Work/Home/Me Time

Hi J. M,

First of all, I believe guilt is a wasted emotion! Kids adjust to whatever we throw at them, it's the grownups who have a hard time..Also, two is a notoriously difficult age. Find playdates, so they can butt heads with each other, rather than you..

Okay, to the specifics: I learned to meditate in the shower, do walking meditation and I do yoga at my local rec center. I have three(!!!) kids. I regain my sanity with yoga. It's tough to get away, but I have found that adjusting my head is the trick. Then the little things don't irk so much.

I hope this helps..

S. B

J.-

I am right there with you! Although I am a full time SAHM. Not to knock how hard you are working but sometimes I feel that the mom's who go to work get some sort of a break. You can have lunch and not have to make sure your kids have eaten and are eating what you make for them. You can go to the bathroom without 2 kids follwoing you in to the bathroom and going through the cabinets, etc. but having said that, do NOT feel guilty about taking "me time" especially since you actually have a husband who would give you a weekend!:) My husband, let's say, doesn't really think that being a SAHM is hard so he doesn't really give me "me time". So if it is offered, TAKE IT! With out guilt. You deserve it! And I hear what you are saying about the vacation. When my daughter was 2 1/2 and I was pregnant with my second child I went on vacation with my parents and my husband and daughter. I was in a foul mood the whole time because all I wanted was some time for ME, to lie on the beach and not have to be on top of my daughter every second, to relax on the balcony with a glass of wine, to sleep in and not have to get up when my daughter throws up in the middle of the night, etc etc. I think it is completely normal. Good luck!

I agree with Belinda B, if you have a set time every week where 3 hours are yours, you may not feel the need to get away for an extended period so strongly.
Personally, I have an 11 wk old and a 6 year old - I would say I take 3 hours a week (or every other to be truthful) where I do something for me. We're not talking CVS/gym, either - we're talking pedicure or Barnes and Noble to sit with a latte!
C.

I go through this EXACT thing, all the time. I'm a working (40 hours)mother of two, 3 years and 10 month old, boys. My husband is also a saint. We've recently come to the conclusion that we need to divide and conquer. What this means is I take one (sometimes two here and there)evening a week for myself, out of the house. My husband puts the kids to bed. (It's tough at first, but gets much easier when you realize that all is well without you there.) Then some time for myself on the weekends, and then my husband does the same.

On the weekends sometimes my husband will take the kids out of the house if I want time to myself at home. The important thing is to not use that time for chores, but for real you time. Easier said than done, I know!

Whenever I start to feel guilty I remind myself that doing this for me also improves my relationship with my children and husband. It keeps the feelings of resentment that arise when I'm feeling "trapped" at bay. Then I can focus more on my family and use patience and rationality when dealing with my 3 year old.

Also, 1-2 times a year I make a point of a weekend away w/o the family. Get together with some girl friends for a Sat/Sun. There's some guilt associated with that, even more so because my husband doesn't do the same, but it's so worth it!

I don't know why we feel the need to be supermom, able to do all things and BE all things to our children and husband. Reality is that it's just not possible. Cut yourself some slack and take some of that much deserved you time. It makes you a smart mom, not a mom that can't "handle" it.

