Would You Tell the Other Woman's Husband?

His loss. So sorry you're going through this. Please tell me you have a lawyer who is advising you through all of this...

You did the right thing! Kudos to you. You are not the crazy one. I love how the guilty try make the innocent responsible for their mistakes. I am so sorry you are having to go through this but it's better you found out now. Good luck with everything!

Absolutely I would've told her husband if I were able to...definitely! I know I would want to know if my spouse was cheating, absolutely!

Yep, I probably would have done the same thing.
Hubby left - he doesn't get to tell you what to do anymore.
When he's shown no loyalty TO you, he deserves none FROM you.
Don't second guess yourself.

Additional:
Whoa! Just saw your SWH.
So, 2nd time for this other wife, huh?
In your place I'd be LMAO.
See, if she's willing to cheat with him, she's willing to cheat on him - and she's got a proven cheating track record now.
Your Hubby is going to KNOW exactly how you feel right now sooner or later.
What goes around comes around - and he's got his coming.

I think you need to figure out your end game in all of this. Seriously you have 2 little children who are depending on you to do the right thing and give them a stable life. So far you have continued to throw yourself at someone who decided he wasn't in love with you any more. It sucks but at this point you can't make him care.

The only things you have control over is how you will respond to this situation. Throwing his girlfriend under the bus might make you feel better short term but in the long run you are just being childish. I'm sure her hubby would have found out shortly without your involvement.

Go to court and get temp child support and spousal support set up along with visitations so that you can move forward. Your children need you to step up and make sure they are cared for. Your hubby doesn't owe you an explaintion as to why is he behaving this way; he owes you financial support to hit him in the wallet.

Mostly I just want to tell you that you sound really young and seem to be in way over your head on this. Can you seek out someone a bit older who can help you frame this in a healthy way instead of someone your age who might be pushing you more toward getting even?

I think your husband is concerned that his person of interest is now available and may pressure him to settle down. I think you did a good thing by telling the other husband. I would NOT want to be in the dark about something like this! Keep your chin up. They were the ones that messed up their families.

Hopefully at some point your only concern will be for yourself and your children.
I mean, I guess you feel you need "answers" now, whatever that means (?) but talking to the other woman's husband just seems like you're adding to the drama and looking back not forward.
If I were you the only people I'd be talking to at this point would be my family, friends and lawyer, I certainly wouldn't be wasting my time talking to my soon to be ex husband's cheated on spouse.
What is the point, exactly? How does that help you or your kids?

I'm not in your shoes, so I can't say what I would do and when or how. But the bottom line for you now is that you are getting divorced, he cheated, and he's angry about being caught. Take steps to know your legal rights, both for yourself and your kids, get a lawyer, etc. Don't do him any favors, but also don't be bullied by him during this process. Focus on moving on. Get counseling to help you navigate this emotional process.

Unfortunately he's right that you are not likely to be able to ban her from seeing your kids on his time - but that also means he can't tell you that someone you want around your kids can't be there, either. It's not going to be fun or pretty, but you will get through it. You may never get the answers you want or need or like. Keep the long view. And please NEVER bash him in front of your kids. That hurts them more than it will ever hurt him. You can be mad at him, but he will always be their daddy. Try to separate the husband from the father. A friend of mine also lost her husband to one of his coworkers, but it didn't change that he was still a good dad. Just not a good spouse.

I really want to know how old you are because this sounds so much like high school. Not excusing your husband's awful behavior but you walk up to his coworkers and ask them are you sleeping with my husband? Then you call their husband? This isn't like neighbors or friends, this is work. I would wonder if you considered this drama could get him fired and you without any child support?

In your last post you suspected he got back with his old girlfriend. How many people have you accused before you found the right one?

I mean this really sounds like you are a teen or very young 20 something. So no, I would not have done the same thing. I can't even imagine how I would communicate with my husband's coworkers let alone their spouses. Does your husband work fast food or sales where you can just walk in? You have kids, time for you to grow up.

Just want to point out to all that are like you did the right thing, go girl!! You can't get support from the unemployed and harassing people at his workplace can get him fired. You don't have a job yet, ya know?

So, your husband things you were "wrong" for telling? He's not exactly a good judge of right/wrong. You did the right thing!

