My nice babysitter next door is now 16. She actually hasn't sat for us OFTEN, because I don't go out much AND because she has spent every waking hour aside from school with her boyfriend since she was 14. My requests to sit most often result in "I'll be at my boyfriend's", or, I'll be on a trip with my boyfriend" or "I'm going out of town with my boyfriend's family" or "my boyfriend is coming over that night" etc. When she does come over, all she she can talk about is her boyfriend. Fine whatever. I felt it was a bit much at 14, but she's not my daughter. My personal old codger judgment to myself when my nights out were foiled with no sitter was, "Dang, doesn't she need money? I never had that kind of idle time allowed with dudes when I was that age". But I do like her.
ANYWAY now it's SUMMER and she's 16 and her and the boyfriend are all over each other all the time everywhere. Strolling around the small town with their hands down each other pants, camped out smooching -as in heads down each other's throats high school style and laying down between each others legs in bathing suits on the porch steps and all that. We've even see them at the local park sometimes where I take my little kids, and they're straddled hugging face to face in the swings or lying on a park bench.... I'm always like, "Hi, Becky" but a little too embarrassed to look. Once my 5 year old asked, "Mom, why is Becky's boyfriend's hand on her boob?" OK, fine. Again, why do I care? It's never crossed my mind to say anything to anyone about it. I really like her mom. They are there for me in a pinch a LOT, bringing me laundry detergent when my kids were all down with the stomach flu etc. I know the happy couple is in a church group together and all that, and the mom has said what a nice kid he is on several occasions over the years.
Tonight we were across the street visiting an elderly friend on her porch and she had some family visiting. The lovebirds were blind to the world dry humping on their porch as usual. The older visitors with the view started making comments like, "Wow, she's growing up fast, phew, they better watch it before mom gets home" type stuff.
Sure enough, at about 10 til 5, they did their dramatic french kissing Romeo and Juliet meets Titanic goodbye, and the boyfriend scrammed on his skateboard, and she went inside. At five O'clock sharp, mom rolled up.
Anyway, it hit me. Her mom works full time and never sees any of this. The dude is not around when the mom is home. Granted, it's none of my business. I doubt there is a way to be cool and humorous about, but I almost could mention it because she (the mom and I) and I are sort of friends. We go to the same gym and stuff. But I wouldn't dare.
I guess I'm just curious. If this was your daughter, would you want to hear any of this?
AGAIN, I'm not BOTHERED by any of this, she's still my sitter, I'm just wondering if anyone would want to know this about their daughter.
Added, she only babysits when she's at her mom's house next door (parents are divorced) and her mom is always home and I make the arrangements with the mom, so I know he is not over. She is allowed no guests and no cell phone when she sits (she's always texting him when she's not with him so her mom thought of that rule). Our houses are literally 10 feet apart and her mom usually stops in during the night too.
Thanks moms! I'm thinking over nice ways to maybe bring it up. Some great ideas here for starting it. This couple went from cute, young, and innocent to horn ball central since last summer. :) I know one thing for sure-this reaffirms my belief that my kids need to be BUSY at that age! I had no serious boyfriend in high school because I had an after school job, a separate weekend job, and babysitting jobs to boot. Not to mention, I wasn't allowed to date anyway. Well MAYBE I got to go sit by my "friend boy" in church. I was lucky to sneak out to a group movie once in a while. And this was when boys had to call the land line with a short cord and ask for you from a parent. My parents were no dummies! And I saved up a bunch of money. Our town is crawling with bored, loitering, soon-to-be pregnant teens! Seems to be in style here....
If this were my daughter, yes I would want to know.
Wouldn't want my daughter ending up PREGNANT!
You wrote this so well and descriptively!
What visuals to accompany the text!
Yah, I would want to know.
Again, if anything, because I would not want my daughter ending up PREGNANT!
I always told my neighbors that I wanted to know if they saw my children doing something they thought I would not allowed. I know I would want to know.
Yes, I would want to know. The reason I didn't do that as a teenager was that my mom made it her business to know what I was up to, which I hated at the time, but which without a doubt kept me out of trouble and focused on the right things (sports, studies, friends, volunteer work). Dating is one thing, but skanking around liplocked all over town (at the park! in front of little kids! hands down the pants WHAT?!) is another thing entirely.