First of all, my friend, you have to let go of the guilt. For busy working women taking care of a family, taking care of yourself has to come first because you cannot do anything for the rest of your family and do it well if you are totally stressed out and feeling like you are going to snap. It does not make you selfish, it does not make you a bad parent, actually, it makes you a better parent when you take care of yourself. That means getting enough sleep, good nutrition, good hygiene, and all the other "basics" of life" that your family also needs, but it also means time. Time to destress, time to step back, time to relax, time to be you. It will help you to handle the rest of your life with more calm and less "going to snap" If your husband is willing to let you go away for a weekend GO! and leave the guilt baggage behind. It is also a terrific way for your husband and little one to have some bonding time and important for them to do that. I scrapbook, and our group goes away twice a year for a weekend to spend the time with each other and scrapbooking and eating and whatever else we feel like doing. Our family week is structured so that Mondays my husband and son go to scouts and my daughter and I have some 1:1 time. Tuesday is girls night out, my husband has the kids and I go out with friends to shop, eat, movies or whatever we feel like doing - no guilt involved-. Wednesday my husband goes to karate, which is his thing and his night out and I have the kids. Thursday is family night, we eat together, play games, watch a movie or whatever. Friday night is kind of up for grabs, sometimes we eat out, sometimes in, sometimes we go to a movie together, whatever suits us. The weekend varies with sporting events, karate classes for the kids and other activities, but most often my little scrapbooking group is here at our house and we work on those creative outlets all afternoon. It is so important for Mom's, especially newer MOm's like you with a high pressure job, not to lose your identity because you feel it makes you selfish to take time for you. Kids are very perceptive, I'm sure your 2 year old has picked up on your stress level already. If you can't seem to let go of the guilt and allow yourself to relax and have time for you, I would highly suggest seeing a counselor to talk it through. I did, still do from time to time and even my husband goes with me once in a while. Not because our marriage is rocky, but because we want to be better parents and husband/wife to each other too! Above all remember - stress effects every aspect of your life, your health, your family, your job so take time to destress, give yourself permission to do it and leave the guilt behind.

hmmm, although mine is more severe, you sound a bit depressed. My youngest is now 2, and Im pretty sure I have been depressed since she was in my womb, but worse after, Post partum maybe? I have never completely enjoyed her the way I did my oldest, and whether I get an hour alone or a day, I feel guilty and like Im rushing around the whole time to get back and I dont feel any better when I do arrive. I yell all the time and feel aggitated all day and blow up at everything. My docs are just now medicating me, I should start next week, so Ill let you know how it goes! Ive put off meds for about a year, Im not a big fan of them, but I have gotten into such a funk that Ive realized there is no turning back, I find little joy in anything, I have become good at faking it though. So, this could be an option for you, talk to your doctor, maybe see a therapist, it could be just what you need. Good luck (for all of us in a funk!)

First, you are not alone. Second, get a full check-up to be sure there is nothing medical going on - including depression. I am a better mom now that my clinical depression has been diagnosed and treated. Third, try to control the guilt - you are no good to your husband and daughter if you are not healthy and happy and mentally restored. Fourth, definitely take a weekend! And take the following Monday off from work so you can come home and not have to go into full gear right away. Go to a spa or a hotel, go to museums or the theater or a concert, a couple of art galleries or whatever makes you happy. What are the things you have always wanted to do, or you did before you had a child? Have you always wanted to see a specific tourist site or historic home? Is there a movie you want to see but not have to discuss? How about reading trashy novels and watching late-night TV and ordering room service whenever you feel like it? How about a bubble bath or massage? Can you visit a friend from high school or college who makes you feel good?? Your child will survive a few days without you, and it will be a special bonding time for your husband. You already recognize that you need to sleep and not have responsibilities for a brief period - now you just have to do it. When my son napped for 3 hours, my husband (who works at home) took over for 6 hours - he could still work for 3 of the 6, but be here just in case. And the two of them had special time together. I went to the movies, took myself to lunch, drove around till I had an impulse to do something like wander through a big furniture store or stop at a nature area. I also did a weekend with college friends and we hit the city for a swim in the hotel pool, a fun dinner out, and lots of reminiscing. I learned that it's okay to let go and let someone else manage things for a while. I don't have to do everything.

Good luck!

I have felt these very same things. Its normal when you are constantly on the go. Some downtime for mom would be nice. You need to make time for you, and no, sometimes a stroll thru cvs or an hour at the gym doesnt help. For me, I found what I needed by playing roller derby. I am out, on average, 3 nights a week. It gives me a place to be me, not have to worry about the family for a couple hours, and a place to get out some of my stress. Oh, and Im in better shape now than I have been in years. The moral of my post is this: Make time for yourself. Find a hobby that thrills you. If you dont take the time for yourself, you are just going to find yourself trying to dig that hole deeper to crawl into. Ive been there. Ive dug that hole. It was hard to get out. Take care and take time for mom.
~~d