You can put whatever you want in your divorce agreement. I just had friends get divorced and they both agreed they would not let their child around anyone they may be dating for 6 months. Make sure you really think about why you don't want your kids to be around her. Spite? She's a drug-addict? You could probably do the 6 month thing, but you can't say no seeing them forever.

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. ((HUGS))

Wow, your husband is a piece of work. As his wife you had a right to know the truth. Be glad you have seen his true colors...the best revenge is to move on and be happy.

EDIT - OMG Terri S. Are you actually serious? If her husband wanted another woman he should have separated and divorced his wife. There is no justifications for cheating. He could have left the marriage and then dated who ever he wanted although he should pick a single woman IMO.

eta: I forgot to add - you CANNOT state who can and cannot be around your children while they are NOT in your custody. You can't dictate who he sees in his life. Sorry. Nor can the mistresses husband dictate. He has given your husband fair warning.
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oh my word....drama. Why would you create this drama in your life?

yes. I understand you are hurt and upset that your husband lied to you and left you for another W.. Got it.

Telling her husband? Girl - why even bother? Seriously. What was it going to do? Are you going to take him back when he realizes the grass isn't greener?? WHAT?! What were you expecting from doing this??

If you were expecting to hurt him or make him come back to you?? I wouldn't want him back. Stop trying to lash out. I know you are hurt. Stop and THINK before you go off and just let him be. Get the divorce finalized. Get custody and child support and kick his butt to the curb. Be done with him. Don't say ANYTHING bad about him to the children. They wouldn't understand. You need to tell them that Daddy has made choices and while he still loves you guys - he's not living with us anymore. Period. End of story.

You need to go check an STD check done to make sure he didn't bring any diseases home with him.

Let him go. Don't let him back in. No matter how he begs, pleads or says he's changed.

Yes I would tell. I am a firm believer in consequences. You screw my husband, I tell yours! Its just that simple. Not so much for revenge but for information. What he does with that is his business. Sounds like he is married to a real piece of work. Sorry there are kids involved there. He might want to do a paternity test to make sure they are his.

As for your wonderful, loving husband? (said snarky) he is pissed because the excitement and thrill is gone. Now its just a nasty cheating mess and everyone knows it.

Now you know. Stop. Leave him alone. Don't beg, don't plead. He has made his choice, now make yours. When he starts the name calling, just turn around and walk away. Don't say a word. Don't engage one bit.

Get an attorney and file for divorce ASAP. You need to protect you and the kids. Change the locks on the house. He doesn't get to come and go. If he wants to see the kids, he needs to call. He doesn't live there anymore. Again, if he starts the name calling say "until you can discuss our children in a mature manner, I will not talk to you" and hang up the phone. You are not his emotional punching bag anymore. That stops NOW!

Keep a journal of those times. He might try and tell the court that you are keeping the kids from him. That way you can say "well, that's not entirely the case" and let the Court know what he is saying. You don't have to put up with that and shouldn't. Do NOT say nasty things about their father to the kids. That's not fair to them. Trust me, they will realize what a complete jerk he is on their own.

Also, since this woman seems to like to date while married, I would suggest you get a complete physical OB/GYN. Sorry but you need to do that.

As for those who say you shouldn't have told, that their marriage isn't your business, I disagree. The minute she crawled into bed with MY husband, their marriage became MY business.

Good luck!!

Osohapi's post below is very wise. Please re-read it.

What any of us would have done regarding telling or not telling the husband does not matter. That ship has sailed; the other woman's husband knows; your soon-to-be-ex-husband knows you told him. What your motivations were in that moment when you chose to tell him do not matter at this point. I do think that it's NOT wrong to have told him because, frankly, he surely already knew on some level that things were wrong between him and his wife.

You are absolutely right when you say that your husband is angry that you messed up "the secret and excitement" because now he and this woman have to either stop the affair or end their marriages, rather than having the pathetic thrill of carrying on in secret.

Here's where I hope things can change beyond what I see in your post. You're upset and angry now (and likely will be for a very long time to come); however, your hurt and anger are clouding your vision as an adult and a parent who must function in the real world. And now, your real world is one where the cheating spouses will indeed be "going around" all the kids involved. You cannot stop that, and neither can the other woman's husband.

If you and your husband have any remote thoughts of staying together, you need to find a couples therapist immediately and he must stop seeing this woman immediately, even if it means his requesting a transfer at work, or if he must tell the bosses that he has to be put on other projects that don't involve her.