Have you ever seen the show "16 and Pregnant"? I'm watching it right now and it's super SAD to see how quickly and easily these girls throw their lives away for their stupid boyfriends (who always end up ditching them once the baby comes). Please tell the mom - it sounds like this girl is headed down a very dangerous path. As a mom of two girls I would be very grateful if someone gave me that information.
i wouldn't want her babysitting my kids! As someone else said how do you know she isn't having him at your house? I wouldn't WANT to know that about my daughter but I would NEED to know. If that makes sense. If there's that much going in front of people and mom's at work all day there's probably a lot more going on.
I'd be surprised if the mom doesn't have a clue. They spend so much time in public together and it's been two years. I'd think the mom was very naive to think the boyfriend wasnt over a lot. I wouldn't avoid bringing it up in casual conversation but I wouldn't think too much about it. As a mom, yes, I would want to know but I also hope I'm smart enough to anticipate stuff like this!
If I were her mother I would ABSOLUTELY want to know even though she's 16 because she's ONLY 16. It's very clear that she's sexually active and since she's pretty much flaunting it everywhere she can except in front of her parents, that shows she doesn't have very good judgment or decision making skills. Following that train of thought, teens that are engaging in that level of sexual activity in public are likely having sex in private every chance they get and are probably not thinking about birth control. And even if they ARE thinking about birth control there aren't many teens that are consistent with it or using it properly because they don't think that they'll get pregnant.
Her mother needs to know if only to get that girl on proper birth control and to educate her daughter on how to use it vigilantly. She should also talk to her about what constitutes an acceptable PDA.
Yes, I would definitely want to know.
I'd go about it with something like, "I don't know if you know or not, but Susie and Jimmy spend a lot of time together while you're at work. He seems to always scram just before you get home. They also engage in a lot of physical affection, even in public."
If she wants more details, she'll ask.
Yes, she is the mom and I think it's her right to know. Her daughter isn't to the age of being responsible for herself and needs to guidance from her mom. You can tell her that you weren't sure she knew, and that you know it's none of your business and you certainly aren't passing judgement, you just wanted to make sure she was aware...
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HAHAHA OMG!! What a great visual. My neighborhood is so tame, can I come visit?
Yes, I would want to know and I would have wanted to have known when she was 14.
I have a 16yo daughter. THis is not acceptable and she needs to be told by someone.
YES, I'd want to know this about my child - male or female.
I would just tell mom that perhaps she should come home from work early and unannounced sometime and that she might be surprised by what she sees. Which is a good practice for anyone who works while their kids are home after school. My middle schoolers know that they can expect either DH or me to walk through the door at any second, so I hope that acts as a deterrent against any behavior they might think they can get away with while we're out. I'm also that mom who cruises around town to all of their hangout spots, pulls up, beeps, waves, says "hello" and generally mortifies them enough so that they're on their toes in public too ;-)
I didn't read any of the other responses...b/c I just don't really care what others think on this topic :)
But to answer your question: YES! Yes, yes, yes...I would want to know! (Even if I already knew) I would not be upset in the slightest if someone felt the need to give me a heads up on what they might think as the kids getting a little too hot and heavy! We can't be around all the time to see with our own eyes what's happening...and it's more than likely the kids tone it down A LOT while in front of us parental units:)
~Racking my brain how one would say this in the nicest way? Not sure how that would come out...just do your best!
My babysitter that I trusted taught my daughter to deep throat hot dog wieners.
IF your baby sitter is immature enough to be out in public dry humping the boyfriend you can be sure she is talking about it and showing your kids. Find a different babysitter.
YES!!!!!!!!! If I was her mom, YES!. I would be so terribly grateful to you for telling me what my daughter was doing while I wasn't there. She may be aware of this or she may be in denial--either way--YES. Tell her. If you are friends with her, tell her that you don't want to put her in a uncomfortable position, but you want to know if she knows how serious her daughter is with this boy. Tell her what you saw at the park and what your CHILD said to you and asked you.
This boy is in church group with the girl?? I hope they are getting some good counsel about being pure and not having sex too early......I would tell them mom and just say that its between you two and that you just want to know what she thinks you should tell your CHILD about this and if she finds it appropriate.
GL
M
Yes, I would want to know. Her daughter is totally betraying her trust. If the kids are that open about their relationship, the mom can tell her that multiple people have contacted her about their actions around town (then it wont all be on you) The mom is doing the best she can as a single mother, and she has to work. Im sure she thinks her daughter is doing her homework and being responsible. Think of how much worse it is going to be over the summer too. Help her nip it in the bud before it is too late.
Well, I might stay out of it if she wasn't doing it at my house, but as your babysitter, how do you know she isn't?