It sounds like you need to take a little break. We all do. I don't have any "set" amount of time that i take...but i can tell when i need it. Thankgoodness i have a supportive husband, sounds like you do too. So, don't feel guilty. If you have a sister or friend that can get away for a night..set something up. I have an Aunt that loves Foxwoods and gets free rooms alot. I hate to gamble, but i'll tag along and use the spa, have a nice meal..and sleep in peace and quiet. I don't feel guilty, we all need some mental health days! Especially where you work 40 hours a week. You never get any time to yourself. I work partime...so i'm always saying that my free time away is going to work. My DH also travels alot..which makes it hard too. But sometimes if i'm really feeling stressed out, i'll go get a pedicure, go shopping, or whatever. You NEED it..if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy 8-)
I don't know if you ever find sanity once you have kids. I have an almost 3 year old and a 15 month old, STILL haven't got my act together. I think we all handle motherhood in different ways...i find my life to be very chaotic and out of control. I think that's half the problem..if you like to control things, like i do, parenthood is one thing you can't control. Your life is not your own anymore.
SO, take a break..you deserve it!!
M.

HI J., i am 35 year old I have a four and a half year old and I understand the guilt. I feel awful when I take me time but it has to be done to keep your sanity and your marriage. my husband takes lots of him time!!!! however, i am okay with the gym, spin classes, kbox weights etc.... I go 4-5 times a week and there is no negotiating my 1-2 hours! This is my me time, my indulgence and my addiction. I also have a facial every 2-3 months as well as a masage this gives me me time as well as relax time. If going out with friends is what you would like do it once or twice a month. dinner drinks movies shopping any time of day... as long as it gets you out of the house and happy. SHOpping by myself is also good therapy! good luck

I can't address the work stress (as I am not a working mom), but I can say that you definitely need to find something that helps you relax. I agree that you need more than a trip to the gym and a stroll through CVS, but it also sounds like when given the chance to fully and totally relax (on an island with 3 other capable adults to help with your child) you didn't take it. I think that you need to talk to your saintly husband and tell him how you are feeling. Maybe you can get a girls only weekend away where you can feel like you don't have to be so responsible for someone else all the time? Or, if the grandparents are willing, maybe you and your hubby can go away and you can rediscover what

I don't necessarily have any advice for you , but just wanted to tell you that your message resonated with me. My son is only 2 months old, but I hear what you're saying. Actually, I guess I would encourage you to plan something for yourself- the 24 hours you need. Not only will it make you feel better, but I truly think that one of the most powerful examples a parent can set for their child is one of self care, which ultimately shows self love. On another note, as my friend Maureen said to me, "If mama aint happy, nobody's happy."

You sound stressed! No way to think about conceiving another one. Working FT and juggling child and family is very hard. Time to enlist in some outside help. Get a reliable sitter. Schedule some weekly "me" time. Exercise is great, either with or without the family. Schedule a massage (once a month would be nice wouldn't it?). Give yourself something to look forward to. You sound Type A, so planning things and being busy makes you happy even though you are exhausted. Yoga?, take a nap (stop feeling guilty if you aren't 100% productive. (Vacations can be stressful if you can't relax, and the vacation let down syndrome is even more depressing) No one has the answers, but hopefully you get some advice that helps, Good luck!

Well, my son is 9, so it's different, but last fall my husband basically ordered me to go to spa. I was not much fun to be around. I wasn't comfortable with high-priced luxury spas, so I went to a yoga monastery for 5 days over the New Year break. I came back much nicer. That's how long it took, and I'm sure my husband thinks the time was well-invested.

First of all your guilt will never go away (and don't feel guilty about that either ..lol). Second find something you really like to do and do it once a week, even if it's for a few hours. I like to go to the gym and work out atleast 3 days a week but since that's not your thing find a friend and go for coffee/flea market etc.. Take a class once a week will also be a way of geting out of the house and meeting "real" people. Also if you can have someone else besides your husband to watch your child so that you don't feel so guilty about leaving your husband holding the baby (literally). If that's not possible don't feel bad about leaving the baby with your loving husband just be sure that he gets to go do something without you and the baby. Letting him releive some stress will make you happy and not feel as guilty. But again if you stop feeling guilty about this something else is sure to be around the corner!! YOUR A MOM! :)

Hi J.,
Don't feel guilty about needing time off. Take the weekend, or just a night and visit with a friend who is far enough away that you can't jump in the car and be home in 5 minutes. I am a big fan of girl weekends. We try to do them 2 or 3 times a year. No husbands, no kids, just friends. Biggest thing is to get rid of the guilt. It's hard to do, but you need time for yourself.
Good luck!