If you and he are not going to work on your marriage and are truly finished, please, for the sake of your kids, try to push the anger aside (but only until you get to a good therapist or counselor to work out your emotions) and focus first and foremost on getting a good, experienced lawyer so you can keep custody of your own kids and work out a good custody and visitation arrangement. Get financial advice as well (if you can't afford an adviser, go to your bank -- many will give loads of free advice to regular customers -- and also get to your nearest "women's center" which gives women advice and help in the legalities of divorces etc.). In other words, while you have every right to be furious because yes, your husband is a cheating jerk, you now need to move fast to protect your children, your custody of them, and your money. When all that dust clears, be sure to get yourself some counseling to help you learn what to say to your kids and how to forge at least a civil relationship with your ex -- for the kids' sake.

Would I have told? No. Other people's marriages are not my business. HOWEVER - your husbanding telling YOU that YOUR behavior was inappropriate is so beyond comprehension that it is ridiculous. Does he really think that he's a good judge of how a person should act? Wow.

All I can say now is this: he clearly knows how to push your buttons and manipulate you. Get a lawyer now, and as soon as possible, have all communication go through the lawyer so that he can't manipulate you any more.

You and her husband are better off without them. And as for the two of them...they made their bed, and now it's time to lay in it. It's going to get ugly once reality sets in for both of them. Of course your ex is mad...he had his cake and was eating it too and now he and his fling are exposed for the sorry people that they are.

As for whether or not to tell...hard to say. When my husband was cheating on me with an ex girlfriend, I found out about it when she was newly engaged and pregnant (definitely not my husband's kid). We weren't splitting up at the time, so for me it was more important to know that it was over than it was to expose her and this gave me leverage. I did contact her and told her that unless she wanted me to tell her fiance that his wife to be and mother of his child was banging some old flame on the side, she would never contact my husband again. I told her that this was her chance to start fresh and make a good life with her fiance and their child. Well...a couple of years later they were actually tying on the knot and of course she reached out to my husband for one last fling before her wedding (which he declined). I printed every email, every cell phone log, wrote a letter to her fiance and sent it to him via certified mail. I spilled everything. He got it, was all kinds of upset (he called me) and then married her anyway after several weeks of drama. She flipped out on my husband, he couldn't believe that I had followed through on my threat.

All that said...it was about me getting the satisfaction of revenge. Honestly I don't care how many people she screwed or how messed up her marriage was. This was about her crossing me after I looked the other way the first time.

So would I tell? Probably. But out of anger and revenge, not because I cared about whether the other person needs to know.

Don't you dare take on ANY of the blame for what your husband CHOSE to do and how you were honest with her husband!!!! I'm a LMFT aka marriage therapist and there are 3 truisms to live by 1) you are 100 % responsible for yourself and only yourself 2) you cannot change other people, only your response to them. 3) life is not fair. The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you can move forward from this trauma. You are 100% correct when you stated that their anger comes from ruining their "secret" which is exactly what makes the affair that much more intoxicating. Once it's out, they have to deal with reality and provide answers for the damage caused. So in a way, their fantasy world is gone. What they failed to see is that it never existed. The reality was that 2 married adults were acting like teenagers at the expense of their spouse's reputation and children's emotional memories. Most men who have affairs never tell their wives if they can help it because they have no intention of looking like the bad guy As horrible as this is, I'm glad you found out and said something because unchecked, affairs can last for years and they use a technique called "gas lighting" where you end up feeling like the bad guy. If I was the husband you told, I would be so grateful to know ithat my spouse was cheating. Unfortunately, the cheaters hate to own up to their mistakes so they use another technique known as "it's your fault I cheated". You have every right to every emotion you are experiencing but when you run into problematic situations, ask yourself, "do I want to be right or do I want to be effective?" I made my husband promise me that if for any reason he was unfaithful, as difficult as it may seem, just tell me so I can move forward. Living a lie, for me, is far worse than cheating. It's a waster of someone's life. You deserve better. And one lay comment, for all the people posting who wouldn't of said anything....why not? It's not about getting revenge or being dramatic. Please, how pathetic of a judgment! It's about honesty and checking the facts before making a life changing decision. For those chastising her actions, let's hope you don't have a partner like she does and from what you said , if you did, you prefer the "ignorance is bliss" approach to life. I would encourage you to have more self respect of you, your kids, and your reputation. i've seen so many people stay with the cheating spouse and make the person who was a "true friend" into the bad guy. It takes a lot of courage to speak the truth and I for one applaud your ethics and morals. Good luck with the lawyer and get as much as you can. Be ruthless or you will regret that you weren't. As far as the children, again honesty is the best policy because they are smarter than we give them credit for and you can not be the "bad guy" for filing divorce papers. Do not speak ill of your husband in front of them and if they want to know the reasons behind your decision or divorce, you can redirect them to their father. If he lies, feel free to correct the story by sticking to the facts. Let them know they don't have to tell their friends about it and can talk to you or dad anytime. Let them know that not all marriages go through this so they have hope and you have grand babies :)