My mom hired the big sister of one of my friends to watch me and my sister while my parents went out to dinner. Her boyfriend came over 10 minutes after they left and we might as well have been watching a Saturday Night Sex Show. They didn't actually take all their clothes off, but my sister and I got a real education. We made our own dinner and went into our room. We came out when we heard the guy leave right before our parents got home.
She never said a word about him coming over, but my sister and I did and she wasn't allowed to babysit us anymore.
Maybe she wouldn't dare sneak her boyfriend over against your wishes, but if she's willing to make out in front of old folks, she's not afraid to do it in front of little kids.
Her mom may be clueless and you could mention it or not. But since you know what she does, I might try to find a different babysitter. That's just my opinion and I mean no offense.
Best wishes.
Hi A.,
I thought long and hard about this one while making dinner. We have had a similar situation. The young lady (about 17-18 years old) next door has had a boyfriend for a while; so we saw the similar necking and whatnot. This usually happened while mom was out or around the corner when the girl and boyfriend were out walking the dog. Rolling on another neighbor's lawn, in front of the world.
Last autumn I heard crying noises which worried me; turns out they were having some pretty porno-sounding sex with the window open. As concerned as I was about this, I also knew from her mother that she was on the pill and mom had figured she was having sex. A couple months ago my son and I were outside and I began to hear some 'sex noises'... that was when my son started screaming about a bug on his clothes. The noises from the house next door stopped and I certainly had a good laugh at that one.
I can't tell you what to say. We chose not to tell her mother for the simple reason that she pretty much already knew what was happening. And because we know that she's also a pretty responsible young woman, despite the kissy-face and the sex. She's graduating and leaving for college with a hefty scholarship--she's a good student.
And as the mom of a boy, I would want to know, too, if he had a girlfriend over when I wasn't home. (When he's old enough...say, when he's 30 ha.) Ultimately, what we want to know about our own kids will also be an awkward conversation for someone else. You could start as Dawn suggested with a casual "Wow, I see more of (boyfriend's name) at your house than I do of you." or some other innocuous comment and see if she bites. Having a neighbor who was open was really helpful for me, because knowing that the mom knew something was up helped me decide to let the family deal with it on their own.
We can't be home forever to keep an eye on them. Too bad, sometimes, huh?
I would want to know. The mom may not even know he is there at all while she's at work. I'd probably say something like "Juliet and Romeo were on the porch most of the afternoon--he's allowed while you're at work, right?"
Yes I'd want to know about my child. Also I'd never let her babysit my kid because as soon as I left I know that boy would be in my house and they would be doing it instead of watchng my kid. You might suggest to the mom some inprompt visits in the middle of the day or odd times would be the best thing. Also the kid has to much time on her hands if she is with her boyfriend allthe time. I'm sure a child will be commng along soon if it has not already happen and they got it fixed.
I think I would want to know this about my child. I would also want to know that you are telling me this NOT because you think I am a bad parent but because you are seeing it and I am not. I would not want your babysitter to suddenly be more readily available to you because she is doing alternate high school and home with a child of her own
Keep in mind that while we don't consider someone to be "of age" for sexytimes until 18 these days, biologically we are wired to be getting busy much earlier than that. These kids are just doing what their bodies tell them. So please try not to judge them too harshly.
Like others have said, it sounds like they're not actually having sex, just getting right up to that point, so there's probably not too much "danger" there. On the other hand, and I will put this as delicately as I can, sometimes the kids who promise chastity in church groups are the most at risk for unprotected sex (because their hormones take over and they're totally unprepared).
If it were my daughter, I'd honestly hope she'd tell me herself. I'm completely waffling as to whether you should say anything. My liberal side says it's none of your business and not yours or anyone else's place to be a tattletale. If she hasn't told her mom yet, there's a reason for that. Maybe the mom is totally anti-boyfriend and would ground her for six months or something drastic like that. On the other hand, there *is* a small chance telling the mom could prevent unprotected sex down the road.
Have you ever considered to say something to the 16 yr old? Maybe about self respect for herself but also for the public, letting her know that she is a babysitter to an impressionable child & tell her exactly what your kid saw at the park. Let her know that you really like her & no that she is a good kid but groping & making out in public really is poor judgement. Let her know that certain things between a man & a woman are not meant for the whole world to see.