Wow. You have a lot on your plate! I would say take as much time as you need. I used to work full time after a stressful summer of taking care of him full time (bad accident) and my little one, I told my husband I was going to take at least 24 hours and check myself into a hotel, to get a full nights sleep and maybe even go out with the girls. I didn't end up doing it, it got pushed back and now I am no longer working. Last summer I took 2 days/1 night and went with my sister in law to a concert. He wasn't happy about it but I needed it. Other than that my only "me" time is nap time, bed time, or the gym, which has babysitting. And at least a few times a year when my friends have parties I go by myself. I am really good about giving "me" time to him whenever he needs it because like you, he has a lot on his plate.

Hi, I hear ya!! Sometimes I get my niece to watch my 2 boys, ages 9 months & 2 yrs old. I will just go to Target & browse the clearance sections for hours, or walk around the mall. It really helps, sometimes I feel guilty, like I should be home with the boys, but if I don't do it - I WILL snap!! I work a full time job, night shift as an ER nurse, so I really relish the few hours a week I get to go shopping. Seriously - even a trip to Shaw's to browse the organic section can be fun by yourself!! Hope this helps - you are not alone!!
~ M.

Hi J.!
Let go of the guilt!!! If you have a willing, supportive husband, by all means take your opportunity! You need to be healthy mentally to be able to be there for your child. Do what it takes to keep your sanity. I play rugby. Two hour practices a week and games on Sat. When I can! I usually bring our 8 month old to the games! Accept help. You are lucky you have it!
L.

Hi J.,
Boy, that brings back memories- I know somewhat how you feel. I would say learn EFT and grap 10 minutes a day with yourself. It will make a huge differance.
www.eft-ayurveda.com
www.emofree.com
Best,
Stephanie

oh J., i can so relate to this struggle. i've dealt with it by taking 1 hour every day to go to the gym. i am a member of the ymca and they'll take care of the baby while i exercise for 1/2 hour and then sit in the sauna and shower for 1/2 hour. it's done wonders for my mood. regarding going on vacation, my friend said that a vacation with a baby is not a vacation- it's simply a change of venue. i believe she's right.

take good care of your SELF. -F.

Oh, I understand how you are feeling when you say you feel you need some time to not have responsibilities and that if you are pushed more you will snap. I am a stay-at-home Mom and I feel this way. For me stay-at-home Mom means I just don't get paid for the things I do, working part time for our church, babysitting friends kids weekly, caring for my Mom with health issues, chasing after my soon to be walking 11 month old. My friend was told she has adrenal fatigue (where the adrenal glands are maxed out b/c one doesn't get enough sleep, is usually constantly stressed, etc. . . . info says it's a 21st century disease), her talking about it made me wonder if I had it. From what I read a doctor should test you for it, but info also says PMS issues can be a result of adrenal fatigue, and oh do I have PMS issues. So I am going about trying to work on the PMS issues. I started by doing a whole body cleanse, a 2 week program where I have to limit some of what I eat, but it is not too bad at all. This cleanse clears out the liver, kidneys and colon. I bought a kit from a health food store to do this, and the directions say to relax during this time, so I am trying my best to do that, it's hard though when there is so much to do and so little time. The kit also suggests doing something fun each day, this is really a challenge for me. But this cleanse has helped me to feel much better already, I have 4 days left. Info I read says that when liver is maxed out then you can't absorb the vitamins you need, then I wonder if that's why I feel so overwhelmed so easily. In this 2 week period I have made a few changes in things I do, dropping things that I felt committed to but were way stressing me out, that I didn't really feel I found any joy in. I am hoping to pick up doing some scrapbooking, that is my outlet, and to read more. It took me a while to realize these 2 things are really the only things that make me feel relaxed. I had been trying to watch tv with my husband to relax, but that just stressed me out. I also made a spot in our bedroom where I can close the door and scrapbook when my husband is home. I am realizing I need to just go ahead and do this at least once every 2 weeks to help me feel recharged. Some weeks I can go for a while, other times I feel so maxed out from day to day. I have been trying to think of ways to get ahead of the maxed out feeling, b/c even though I don't feel I have time to do things I enjoy, I realize it helps me to be a better Mom. I hope this was not to much info, your request just hit home to me in a more personal way. I hope you find what works for you.