No. I would NOT have said anything. Their marriage is none of my business.
This is just way too much drama. Not sure what your marriage is going through, but two young kids is stressful. Life is stressful.

How old are you? You have young kids and you go to your husband's work and confront the woman? Now you believe you can state who can and cannot be around your children? Sorry. No judge will allow that.

You and your soon-to-be ex have a lot of maturity issues. Tyler and I have been married over 26 years now. Have they all been easy? No. He was deployed many times and raising 4 boys alone is not easy work.

My advice to you? You need to stop with this nonsense. Get your divorce. Get your custody ironed out. Just because he is a cheater, doesn't mean you can keep him from his children. Get child support and let him live his life. Your children are your priority. Stop trying to take stabs at him. You aren't helping yourself or your children. Now is the time to grow up and protect your kids and yourself.

Change the locks on the house.
Get things in your name.
Hire an attorney.
Stop creating drama.
Be done with him. Talk ONLY about the kids and their care. NOTHING ELSE.
Do NOT allow him back in the marital bed. No matter how easy it might make your life. Will you ever trust him again?

I've not been in your situation but my read in this is why did you go run your mouth?

Your priority should be your children and yourself. Your hubby is out of the picture.. Don't try to add drama to stay in the picture.

It's hard to say but you should not be talking to the ex... You should be focused in YOU and Your children. Stop the drama.

Why are you worrying about this? My goodness, sweetie, LET IT GO!!

Of course your husband flipped out. He doesn't like that you do ANYTHING to mess up his fun. Real life gets in the way.

Stop wondering if other people would do what you did. The woman and your husband don't deserve any consideration.

I can't believe one of the posters is excusing this guy's behavior. Ignore that crappy remark. I wonder how she would feel if she found herself in YOUR shoes.

Please read the posts from Mel R and mynewnickname again. Use their words to help you refocus on your #1 priority, which is protecting yourself and your children financially and legally. Your husband's actions, from gambling away scarce income to cleaning out the bank account to calling you 'crazy' for telling the gal's husband, show that he has zero interest in the well-being of you and your children. You need to be the parent and find a lawyer to set up temporary custody and support. Once you get the legal protections in place, you can lick your wounds, work with a therapist, and recover from the emotional damage. Right now, you need to put all your energy into dealing with the new reality, which is that you are a single parent of two young children and there will be bills to pay SOON. Wishing you lots of luck.

Yes, he has the right to know.
If this was the second time he caught her cheating I am so sorry for him. In this day when STDs can be a death sentence or a lifelong incurable disease you both have the right to know. He only knows of 2 affairs but there could have been others. My advice for both of you is to get tested for STDs as soon as possible.
BTW: Planned Parenthood is offering free STD testing including HIV test the month of April 2016. I don't know details but call and ask.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. It is ridiculous that your husband is blaming you and trying to convince you that you are crazy. He's only doing that because he is trying to deflect blame. I'm sure it won't be easy, but try not to let his words effect you so. He may not be trying to hurt you, but he certainly isn't concerned about it. Do not take his words to heart.

I do not think you did anything wrong by talking to the other woman's husband. But it doesn't look good. As stupid as this is going to sound, it kind of makes you seem petty. I'm not saying that to hurt you at all!!! In fact, I would probably have done the same thing. Just know that the more you can take high road, the better.

I agree that you probably won't be able to prevent him from allowing her to be around the kids. When it's his time with the kids, it's his time with the kids. Unless he is doing something that could put them in danger, you're probably not going to have any say in the matter.