Or if you don't feel comfortable with the 1st approach then maybe you can start out with 'how do you do it being a single mom to a young girl, it must be difficult to see how fast she is growing up.....i cannot imagine how fast the time has went since she was a young girl & now she's becoming so mature & has had the same boyfriend for 2 years.....i need some pointers from you so that i can prepare myself.......' build off of that maybe?
but i sure wouldn't want her babysitting for me, i almost guarantee she is sneaking her boyfriend in.
I would want to know. Furthermore, she's asking to be dobbed in by doing all this publicly!
Your reservations about talking to your neighbor are understandable...you've gotten some great advice both for and against it already.
You might also want to talk to the girl. You say you like her, so take this opportunity to teach her a very important life lesson. I would sit her down and explain to her why she will no longer be babysitting for M.. If this is all the self-respect she has for herself, this won't be the last job she gets fired from. But maybe, you can make an impact on her decisions in the future...
Her actions are completely disrespectful and inappropriate. I'm not exactly sure why you're NOT bothered by this, this girl doesn't sound like the kind of person most people would want influencing their children. And like it or not, every person we leave in charge of our kids influence their lives in some way. Rather than letting her be a negative influence on your kids, try to be a positive influence on her by letting her go and explaining exactly why.
Yes as the mom of a teen daughter I would want to know if it looked sneaky like mom didn't know. Maybe she can get her on birth control before she is pregnant. I would just say something like...I feel really weird telling you this and I don't want you to think I am judging because I am not. But, I am not sure you know how often he is at your house when you are not home, etc..I would leave it at that and not go into detail about the dry humping but maybe something about their physical affections tends to be strong and I wanted to be sure you knew .
I would want to know...I certainly think there are better and worse ways you could tell her mom...you may want to be cautious how it comes out...but I would definitely want to know if my daughter was doing that. And...as far as those who may think it's better that they're out in public doing that...than inside having sex...honestly - if this is what they're comfortable with in public...I don't want to know what they're comfortable with in private. It's pretty hard once kids are in their teens...but I wish girls would understand that pregnancy and STD's are not the only thing to think about when it comes to sex. In my opinion...when physical intimacy (in all it's forms) is broadcast as a free show...that's about all it's worth. I've never met anybody who's waited to have sex...and regretted it.
Yeah. I would want to know. I would have a talk with mom. A VERY nice talk. :) Good luck!
I would tell her that you don't know how to put this but...if I assumed my daughter was doing one thing and she was doing another all over town, I'd want to know, even if it was hard to hear. She may well know but what if she doesn't or doesn't realize the details? If it was just a kid down the street, I'd likely not say anything. But since you said you know this family and you noticed the timing, I'd at least mention it.
And I'd quietly look for another sitter. I wouldn't want anyone so sneaky watching my kids.
Ummm...
although mom is probably not oblious to it... I think you ought to say something. You could mention to mom that you noticed her daughter getting pretty "frisky" at the park or something, and you aren't sure her daughter noticed that people were watching her. Just say that you don't want her little girl getting a bad reputation around town so you thought you'd mention it.
This girl may not realize how many people (not just her friends) ARE noticing her. I was always "showing off" until one day my mom walked up to me on a park bench and tapped my shoulder when my boyfriend and I were munching face LOL! I didn't get in trouble, the absolute humiliation was punishment enough! (needless to say, I adopted a little more discretion). Later on I found out my mom was "tipped off" by a friends parent who saw us a few minutes before... oops!
Good Luck!
M.
you should ask her if she knows they spend so much time together.
sometimes moms like to pretend their daughters dont do that.
she should know. i would want to know.
if you dont want to tell her, maybe you could arrange a surprise?
i know it sounds a little sit com-ish, but hey! she shuld know what her kid is up to! this is important stuff!
Yes, I would want to know. If for no other reason, I would be mortified that EVERYBODY in town seemed to know this about my daughter and I was walking around bragging about what a "good girl" my daughter is! But I believe that sometimes moms don't know things because they don't want to know them. I like the idea trying to get a read on the mom before diving in head first. The suggestion of joking that you see more of the boyfriend than the neighbor and go from there based on her reaction.
I don't know how comfortable you would be with talking to her, but I wonder if this girl might listen to you more than she would her mom. I know when I was a teenager, I thought my mom was so old fashioned and prudish. But if a lady I babysat for - especially one that I liked - that she didn't think my actions were appropriate, it would have likely gotten my attention. Just a thought.
Good luck!
And keep us posted - Inquiring minds want to know! ;-)
I would type a letter (explain everything)... and don't sign it
It doesn't sound like you are close enough to her mom to tell her this. I would let it go. You will be the bad guy if you interfere.
