Younger Child

how old is your son? Is he doing this to get your attention? Are you sweating the small stuff? Is he just a natural debator?

Find a way to turn this into a game and help him find appropriate ways to prove his point without being offensive. This would be a good charater building skill for the future anyway. Explain to him that he is hurting your feelings by the way he's trying to make his point and instead of arguing back with him, help him find a way to prove his point without arguing.

You mention he's getting upset...is he getting upset about not wanting to do it or just looking to argue with you? Find out why he's arguing and tackle it from there.

I hope this helps...good luck!!

I can remember certain phases of all my kids lives when they were particularly contrary. I think it's important to stand your ground, and offer extra praise and appreciation when comes a moment he IS agreeable. But you are the boss, Mom, kids need strong guidance and a sense that YOU are in charge, not them, so firmly but with love show him everyday that you ARE.

I would say that there is something that is causing him to be so sideways, on so many things, and they all seem like they could be processing or sensory based. It is a miserable way to live, so I would try to find out what the issue is and go from there.

Since you mention homework, food, arguing and asking questions, I have a hunch that a developmental pediatrician could be helpful. You will find these at your nearest Children's hospital and they will call in every professional he may need and give you a plan to follow. A neruopsycholgist could aslo give you some idea of what is causing a homework issue, but with the "questionioning" he may need to have his language more evaluated (not speech, neccesarily, but how he processes language can effect his ablity to understand the world.) I would think that the more complete evaluation from a Developmental Pediatrician would be most helpful. He sounds like he needs some help to me.

Don't get too down for how you feel either, it is natural to get a little overwhelmed by difficult kids. Find out what is at the heart of the matter, and I bet you will find targeted solutions to help him, and you, cope a little better.

M.

Take a step back. He needs boundaries explained briefly and then 100 per cent consistently enforced. Think about them ahead of time. Also, spend happy time with him where he is leading, where there is no agenda, deadline, etc. Kids can't be on a treadmill all the time - go here do that - from the time they are woken up to the time they are put to bed.

"Compass" by James Stenson and "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian have been my favorite books for understanding boys and parenting.

It's a full time job forming these precious creatures entrusted to us for a short time!

All the best,
E

Hi J.
I have a son like that!!
He would argue that the sky was purple if you said "look at the blue sky" It didn't matter what it was he would come back with why I was wrong and he was right. Oh he started that as soon as he could talk. Certainly by K. In middle school, the teachers told me he argued and I said "yes, it seems he is a good debater". They were not impressed, but I had learned that was a learning style. Discussion that makes the teacher think deeper.
Today he is a lawyer for the US gov. Why? because he has a vocabulary that he sees the loopholes that are there and can close them. I don't want some person writing contracts that doesn't have that kind of vocabulary because it is our taxes that are being spent on those contracts.
Use it as a tool, saying things like "so you don't want to do homework" What is the right thing to do? Then they think through. OK so I didn't know that when mine was little but learned it as he grew. Mine was a fine line definition kid. ie: "you can't go in the street" response "yes I can" I learned to say "mommy says not to go into the street" It was all in the approach and my words.
Hope you get some help with this I know how difficult it was
God bless you as you seek answers

Dear J., You have not mentioned your son's age but if he has homework he may be 6 or more. There is most likely something else going on in his life. Is he having any trouble with his school work or is he not getting along with classmates? Also is there anything new going on at home? Couple not getting along or a new friend? Many things can set a child off including, hormones. A recent post brought out that boys can start hormonal changes as early as 7. I have not answered your question but I hope you may find the answer in some of my questions. You can also ask your doctor or even some of the moms of his classmates. Kids are just little people, ask him what is bothering him :-) Grandma Mary (mom of 5)

Hi J.,
It would probably help to know the age of your son. I would say that the first thing to do is not argue with him. If he starts to argue, give him a warning and if he continues, simply walk away. Don't argue or reason with him, that's making him your equal and sharing your control with him.
You aren't required to answer every question your child asks or to justify things if that's what he's asking you to do. My son (10) has a friend who asks the most ridiculous questions. Every single thing is "why _____?" such as why is the vacuum cleaner out, why is there a puzzle on the table, why do you have to feed your pets after dinner? ARGH!!!!
The other thing is, since he may be arguing to get more control, if it's about choices of things then give him control about what he CAN choose. Remember as they get older, they can make more choices for yourself. Perhaps there are things you are still deciding for him that he is capable of deciding on his own.
If he's arguing over things like what happened in a book, don't even get into it with him, even if you know you're remembering right and he's remembering wrong. If he's wrong and you know you're right, so what? You're still right even if you don't insist on it and get him to see it your way. If it's for an assignment, sometimes you may have to let him take the zero to learn natural consequences.
Good luck!!!

I don't really get too deep into the psychology of much of anything, but I do wonder if it has anything to do with birth order. There are tons of books out there that deal with how a first-born is treated and acts differently than a middle-child, an only child, and a youngest-child.

Of course, that psychology was flipped backwards in my family.

But, in reading your message, I wonder if it is part personality, part birth order, and partly how you may react and treat them differently (subconsciously).

As a mom of 2, I can see that I inadvertently do it with my kids. They have different personalities, are at different stages though both still really young, and have faced different circumstances so far in life.

My best advice is to sit down with him, tell him that you're sorry you get frustrated, explain what he does that is frustrating to you and ask how you can best help him. As a professional, I've been amazed at how many people in management approach their employees with a one-size-fits all approach when in reality everyone is motivated a little differently.

If he were my son, I'd spend some time one-on-one just trying to understand him: what makes him feel good, what frustrates him, what challenges he has with school, what he likes to do, what he'd really like to avoid, etc.

Then, I'd tailor my parenting slightly based upon his feedback to see if you can work on motivating him a little more towards what you're desiring based upon who he is - albeit different from how you approach things and other children you may have.

Good luck! I hope you get on the same page with him soon.