I have an 18 month old and have just separated myself a bit. I do yoga 2-3 times a week and try to plan one night every two months with girlfriends, dinner, wine, laughter. I agree that doing errands without your child is not time alone for you. You need to give up your guilt. I felt the same way when I left my son with my husband but then I thought, nothing bad was going to happen! You MUST take care of yourself.

We sound like we have a lot in common--I actually did snap last year and spireled into depression (much better now)- I think we as mothers have a "mom complex"- we take care of everyone and all of a sudden realize we've done NOTHING for ourselves. I too have a high stress job- I'm full time, work off hours that are long and have two kids- 2 and 4. My husband is great- but that sometimes doesn't make a difference. I have one night a week designated as me time- I go to bed early after the kids (immediately) and read (which is calming to me)- Sometimes it's 1 page- other times it's a couple chapters. But there is something so relaxing about curling up in bed and not having to worry about "other needs:)". I also leave work once a week and do not go straight home- rather hit a couple stores and just browse- something that I can't and won't do with 2 children. This past summer I took up gardening- it was really therapeutic- and more importantly--it was nice to have quiet. One more thing I started doing was getting my hair done regularly- I figure the 2 hours of silence is worth the money!

Hope this helps! Just know you are not alone in how you feel.

Girls Night. It may sound lame or selfish depending on where you're coming from but it's not. We need to company and support of our women friends and a day or two every couple of months is not only fun it's necessary for our sanity.
Plan an overnight with a friend or two. There are four of us and two or three times a year we get together without husbands or children. Everyone arrives whenever they can on Friday night, we have light appetizers and a few glasses of wine then off to bed, no alarm clocks allowed. Everyone sleeps as late as they need to then we head out for a long walk, light lunch and back for reading or a nap. We make resevations for dinner at a restaraunt that doesn't mind if you linger at the table and we talk and eat, drink wine and talk more, share desserts, and not have to cut anyone's meal up for them or escort anyone into the bathroom with a diaper bag. After dinner we head back for late night talks and more glorious sleeping! Sunday morning we share coffee, bagels & the New York Times. Pack up and everyone is back on the road by noon. In total it's probably only 36 hours but it feels like a week. You'll be gone long enough to hit your personal refresh button and you come back ready to conquer the world. As for your husband being a good "helper" start thinking of him as your "partner" instead. You both made these children and this life together, take care of it together. He gets guys weekends too, it's only fair.

Hi J.,
I am a full time working Mom to a 2 year old boy. I can definitely relate to what you are feeling. I will agree with all the others in that feeling guilty is normal but you need to get over it! I also have a husband who is a huge help, a very hands-on Dad. However, we work completely opposite schedules. I am during the day and he works a 3-11 shift. So we're like two ships passing in the night. It's tough sometimes, but like everyone else has said, if you don't take some time for yourself every once in awhile what good are you going to be to your family?? I don't do anything on a regular basis except for the gym. I hit the gym on weekends and my son stays home with his Dad. Other than that, whenever I feel like I need some "me time" I make arrangements to have my son stay overnight at my parents house and I go out with the girls, do some shopping, go out to dinner, or sometimes just come home to a nice quiet house. As for the vacation, my husband and I decided shortly after our son was born that he would not accompany us on any vacations until at least age 3, when he is a little more self sufficient and can enjoy it a little more. I think another Mom put it best when she said a vacation with kids is not a vacation, just a change of venue. I couldn't agree more! In fact, this April my hubby and I are off to St. Thomas for a few days to celebrate our 9th anniversary and our son will be with my parents. Good Luck, J.!