The only way that I think you 'might' be able to approach it is to be honestly concerned because everyone is talking about her daughter and you really do like her daughter but have seen it yourself. you just hate to see her rep tarnished when she is such a great kid. Then say to her mom maybe you should talk to her about keeping it out of public view.
I would want to know. I remember my mom not being home when I was that age...sure wish mom would have known what was going on there...might have changed a few things...
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In theory, yes, I'd want to know such things about my kids. But I start to think about 1) what you would say to this person, and 2) what she would then turn around and do with that information, and it seems like odd. "Your daughter and her beau are very demonstrative and engage in heavy PDA." Um, OK, so does she then say "Daughter, is it true you guys kiss and fondle each other, in public, with your clothes on, in broad daylight?" Yeah, so?
The evidence suggests they are actually making some chaste choices -- they are in public, not inside the house where they would most likely actually be having sex. Personally, I'd rather have my teen dry humping outside, then having unsafe sex inside.
I think you could mention it if a conversation about the girl comes up, and make general comments about how close the couple is, ask questions like does it worry her as the mother, how do you have the sex conversation... other than that it may be making a mountain out of a molehill.
Your instinct is to want to tell her mom, so just do it! Regardless if she knows and is in denial. I really don't think she knows the extent of what her daughter is doing IN PUBLIC! No one wants a "bad rap"' and I'm sure she would receive the info well, with embarrassment. You could throw the old couple across the street under the bus by telling her that situation and sound like the concerned friend, rather than a tattle-tale. After you tell her, maker her promise that she will do the same for you with your girls. Also, if she is a good babysitter and good kid, ie, respectful, mature, etc. I wouldn't ditch her for being a horny teen. She's not making great choice with her PDA right now, but she'll learn soon enough.
Yes, I would want to know, but honestly I would prefer to hear it from my daughter.
I may be a little more relaxed about this than most moms, but I don't think I would object to having a boyfriend when my daughter is 16, hell, I don't even object to teen sex, just as long as she is on birth control and practicing safe sex, which I intend to drill into her when she's old enough.
What would bother me is if it was going on behind my back... but who knows, maybe mom knows? The whole neighborhood sure seems in the know...
Maybe you can just bring it up in a nice way when you talk to her mom, like: "Susie sure has been dating this nice young man for a long time... how cute these high school sweethearts are..."
Good luck!
yeah i think i'd kinda like to know. approach the mom as a friend and tell her straight up, i think i'd like to know this as a mom, if it was me, so here goes. let her know you're not wanting to cause trouble, but it concerns you as someone who cares about her daughter. i also like the idea of mom surprising them with a visit sometime.
I agree with this response:
The evidence suggests they are actually making some chaste choices -- they are in public, not inside the house where they would most likely actually be having sex. Personally, I'd rather have my teen dry humping outside, then having unsafe sex inside.
There are too many mixed messages in our society about sex. Are we still assuming that everyone is going to wait until marriage to have sex? That's dangerous and naive.
That's a hard one.
I have 2 little girls, and take care of 2 other little girls.
When I look at them all I can think about is keeping
them safe.
I think I might want a heads up. Just so my girls and I
could talk about what's going on and so I could intervene
before I ended up with a pregnant teen.
Maybe I am naive, but I believe teen relationships that are
so intense tend to be "landfills being filled"- the child didn't
get the love, attention, affection, etc. they needed to become
a more confident self-reliant teenager.
If you have a daughter- maybe you could ask her mom her thoughts
if she were in your shoes?
I would definately consider talking to her mother, but not to the young girl directly. It's not your place and besides her mother might get upset if you do talk to her daughter about these issues especially without her consent. It's the mother's job, not yours.
Her mother might already know what's going on and gives her the freedom to do as she pleases. Then what?
Times have changed! Girls date alot more then lets say 10 years ago and they are allowed to date.
Just be careful. You could lose your friend over this.
Updated
I would definately consider talking to her mother, but not to the young girl directly. It's not your place and besides her mother might get upset if you do talk to her daughter about these issues especially without her consent. It's the mother's job, not yours.
Her mother might already know what's going on and gives her the freedom to do as she pleases. Then what?
Times have changed! Girls date alot more then lets say 10 years ago and they are allowed to date.
Just be careful. You could lose your friend over this.
What in the world are the parents thinking letting their kids date at that age and be along???? wow. I bet the mom has some idea.
