.
Next time the 'do this or I won't like you' thing comes up, tell her to say "Fine. I guess you are not going to like me." and call her bluff.
If you can talk with the girl's Mom, you can say you think they need some space from each other and you want them in separate classes next year.
Sign your girl up for taekwondo.

I would talk with your daughter's teacher. Anything that happens at school is the concern of school staff.

I would tell the other mother, directly and in a firm voice, that you do not want your daughters to be friends anymore and would appreciate it if she would stop encouraging their relationship. Offer to discuss the reasons. Be tactful but direct. Do not be accusatory at all. Emphasize how your daughter feels. Give examples. When your daughter does this, my daughter feels this.

Hopefully this mother will use her professional knowledge and experience to accept that the relationship isn't working and it's best for both girls to make other friends.

Do not change schools. This sort of situation is going to keep coming up over the years. This gives you and your daughter an opportunity to learn new skills and ways to handle the inappropriate child.

Have the teacher/school officials address the issues that are happening while at school. Continue to distance yourselves outside of school. Make a very specific request/demand that whatever class your daughter is in next year, it needs to be NOT the same one as the other child regardless of what the other mother requests (have the current teacher back that up by agreeing they should be separated).

.

Tell the other mom and the other school staff something like this:

"The dynamics between these two girls does not seem to be healthy for either one of them. I'm observing that my daughter is not making her own choices or following family rules well. Instead, she lets (other child) make all the decisions. I'm concerned for my child, but I'm also concerned for (the other child). It isn't healthy for her to have a friend that never disagrees with her and never challenges her. I think both children would benefit from a period of separation.
This is likely to be hard for both girls to do for themselves, so please help them separate. You don't have to peel them forcibly from each other, but please make it possible and easy for them to play with separate groups. If you notice one following the other around, encourage the follower to find another activity. Encourage and assist them to develop different friendships so they can both expand their social skills. Thank you!

The phrase "the dynamics between these kids is a problem" is standard jargon among teachers. It indicates that both children are fine on their own, but there is trouble when they are together. It helps move the conversation from "who's the bad kid" to "how do we solve this problem?"

If the mom is in denial, she may be able to hear "my doormat daughter is teaching your kid to be too bossy and I don't think it's good for either one of them." If possible, phrase your concerns as a criticism of your own child and a protective concern for the other child. It defuses defensiveness and opens up conversation.

If you have any reason to believe that the other mother is intentionally seeking out "doormat" friendships for her child, move to another school ASAP. If the mom is a bully training her child to be a bully, both you and your daughter need to sever the relationship.

Good luck!

In my opinion, you can't change this other little girl but you can work with your daughter to help her to understand that she is not in a healthy friendship and that it is ok for her to say no. Seriously. So many girls/women have a problem saying no because they are taught or perceive that it is their job to please. You also should be able to go to the principal or director of your daughter's school, explain the situation and request that she not be placed in the same class as this girl next year (or transfer her to a new class now). They should be able to accommodate you. Good luck.

Go straight to the principal with this one if she stays in that school. Request that your daughter not be placed in the same class as this child and the reason's why and tell him/her that your daughter's current teacher has witnessed the behavior. The thing with switching schools is, who's to say that there won't be another little girl there that will do the same thing. You have to teach your daughter to stand up for herself and to say NO to this child now. She needs to be learning the fact that you cannot make everyone happy and you can't switch schools each time someone becomes a bad friend. We've all been there in that position where you find out a "friend's" true colors. Start teaching her now how to say no, and how to distance herself from this child. Request from her teacher that they be separated in class. It's a life lesson she needs to learn to carry her through high school and into adulthood. Good luck!

If this lady is so persistent at pushing the friendship, it sounds to me like you may have to confront her, since things you try to do will be thwarted by her. The same way your daughter can't sort of "ignore" the girl away, your not handling the mom is enabling the situation to continue.

You can go quietly around the mom and try to circumvent things with the help of others, but the mom will just bulldoze right in. If you go straight to the mom, you exorcise the thorn.

The behavior you are mentioning is really BAD. It stinks it has been let go so long. But, better late than never. You should not feel bad standing up for your daughter about it. The school is going to know her child's behavior all too well throughout school. You need to be brave and not fear the fact that this lady wont' "like you". She's almost holding the same threat over you that her daughter has over yours. You're not doing anything drastic, because you wouldn't want this teacher not to "like you" or your daughter.

Say to the mom, "Hey, Cindy Lou, my daughter isn't comfortable being friends with your daughter anymore. Their personalities just are not meshing, and my daughter has been very stressed out for a long time. I was hoping things would iron themselves out, but they haven't. Without playing any blame games, I just want our daughters to have a break from each other. I'm moving mine to a different room, and wanted you to know why." be ready to answer any questions she asks truthfully, and be ready for her not to hear you. Even better would be if you could get the mom to tell her daughter to leave yours alone and not flee the class, but I don't see that happening.

OK. Then. sit back and wait for the atomic bomb to fall, but it may not. If she seeks any sort of revenge, you can handle it then. Worst case scenario, you can move schools. But I think you should confront.

My daughter had a serious brat in her K4 class and her mom was a piece of WORK. She would bully everyone at class parties and stuff to establish her dominance right out of the gate. I couldnt' believe I had to stoop so low, but I actually got in a couple of "little spats" with her just so she KNEW myself and my daughter would not be easy prey for her little nightmare. The daughter of course went from forcing my daughter to play with her to ignoring her and forcing other kids to play with her, but those kids fell away one by one and my daughter had enough friends.

I'm sorry this is happening, but the direct route is usually best.

I would go and talk with your daughter's teacher. Ask her what she is seeing in the classroom, and what is going on on the playground. The other girl may have issues with other children as well. Explain the frustration your daughter is talking to you about, and the situation you are in with the mother. You don't want to cause problems with her, but want to help your daughter out of the situation.

You can ask that the other girl be moved to a different side of the classroom, be encouraged to play with others, and not included in your daughter's reading group and other in classroom activities.

Changing schools is probably a good idea for many reasons, and a simple talk with the new principal should prevent the other girl from being added to your daughter's classroom. You may be able to change schools now if you have put money down on your future house.

I would also talk to your daughter about ways to handle this situation. I like the comments about telling her to tell her friend "it's okay if you don't like me, I'm not going to..." This will not be the last bully that your daughter encounters, she needs to learn to stand up for herself.

Good luck!

Video--I don't know if the girls play at your house but if they do, set up a video camera and hopefully catch the girl in a lie or bullying. Play the tape for her mom.

Second talk to the other moms, I'm sure they have had the same trouble with this girl as you and your daughter have had. Go in group to talk to the mom of this little girl.

Third change schools. Over the summer find a program to help your daughter learn to stand up to bullies.

I think your daughter is at a disadvantage because that child's mother is a teacher in that school. I would just move her now. Keep in mind that there are going to be pushy people where ever she goes and that she needs to really consider who she would like to be friends with in the future. Is there any way you can ask the teacher to help to get the girls separated? I know that there were times when I would step in as a teacher and have the kids work on social skills. I have always explained to my kids that if some other child is leading you into trouble, you are never helpless. Just walk away. True friends want the very best for you and would not lead you to get into trouble. In the end I explain to my kids that they are responsible for their own actions and if they follow a child into trouble I am still going to hold my child responsible for the trouble they followed a child into.

Can you ask for a change in classes midway through the year? If they say no ask them if you could withdraw your daughter from school. Try homeschooling for the rest of this semester then see about putting her back in after winter break asking for a different class.