Dear J.,
I want to let you know how much I appreciate your question, as I am very interested in the "me time" question. I look forward to hearing what has worked for others.
Thank you for putting this material out there.
J.

I think it's different from person to person. My son is now 15 so having alone time isn't an issue for me anymore. When he was younger I tried getting away once a week for a few hours, I did ceramics with my mom. I think an occasional get away overnight or for the weekend is something we all need from time to time. I think the most important thing is to be sure that you have your "me" time every week whatever you chose to do be sure it's something that is relaxing to you and something you enjoy and takes your mind off everything. I hope this helps.

I hear you!
I came to a face-slapping realization that I had taken no me-time at all in two years. Remember when we use to do things that were interesting?
My son is just 2, I work fulltime and when he goes to bed around 9pm, we are in bed within 15 minutes. Yet we need adult time, and personal time to survive. So the very first me-time I finally made was to sign up for an Adult Ed class in Brookline. I now take ceramics one day a week from 7pm-930, usually home around 10pm (past bedtime, but worth it). I am out of the house, away from all of it and in my own zone for about 3 hours. Some days I get apprehensive about going because I miss the little guy, or between work and family it doesn't feel like there are possible enough hours in the day, but then I just do it. And when I am there, I am free.
Sanity for another child? My take on it is that lots of women are having their second now because 9 months ago it seemed like "ya, I'm getting the hang of this..." But now that he is 2, then he'll be 3, and maybe not until 4 or 5 that this crazy wild time tapers off (I am warned), the thought of another child is daunting. I want one, but where are the other 48 hours in the day?
Me: 32-year-old high intensity job working mom, 26 month-old and a loving husband.

I am the mother of a seven year old boy and also work full time. It is very hard to take time for yourself but you have to. It definately makes you a better mom. I go to weight watchers every Tues and have been for seven months.There are times my son tells me he misses me but I do go anyway because I know how much I need to. I think I would be resentful if I had no time at all for myself. I do also go to the movies with friends alot.And I walk every night after my son goes to bed.About a year and a half ago I went to Florida with a friend for a long weekend. It was the best time! I hope to do it again soon.You do miss your child but you destress alot when you take time for yourself. My husband also goes away with friends on occasion. Every one still needs to keep their interests and remember the things you enjoyed before you were a mom or dad and do it.You'll be happier and so will everyone else.

If it's any consolation, I find myself in the same situation. I own my own private practice and have a very supportive husband and in-laws. So sometimes i feel guilty taking time for myself. Plus, I am enjoying my time with my 20 month old but I also value showers alone and pedicures! I work with my husbands and in-laws to find at least one day/afternoon/hour a week when I can get some "only me" time to get those things done. Also, Travel by Tatten, a one-woman-owned travel business, does "women-only" trips...exactly for you and me!! Linda realized we are not alone in our cries for time alone! She makes day trips to NYC and the Theatre District in Boston, as well as weekend trips to Vermont/Maine and the Caribbean! You want a cruise, she has those too! And she's the "mom" of us on the trips! She also brings chocolate! I kid you not, this is the way to go!! And she's affordable!! So check her website out for ideas (www.travelbytatten.com) and good luck!! Balance is found while we search for balance...J. D.

Hi. I have the same problem. But I'm a slefish person so I demanded the time. It's really hard to do but do it. Once a month I had a message on friday nights. Then came home to two demanding children. So I invented Mommy time. Dad had to keep the kids away from me foR 1/2 hour after I came home. Baths are really good foe this. I like to ski so once a year I went away with my ski club for a weekend without the kids. Dad stayed home. Of course some times it didn't work out well. I got sick on the weekend. Then I took a vacation for a week without my kids. The good thing is they begin to grow up. They spend time at their own sleep overs. My kids never gave me a minute of peace but they do grow out of it. You will get your sanity back and not be so stressed out. Maybe a yoga class a couple time a week would help you. Try to get your husband more involved in child raising.Dads do things alot differently than Moms but let him. This will help alot.