Right now it's going to be important for you to focus on building a life for you and the kids away from him. Focus on the things you need to do and the changes you need to make. Stay away from him and this drama as much as possible. It's not good for you. The more you can surround yourself with people who support you, the better. This is not going to be an easy road, but if you hold your head up high you will come out on top!

You did NOTHING wrong. I would have done the same thing in that emotional state. I would not do it when I wasn't going crazy with it, but otherwise yes.

Your ex is a piece of trash, so is the "woman" he is seeing. There is something wrong with people who do that or think it's okay EVER.

Let them go. Focus on YOU, your health, and your children. Don't let his ignorance and stupidity rule the rest of your life.

You did the right thing by telling the other husband. Your current husband has no say. He lost that respect when he decided to cheat. Don't let him beat you down. Good Luck!

She probably planned on stringing him along and getting income tax money or something then moving out. It sounds like your soon to be ex and this bimbo deserve each other.

What the heck? You're the one in trouble? He's a cheater and an A** for even calling you on it.

I'd be blasting it all over FB and letting every single person I know see exactly what he is and what he's doing to you. You had every right to talk to her soon to be ex.

Ya right...are you crazy? Didn't you know you were suppose to keep your mouth shut and allow the two of them to screw their brains out. That's laughable. It's free range. You can tell whoever you want. It doesn't matter if he thinks you are crazy because he got caught with his pants down!

Oh this is a tough one, and I am so sorry you are in this position. As hard as is to hear, I think some people are making a good point is saying that talking to the husband is a bit immature. It is. Your husband has been horrible to you, but there isn't really anything you can gain from finding out who he's been with or talking to her husband or anything. He did this horrible thing to you, but you have to begin to pick up the pieces and move on. You are not going to feel any better from talking to anyone in that circle. It's not a bad thing, exactly, but it is not healthy. It might feel better for a moment, but that feeling is not going to last. I can remember talking to an ex's old girlfriend and feeling better in the moment, but I had to heal by moving forward. And talking to her didn't help me do that.

Right now, you need to focus on you and your kids and your future together. Try to find strength in loving them and in moving forward.

For what it's worth, your husband is just being a jerk by getting mad at you and trying to convince you that you've done something wrong. He screwed up and by talking to the girlfriend and her husband, you outed him. His affair is out there now, he's probably embarrassed and now he's really mad and trying to blame you. Not your fault, not your problem. But do try to move past this and work hard to find a happy life for you and your kids.

Updated

Oh this is a tough one, and I am so sorry you are in this position. As hard as is to hear, I think some people are making a good point is saying that talking to the husband is a bit immature. It is. Your husband has been horrible to you, but there isn't really anything you can gain from finding out who he's been with or talking to her husband or anything. He did this horrible thing to you, but you have to begin to pick up the pieces and move on. You are not going to feel any better from talking to anyone in that circle. It's not a bad thing, exactly, but it is not healthy. It might feel better for a moment, but that feeling is not going to last. I can remember talking to an ex's old girlfriend and feeling better in the moment, but I had to heal by moving forward. And talking to her didn't help me do that.

Right now, you need to focus on you and your kids and your future together. Try to find strength in loving them and in moving forward.

For what it's worth, your husband is just being a jerk by getting mad at you and trying to convince you that you've done something wrong. He screwed up and by talking to the girlfriend and her husband, you outed him. His affair is out there now, he's probably embarrassed and now he's really mad and trying to blame you. Not your fault, not your problem. But do try to move past this and work hard to find a happy life for you and your kids.

Your husband's lies and perfect, drama-free affair came to a crashing halt. Too bad for him.

I'm glad you told. You should be as well. Keep moving forward. She'll chat on your ex as well. He'll get what he deserves.

You didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry you're dealing with all this.

As to the mama who said no one would seek out someone else in the doctor's office who just heard they had cancer ..... Uh yes, I would. I would seek them out and a support group, too. It's not an either/or.

As for your case, heck yeah as a person who admits to being human and having human frailties--I would blast her and my spouse all over the place!

You are NOT crazy or wrong or any other name that he is calling you. He got caught. Of course he's going to behave defensively, he's like a child who got caught with their hands in a cookie jar.

Talk to a lawyer NOW. Find out how you are going to support your children. Don't involve your kids or talk with your older child about it. Keep them out of it.

Get yourself some therapy because you will need it. This is a tough situation and you are going to need to face your anger and grief so that you can move on. Take care of yourself and your beautiful children. Don't look back.